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porchy
02-28-2011, 12:14 AM
Hello all....just wanted to drop in and say hi....I am still breathing, but have been struggling with many issues, all related to my health.

I have still not yet been diagnosed with lupus, but have been considered "borderline" lupus for nearly 30 years. I have fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis, high blood pressure, severe & chronic foot pain, eye & vision problems, diabetes, anxiety, depression, sleep apnea, endometriosis and more. I am 55 years old. I am married to a wonderful, supportive & loving man. But I feel more and more overwhelmed with all the health problems as I get older.

I am finding that my anger is getting out of control. I cannot seem to stop being angry. It is affecting all aspects of my life and when I get angry, my blood pressure soars, and then the rest of my body reacts and I feel worse than ever. So I thought I would come back here and see if anyone else has similar problems with anger due to poor health.

I am my father's daughter.....he had an explosive temper, along with very bad cardiovascular issues that ultimately killed him at age 58. He had a massive stroke during carotid artery surgery when he was 57, lived in a vegetative state for a year before he died. The legacy of cardiovascular problems has been passed to me, and I have many risk factors for a shortened life span just like dear old dad.

I am facing possible eye surgery due to glaucoma, which was only recently diagnosed. I have huge floaters, my doc said they were the largest he has ever seen....they compromise my vision significantly. I am an avid reader, an antique dealer, and a highly "visual" person. I am incredibly angry that after all that I have been through with my chronic pain and other health issues, that now, my vision has been affected and threatened....and even these things that I love the most, that have taken the place of other, normal activities that I have been unable to participate in....well, now my vision is failing. I feel like I have been slowly stripped of everything that gives me pleasure over the course of 30 years. And yes, I am angry.

I hope that it is acceptable for me to bear my soul here. I know alot of what I deal with is not necessarily lupus-related. I have always believed that I have lupus. My blood work always comes back with elevated inflammation, and also high rheumatoid factor. I have so many of the symptoms of lupus, I even have the butterfly rash that comes & goes... but the docs have told me that my blood work is just not "quite there".

I feel the need to reach out for help. I do not like the person I have become. Many people do not realize I have anger issues. The people closest to me do. It's easy to hide your faults from your internet friends. But I am to the point where I need to open myself up to people I can trust. I remember from when I was here before that you all are very compassionate, very caring, gentle, tactful and honest. I really don't know what I am asking for....I guess I just need to know that I am not the only one that is struggling with anger. I am not a stoic, quietly strong & admirable person who bears her illness without a word of complaint. If I feel like crap, I don't hide it. I really don't want sympathy, I just want someone to care and to walk beside me and understand. That is what I am hoping for as I share my inner feelings here.

The past 30 years have been very, very hard. Now that I am aging, things are getting harder. More health problems are arising. I thought I had reached my limit years ago....yet more continues to surface. I can't do it alone. I hope you guys can help me cope.

Thankfully, one other thing I inherited from dad was his wonderful sense of humor. When I feel like I'm going to lose it, I turn to humor. I do love to laugh at the absurdity of life. Hopefully, if it's okay, I may share some silly, sarcastic, and just plain funny stuff.....I think laughter is the best medicine....and I love to make others laugh too. (so my posts won't all be doom & gloom)

Thanks for listening, and for being here. Maybe we can help each other. xoxo

Nonna
02-28-2011, 02:11 AM
Hi, wow, reading this is like reading a lot of my own life. I posted pretty much the same Sunday morning over in Laura's section. I've been dealing with this for 40 years plus and finally dianosed just over a year ago. I'm also an avid reader with tons of floaters in both my eyes. I'm sure your eye doctor explained the reason behind them to you. My one also has a cloud of blood due to a hemorage. I also has Hashimoto's disease and have lost my thyroid, parathyroids, ovaries and my uterus. I suffer from almost constant UTIs. Any cold I get turns to bronchitis or pneumonia. I could go on and on telling you all the wrong things in my Life.
But I want the both of us to focus on the good. I may have lost in my marriage; but I have 2 wonderful children and 5 grandchildren. I may have to work, but I am able to live with my daughter and help them with their expenses. I am a singer that can not sing at the moment but hopefully will again. I AM a reader with the possibility of lost eyesight looming in the future.(i'M collecting audio books). Benefit there- listening to. Them helps deal with Atlanta traffic)

anyway I want to welcome you back and obviously YOU are not alone in this.

porchy
02-28-2011, 10:58 AM
Nonna......we must be twins separated at birth. I forgot to add that I also had Graves hyperthyroidism in my 20's and lost my thyroid as well. They zapped it with radioactive iodine and it dissolved into nothing....so now I take synthetic thyroid hormone daily.

