Sometimes I think my Librarians know me better than my friends. and walking with cane

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Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get over being embarrassed while walking with a cane. I know I need to get over myself, but it's just, so... almost mortifying, really. Being seen at such a vulnerable point, when i'm in enough pain and sick enough that i have to use one. I just got back from the library and small grocery, and im still slightly nervous, even though i'm home safe now, away from the public's watchful eye. Today at the library, a man sitting in a chair next to the section i was looking for books in (Young adult fiction), started to stare at me. I dont know how long he was doing it, but my boyfriend was sitting in the chair next to him, waiting for me, so when I peeked around the corner to get his attention, I noticed the man staring. And even though i looked right at him, he didnt stop. He didn't stop when i fumbled to stack my books and hold them in my free hand, didn't stop when i picked up my cane from where i had it leaning against the bookshelf, didn't stop when I quietly and embarassedly mumbled to my boyfriend, asking if he was ready to go.

Sometimes I think to myself that my librarians know more about me than some of my friends. Not that I actually talk to my librarians much, besides the usual "Hi, how are you, i'm fine thanks. It's so hot/cold/nice outside, I hope it does/doesn't last, me too, thank you, have a good day".
Merely from seeing me and checking out/ordering in my books.
They know that I love to read...that i'm a complete romantic, that I love fiction, and recipe books excite me. They ordered in my books on autoimmune when I first started getting sick, and then even more about Lupus. And not with vague names that they'd have to look into to guess, oh no..names so blatant and shameful I blushed as they read them off the screen, confirming my orders, as if I was ordering in a dirty romance or shameful novel/video.
We're talking names like, "The Lupus Recovery Diet", "Living Well With Autoimmune Disease: What your doctor doesn't tell you that you need to know"...heck, I even *asked* them where the Lupus or Autoimmune section was in the library...
They were there when I was just an ordinary teen, walking in from the hot summer, bright and cheery, shy but energetic and full of purpose. When I applied for a job there...when I finally got a job and used to walk there before and after work. When I started coming less and less... with my boyfriend more and more. When I started asking about the AI section, and then Lupus. When I ordered in all those books with embarrassing titles. And now, today, they were there, and they saw me when I used my cane for one of the first times. When I was in so much pain and so weak that I had to open and shut the car door with two hands, and even that was a struggle. They watched, quietly and kindly, as I slowly shuffled and spilled my books on their desk, trying to keep everything stable, while moving awkwardly with my cane. They were there during all these vulnerable moments.
And in a way, they really do know more about me than my "Friends" do.

I'm in so much pain today, with my arms and my fingers, my wrists, my ankles, my knees...my joints, my muscles, all so sore, all in so much pain. And I know i'm lucky, and that so many have it so much worse, but today is a bad day for me, and i'm just trying to get through it slowly. Hopefully without moping :)

I finally caved, and joined Twitter. Not because i have friends on there, or somebody asked me to..but because I keep hearing about this wonderful community for spoonies on twitter, and I wanted to be a part of it, to see it for myself.
My username is @ai_elo - if anybody's wondering. Or, really even reading this. :P If someone is, I congratulate you on shuffling through so much muck!

My doctor wanted me to journal...and i did, for many months, but it got to the point where it was something I *HAD* to do..and i spent more time writing about what I ate and if I walked, than what was *really* going on, beneath the surface. But I need to get into that again, just like I need to get back into drawing, and into schoolwork.
Today, I drew, and I wrote in my journal...well, Blog. I think that's a good start. I think i'll try to stick on this path, even if noone is listening.
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  1. Nonna's Avatar
    I'm listening and I know what you mean. I can't seem to find myself at the moment. But you sure seem to be on the right path. You may feel that Lupus has you down. But atleast you have a name for it. When I was your age, they called you a hypochondriac and said get over it. It's in your head. People are better off with Lupus today than they were 20, 30, 40 years ago. Live as best you can and don't worry. As for the man in the library, maybe next time you could say to him- I have Lupus, what's your problem/disease? LOL, a little sarcasm (not sure about spelling), never hurts. Maybe that's just me at my age. But you see we are all trying to find the right way to cope.

    Hugs and good thoughts