I know, the situation is getting worse for me. I think I'll have to confront things sooner than later.
It just gets to the point where you have to bring up assisted living. My mom had advanced alzheimers and nothing would please her. She was driving me crazy. For my own sanity, mom and dad had to go into a home. I couldn't bathe mom anymore. My back would go into spasms and then I had to go to the chiropractor (which at that time I could not afford). Poor dad had it worse than me. Mom started to get physically violent and hit him when he disagreed with her over things. We didn't know at the time he had a form of bone cancer. Believe me, he had the patience of the bibical Job. It isn't selfishness. It is doing what is best for them, even if they don't think so.
I woke to horrible dreams this morning, it made me feel like everything good about my life is being taken from me. I know that this is just a passing thing. A feeling of being overwhelmed, being out of control.
Out of control of my life, as if I was ever in control. Never have I been in control there has always been someone else there to make or help me make decisions. Even when I was a single mom I was not in control - doing what was best for the kids. Now I'm doing what is best for my parents; what they want. I feel like I'm not in control.
What is control? Everyone always wants to control things. I know I have to and want to trust that The Lord God knows what he is doing, but why am I tormented with bad dreams. I want to cry but can't. I want hugs, but none are freely given. I'm feeling alone in the crowd again; everyone supposedly understands. But no one truly offers help.
Lord I trust in you, lord I praise your name.