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View Full Version : Didn't make it to work today...



bunny28
03-09-2011, 11:47 AM
and I still can't let go of the guilt.

I know that having a diagnosis means that this isn't in my head and that I have to listen to my body when it is screaming at me...So I called in sick but I hate not being able to "push through it"

There is no real point to my venting, I understand that I am in much better shape than so many other posters here and I feel bad complaining...but this is one "safe" place (I hope) to vent these feelings.

Yesterday I worked through the day and was hit with a severe headache on the way home. As a result, I had to lean on my husband to help with supper, taking care of our little guy, etc, etc, while I tried to be present physically but was really lying on the couch, just wanting the pain to stop.

Last night I went to bed early, hoping that this headache would go away. Instead it woke me up hourly all night long and even the smallest household sound was extremely painful. I felt all night like there was a stake through my head. I got up (once finally asleep, when of course my toddler came in to wake me!), and showered and decided I would go to work. The stake had been replaced by something squishing my head in a vice grip...but I wasn't really able to stay upright for more than a couple of minutes. So I called in. They know my situation and my boss has an auto-immune problem so they are good about it...BUT the problem is me. I was raised to fulflll my responsibilities. I was taught to push through...which is exactly the opposite to the advice I have been given now. I want to listen to this message from my body but I feel guilty about missing work. How stupid is that!

I want to know how to get passed that. I have been tired for weeks. I have had a pretty good week despite rashes, etc...but then this. I know logically that I need to slow down...but I want to be able to do it all.

Also, I slept this morning and will again this afternoon. My meds have finally made the headache a dull ache so that's why I am online (restless!)....but I am afraid that when my son comes home, I am going to be useless again. I am lucky to have a husband who helps but I am afraid to keep leaning on him. I am afraid he will get sick of having to do it all himself. I try to help but sometimes feel very useless. He assures me I am not...blech...I hate this part of all of this.

I just want to be an active participant in my own life again.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Bunny

bunny28
03-09-2011, 12:08 PM
I just want to clarify that I don't think anyone else should feel guilty for "not being able to push through it". Honestly, I would be first to tell all of you to take care of yourself first. Most workplaces handle an individuals' absence no problem and really in the end don't care a lick about you...at least not like your family. You, your life your family are what is important. My "problem" is that I can't allow myself the same treatment. Somehow I feel like I am failing. I need to do more, to be more. I want to learn to let that feeling go.

I hope I haven't offended anyone with my rambling as that was absolutely not my intent.

tgal
03-09-2011, 12:57 PM
UGGGS I hit the wrong button after having written a really long post and it is gone!

Hi Bunny! First off you should NEVER feel guilty about posting what is going on with you. You are correct, we are all different and this disease hits us differently, that doesn't mean that one is worse than the other. Any form of this disease turns our lives upside down. It changes how we live our daily life and therefore it is hard to deal with. No guilt allowed! :)

This is going to sound bad but I learned, not only from my experience but from others on this board : Take care of you because in the end the company only cares about the bottom line. I was like you and went in no matter how sick I was or, when I had to take off, I felt so guilty! I would think about all the things that I should be doing at the office and had such a strong loyalty to them. I guess somewhere I thought it ran both ways. When I became really ill and had to take leave, I learned differently. The loyalty is one sided and when I couldn't make them money things happened that completely shocked me.

The reason for that long story is that I want you to take care of you. Worry about you, your family, your animals all of the things that really matter but don't don't worry about the job. Do your best but remember the loyalty most likely won't go both ways. Take a deep breath, lean back and get some rest. Leave the stress at the job because I can tell you that right now (other than a few friends) the big wigs are not sitting around worrying about you

Bonita
03-09-2011, 01:15 PM
We have to take care of ourselves first so we will be there for the ones that depend on us, Take care of yourself and i hope you are feeling better soon. Bonita

bunny28
03-09-2011, 02:16 PM
The reason for that long story is that I want you to take care of you. Worry about you, your family, your animals all of the things that really matter but don't don't worry about the job. Do your best but remember the loyalty most likely won't go both ways. Take a deep breath, lean back and get some rest. Leave the stress at the job because I can tell you that right now (other than a few friends) the big wigs are not sitting around worrying about you

You are so very right. I really thought I had learned the lesson once before that I was replaceable...we all are. I am feeling a bit better and now trying to look at it like because I was home today, I may have energy to spend some quality time with my son tonight, playing with him, not just watching.

