AyahsClan

The Many Shades of Lupus

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On a spectrum of black and white, lupus can own every microscopic degree of change from the brightest white, to the darkest black. Some days lupus lives with me in a spectacular bright white Light. Light illuminates my soul and touches those around me with love, joy and peace.

The changes can come ever so slowly, so slow they sneak up on me like a child tip toeing behind its mother to surprise her with "GOTCHA." Only with lupus there are never any giggles when I realize it is here and wants to be seen and heard.

Can it be possible that lupus has a life all its own? It simply must because it is not under my control. I can only defend myself so much, I can only lock it out for so long, it finds a way back in. I hate you lupus, I HATE you. You have taken everything from me and left me just enough to barely get by. Some days my life seems so valueless, so invalid. Today is one of those days.

Today is charcoal. Just dark. My stomach hurts. My head hurts. My joints hurt. This isn't a fair fight. Everyday I wake up knowing I will be at war. I have no shield, no weapons, no backup. I have Jesus. Without Him I would have given up. I would have laid this broken rusty sword down.

Through it all He holds me when the blood is flowing out my veins, He whispers in my ear that He was alone too when His blood was flowing down the cross. He reminds me that no matter how beat up I am, no matter how bitter I am, no matter how far I try to run from Him, He will always know where I am and will hear my cry.

Suffering and sacrifice, I'd rather do without it. Jesus, please validate my faith, use me, forgive me, guide me. Take me outside of my suffering so I can reach out to others in pain. Jesus overcome the darkness of this day and fill it with You, your Light. Thank you my precious Friend, my Abba.
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  1. Angel Oliver's Avatar
    Just to let you know.....you help me.So thank you. Hope the darkness lifts soon and the pain begins to ease.
    Gentles hugs n Love
    Amanda.xxxxxxxxxx
  2. AyahsClan's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by Angel Oliver
    Just to let you know.....you help me.So thank you. Hope the darkness lifts soon and the pain begins to ease.
    Gentles hugs n Love
    Amanda.xxxxxxxxxx
    Thank you Amanda.

    Your presence here has been very comforting. It is a pleasure to get to know you.

    {{{hugs}}}
  3. noelg's Avatar
    I am so sorry for your pain AyahsClan; I know we all must feel like this at one time or another; I am learning now after 10 years despite the constant pain, to focus on the wonders this new pat has offered to me despite the pain and fear! It is hard to do but one good thing is meeting all of you which I would not have done if not for the dreaded lupus factor! You write beautifully and are obviously very in touch with your feelings and I wish I could express mine as well!
    I will let all of you know about my "Spirit Night" after tomorrow night!
    Stay strong!