neonlilies

My Mom Has Lupus.

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My mom is on this site, so she will probably read this. But im not going to let that stop me, cause i really need to find someone who can help me like she has herself. She isnt better by any means, but she is less down. I need that. I don't know what to say entirely but i guess I'll just wing it. since i can remember my mom has been sick. But when i was younger she hid it. She led my grl scout troop and chapperoned my field trips. Then it got worse. she was more irritable and stopped doing things. I remember her being sick alot and saying she hurt and me just blowing it off. Then t got even worse when she had a stroke. I remember seeing her after, she was glazed over and you could tell she wasnt ok. Shortly after, she was diagnosed with lupus. She sas that knowing what was wrong with her made her feel better. but not me. Cause now i can perdict the future. Long story short: my moms going to die a hell of alot ealier than she should. And there isnt a damn thing i can do to stop it. Not a damn thing. I sure tried though. After her diagnoses i worked my butt off to help her. I did everything i could. Somewhere along the line though, I gave up. Iknow its terrible to say but i did. And i hear about it all the time. she says i dont care anymore. but i do. I reeaally do. It just hurts to watch her crumble. This woman who used to be strong and my protecter is now lying in a bed unable to move on some days asking my to put her socks on. Id rather turn my head then break my own heart over her every day. and i know i shouldnt do that, i really do. But i ccant help it. I just am not strong enough for her. Im just not good enough.
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