Oh my heart hurt reading this post and im sending you gentle hugs.Grieving is a very slow process,each person is different in how they react.You cry when you need too,keeping it in will just make you feel even sadder. What a loss! Hopefully one day,you will be able to try again,but you need to rest and yes stop spending.I know its your realease,but its only gonna give you stress you dont need.
You keep posting,ask us questions,just tell us how you feel...maybe in Lauri's lounge,as people dont look at blogs as often as the thread pages.We will all support you and help you through this.
You heart is breaking.I too wish you lived closer to your mum,but instead we'll all gather round you and try and comfort you.You are not alone!
lots of love Amanda.xxxxxxxxxxxxx