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I can't say that I've ever written a blog before, but today I feel like there has got to be someone out there that feels like I do. There has to be someone else who feels a little bit lost, a little bit lonely and a little bit depressed. I have everything to be thankful for- a wonderfully supportive (although currently unemployed husband), a 19 month old son who is the light of my life, my family, a stable job, a house, and most of the time, my health. Something just isn't right though and I don't know what.
Sure, there's a lot of stress in my life these days, but overall I try to have a very positive attitude. I might not succeed in that the way that I think I do. I'm pretty sure that my family wouldn't say that I'm positive- they generally think that I'm unhappy in my life. I can't figure out if its because they think I should be someone that I'm not, or if I really am not who I use to be. I hear them say all of the time, "I don't know how you do it", but usually the undertone is 'oh, poor you'. The tone comes across that way, and I feel like I'm looked down on rather than admired for my hard work. I know it comes from a place of love, and that what they are really thinking is that they wish I didn't have to work so hard, that I deserve more, better. I guess that raises the question of, why isn't my life good enough? Is it because I, myself am a disappointment? Is it because I married someone they don't approve of? Is it that I don't manage my stress as well as I should? There is a general feeling from my parents and sister that I am not living up to my "potential". I am a nurse in a neonatal intensive care unit, I work full time, I have a wonderful son. I think that I'm a good (but often extremely tired) mom. What potential should I be living up to? Would a master's degree fix it? A slimmer body? A bigger house? Would they feel differently if I got a divorce and worked EVEN HARDER as a single mother? How should I be living? Should I be jumping off the rooftops exclaiming that I am so in love, that my job is wonderful, and my child utter perfection? Should I be making casseroles and cakes, exercising daily and eating veggies?
Here's what I KNOW that I am- today. I am sad, because I want them to understand. I want them to understand that even though I work hard, I don't hate my life. I know that I do the best that I can. I know that the babies that I take care of are in good hands, and that their parents trust me. I know that I have a gift for connecting with families, and that I love to educate them about their tiny babies. I know that I need to take care of myself better. I know that my marriage needs work. I know that I am strong some days, weak other days. I know that I will be fine. Today, I have to work on feeling like I am "enough"...enough by my standards. I don't know if I know what that is, really. What is enough? Happy? Full? Superwoman? I'd like to be those things day at a time.
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  1. Nonna's Avatar
    Well, you are not alone in these feelings. I have them. Also. Funny thing is I was just going to write a blog a out them. I feel like I'm to the point of wanting to find a hole to crawl into.

    Family's say that they understand what we go through; their expections of us are alway more than we are because they want more for us. My parents were the same. Now they seem to accept me as I am; and my daughter wants more from me. They all want me to be health conscious. But my stomach won't let me eat raw veggies. I'm so tired of just chicken. I'm not a fish eater. Five mi utes of exercise and I'm exhausted.
    Believe it or not you sound better off than me. At least your job is rewarding and needed and awesome. I stll feel like I need a major change in my Life and I don't know where to start at my age. I heard a classmate died this past weekend. We are only 63-64. We are young. Hope is out there, we just need to find it. You have a good Life. Do counseling for your marriage; I had to go the single Mom route. It was hard especially with Lupus. My kids, ....... My kids, I wanted to do better for them; but I had to work. Father was across the country. I tried to use sports to keep them out of trouble. In the end they turned out great; but getting there was very very hard. Hope is helps; HUGS!!
  2. Nonna's Avatar
    We can survive and go forward because we have the strength and will to survive.
    Updated 05-01-2012 at 07:24 AM by rob