by, 10-20-2009 at 03:01 PM (464 Views)
Starting in the third grade I played the violin. Playing music was my life through the rest of elementary school, junior high and definitely high school. Music doesn't judge, music doesn't demand anythinig from you and music is just plain beautiful. It played a huge role in my sanity through the last few years of high school and living at home with my crazy parents. When I played I could imagine I was somewhere else, I could get lost in the music. I was good, not great, not bad. It also gave me a sense of belonging. I belonged to the orchestra. I was vice president for one year and president for two years; I was in charge of the orchestra. I loved it. I still play sometimes, I have a natural ear for it; I can always tell if something is not in tune and I can always hear perfect harmony. I needed the sense of belonging. Growing up, my parents didn't show much affection. We don't hug, we don't kiss and we don't share feelings. After I graduated I quit playing. I lost my sense of belonging. I joined the fire department as a volunteer firefighter but that didn't last long. I've jumped from serious boyfriend to serious boyfriend and haven't done things for me in life. I even thought I was in love with one of them and thought I wanted to marry him. I was dumb. I, thankfully, realized they wanted me way more than I wanted them. This was all until I started dating Keith. He is amazing and supports my decisions, lets me do things for myself and to better my life. He's there for me when nobody else is. Of course this comes with a price. He works four jobs! I am home alone 60% of the time. We don't do a lot of 'normal' couple things because he's never there. When he is there we have to do things like grocery shopping, cleaning, things of that nature. Lately has been hard. I've gone into a depressed state and can't seem to get out. Keith worked yesterday from 8-6 and was supposed to be home last night but picked up overtime at his full time job. He won't spend any time with me until Wednesday night for a few hours. Maybe I'm being selfish but he sees overtime as a dollar sign and I see it as less time with me. I haven't been eating well, sleeping well and have just felt like I want to cry but can't. I don't have too many friends and those that I do aren't close. I've tried to find a hobby but the lack of money has really burdened that. I sew preemie baby blankets and hats to donate but I do that alone, so again, I'm lonely. Anyway just needed to vent.