by, 03-24-2011 at 11:34 PM (920 Views)
I find myself lost sometimes. Like I don't know where my life is going from here. Things can be so stressful sometimes that it's hard to deal with. I've always been an upbeat person. I've never really had very many health issues. I was a ballet dancer for 11 years. I went all around the country for competitions and dance festivals. I had a very active teenage life, I was independent and confident. I fell in love at 19 and found the love of my life. We moved into together a year later to my parents dismay. We have been together since and are getting married in dec. I've had a happy life. A simple life. One filled with so much more then most. I'm the youngest sibling of 10 kids. I'm an aunt to 28 nieces and nephews. I love my family. This past year has probably been one of my hardest and one of my best all rolled into one. Which is confusing sometimes. I lost my job in feb of 10'. I changed my BC pills to ones that changed my personality for the better, I had been crazy emotional up til then and I didn't even know it until I switched and then it was like my whole world opened up. I had the worst "flare" of my life for two months straight and didnt know what it was and didn't go to the doctors. Had a good summer, a good birthday, fiancÚ proposed on our 4 year anniversary which was the one thing I had been hoping for for the last 3 years. I was diagnosed with lupus in Jan after my annual app with my doc and blood tests came back weird...now I'm on plaquinel, adjusting to this life that I've never had before. I'm planning a wedding, getting ready to move out of this place I've called home for the past 3 years after leaving the only home I had for 20 years. There is just so much going on and has gone on for the past year that I just want it to stop for a little while. I just want to be carefree and enjoy everything around me instead of having to be one step ahead of everything all the time. Sometimes I just feel so lost and overwhelmed in thing we call life that I can't keep my head straight. There have been so many good and bad things that have happened that I don't know if I should cry for joy or for sadness. I think along the way I've cried for both. I've felt both, I've dealt with both and I've lived both. But it doesn't make it easier, it's not making this life less overwhelming right now. I feel so over my head in everything, all the good and all the bad that I feel I can't find myself in all this mess. I have never been one for change, I don't cope with it well and this year... This year has been a huge year of change for me and I think I'm trying to learn how to deal with it without falling apart.. I don't know why I write
these things..maybe to make them less scary? More real?
Maybe because I'm searching for a resolution of sorts...
Maybe to come to terms with everything that has
happened. To find the person I have always been. To learn how to deal with the ever changing ways of life that are never what we pictures. I was reading an old journal I keep and I always find it strange to read about the things that have happened or that I have hoped for in the past. Those things may be spoken for or forgotten all together by now. I was the same person then as I always have been but it was a page from a different life. A different set of eyes, a lighter pressure on the pen. I have moments when I think to myself...everything is going to be ok, you are still that same person as before, you still have the same heart no matter what happens, you still have hope. And that. Is what gets me through.