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kim,l
03-18-2011, 02:18 PM
hi everbody just needing to vent feel like i am in pressure cooker ready to boil over mikaela was staying with sarah at her place last night and sarah took another seizure mikaela as tiny framed as she is picked her sister off the bed placed her on the floor turned her on her side cleared her airways and called paramedics while we where on our way she stayed on the phone with them till we got there i am so proud of her and ina nother way so sad i ask to how she knew what to do and she toldme she spends her lunch hours at school studying different medical procedures to do with all our illnesses upsets me greatly knowing my daughter feels she has to do this. still trying to find out why she is having seizures. i am so tired have been running around to specialist for a month now hardly any sleep did not get home till after midnight last night my nerves are shot to pieces can not stop shaking pain in joints so severe have been walking floor then had stomach pain so severe am vomiting have hot water bottle on me now i feel like i am in this big black hole and cannot get outbelieve i am heading for nervous breakdown my lupus has flared up so bad that there is not a part of me that is not sick there is no fight left in me just want some peace part of me wishes i could go to sleep and never wake up but that is how deep the depression has become i know this is selfish but i just want peace and quiet. you have always been good to listen to me and i am so greatful to you all thankyou for being my friend hugs kim l

ruziska
03-18-2011, 02:53 PM
Much love and many, many hugs to you.

lacey50
03-18-2011, 03:12 PM
Kim,

I'm so sorry things are crashing down on you. I know it's easier said than done, but try to take some deep breathes and find a place in the house that is quiet. I know there are times in our lifes when it seems as though everything and everyone is placing demands on us until we feel like we can't take anymore. You must right now try to put yourself first, if possible, and get some rest. My heart goes out to you. Remember, when you need some one to listen to you or to vent at, come here..I've only been on this forum a few days and already I can tell people here truly care about each other. I don't know you but I care about you, so HANG in there.
Lot's of gentle ((((((HUGS)))))

magistramarla
03-18-2011, 09:12 PM
Kim,
I'm so proud of Mikaela! Sweet child, this shows that she cares deeply for her family and is doing what she can to help. She did a wonderful job, and was a very brave and intelligent young lady in that emergency. Please tell her that for me.
Lacey is right - take some time for yourself and take care of yourself.
Keep us informed about what they find out about Sarah.
Love and Hugs,
Marla

steve.b
03-18-2011, 11:38 PM
Mikaela is a special girl.

it is scarey when they need to take the lead, like this.

please give her a hug from me.

then ask her to give you a hug.

i wish i could help - i am here to listen.

please rest a little - it is not easy, but rest.

kim,l
03-19-2011, 02:05 AM
thankyou all for your kind comments sorry i am on such a downer right now it has just been a very tiring and scary few weeks not knowing why sarah is having seizures and feeling guilty because i let mikaela stay with sarah and she went through this on the other hand confused because it was a good thing she was there for sarah and i am so frightened when she does go back to her apartment who will be there for her then my mind is just racing with what ifs i know some of you suffer with seizures and mikaela is epileptic but i have always been there for her seizures how does someone like sarah cope if she is alone the mother in me wants to keep her with me but she is an adult i just do not know how to seperate my fears as her mother and her rights to lead normal life. my daughter mikaela is special in so many ways a lot of you know mikaela has aspergers and intellectual impairment but her memory is good so when she studied how to deal with this she new. for that i am a very proud mum. sometimes guys i just get overwhelmed with everything going with the sickness in my family and i get tired from having to care for everyone don,t get me wrong i love my family with every breath i take but i am so fatigued i can,t think straight and sometimes it is just so hard to get up in the morning to face another day of stress and pain and this wave of deep depression hits and i am that way now. everyone tells me you have to reduce stress because this why you are constanly in lupus flare but i just do not know how to achieve this there is never a time when i am not stressed it is 24 hours a day . valium helps but only for a little while you are all so wonderful to me but sometimes i just wonder what i did to deserve this everyday most of you probably feel the same way i am sorry if i sound selfish i am probably a lot better off than lots of you please excuse my pity party hugs to all of you my friends kim l

Nonna
03-19-2011, 03:59 AM
Kim sweetheart, I wish I could be there to help you. Be proud of Mikaela, it shows how much she cares and how much of you there is in her. It shows what a great job you've done in raising her. I've been where you are emotionally and I can only say......... Hope springs eternal, never give in, never give up, it will get better.......... BELIEF TRUST and HOPE that's all we can do.

