and his name is allen

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So, I don't know if anyone will read this, or you know, even think about reading it. But the best way to get things off my mind is to write. I may not write well, but I just get this immense pleasure out of writing my thoughts. Or in this case typing. Just so you all know, it is 3:07 AM August 3rd, 2009. I am writing this because I cannot sleep. My mind have been over run with worries about my appointment tomorrow. I try not to worry, but it comes naturally to me. So, anyway, I'm here to tell you about my best friend;

His name is Allen...
...And he means the world to me

He is a tall boy, a little meat on his bones, but not fat, just, big boned. Trust me, I am not trying to be nice, I try to be as honest as possible when I talk about people. He has these big blue eyes, they make my heart smile. His hair pretty much has a mind of its own, and he walks about as awkwardly as a fish out of water. He glows, really, he does, he is funny, romantic, very understanding, a bit brutal in his honesty, but we all have our flaws. He goes out of his way to make time for me, and doesn't mind spending a few minutes to make me feel better. He calls me his stardust, and I call him my starlight. He can play Saxophone better than anyone I know, and has extraordinary acting skills. He never ceases to amaze me. Most of all, he understands.

I met him, in 7th grade, which was three years ago. I was interested in one of his best friends. Turns out, he didn't like me hanging around. Its kind of funny actually, we hated each other with a burning passion in the beginning. Actually, he nearly fractured my arm one time by twisting it into an awkward position because I was annoying him.

We didn't talk after that for almost two years, until this past Autumn when I began my freshman year in High school. For reasons i will not disclose in this blog, I was very unhappy, I was trying everything to find, anything really. I was always tired, and I am very socially awkward. I am just flat out odd, but people usually like me once they get to know me. The problem is, breaking the ice. In winter, I found just what I was looking for, something I could do, and I could do pretty decently. The school play. Much to my surprise, I passed tryouts and made the part I was tried out for. It also turns out, Allen was the leading role. That meant I HAD to to spend time with him, to be exact, every day of the week, for 6 weeks, plus some weekends.

A random rant that kind of got out of control; Enjoy

Now, before I continue I want to get one thing straight. I believe with everything, and anything, with all my heart, that everyone deserves to be love, and there is never room for hate. Ever. End of story. I don't care who are you are, and what your past has been like, or you know, anything like that, I love you. Seriously. Everyone needs to know they are loved, EVERYONE, even criminals, rapists, murders, those evil abuse husbands and dads, or even the wife you just can't stand because she is constantly PMSing. As Horton once said "A persons and person no matter how small" (And insignificant they may be) -Horton Hears A Who, Dr. Seuss They may have done something wrong, but they need to be loved too. (And I don't believe in organized religion so don't call me a bible thumper, I'm not, I believe in a creator, and a heaven and a hell, and a savior, that's it, I will not call those characters god, or jesus, or anything similar. AND let me make this clear, I DON'T CARE WHO WHAT WHERE WHEN HOW WHY AND SO ON, I WILL NEVER HATE YOU. I am not racist, sexist, anti religious, anything, as said above, everyone needs love.) So anyway, That is my belief and I have one other strong belief. I don't often feel sad, mad, upset, afraid, or any other negative feeling. I truly believe all those feelings just hold us back. For example, say your cat dies, crying and hiding in your room will not make him come back. Stubbing your toe, screaming about it will not change the fact that you just broke your toe on the glass table in your living room because you were too busy texting to be paying attention to where you were going. [Guilty] So, seriously, I try and avoid those feelings at all costs, I think we should try and enjoy life, because, I don't know what happens after this for sure. I believe there is something, I'm just not sure what. So I figure, just in case there is nothing, I wanna have the most positive outlook on life EVER. I don't have time to be sad, I just wanna laugh and smile, and cry (but only because I am really happy.) I want to enjoy life, and live it to the fullest. My favorite thing to do, is effect someone in some way. To know I made a difference. Even if I just made them smile, I know, I must have done something right. And that feeling of accomplishment is what helps me make it through those long days at school. I just can't stand to see people in pain, or suffering from sadness or grief.

Back on topic;

So, on the opening night of the play, when I saw him, with that sad look on his face, my heart broke. Why? Because I wasn't sure if he would want my support, or advice, or whatever he needed. So, I simply asked him, "Do you need a hug?" At first he hesitated, but I stood there holding my arms out for a moment, and finally he accepted it. Every day, before the show, he received a hug from me, and if he ran by me back stage, he would hug me then too. We didn't talk much, but I was sure by then that a friendship was beginning. We started talking after that, and I found out, he just needed some sunshine in his life. I realized I was just the right person for that. He offered me the support I needed to keep up that peppy, positive, spontaneous, attitude, and I brought some light into his life.

...and I thought I was alone

Allen has Cerebral Palsy, aka CP, for those of you who don't know it is caused by damage to the motor control center of the brain. When he was born, he died, and this is what caused it for him. When I first told him the amount of pain I was in, it was like something inside him suddenly lit up. He told me about his condition and he told me he understood. It turns out, he is also photosensitive, lactose intolerant, and can't do too many physical activities, his CP limits him. All of these things may cause him extreme pain or weakness. Now to all of you, two of those three things should sound familiar. For me, all three did. I cannot spend too much time in the sun, I am allergic to milk, and if I spend too much time doing strenuous activities, my joints and muscles cause severe pain. I thought I was alone till I met him. And finally, I found someone that understands the pain, and we will help eachother through it. I will not disclose in this blog the reason why, but, I spent far too much time in the dark. And as I told him, the dark will never go away, it will always be there, but at least now I can see, because of him, I have some starlight to help me, to shine my way through the dark.

One day, maybe he will read this.
I love you Starlight, and I can never thank you enough for all that you have brought out of me, and brought to me.
Your Girlfriend,
Julia aka Stardust
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  1. Angel Oliver's Avatar

    Love n hugs Amanda.xx
  2. rob's Avatar
    Hi Julia,

    I think you are one heck of a good writer. It's funny how we can have so much in common with people from such different situations and ages. Here I am, a 41 year old guy, yet I find so much familiarity in many of your words.

    I have always been awkward-different. I never fit in, and really never wanted to. I chose to create my own way of being and let people join MY group instead. The only requirement, was that you had to be unique, had to be your own person. As such, most of my friends over the years have been others who didn't quite fit in either. Many have had physical and/or mental disabilities or issues. So called "normal" people can be boring, but those who are labeled "weird", tend to be the most interesting people in life!

    I understand your views on religion too. I don't know what's out there. Is there an afterlife, or do we just cease to exist after we are gone. I want very much to believe in a higher power, but at this point in my life, I honestly don't. So, I call myself an Agnostic. I hope there is something, but I haven't found it yet.

    About hate-it does nothing but eat a person up inside. I've had hatred in my life, both directed towards me, and from me towards others. I can't control what others do and think, so I just take care of myself. Sometimes, hatred can seem justified. I had a lifelong friend who was killed in action in Iraq two years ago. I have terrible hatred of those who killed him. I struggle with it because I know that's not the way I want to be. There is too much hate in this world.

    Your friend Allen sounds like an amazing, unique individual who is a friend for life. Good friends don't just appear out of the blue every day. Best friends are a rare thing, something to cherish and protect.

    Anyway, I really enjoyed reading your first blog entry. I look forward to reading more in the future!