Just when you think you know the rules the game changes
by, 01-04-2011 at 10:48 PM (998 Views)
As much as I adore this site I haven't been on it in awhile. There are several reasons for that, the holiday season being a big one. My daughter was chosen as a student ambassador to Australia/New Zealand and we have of course been working on a lot of fund raising ideas for that. I hate asking people for money, but with only the retirement coming in right now it's the only way she is going to get to go on this trip, and this trip could open a lot of other opportunities. It frustrates me that if I was working I could just pay for it, no worries. But the doctors, of course, won't sign off on it so the prison won't let me work.
Anyway, the rapidly changing mood swings and thought processes are the third reason I have kind of slowed down on posting. As those of you who I have spoken to know, when I joined this sight I was at the end of my rope. Done living, not suicidal but just done putting forth any effort. This sight reinvergerated me more than any thereapist I have ever seen. The people here go through the same things you do, they are a miracle. As Christmas quickly jumped forward on me, I had a million things I had to do, and I knew from my friends here that even the sick can get what is important accomplished with enough will. Then my stomach got a lot worse, and leaving the house was not even possible for fear of needing a bathroom. I decided that my medicine was causing this and I just quit taking all of it. Here's where it got a little tricky, because it worked. For about 6 days, then the world came crashing down. I was so swollen sitting hurt, standing was impossible, and walking out of the question. I told myself that it was just a little flare, and a good night sleep would help immensly. Of course, that would require me getting a good night sleep which was not going to happen. So, after 3 days of the horrid pain and the development of at least 3 major rashes, and the onset of fever I finally fessed up that I hadn't been taking my meds. Back to the meds slowly at first. A little over a week back on the meds, and I was right back to mediocre. So here comes the thoughts again I will never be better than mediocre, so what is the point. I can be perfectly content right here in my house with my puzzles, and books. I thought you all would be so ashamed of me. See I had somehow decided not to be sick, and my body said "SCREW YOU ITS NOT YOUR PICK" . So I guess I have to start over now. I am sick, now how do I live with that. Somehow even if my health is never better than mediocre, there has to be a way to live that is better than content. I have no great revelation to make. I know I can do better than I am, I just haven't gotten there the right way.