Silver linings and lead weights

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This past four years of fighting one pain disease after another has taken it's toll. It does on all of us but I can't speak for others, only me. I went from a vivacious, outgoing, on the move mom to a couch potato who can't remember if she ate that day. My son, now 18, has had to watch the EMTs take me away numerous times. He's lifted me from the kitchen floor after a seizure when I can't use my lips to speak clearly. My blood pressure runs from 90/60 to 180/115 -- never any idea what it will be. I now know most of the Drs in the ER and most of the nurses on the 2nd floor. And, of course, I owe the equivilent of college tuition in med bills.

But I have had the miscellaneous blessings thrown in, just to survive. After this past stay, I was so sick,so weak, still psychotic and still seizuring, the only way they would release me was into my parents' care. My parents are not easy. They screech at each other, my mother can barely walk, my father is a sever diabetic but they were alive and I was only barely so they took me on. In my defense, I was willing to do anything to get stronger. My body did NOT want food but I ate. And I slept. And I played very nice. I also talked at length with each of them, getting to really know them for the first time in my adult life. I wanted stories. I wanted to know what they did as kids and what my ancestors were like. I explained to my father that if he wanted my son in the car with him, then he HAD TO TAKE his insulin! My simplest explaination was, "dad, we're not ready for you to die." My mom is a finer rope to walk on. She has explosive anger and major mood swings. After two days of her intense care, my nerves (the one I had left) was shattered. I didn't lose my temper, I just asked her to stop screaming. I needed to start building my strength, come to me with requests, after all, I can hear! She didn't want to overtax me but she got the message. And she and I talked and talked. We talk each day on the phone but not like this. There were words that needed to be said and many that needed to be laid to rest. I very much considered this visit to be such a gift.

I'm home now. It's quiet and organized the way that I want things to be. I''m back with my cats and dog and my son is so much happier. I can drive short distances and I've made payments and scheduled appts. I'm still sick. Every day that I am functional is NOT to be wasted. At 49, I'm waiting on my Life Alert necklace because I don't want to ever have to be looking for a babysitter for myself again.

And most importantly, this past hospitalization proved I wasn't a hypochondriac or an attention junky. I'm just sick. In the past few weeks, my bladdar failed, my liver needs a biopsy and my neuological system is highly questionable (as if I wasn't clued into this last one!). My joints now swell if I'm not extremely careful and I'll be in agony if I do too much. But I've discovered old movies and old shows like the Waltons. At first I cried (not sad, just touched) a lot but now I just love the simplicity and sweetness of the stories. My son and I watched the Sound of Music together and I heard him sing for the first time in years. I didn't dare look at him or comment because he would've stopped but it was beautiful.

So, Silver and lead. We'll see what today brings.[/FONT]
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