View Full Version : Compassion

03-20-2011, 01:58 PM
This is a mild vent, but here's the right place to do it I guess. I love my son. I love him as much as a mother can but I have definitely spoiled him over the years. Today we were going to meet my folks for lunch but since March Madness is on (basketball tournament), my mom asked to reschedule. That was just fine with me. If I can skip a shower/makeup day, I'm totally okay with that!

Well, about an hour ago my son comes storming upstairs, furious because I'm not hopping up to entertain him since my folks aren't taking us out to lunch. He gets the bratty tone in his voice and tells me I always let him down now and just because my parents aren't meeting us doesn't mean I shouldn't go out and do something with him. Then I got yelled at because I didn't pick up his favorite groceries when we (emphasis on WE) were at the grocery store last night.

I didn't go off on him, though heaven knows I wanted to. And yes, the spoon theory applies here but wouldn't sink into a 16 year old's mind. I think it may be time to really sit him down and explain to him how I feel sometimes. How sometimes my feet hurt so bad that standing is a last ditch option. That it takes me just as long to stop sweating after I blow my hair dry as it does to go through the process in the first place. That there are times that my body feels like I'm wearing a 20lb jump suit all the time and today is one of those days.

I won't stay mad at him but I am done trying to put on the "brave face" every mom is supposed to wear (or dad) just because we're the grown ups. If he wants to pout, whatever. There's lots of food, he won't starve and today I'm going to be particularly lazy just because!! We have a week of Spring break ahead so hopefully he'll find out that you get lots more with honey than spiteful words!

03-20-2011, 02:08 PM
Sounds like you have a typical teenage son. But he has to realize that you have and illness and some days are not so good and you have to take care of yourself first and you are right he will not starve and i think he knows you love him but maybe your illness scares him and he will not admitt to that. Just love him anyway and take care. Love Bonita

03-20-2011, 02:58 PM
When I was diagnosed my children were already grown and on their own, so I can't tell you how they would have acted when they were younger.
But let me tell you all three of my kids react differently to my disease. My oldest daughter will call and ask how I am, but doesn't really want to hear details, not because she doesn't care, but because she is scared for me, she is 33.
My younger daughter wants to now how I feel, what the rheumy said and how my MTX shots are working, how my last bloodtest turned out, ect. she is 31.
My son gets angry and curses the damn Lupus sh** and tells me how sorry he is that I have to go through this, he 26.
So you can see, three children, three different reactions, even though all three of them love me the same.
Your son is a teenager, who has alot on to deal with, just by being a teenager.
I am sure if you do sit down with him to talk, you will find out that he does have compassion for his mom, but can't always express it. You know that he loves you, don't you?


03-20-2011, 04:55 PM
hi serand,

i totally agree with debbie and bonita, but i do want to add something for you just to keep in mind. I was the single mother of 3, all are grown, and my two older girls are off and doing their own thing. Both are very active in my medical situation. My son, who is 30 is still trying to figure out what he wants to do when he grows up.

as a teenager, i could not keep him in school, so had to send him off to a boarding school. his senior year, he convinced me to let him come home with the promise of finishing school...well, at the end of the year, i found out that he had not gone to school for the last 6 weeks of his senior year....he did not graduate...he had all kinds of reasons, and most of them were my fault, and that i did not do enough to support him, etc.

unfortunately this type of behavior has continued, but has gotten much better in the last few years. in total dispair, i went to a psychologist, and it only took one visit for me to get it....this is what he told me, and i live by it, and it works for me. he said "you will never be able to do enough for ---, in his mind. therefore, you do what makes you feel ok about what you do for him, and don't try to live up to his expectations." I remind myself of this whenever my son starts telling me why he is "entitled" to more than what i am willing to give.

sorry, i certainly don't mean to be negative. my son loves me very much, and even lives here and helps me with everyday responsibilities around here. he is here if i need help, etc....however, sometimes he stills feels the need to tell me how much i "don't" do for him....that is when i have to go to my happy place and remind myself to live up to my expectations.

i know you son loves you, i am just letting you know that it is ok for you to have your limits too.

03-20-2011, 09:04 PM
My son (only child) is 40 and still acts like that. One of these days when I'm able I'll talk about it but it's just too painful right now. I know how you feel and I hope your son grows out of it like many do.

03-20-2011, 09:18 PM
I agree with what the others have said - he's being a typical teenager. All of mine were different, too. Jeff said that whoever decided that 13 is an unlucky number had a daughter! The hormone fairy would hit at about 13, and the girls became nearly impossible to deal with. Tom waited until 16 before he got that way. You just have to be consistent with them, love them and wait it out. We found that sometime around the age of 21, they came to their senses and started having adult relationships with us.

It's really funny - the one who screamed at me "I hate you, Mom and don't ever want to be like you!" is now the most like me and the one that I talk to nearly every day. As soon as she was pregnant, she came seeking Mom's advice, She's been a pre-school teacher, is now studying nursing and is a loving, sweet person. She's a wonderful Mom and I smile a lot because her son is putting her through many of the problems that she gave us already!

Hang in there and use my hubby's favorite saying - This too shall pass!

03-21-2011, 12:44 AM
The others are all right, every chil is different. Marla's Jeff's saying is great........ And this too shall pass. That's something we should all remember

03-21-2011, 06:56 PM
Thank you and I absolutely know you're right. Yes, he loves me very much and is very scared so I'm cautious about what I share. I did end up sitting him down and talking to him about how Lupus felt at times and how it made me feel when he reacted the way he did. I'm not someone who yells and I am very willing to field questions but I reminded him that he's not 12, he's nearly 17 and can certainly help take care of himself. I also reminded him that I'm working very hard to find new ways to deal with this challenging disease so that we can have a life again. My mother has her way of dealing with it as does my father -- it's such a mystery but at the same time it definitely shows up on your face when you're not feeling well! We had a better day today, very active and tomorrow I will rest. Yes, this too shall pass! Thanks again!