Ok, I sometimes wonder if I'm losing it. Through out my life as a writer, I've been able to create a world of fantasy where I could hide from the evils in my life. My mind has ceased to function on that level. I've had writer's block for almost a year. I can only guess that my stress levels have been slowly but continuously rising. Well, I hope to find relief soon as my parents will be going into assisted living. My mother is very fragile, and gets so anemic that they give her blood transfusions. Her condition is stable for the moment, but you never know when she is going to fall again. Of course all this stress is no good for my Dad's heart.
Lord, watch over us. And thank you for your footsteps in the sand.
Moonbeam ((((((((((hugs)))))))). ;-). You do help me to feel better, never doubt that
As you know the lupus can make us very tired, as can stress. I think both may be affecting you.
I'm so tired. I don't like having to cook every night. I used to love to cook and try new recipes. Now I can't it's the same thing , day in and day out. They don't like this, they don't like that. I'm so physically tired because I have to get up before I'm ready, I have to make sure all is going smoothly. I'm just so tired............ Lupus or stress? I don't know. I just want to sleep.
I've decided that my mother is obsessed with time. She messes with her watch and is constantly asking what time I have. Meals, bedtime, everything must be by the clock.
As for me, my mind to finger, eye co-ordination seems worse. I just spelled by as Byblos. What is that? How does that happen. Can't wait to get off this antibiotic I'm on, so I can take my pain pills again. The Lyrica doesn't help with joint pain.
People in the complex are starting to go back up north now. I hope once it quiets down I can get back into a normal routine. Trying to adjust to Mother's current desires is hard. Some days we go smoothly others are rough. Wish I had funny stories to tell. Need to laugh more, None of the usual stress relievers are working lately. I'm at rock bottom I think, only place to go is up.
I don't know how people do caregiving as a profession. Maybe it's different when it's not family. Right now I feel like I'm being treated like a slave. It doesn't matter how I feel, I have to complete the task they want done at the time. You raise and care for your child, then expect time for you. I went from raising my kids to helping raise my grand kids and now caring for my parents. Feeling every much down at the moment. Need to pick myself up and make the bad thoughts go away.
Does your mom use a walker? If your mom is falling when you go out or are in the house, it might be time to consider one for her? My mom had fierce resistance to using one, but we made her use it anyway. As you know, she may only be one fall away from being bedridden for the rest of her life. I took my mom to the Dr. one time when she fell in the elevator onto other people. Luckily, they didn't get hurt. It got to the point where I could not take her to the Dr. anymore or to the dentist anymore. That is when they had to go to a rest home. There was a Dr. who made home calls there fortunately. It wasn't long after that that I got hospice to come in and help Dad with the pain. They were giving him less that a year to live at that time. He lasted about three or four months more by the time hospice took over. On a lighter note, I am glad you had a little bit of a reprieve before you took your mom to the Dr.
Today was a good day until we got to the doctors. Mother refused to believe she takes so much medicine; then insisted on trying to fill out the forms herself. After that it was downhill. Miss independence tried to pull away from me to go down the steps on her own and luckily I caught her as she would have fallen yet again. Now she's in the other room complaining to Daddy about me. Moonbeam you said your Dad had patience with your Mom. My Dad's patience goes just so far and no farther. At 97 and an old world Italian man, he still believes his word is law in his house.
Other than that it was a good, I got to walk again.
Oh called my doctor about test results and got a message that the number was disconnected. I think their phone system may have been down. Will try again tomorrow.
Moonbeam I can so understand and sympathize. Today seems to be a good day for us. I walked this morning and had time with just me. Of course my mind went where I didn't want to to go. Trying to start writing again, just need an idea and will go from there.
Hugs for you my friend, and many thanks
My parents were the same way. They would not leave their house. Then they got to the point that they couldn't physically leave. That is when my brother had to put them in a home. My mom was so bad with Alzheimer's, she fought me on everything too. Dad tried to intervene, but he was too sick to do much good. He had the patience of Job with mom. Much more patience than I had. It was a sad situation.
Moonbeam thanks, there is no one here where we are and they won't leave. My family is all up north, this is my parents world and they don't want to or are afraid to leave it. My father says when he dies then I can take mother north. But the way things are going, I just don't know.
My sister has condescended to come once a year. To visit, I leave for a break. Maybe I'm being to hard on her as she does live in Spain. I'm just at a low point right now, missing family and friends. Dealing with my Mother's deteriorating mind is the hardest. Things were better before she had to start all the meds and the hospital stays. The hospital broke her mind this last time. All she does now is fight me on most everything. Daddy try's to help, but ends up losing his temper too. They are just old and having trouble adjusting to their loss of independence.
Something I won't have a problem with, as I've never really had any.
