Nonna

As the world turns, do I?

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I'm feeling out of sorts at the moment and can't figure it out. My health is pretty stable but I think I'm unhappy, tired of coping. Coping with everything, tired of dealing with my Mother's idiosyncrasies, tired of dealing with my Father's spurts of temper because he believes I'm ignorant. I know it's just a mood and I'll get over it.

It's just this trapped feeling, I'm working around it, getting rid of it. But still, every now and then it gets to me...... Like today. I just want to curl up and sleep. I don't want to have to deal with life today.

It's 12:30 PM and Mother is setting the table for dinner. She needs to be constantly doing something. It drives me crazy. Now she's going to make jello............ I'm really, really starting to hate jello.

My pain levels are soaring, the pred and Lyrica aren't helping. And I have to wait 3 months because the doctors want to be sure the bell's Palsey is gone before we start again.

Sometimes paradise is hell, especially when you have to deal with Lupus alone. My support system is too far away. My parents don't want to know that I'm sick. They want me to care for them. I did find someone online who understands and helps me with her words and stories. She's cared for her Mother for 9 years now. I want to cry, but I can't. There are no tears, I just need to keep going forward. To go with the flow and see where life leads.

Will I ever know happiest? Some days like today, I don't think so.
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