I navigate these crooked paths.
by, 01-24-2012 at 09:49 PM (922 Views)
I have not really posted on this site in quite some time... I have found myself very busy with life as of late. With all of the holidays and my wedding and honeymoon all thrown into the last few months things have been a bit out of control and I felt like I haven't been able to breathe. Much less reflect on how everything is going. I am incredibly happy to now be a wife, after 5 years of being the girlfriend it is a nice change of title. I have found myself struggling, however, with my self-worth a little and it continues to haunt me in my mind. I sometimes feel like my husband is the one thing that I have. Aside from my family and friends etc, my husband though is the thing I have gotten right. I don't mean for it sound pathetic or like he is some trophy prize, he just is the only thing I feel I can be proud of.. I feel like so many things are uncertain and he isn't. He is sturdy and supportive and everything that I could ever hope for. I dont mean to seem mushy. I have just been struggling with this. He loves me completely and unconditionally and without reservation. Sometimes I don't feel I deserve that. I am sick, I don't work, I hate cooking.. We don't have kids as of yet. I feel like there is this unless list of the things that I don't do or can't do and he somehow managed to choose me. I just feel amazed at times. I find this topic deeply personnel and I can never say these words of self-doubt outloud. I always feel so judged by the people around me and this is hard for me to cope with. I have never been this person. I've never doubted myself and I've always been confident. Somehow over the past two years, of getting this crazy sickness, not having a job, STILL attempting to make photography my career since its what I love-I feel a bit lost in it all... The only thing that keeps me grounded is my husband. The only way I can find myself out of these woods of doubt. He is so encouraging and so supportive I feel I don't deserve this kind of love... I think it's so crazy how life can change so quickly. This past year has been a long,hard, stressful and very happy one. But there has been alot of adjusting and coping to deal with it. I guess this is just life though. I have been to 4 doctors in the last month-4 different doctors...before last year I had been to 1 doctor 4 times in 4 years. Its a really big change from how things use to be. I am still adjusting to this life. I am still learning how to cope and deal with this. My rheumy did however give me the good news of not having to go back to him for six months.. But then I still have my PC to check in, and then the eye docctors, oh and let's not forget the dentist... And whoever else people have to see regularly. It just gets old after awhile. The needles and blood drawing, the poking and prodding, the questions and weird stares when they think your crazy. It's also hard not having many people understand or willing to try. My family isn't a very big support. They just sort of ignore it or tell me what I'm not doing right... No one asks me how I'm feeling or how I am dealing with this. Just criticizes. It's a very frustrating time to even try and talk to them about it. The only person who fully cares is my husband and even he can only understand so much... It's still hard to function normally sometimes but I find I always push myself through it... Sometimes I feel I'm not allowed to feel the pain I have in my body. The one that is constantly there no matter the pills you take. Some days are better then others and I deal ok but I get tired of dealing sometimes. I know this is just a life adjustment thing and I am learning what I could do I can't always do anymore and I just have to learn to be ok with it. I am a positive person and I deal with this well on most days but somedays I am not. Somedays are good and some or worse then the last. I just hate having to live all days most days even when they are worse days.. I think I am just overly annoyed today because I have had a migraine all day and my joints are hurting.... Today, though,I could feel all the pain in my body, and the emotions it brings with it, as well as the stress. Today was not most days.
overall though things are going well-I feel like I am able to breathe a little bit now and as if things are starting to ease up and get easier.. Not so many doctors, or needles or questions or a wedding to plan-at least not my own, hopefully not as many stresses on life, I've started working out regularly and it helps with the stress-sometimes i just have to take it easy.. Here's to hoping it gets better and easier and I can start to get my life back on track and not doubt myself so much..this is my goal for this year... oh and to cook more and better meals!
"you learn to run you learn to race through life it's unforgiving pace these lines are tracing to the truth and stepping over endless cracks I navigate these crooked paths but all my roads lead back to you. Who are we to argue fate and who is time to make us wait I'm standing here with nothing left to prove. But we're still coming home a thread to the unknown and all the lines we cast into forever are tangled like some wreckage in the road, a road we walk alone, all the time that's passed held us together and all the lines we cast will bring us home. It's a long way but I'm coming home"