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tgal
04-12-2011, 08:33 PM
I am not really sure why I am writing this but for some reason I felt the need. Maybe there is someone that will benefit from it and maybe not but here are my thoughts today.

I am a drug addict. OK, some of you will say "was" because I have been clean since I was 21 years old and I am going on 43. (I am sure this is the reason that I refuse to take pain meds no matter how much I hurt. The time is coming that I will have to give up on this rule of mine but so far I am able to suffer through it.) One of the most important things I learned in my many years of sobriety is that the only way to stay clean is to "get out of myself". Spending too much time focusing on my problems, my issues, will only lead me down paths I don't want to go. I am telling you this because this is also the greatest lesson for me in dealing with this disease.

"Getting out of myself" is one of the greatest rewards that I get from this site. Yes, it is here for me when I need to vent and I need help but that is only part of it. Being here and being a part of this group allows me to "get out of myself" and help others. It is so easy to get lost in this disease. It takes over every moment of every day. The pain, the exhaustion, the loss of so many things that made us who we were. It can be too much to handle mentally. Here I get to "get out of myself" from the comfort of my own home on the days I can't make myself get out.

What about the days I can get out or are on the brink? I think it is important for us to find someone in worse shape than we are so that we can be reminded that our life isn't over and that things could always be worse. Today I spent then evening with someone who is much worse than I am. I spent the evening with a young man that I admire more than anyone that I have ever met.

Let me back up a bit. I have been in bad shape the last few days. Honestly I have not felt good in several weeks. I went to the doctor last week and got a large shot of steroids which made me feel much better over the weekend. Things begin to go bad again Sunday night. Last night I fell asleep at 6PM and woke in time to go to bed at 10. I slept all night and woke this morning around 8AM. I got up and ate some cereal before returning to bed and sleeping until lunch time (I say lunch time and not lunch because I couldn't eat). I went back to bed about 1:30 and woke when my daughter came home about 4. I just feel so exhausted! I know ya'll understand!

When my daughter came home today I had to "get out of myself" because it is Dylan's Birthday! Dylan is the most remarkable young man. He turned 17 today and was so thankful to NOT be in the hospital on this birthday! Dylan was (and still is) the kid we all dream of having. His 10th grade year in High School he was, without question, on par to being the Valedictorian of his class (4.8 GPA. 4.0 is highest in regular classes and a 5.0 is highest in advanced classes). They called him "white lightning" because of his speed on the baseball field. He lived for school and baseball. Polite. Kind. Caring. Motivated.

Last year he had begun complaining about his eyes. They took him to the eye doctor and he got glasses. During a practice March a year ago Dylan got a headache and then passed out on the field. Within hours Dylan was diagnosed with brain cancer. Within a few weeks Dylan was diagnosed with 2 different types of cancer in his brain. This year they have found that the shunts in his head allowed the "bad" kind of cancer in his brain to spread into his stomach so now he is fighting it there. His life is not anything how he planned it. He isn't driving nor does he have his class ring. His life is spent at MD Anderson Cancer Center as much, if not more so, then at home but the most complaint you get from Dylan is "I'm tired".

Fast forward to today. Today is Dylan's 17th Birthday and if he could be awake to enjoy it after a week of really harsh chemo then so can I! Of course I will pick up the pizza and bring it to him because it is his BIRTHDAY and everyone should have what they want to eat on their birthday (on top of the fact that Dylan hasn't been eating much the last few rounds of chemo). I got up and got dressed. Went to the grocery store while we waiting on Dylan's brother to finish baseball practice(no need for them to come in and get him since we were going out there). Came home and put food in the fridge then picked up his pizza and headed out. I got "out of myself" tonight and although I am still very tired and I hurt, inside I am happy. The real kind of happy that only comes from pure joy and which, if I allow myself to wallow, I don't feel much of anymore.

So the reason for this long post is simply to wish each of you a moment to "get out of yourself" and feel the joy that often gets lost during our illness. I wish you the joy that my heart feels at this moment and each moment when I "get out of me" and into someone else


PS To Clarify- I do take NSAIDS just nothing stronger

adl011
04-12-2011, 08:47 PM
Wow, sometimes I think you're hiding in my head. I've been feeling really down today because my pain is so extremely bad right now that playing with my very active son hurts me so much. He's almost 8 months old, so he can't understand mommy is in pain and he jumps all the time when he's in my arms. This post for whatever reason really helped pick up my spirits. Thank you. :) I hope you can get some rest and start feeling a little better and a big, BIG, congratulations on the sobriety!

red246
04-12-2011, 09:33 PM
Sorry that you are not feeling so hot again. When I have my worst days, I try to remember my sister and what she went through. I know that if she could go parasailing while going through all that she went through, then I can deal w/this! Love you sweetie!

tgal
04-12-2011, 09:37 PM
OMG! I think I am having a heart attack! Red/Lauren actually posted in a thread! yay!!!! LOL

Love you too!

red246
04-12-2011, 09:51 PM
hahahaha, u such a funny lady!

Nonna
04-13-2011, 02:48 AM
Love ya both, you two are hysterical

rob
04-13-2011, 03:02 AM
hahahaha, u such a funny lady!

Ever see the movie Goodfellas?

"Whadda you mean funny! Funny how? You mean, like I'm a Clown? Like I'm here to amuse you? What funny!?!?"

Bonita
04-13-2011, 06:06 AM
I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling down and Dylan has been on my prayer list for awhile and he is in Gods hands. My oldest daughter got into drugs and alchol when she was a teenager and went through rehab and when she was older she had a hysterectomy and the only pain meds she woul allow herself was tylenol. I hope that you will not have to take anything you are afraid to take. Love Bonita

kim,l
04-13-2011, 06:24 AM
dear mari i am sorry you are having hard time and that you shared your past with us that is brave everything i learn about you my friend leaves me in awe of you i hope dylan is alright and that you only take what is comfortable for you. we focus so much on this disease and how we feel that sometimes we forget that there are worst things going on around us you have helped me remember that many hugs kim l

tgal
04-13-2011, 08:11 AM
LOL WOW that took me back!

tgal
04-13-2011, 08:19 AM
Hi Bonita,

It is not so much that I am scared to take it at times I just don't want it to be "normal" for me. I learned to have a high tolerance to pain and when I had my hysterectomy I never took anything once I left the hospital. When I went back or my 6 weeks visit the doctor said " Does this hurt" (as he did something down there" and I said "no". He raised his head and said "Mari, that HAS to hurt". I learned to not recognise it.

Sadly I recoconize it with this. There is no "it doesn't hurt" with this stupid disease. I don't really think that I would have an addiction propblem with it but who knows. I am able to get addicted to almost anything and it worries me. Part of me would LOVE to have pain pills and I spoke to my doctor about it at the last visit. I reminded him that I want to try to do this without them. He nodded and smiled then just reminded me that they are there when I need them. I think what I would rather have is some awake pills! I am sooooo tired! LOL

Bonita
04-13-2011, 12:39 PM
I pray that you remain strong and that you will never have to take anything that harm you even more this diease is enough to deal with every day of our lives. Sorry if i made you feel bad that was not my intention. Bonita

tgal
04-13-2011, 01:40 PM
I pray that you remain strong and that you will never have to take anything that harm you even more this diease is enough to deal with every day of our lives. Sorry if i made you feel bad that was not my intention. Bonita

Oh Honey you didn't at all! I was simply clarifying the point. I have used pain meds in the ER but not on a daily basis. I really am comfortable with who I am on the drug issue so that doesn't bother me! I knew you meant it in a caring way. No worries!