As the world turns, do I?

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I'm feeling out of sorts at the moment and can't figure it out. My health is pretty stable but I think I'm unhappy, tired of coping. Coping with everything, tired of dealing with my Mother's idiosyncrasies, tired of dealing with my Father's spurts of temper because he believes I'm ignorant. I know it's just a mood and I'll get over it.

It's just this trapped feeling, I'm working around it, getting rid of it. But still, every now and then it gets to me...... Like today. I just want to curl up and sleep. I don't want to have to deal with life today.

It's 12:30 PM and Mother is setting the table for dinner. She needs to be constantly doing something. It drives me crazy. Now she's going to make jello............ I'm really, really starting to hate jello.

My pain levels are soaring, the pred and Lyrica aren't helping. And I have to wait 3 months because the doctors want to be sure the bell's Palsey is gone before we start again.

Sometimes paradise is hell, especially when you have to deal with Lupus alone. My support system is too far away. My parents don't want to know that I'm sick. They want me to care for them. I did find someone online who understands and helps me with her words and stories. She's cared for her Mother for 9 years now. I want to cry, but I can't. There are no tears, I just need to keep going forward. To go with the flow and see where life leads.

Will I ever know happiest? Some days like today, I don't think so.
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  1. Moonbeam's Avatar
    Don't let your parents get to you, Nonna. You know you are not ignorant. Try to get a breather, even if it is only going outside for a few moments. Are you ever able to get away for a little while? No one can do this caregiving 24/7. I hope you have some help. Feel free to contact me at anytime for online support.
  2. Nonna's Avatar
    Moonbeam thanks, there is no one here where we are and they won't leave. My family is all up north, this is my parents world and they don't want to or are afraid to leave it. My father says when he dies then I can take mother north. But the way things are going, I just don't know.

    My sister has condescended to come once a year. To visit, I leave for a break. Maybe I'm being to hard on her as she does live in Spain. I'm just at a low point right now, missing family and friends. Dealing with my Mother's deteriorating mind is the hardest. Things were better before she had to start all the meds and the hospital stays. The hospital broke her mind this last time. All she does now is fight me on most everything. Daddy try's to help, but ends up losing his temper too. They are just old and having trouble adjusting to their loss of independence.

    Something I won't have a problem with, as I've never really had any.
  3. Moonbeam's Avatar
    My parents were the same way. They would not leave their house. Then they got to the point that they couldn't physically leave. That is when my brother had to put them in a home. My mom was so bad with Alzheimer's, she fought me on everything too. Dad tried to intervene, but he was too sick to do much good. He had the patience of Job with mom. Much more patience than I had. It was a sad situation.
  4. Nonna's Avatar
    Moonbeam I can so understand and sympathize. Today seems to be a good day for us. I walked this morning and had time with just me. Of course my mind went where I didn't want to to go. Trying to start writing again, just need an idea and will go from there.

    Hugs for you my friend, and many thanks