by, 03-26-2009 at 09:19 AM (785 Views)
So to be honest, I can't quite figure this out. Not having control or complete comprehensive knowledge on a subject pertaining to myself can literally drive me insane. I feel ok. Actually, I feel terrified. I think I could be starting a flare.....but maybe, just maybe I'm actually ok for right now. It's like the stress of being scared or thinking too much could be enough to just send me over the edge.
You know that edge. The one were you slip a little then just continue to plummet. I can just feel it now... the dark quiet room....the fear of moving because who knows which pain it'll bring...the lonely feeling even though my house is full. You fall in to that hole....where you could potentially sleep days or weeks away if it wasn't for life continuing without you. The fear of stretching my legs or arms straight for the pain I may experience. I can't even say where the pain will be. It's generally traveling and ready to sneak up on me. There really is a war going on within me.
The depression always sets in went the flare up last longer than a week. If I have the mouth sores, the depression gets deep and harder to pull myself out of. Those painful canker sores that make eating, drinking, and talking impossible. They have me drooling all over myself. My 3 year old can't understand what I say and so takes complete advantage of how crappy I feel. Not that I can blame her. I'm too slow for her liking on getting up to get her drinks and snacks and food. My slow response time sends her climbing counters and pouring drinks on my kitchen floor. Bless her heart cause I know she means well. Execpt when I really can't get up and she finds the nail clippers or my make up.....impromptu play time. Terrified whenever my house is "too quiet" during a flare.
The horrible flares that completely rail road all progress I made with the kids. Along with send my house into an embarrassing state of disarray. The dishes, the laundry, the vaccuming, the dusting.......these things shouldn't be such HUGE tasks. Not to mention, scheduling appointments....you know hoping you'll feel good enough to go. The added pressure it all puts on Steve, my husband. Such a gentle caring man....who sometimes, but not often loses his patience.
Is it just me or my imagination? I'm scared of the kiddies when they are sick. Instead of getting a stomache bug or upper respitory infection I seem to get a flare. So that leaves me dealing with the sick kids when I can't even take care of me. Sometimes in the midst of the depression, I find myself bitter with these poor little angels. My stupid immune system reminds me of a likeable character that can just never do things completely right. You know, it prevents the stomache virus but then is on the attck so much it starts after my healthy parts. In my imagination, I think of it like a pee wee football team that accidentally scores in their own end zone.
I really need to learn to appreciate the times I get. Take full advantage of periods of no flares....which seem to less than the times with flares. Grrrr....silly little immune system. Something I can't see or feel until its completely dibilating me. This invisible "thing" that can land me inoperable. Seriously, need to stop waiting for it to come and just live. It feels like I can compare this type of living to post tramatic stress syndrone...scared to continue normal living because the next time I'm let down really could make me snap.
I appauld those of you that mantain such positive attitudes. I'm also jealous, that most times I can't seem to find that type of strength in me. I don't know any of you, but I love you all. Seems silly and selfish, but I like not feeling alone. Not that I don't wish everyone many pain free days because I do; I'm just greatful I'm not the only one out there being plagued.