Thanks again for all of your support! I also wanted to say that I am so sorry that you have had so many hardships. You remain so supportive and helpful. I admire your strength.

SandyR
03-09-2011, 02:20 PM
You could have ripped the words "I just want to be an active participant in my own life again...I can't allow myself the same treatment. Somehow I feel like I am failing. I need to do more, to be more" out of my mouth.

It's easier to tell someone else not to feel guilty and that if you need time off, take time off - that's what it's for than it is to follow the advice of your own voice. You already know that you need to "listen to this message from (your) body" because you really need to "take care of yourself first...You, your life your family are what is important". I know you know that because I just copied and pasted your words back into this message.

You have a lot of guilt about listening to this advice from yourself but I think you are right in "learn(ing) to let that feeling go". You are also right that "this is one safe place to vent these feelings... it's ok to lean on (your) husband to help with supper, taking care of (y)our little guy, etc, etc" at times like these. I'm pretty sure your vows said something to the effect of being there in sickness and health so this is just a part of the deal.

(((HUGS))) I hope you feel better soon. Rest. Relax. Refresh your body.

bunny28
03-09-2011, 02:24 PM
Sandy - You brought me to tears. Thank you.

SandyR
03-09-2011, 02:28 PM
Why do people always thank me for making them cry on this site? LOL. Seriously though - they were your words. You already had the answers within you the whole time. (((hugs)))

tgal
03-09-2011, 02:39 PM
Those were wonderful words, Sandy! You are just so kind

craftkeeper
03-09-2011, 05:23 PM
I was reading your post Bunny28 and i thought of what an old doctor told me years ago. He diagnosed me with the "Superwoman syndrom". Called me the queen of multitaskers and advised me that one day it would take me down. But alas i am a caregiver. I feel obligated to counsel,caregive,pet,wait on and be of service to any that need me. I am Wife,Mother,Grandmother,nurse and friend. Now i am sick and know i must stop.. A friend told me the Bible says to "not sweat the small stuff" and i laughed. But then i got to thinking, it does say to not think about tomorrow for tomorrow will take care of itself. I know it's really hard to do, when your used to doing it all, But i'm trying to not sweat the small stuff and let some of these people pick up the slack here and there.. I hope you start feeling better and have a wonderful night with your family.

Hugs
Sheila

Han
03-09-2011, 05:35 PM
Good luck. I know I have a lot of habitual thought processes that need constant reminding about new behaviours/ways of thinking. If I forget to reinforce my new thought patterns for a couple of days I get right back into the old ways of thinking. And lean on your man - he's tough!

mountaindreamer
03-09-2011, 08:14 PM
hi bunny,

first, let me thank sandy for making me laugh out loud...."why do peope always thank me for making them cry...." love it, sandy, you are too cute.


bunny,

when we refer to learning to live with lupus, it not only means learning how to deal with and minimize the pain, it does not only mean having to learn different ways to accomplish responsibilities, it does not mean only having to learn how to take care of our bodies.....it also means having to learn how to live with the reality that we just can't physically do what we used to do....I try to take the attitude of being thankful that there was a time in my life when i could work and play almost 24 hours a day. I once owned a persona fitness training business, i was in the gym for up to 10 hours a day...then lupus hit, and now i work maybe 2 or 3 days a week and have not stepped into a gym in 15 years...this was so tough, but it is part of learning how to live with lupus.

