by, 11-27-2011 at 11:23 AM (1582 Views)
I can't say that I've ever written a blog before, but today I feel like there has got to be someone out there that feels like I do. There has to be someone else who feels a little bit lost, a little bit lonely and a little bit depressed. I have everything to be thankful for- a wonderfully supportive (although currently unemployed husband), a 19 month old son who is the light of my life, my family, a stable job, a house, and most of the time, my health. Something just isn't right though and I don't know what.
Sure, there's a lot of stress in my life these days, but overall I try to have a very positive attitude. I might not succeed in that the way that I think I do. I'm pretty sure that my family wouldn't say that I'm positive- they generally think that I'm unhappy in my life. I can't figure out if its because they think I should be someone that I'm not, or if I really am not who I use to be. I hear them say all of the time, "I don't know how you do it", but usually the undertone is 'oh, poor you'. The tone comes across that way, and I feel like I'm looked down on rather than admired for my hard work. I know it comes from a place of love, and that what they are really thinking is that they wish I didn't have to work so hard, that I deserve more, better. I guess that raises the question of, why isn't my life good enough? Is it because I, myself am a disappointment? Is it because I married someone they don't approve of? Is it that I don't manage my stress as well as I should? There is a general feeling from my parents and sister that I am not living up to my "potential". I am a nurse in a neonatal intensive care unit, I work full time, I have a wonderful son. I think that I'm a good (but often extremely tired) mom. What potential should I be living up to? Would a master's degree fix it? A slimmer body? A bigger house? Would they feel differently if I got a divorce and worked EVEN HARDER as a single mother? How should I be living? Should I be jumping off the rooftops exclaiming that I am so in love, that my job is wonderful, and my child utter perfection? Should I be making casseroles and cakes, exercising daily and eating veggies?
Here's what I KNOW that I am- today. I am sad, because I want them to understand. I want them to understand that even though I work hard, I don't hate my life. I know that I do the best that I can. I know that the babies that I take care of are in good hands, and that their parents trust me. I know that I have a gift for connecting with families, and that I love to educate them about their tiny babies. I know that I need to take care of myself better. I know that my marriage needs work. I know that I am strong some days, weak other days. I know that I will be fine. Today, I have to work on feeling like I am "enough"...enough by my standards. I don't know if I know what that is, really. What is enough? Happy? Full? Superwoman? I'd like to be those things too...one day at a time.