PDA

View Full Version : I have to lie to my husband.



debbie-b
04-27-2011, 04:11 AM
Let me explain.
My husband and I lived in Dallas TX, but because the heat was killing me, we decided to move to Rochester NY, where I have lived before in the early 80s.
When we lived in Dallas, I had no idea, that I had Lupus. But I did have asthma and had a hard time breathing with the high humitity, almost all year round.
Ten months out of the year, I would stay indoors, just work and home. The 4th of July celebration outside, I felt so bad, I passed out and it made me sick for two weeks straight. ( I am sure it was the Lupus already).
Well, we decided to move to NY. We love it here and my breathing is much better and we can enjoy the outdoors again. IF THE LUPUS LETS ME.
Well here is my problem. The payrate here in NY for our profession is MUCH lower than it was in Dallas. Our income was almost cut in half.
I am at a point, where I can't work much longer. But since the average time to get approved for disability, is about two years, I can't even consider it.
We could not live on my husbands salery alone.
He feels so guilty about this and has said many times, I am quoting him " what kind of man am i, if i can't even take care of my sick wife finacially".
Back in Dallas it would have not been an issue. After all he moved here because of me.
Moving back is not an option, he is 57 and I am 55, not much chance of finding a job.
So, to not make my husband feel so guilty all the time, I lie, when he asks me how I am feeling. Even though he knows when I am in pain, I down play it and say it's not too bad.
I just had to write this down, because I am in pain and frustrated and feel bad for my awesome husband. He is the best man any woman could have, but I feel like this danm disease is breaking him down too.
Thanks for reading all this.

Debbie

steve.b
04-27-2011, 06:08 AM
please let me explain a little about me.
my wife has several health issues also.
she cannot work, (we make a good pair) lol.

i was working in the mines in northern western australia. very hot often over 120F

when i had to tell my wife it was time for me to stop working.
it also meant telling her that we were going to go bankrupt.
she was going to loose everything we owned.
we had to sell her dreams. (that we were slowely aquiring.
we had to sell the horses she loved.
i would not be able to care for her financially.
we would go from over $160,000pa to less that $40,000.

it is never easy, but no more lies.
it is not worth it.
love will find a way.

tgal
04-27-2011, 06:38 AM
Oh Debbie I am so sorry for what you are going through! I have to agree with Steve though, lying is never the answer. He is your life partner and he has to know what is going on with you. It will be much harder on him down the road if he doesn't. It is also going to be harder on you as well. If you lie you are pushing your body more than you should which leads to more flares and simply feeling worse. Please think about trying to be more honest. I understand how difficult your situation is and I hope that you get to feeling better soon

debbie-b
04-27-2011, 08:26 AM
Thanks guys,

Please don't misunderstand, what I am saying. He knows I have alot of pain, it is hard to hide. But I do say, that it is not that bad, because I know that he feels so bad, that I have to work.
It is not his fault, he works hard every day and he takes good care of me. He cleans house, he goes shopping, he always fills my gas tank, after all he works 50+ hours a week.
It is not fair, that he should feel this guilty all the time.
That is why, I play it down and pretent that I am ok. But like I said before, he knows me to well, he knows when I am in pain. He tells me all the time to quit working and apply for disability.

Debbie

lacey50
04-27-2011, 11:08 AM
Debbie,

It sounds like your main concern is if you're having to stop working it will put more guilt on your husband. But the guilt you are putting on yourself for lying will get the best of you. I say sit down and really have a heart to heart talk, because this is really going to affect the both of you. You feel guilty if you have to stop working and he feels guilty and thinks he is less of a man because he can't provide for you. You are going to be facing major changes in your married life. We went through lots of changes, made several moves and had to make some major adjustments to meet our needs through out are marriage, but love always got us through.

I feel " little white lies" in a marriage are sometimes necessary, like not telling him how much you spent for that new outfit, lol.
But, this is major thing, adding more stress to yourself will only add more pain and put more guilt on him. Don't go through this without being honest with him.

I wish you the best,
Sue

debbie-b
04-27-2011, 01:29 PM
Debbie,

It sounds like your main concern is if you're having to stop working it will put more guilt on your husband. But the guilt you are putting on yourself for lying will get the best of you. I say sit down and really have a heart to heart talk, because this is really going to affect the both of you. You feel guilty if you have to stop working and he feels guilty and thinks he is less of a man because he can't provide for you. You are going to be facing major changes in your married life. We went through lots of changes, made several moves and had to make some major adjustments to meet our needs through out are marriage, but love always got us through.

I feel " little white lies" in a marriage are sometimes necessary, like not telling him how much you spent for that new outfit, lol.
But, this is major thing, adding more stress to yourself will only add more pain and put more guilt on him. Don't go through this without being honest with him.

