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Starting in the third grade I played the violin. Playing music was my life through the rest of elementary school, junior high and definitely high school. Music doesn't judge, music doesn't demand anythinig from you and music is just plain beautiful. It played a huge role in my sanity through the last few years of high school and living at home with my crazy parents. When I played I could imagine I was somewhere else, I could get lost in the music. I was good, not great, not bad. It also gave me a sense of belonging. I belonged to the orchestra. I was vice president for one year and president for two years; I was in charge of the orchestra. I loved it. I still play sometimes, I have a natural ear for it; I can always tell if something is not in tune and I can always hear perfect harmony. I needed the sense of belonging. Growing up, my parents didn't show much affection. We don't hug, we don't kiss and we don't share feelings. After I graduated I quit playing. I lost my sense of belonging. I joined the fire department as a volunteer firefighter but that didn't last long. I've jumped from serious boyfriend to serious boyfriend and haven't done things for me in life. I even thought I was in love with one of them and thought I wanted to marry him. I was dumb. I, thankfully, realized they wanted me way more than I wanted them. This was all until I started dating Keith. He is amazing and supports my decisions, lets me do things for myself and to better my life. He's there for me when nobody else is. Of course this comes with a price. He works four jobs! I am home alone 60% of the time. We don't do a lot of 'normal' couple things because he's never there. When he is there we have to do things like grocery shopping, cleaning, things of that nature. Lately has been hard. I've gone into a depressed state and can't seem to get out. Keith worked yesterday from 8-6 and was supposed to be home last night but picked up overtime at his full time job. He won't spend any time with me until Wednesday night for a few hours. Maybe I'm being selfish but he sees overtime as a dollar sign and I see it as less time with me. I haven't been eating well, sleeping well and have just felt like I want to cry but can't. I don't have too many friends and those that I do aren't close. I've tried to find a hobby but the lack of money has really burdened that. I sew preemie baby blankets and hats to donate but I do that alone, so again, I'm lonely. Anyway just needed to vent.
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  1. SandyR's Avatar
    WOW! I can hear plainly in your words how stressed and upset you are and I can understand that need to feel like you belong. I don't know where you live, but have you considered joining a local community or church orchestra? Or tutoring? I have alot of music teacher friends and they make nice money tutoring. Plus, it would help you feel a little less loney by being out more.
    I can understand that you want to be able to spend time with your bf and feel like you are more important to him then overtime. I would be willing to bet that he wouldn't be working so hard if he didn't want to support you so well. I know that's not really a comfort, but does he know how you feel about all this? I'm a big talk out your problems believer.
    I think it's awesome that you sew premie blankies. Do you make quilts? Do you machine or hand sew? How did you get started with that? Do you ever get to see these premies your blankies go to?
  2. MicRoMediC's Avatar
    I haven't thought about tutoring orchestra. I have thought about being a big sister to someone though but with my schedule, 24 hours on and 48 hours off, I can't do the same day every week. I know he works a lot to take care of me and to make sure I'm never without, it's just frustrating at times. I'm a lot better now, I think I just needed one day with him to reassure myself. I have talked to him a lot about it, we're very open and honest in our relationship which makes it such a great relationship. He knows my concerns but continues to say that he wants to take care of me. He's trying to work a lot right now to pay for my nursing school, which I informed him that it was my responsibility not his but he insists.

    I do sew quilts, not complicated ones just simple ones but it's all done on a simple machine, not a high dollar one cuz I can't afford one of those. My mom sews a lot and I love working with kiddos and I know that parents with preemies have an especially hard time with things and manufacturers don't make a lot of preemie things so I wanted to do something special for them. I used to work in a children's hospital but I never get to see where my blankets go, which is fine. In the back of my mind I know that they go to a good cause. It keeps me busy when I'm bored and it gives me a sense of accomplishment. Anyway, thanks for replying to my blog, I really needed someone to.
  3. SandyR's Avatar
    Being a Big Sister sounds like a wonderful idea. My mom signed my brother and I up when we were kids and 22 years later I still talk with my "Big Sister". We've become real sisters. I have spent countless weekends, holidays, birthdays and everydays at her house. Her kids are my nieces and nephews. In fact, I am going to pick up my oldest niece from her 1st yr of college in VT and we are roadtripping back to her house in Philly. My sister was a nurse when we met (PEDS Oncology) and she worked a 4/3 shift too. We became very close (obviously) and there was no set schedule. We worked our visits around our schedules. I say "Go for it!". You'll love it. And if the tutoring thing still interests you, I don't see why you can't do both.
    I understand what you mean about just needing someone, anyone to respond. I am glad to hear things are better. I think it's nice that your bf wants to take care of you and I get what you mean when you say it isn't his responsibility. I am glad you have the kind of relationship where you can communicate openly.