Don't let your parents get to you, Nonna. You know you are not ignorant. Try to get a breather, even if it is only going outside for a few moments. Are you ever able to get away for a little while? No one can do this caregiving 24/7. I hope you have some help. Feel free to contact me at anytime for online support.
Nonna, I went through this with my Mom and Dad before they went into assisted living. Mom had Alzheimer's really bad. She was a nightmare. Poor thing. She was in bad shape. I used to snap at her too. We would get into it. My poor dad was left in the middle. They both knew I loved them terribly though. We were family and all would be forgiven. Now I just miss them and remember the good times we had before Mom got mentally sick and Dad got physically sick with cancer. They both passed a few years ago. It was both a relief and not a relief at the same time. Nobody knows what this is like until they go through it themselves. It isn't pretty.
Well, my sister finally showed up to visit and stay with my parents. I took off for my son's house for some time and then went to my daughters. Rested I've now returned.
Mother is better physically, mentally is another story. One of my friends told me about Sharon Sala, I think that's her name on Facebook. She deals with her mother and calls her Little Mama. She tells funny stories that make me feel better. I think maybe I can find the humor in some of the situations that happen, but so far I just have the Italian restaurant story
We're at the table and I ask Mother what she wants to order. She tells me what do I usually get? Cheese Ravioli Mom. Ok that's what I want. We order and five minutes later.... What am I going to eat? Cheese Ravioli Mom............five minutes later........ What am I going to eat? Cheese Ravioli Mom. This went on until our plates arrived. Mom: What's this? Cheese ravioli Mom. The surprising thing out of all this was that she ate all but one, usually she eats only3 or 4.
Well now that she feels better, she moves rapidly around the house. Forgetting her crane or walker. She fell again while I was gone, so I have to watch her like a hawk. She doesn't like that and is giving me nasty looks. So here I go back, hoping the rest of this year goes better than the first 3 months.
Needing good thoughts and hugs
I know, the situation is getting worse for me. I think I'll have to confront things sooner than later.
It just gets to the point where you have to bring up assisted living. My mom had advanced alzheimers and nothing would please her. She was driving me crazy. For my own sanity, mom and dad had to go into a home. I couldn't bathe mom anymore. My back would go into spasms and then I had to go to the chiropractor (which at that time I could not afford). Poor dad had it worse than me. Mom started to get physically violent and hit him when he disagreed with her over things. We didn't know at the time he had a form of bone cancer. Believe me, he had the patience of the bibical Job. It isn't selfishness. It is doing what is best for them, even if they don't think so.
I woke to horrible dreams this morning, it made me feel like everything good about my life is being taken from me. I know that this is just a passing thing. A feeling of being overwhelmed, being out of control.
Out of control of my life, as if I was ever in control. Never have I been in control there has always been someone else there to make or help me make decisions. Even when I was a single mom I was not in control - doing what was best for the kids. Now I'm doing what is best for my parents; what they want. I feel like I'm not in control.
What is control? Everyone always wants to control things. I know I have to and want to trust that The Lord God knows what he is doing, but why am I tormented with bad dreams. I want to cry but can't. I want hugs, but none are freely given. I'm feeling alone in the crowd again; everyone supposedly understands. But no one truly offers help.
Lord I trust in you, lord I praise your name.
Thanks for sharing your story, Mica. My Dad has a heart condition and he just wants everything status quo. Good days far out weigh the bad at the moment. I know down the road I'll have to take those step, but as they need each other we'll just take it slow
I took care of my grandmother the last few years of her life and she lived with my mom and I. I took care of her because my mom worked a lot. My grandmother was horrible, she was a mean spiteful woman to the day she died, and it got to the point I had to put her in a home because mentally she was making my lupus worse. I couldn't feel guilty at all because she was unmanageable, the final straw was on a bad lupus day she decided she wanted a shower so I told her please wait for my mom or tomorrow when her bath lady came. She wouldn't have it, decided to do it her self and it made me so stressed and physically worn because she got her way to make me help.
Can you get caregivers, they will come into the home to help. That way it takes some of the stress off of you. It's like a step before assistant living.
Well, two nice days without an incident. I hope I haven't jinxed myself saying it. I'm feeling better emotionally, bad times only when Mom losses it. I'm having severe pain in my left shoulder elbow and wrist . Thought at first it was arthritis, because tests showed I have carpel tunnel in that wrist. Thinking that the elbow and shoulder pain are related. See Doc. On the twenty third. Had a brain fog moment and grabbed a right wrist brace instead of a left one. Gotta go back tomorrow and switch them out. I swam today and made it for 25 minutes before my wrist and hand exploded in horrid pain, being in the deep end I quickly got to swallow water and climbed out. The hot tub felt real good and I did another 15 minutes. I got to cook tonite, Mom helped. I went and got her so we could cook together. I think I did the right thing there. Well, my wrist is hurting again, more another time.