I wish you the best,
Sue
Hi Sue,

I have no doubt, that our love will get us through this, that is not a question at all.
He is the one telling me to quit my job, because he can see how hard is getting for me.
And he knows when I am in pain, there is no way to hide it.
I just hate that a good man like my husband, the love of my life, has to feel guilty for not making enough money.
I don't feel guilty that I am sick and have to stop working, because I know it is not my fault.
We talk about everything, all the time, but when he asked me how I am feeling, I say ok.
I don't know if you guys understand what I am saying.

Debbie

kim,l
04-27-2011, 05:40 PM
dear debbie i am sorry what you are going through my husband was earning a great income until about 15 years ago when he got injured and could not work again he was put on disability so he found this very hard to adjust to he felt like he was letting me down as i was not working because i had disabled child he struggled with this for a long time but eventually he had to accept the situation like you i have a wonderful caring husband i have beeen his carer since then but when i got ill myself 4 years ago we had to make adjustments again but that is just the way life goes sometimes we have just learn,t that we have to go without some of the things we would of had. life throws us curve balls all the time neither you or your husband should feel guilty as you say he is the love of your life and he will understand i sometimes try to hide my pain from him or he does with me but we know each other to well so this is impossible he probably already knows debbie take care of yourself hugs to both you and your husband kim l

Nonna
04-28-2011, 06:23 AM
Speaking as one whose marriage was ended in part by my illness; I want you to know that you need to sit down at the kitchen table and lay out the paper work on your finances. Talk about this openly Debbie. No Lies or the guilty will destroy you both and end your marriage.

do you LOVE him? then you owe him the truth and as Steve said Love will find a way.

Please don't end up like me. I didn't know how to talk about it. I didn't even know why I felt the way I did. He called me LAZY and SPOILED. Learn from my mistakes. He loves you, don't let guilt destroy you both.

toni

Bonita
04-28-2011, 06:31 AM
I am so sorry that you are going through this but you seem like a strong couple and the Lord will work things out for you. I know as we get older i am 62 and my husband is 66 we are on a limited income because of both our health issues i really want to get a smaller house on one floor because of my joints and muscle problems but financially we cannot afford it. Our home is ours but prices have gone up so much and we would not be able to sell our house for the price of another and we cannot afford a morgage again. My husbands 401k plan will run out in two years he had to retire early and my retirement is small that leaves social security. But things will work out. Bonita

Linda From Australia
04-28-2011, 10:25 AM
Debbie this must be so hard for you. Life changes, decisions, disappointments are all difficult to deal with. You are basically dammed if you do, and dammed if you don't.

Nonna brought an important point though. Her Ex called her lazy and spoilt. I know you said your husband is fantastic and knows how much pain you are in. But what would happen if he continually asks you how you feel and you say you are fine. He already sees that you are having a difficult time, but as time goes on, he will start to wonder why you are not doing certain things even though you tell him that you are not as bad as he thinks. Eventually, there is a high possibility that he might have some doubts about how sick you really are. There may be a nagging feeling of maybe you are also lazy and spoilt, after all he does so much for you already. It doesn't matter how much you love each other and how much he loves you, if you put a seed of doubt in his mind, it may possibly grow if you keep watering that seed with untruth.

I really don't know how you feel or what you are going through, but you owe it to your husband to tell him that you are having a bad time and that you are angry because you are putting him though all this. Tell him that you are worse than you let on and that you don't tell him how you really feel all the time because you are sick of saying that you are sick, and that you want people to see you as Debbie, including your husband, and not to be viewed all of the time as sick Debbie.

debbie-b
04-28-2011, 01:11 PM
I want to thank all of you for your kind words.
We love each other and there is no risk that he would leave me. He would do anything for me and he does.
Like I said he also knows me very well and can tell when I am in pain, you guys know, there is no hiding it.
I am not really lying to him, I am just playing it down.
But all of you are right, I am not downplaying it anymore.
It just breaks my heart, to see him beating himself up over this.
We have a very good relationship and a very solid marriage.
So when he askes me the next time, I will say, " I hurt like hell".
You are right, there will be a way, we just have to find it( financially).
I would be mad at him, if he would keep this from me.
Thanks guys, I just needed a few more brains to see it for what it is. And it is what it is.

Debbie

steve.b
04-29-2011, 01:08 AM
your signature says it all.

I may have been dealt a bad hand, but at least I'm still playing with a full deck. ( most of the time anyway).

you may have to move to survive financially.
i did, and where we are now is better than where i was...but at 1/3 the rent.

life is a journey, travel it. dont stand still......just because.