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What a great day to start anew. Happy Easter to all who believe.
It seems as if everyday I say "Okay, today is the day I will eat better, be nicer to people, exercise, take all my meds, blah blah blah. "
But then I hurt and when I hurt I have so little patience for others. When I'm tired and someone whines about how they went to bed late and now their tired I want to SCREAM and tell them what TIRED really feels like.
It is days like today that remind me over that I do have lupus. It is very much apart of my life now as everything else. A constant reminder that I do have to remind myself things arent how they use to be. I had a very long and hectic day. A hectic week. Today, after playing and watching a 2 year old for a few hours (which was the least taxing out of everything) I went to get my tires replaced on my car after discovering that they were in very bad shape. As I am sitting in the tire place waiting
Since being diagnosed with SLE last year I've found myself feeling relatively lucky. Not the most common reaction to a diagnosis such as this but its true...In May 2010 I started to get some strange pains in my hands and sore fingertips. A colleague I worked with at the time said to me out of the blue "maybe you have lupus, a friend of mine has it and that's how her's started". I basically shrugged it off but as the pain started to come more often I went to the docs. Got tested for RA,
I mourn races not run because it hurt too much
I mourn time not spent with my kids because the meds knocked me out
I mourn the loss of freedom to do the simplest of things like toss a frisbee for my dog
I mourn being too tired to stand up for myself when others were belligerent and arguementive
I mourn losing the "best years of my life" to sickness
I mourn life unlived
Nothing seems to go as planned. Sometimes that is good, sometimes not so much. I find myself faced with this more and more as life goes forward. I'm still expected to function at a normal level even though my body doesn't always want to. I can't plan for the days I will feel good, I have to take it as it comes. Deal with the bad days as they come. I can't plan for them. I can't expect them, when I think I'll have a good day it isn't always the day i think it will be. I have been struggling with