Sometimes it's time to cry
by, 10-20-2010 at 04:52 PM (684 Views)
I was raised not to cry. My mom is a beautiful person and very caring and loving but crying always freaked her out and she'd do everything in her power to make us stop. A therapist once told me it was because it was something she was powerless over and couldn't make us feel better so not crying made her feel like she had healed the pain. As I've grown and had a child of my own, I've made it very clear that crying is extremely okay in my house! I think tears are God's version of pain pills -- I always feel better after a good cry.
Sooooo...ever since my last hospital stay where I broke down and begged for God to take me (throwing up blood with unbelievable pain), I seem to just break into tears every time pain takes over. And, as all of us Lupus or Fibro suffers know, pain hits us all over pretty much all the time. Last week I got out of the hospital and woke up the next day with a raging sinus infection. Okay, by the weekend I was able to do some things with my son. Wake up Monday with a brand new sinus infection in my lungs. My lungs are my most vunerable organs at this point. Breathing it terribly hard most of the time and I was scheduled for testing on Tuesday to see if the Lupus was in my lungs. Believe me, I wanted to cry my heart out! I was SO tired of all of it. But crying also makes it hard to breath so I controlled myself. It's as if my body simply refuses to give me a break (and I know I'm absolutely not alone in this feeling). I wasn't particularly healthy all my life and my lungs have always been fragile but all these infections are just kicking my bottom!
And my poor kitties. I ran out of cat food last night and there was no way I could go out and wasn't sure I would be well enought to get out today but by the great grace of God I had quite the recovery today and could get the kitty food and some necessary prescriptions. The kitties are happy so I'm much more at peace.
As far as the crying, I still think I may be up for a very long, strong sob. I just feel so helpless! I have endless bottles of prescriptions. I have the phone numbers, names, extensions of way too many doctors. My pharmacist may as well send me graduation notices of the kids of his that my copays have sent to college! I hope, pray, ask for prayers that the Plaquinel kicks in soon. I'm going on three months so here's hoping!
Well, I'm sure glad I can blog here. It's almost as good as a good cry! God bless.