Take a hot soak if you can manage the tub, light some candles with soft music and a nice scent and float away from your care for awhile.

hugs, hugs and more hugs
toni

lovehubby
03-20-2011, 07:41 AM
Sometimes when all seems wrong and we think we can't take anymore something good happens to make us see that all is going to be ok. It might sound corny but that is how I think. We never know from day to day what is going to happen to any of us. But I do know that positive thinking goes a long ways. it is not always easy to think positive but try hard to stay up beat. I know from my own experience that being negative hurts emotionlly and physically. Try to be strong and I hope this helps.
Michele

lacey50
03-20-2011, 01:58 PM
Kim,
Don't feel guilty for venting. We all need to share our good times and the bad stressed out times. We all understand and have been there. We always want to keep our kids safe and well in our arms, but then there comes a time when they are grown and we must let them go. But, we never stop wanting them in our caring arrms , that's the parent in us. Try not to be so hard on yourself, realize you are doing your best especially sonsidering your health issues. Please take care of YOU, remember you can not take care of others if you first don't take care of yourself. I don't know your beliefs, but if you believe in a higher power (GOD) give this all up to HIM, HE will give you the strength you need.
(((((HUGS))))))
Sue

mountaindreamer
03-20-2011, 05:18 PM
hi sweet lady,

oh, you just keep getting pushed and pushed. but, you know what, nonna is correct...mikaela's perfect treatment of her sister's seizure and her self-motivated studying to learn how to care for you all, is an example of your mothering....and that, my friend, is why you are here. you have taught your girls how to love and care for the ones that they love....you do have a purpose, and you are doing an excellent job.

i don't know why all of the dark clouds just keep hammering you with tunder storms. all i can do is continue to send hugs your way, and tell you that we are here whenever it all gets too much for you.

my love to you, my little aussie friend.

kim,l
03-20-2011, 08:30 PM
thankyou all for your support and kind words i am so glad to have you all it does help to talk, thankyou phyllis i love you to you have been a good friend over the past few years i hope you are feeling aLRIGHT HUGS KIM L

SandyR
03-21-2011, 08:52 AM
I think it sounds like a good thing you had Mikaela staying with Sarah. It maybe was even a little mother's intuition on your part. Who else would have been there to help Sarah with such a quick reaction and have known exactly what to do and who to call? I know it isn't fair to Mikaela that she even had to feel that she should know this, but she's right - she should know what to do in a medical emergency and clearly she's proven she's quite capable of handling this situation. You've done a great job with your girls Kim. It shows in how fast Mikaela was to respond.
I think it's also pretty normal to want a little peace and quiet right now. But please, please promise me that you will keep coming here to talk the depression away. I think you said you were on antidepressants, no? If so, perhaps you should talk to the doc about altering the script. You're so obviously overstressed right now and I know I would be depressed with that stress too so I think you should ask for some help for yourself. I've been in a situation where I was depressed and stressed and had to talk to the doctors about it to get some help and you know I'm not a big drug pusher, but there's a time and a place when your body needs a little more help than you can give it and that time and place might be here now. (((HUGS)))

kim,l
03-21-2011, 05:56 PM
thankyou sandy yes i think the time has come for anti depressant do not like how i have been feeling lately just have this sinking feeling and cannot get out of it so i will talk to doctor hugs my friend hope you are feeling okay today luv kim l

Colleenc
03-21-2011, 09:30 PM
Every family needs a Mikaela in it!!!! Well at least ones like yours and mine who have family memebers having seizures and syncopes.

Hang in there, your in my thougths....

Colleen ((Hugs))

SandyR
03-22-2011, 07:44 AM
thankyou sandy yes i think the time has come for anti depressant do not like how i have been feeling lately just have this sinking feeling and cannot get out of it so i will talk to doctor hugs my friend hope you are feeling okay today luv kim l

I'm ok - just fighting my allergies atm. Thank you for asking. In the midst of all you are dealing with you still manage to ask about others. (((hugs))) I'm so happy to read that you are going to ask your doctor for help. It takes a lot of courage but I promise you won't regret it.