serand4

God's will

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I'm not a fluid writer anymore and there is so little advice can offer advice with any authority. I often wonder what I would be like in a work setting. Would I be that woman that drives everyone crazy? You and I know her/him. Always the know it all but seldom correct. Anymore I don't jump into conversations because even if I'm certain of the topic, I won't get the full sentence out before I forget what I was saying. Today my son was reliving one of our favorite programs that was just on last night. I tried to be cool and play it off, but I could not remember 95% of the skit. I just asked him to act it out for me again. He's a smart kid, he knew what was going on.

And then let's talk about bills. I owe around $25,000 thanks to this illness. Everyone gets a little and that seems to keep the lions at bay, but if I don't get medicaid soon, my life is going to change a whole lot. I will be moving in with mom and dad and while I love them deeply, they also have medical issues and we'd be trampling over each other to find what we need. That one I leave in God's hands. Maybe they need me right now so I will follow the footsteps set before me.

Depression has become a very close friend and I struggle hourly to keep it at bay. It's not a case of "why me?" Truly, why anyone? It's the lack of understanding and the endless means to diagnose it that is so frustrating! Put two doctors in one room with the topic and we'd probably find them dead at the end of it all! That's one reason I'm not trucking back up to the Cleveland Clinic. What for? They'll agree with whatever doctor wrote the best summary (or shortest summary) and show me the door. I'm just too tired to be poked and prodded all over again. Put me in long sleeves, a big hat and sunscreeen and then take be for a boat ride on the ocean. I think I'd get more relief.

I can't let this defeat me and I won't. I hope others will share how they got through their life experiences with autoimmune diseases. I need the kick in the butt to get me moving. I'm just so darned tired! It's hard to stay motivated.

Take care and God bless.
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