i wish i could tell you how to get past these feelings of guilt, but i can't, cause i still struggle with them sometimes myself. We have to be careful though, because this feeling of guilt can lead us further down the road toward depression and stress, and then we go into a vicious circle.

i do know that if you will take the day off and give your body a rest, you will be able to enjoy your time with your baby and your husband....and that is the most important time....if your office is understanding, then try to shrug off the guilty feelings. If you get some rest, then you will be able to be more productive when at work.

and, yes, you are so correct....this is the place to let out your feelings, fears, and anger...we are here for each other.

mountaindreamer
03-09-2011, 08:18 PM
hey mari,

i thought i was the only one who had posts that went poof and disappeared into cyber space somewhere....makes me feel better. lol

debbie-b
03-10-2011, 05:44 AM
Hi bunny,

After reading your post, I thought this could be my post.
I am the same way, I have called in sick a few weeks ago, the first time in five years.
All my life I have been reliable and punctual, so calling in was torture for me. First of all I felt guilty to let my coworkers down, I had to admit to myself, that I can't push through it anymore, plus I had to think about my future working life. How much longer can I do it?
I was dx when I was 51, that means all my children are grown and not living at home anymore.
I can't imagine how to live with this disease, when you have small children to take care of.
I felt guilty yesterday, tuesday is my MTX day, so I was out of it yesterday, but my husband cleaned house, including the bathrooms, all I could do was sit here and watch him. Talk about feeling worthless.
We need to try not to push ourself anymore, we have to admit, that we can't push through it sometimes. Because if we do, we just hurt more.

Debbie

bunny28
03-10-2011, 10:43 AM
Thanks everyone! I have to tell you that I played play-dough with my monkey when he got home, I cooked supper and even helped bathe and put him to bed. I never get to do that sort of stuff after a day at work as I am too tired. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I still need to learn to live with the changes this disease means in my life.

As for work; I am in a unionized job with a protected number of sick days (cummulative) so I can take a day when I need it. Historically, I rarely did. The transition to saying "I just can't do it today" and calling in is hard but it seems necessary. Tomorrow after work, we are on holidays so I guess part of me thought I should be bale to make it until then...but by taking the day off I learned that my quality time with my son and even my husband was so much better. It is so valuable to me...and I feel like it usually slides first. I NEED to change that. Thanks for the support.

SandyR
03-10-2011, 10:46 AM
Thanks everyone! I have to tell you that I played play-dough with my monkey when he got home, I cooked supper and even helped bathe and put him to bed. I never get to do that sort of stuff after a day at work as I am too tired. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I still need to learn to live with the changes this disease means in my life.

As for work; I am in a unionized job with a protected number of sick days (cummulative) so I can take a day when I need it. Historically, I rarely did. The transition to saying "I just can't do it today" and calling in is hard but it seems necessary. Tomorrow after work, we are on holidays so I guess part of me thought I should be bale to make it until then...but by taking the day off I learned that my quality time with my son and even my husband was so much better. It is so valuable to me...and I feel like it usually slides first. I NEED to change that. Thanks for the support.

Good for you! I'm glad to hear you had good QUALITY time with your family. That is so important not just to you but to them as well. And play doh is so much fun!

tgal
03-10-2011, 10:53 AM
I am so very happy for you! I know it is hard but you gained so much by thinking of yourself! Enjoy the next couple of days! You have earned it

mountaindreamer
03-10-2011, 09:55 PM
congrats bunny,

you are doing a wonderful job. keep being good to yourself, you deserve it.

steve.b
03-11-2011, 05:52 AM
hi bunny, steve from perth australia. quality time with the family is more important that a job. I needed to go on the pension. trust me, quality time is much more important than a job.

enjoy the little breaks when they come. your energy level, and abilities will change dramatically day to day. sometimes you need to take a break to recharge. that is when you know .... quality time with the family is more important than a job.


yes in believe ............. quality time with the family is more important than a job.

my wife and i found a way to pay the bills. my family is so important to me. we all need there support. play with them when you can.