Toradoradi

I can't remember when the earth turned slowly...

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Don't you ever wish you could just paused life? Just for s little bit, to catch up, to have the moments that you wish for. To just stop reality for a little while so it's not constantly shoved in your face making you think about it. I just want to have a moment when I'm not thinking about this or that every single day. I'm wishing for this moments more and more as the months go on. I just want a holiday from real for awhile. Just a moment to breathe. It seems like the time has just passed by the last few months and I don't know where it went. I don't know what happened to all of these moments that I had. Was I actually there? Did I feel these things? Is this really happening?
Things are just different all around for me. I just don't know how I got to this place. There are days that I have that are good, the moments are there, I'm there. I'm happy. But lately it's been less and less of those days. I think it's just the stress of everything happening all at once and I'm just going through the motions I'm supposed to. Doing the things expected of me. Putting on the face of the person I'm supposed to be. I can't say I'm entirely happy right now. There is just too much to process, too much to feel that I can't grapse it all. I feel like I'm supposed to be so happy right now. I feel like things are supposed to be the best they've been. I don't feel it though. I know I should but I just don't. I know it's going to get easier soon. I know I just have to push through the next two months and it will get easier. I will get back to the place I want to be. I will get back to happy. Its one thing to be strong for yourself, it's entirely another to be strong for another person too. There's just no air, no room for anything else in life except what's in it. There is no room for all the things that make us happy. The things there was time for to make us happy have been taken over by this disease and everything that goes with it. That was the last thing that could be given for anything. That was the room for happy. It's taken over my body and this life. I know it could worse, I know it isn't the end of the world but right now things are so consumed with everything else I think forget that there is still good things in life. So many of them. I need to realize that more, focus on that more. Try to find time for that. I just need to pause time for a day... An hour. 15 minutes. Anything to just catch up an breathe and be ok with everything else going on. Unfortunately, life doesn't give us those moments. It's keeps moving. Constantly and without mercy for how you feel or what you want. It keeps hurdling towards the unknown, towards the next moments, the next hour, the next day, even if we don't want to. It doesn't wait for happy. We have to catch up and find it all on our own.

I may have to run a marathon to get there. But I will get there. We will both get there. We will find it again.

"I keep forgetting when the earth turned slowly, so I just wait here till the lights come on again. I lost my place but I can't stop this story, I'll find my way but until then I'm only spinning"
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