One positive thing is that I've lost 41 pounds so far on my new diabetes diet ~ which is astounding considering the thyroid issue. It is usually nearly impossible to lose weight once your natural metabolism is gone, so I never dreamed in a million years I could ever lose weight. That makes me ecstatic!! So yes, there are positives in the midst of all this. Thanks for your response and I appreciate your support. xoxo

tgal
02-28-2011, 11:38 AM
"I hope I am allowed to post this here".. Of COURSE YOU ARE! A diagnosis of Lupus or borderline Lupus, or AI disease of another kind or just being sick and tired of being sick and tired! All are welcome. Your post says so much of what many of us feel and we are thankful that you were kind enough to put it into words. I can't speak for anyone else but this forum allows me to "get out of myself" and think of others. It is so easy for me to feel sorry for myself so I am thankful that you, and others, post so I can try to "pay it forward" and not wallow in my own self pity.

I am sorry for all that you are going through all of this. I know it is so frustrating. Never forget that we are all here for you if you need a place to vent or a shoulder to cry on. We are also here whenever you want to share good news as well! LOL We don't discriminate on the kind of news that we will accept

debbie-b
02-28-2011, 12:23 PM
Porchy,

I can understand that you get angry, not having a diagnosis is frutrating, to say the least.
Just go ahead and vent, cry, scream, curse(s... ) and through a tantrum if it makes you feel better.
I know it helps me.lol

Debbie

GoodDog
02-28-2011, 12:57 PM
Can I join your club? I've had AIs for 22 years and the last 2 years have been the worst - everything is falling apart and I'm tired, very tired. I'm 60 and feel like I can't look forward to anything more in life, which bites! I have a friend out of state that calls me every few days just to make me laugh. She has a way of looking at life that is not only right on but hilarious and it always amazes me how much better I feel after talking to her.

porchy
02-28-2011, 05:24 PM
Thank you Debbie, GoodDog....thank you for giving me permission to vent here without guilt or self-recrimination. (Without feeling like all I'm doing is wallowing in self pity. haha) I try so hard to stay positive. I appreciate your kind welcome. I promise to try hard not to just come here to dump my excess negativity. But because I am rather isolated here (I don't get out much), I might need to spew from time to time. Maybe I will blog some. I would love to share some jokes and funny stuff too. I'll be around. Thanks again. xoxo

porchy
02-28-2011, 05:43 PM
Thank you Mari....I look forward to participating.

Nonna
02-28-2011, 06:35 PM
We laugh at ourselves on a thread in lauri's lounge called............... Well it's something to do with You might be....... you might have brain fog......... anyway it's something to do with jeff Foxworthy's redneck thang. "you might have brain fog if....... Dang if I can remember.. just look for it; it's funny the things we do........

we can also start a club Gooddog......... How about the over the hill Lupies, uhhhh the Lupie ladies of the............


nonna as in coherent as ever

debbie-b
02-28-2011, 08:03 PM
We laugh at ourselves on a thread in lauri's lounge called............... Well it's something to do with You might be....... you might have brain fog......... anyway it's something to do with jeff Foxworthy's redneck thang. "you might have brain fog if....... Dang if I can remember.. just look for it; it's funny the things we do........

we can also start a club Gooddog......... How about the over the hill Lupies, uhhhh the Lupie ladies of the............


nonna as in coherent as ever

LOL You crack me up. I know I will be a member of the " over the hill Lupies".
I have been where you are so many times, some days the brain is just a big puddle of mush.


Debbie

jmail
02-28-2011, 08:45 PM
I don't know 'bout you guys, but it's not just "over the hill" for me, it's a mad-dash falling stumble *DOWN* the dad-blame hill!...

Welcome back, porchy.

porchy
02-28-2011, 10:31 PM
Great idea you guys.....a club for over-the-hill sickies.....kind of reminds me of that saying....if we can't be a good example, we can be a horrible warning. hahahaha Oh well. We are doing the best we can, right?

A special section just for jokes & humor would be cool. I have alot of one-liners that are a scream....I am not sure where to put them....want to put them in an appropriate place.

SandyR
03-01-2011, 07:45 AM
I'm so happy to see you on here and talking about things. No more bottling these emotions up! We're not jars of sauce to sit on a shelf so don't feel bad about wanting to get those feelings unbottled and out in the open. I'm proud of you! And I'm standing with you. Now - go make your lunch for later today! LOL.

porchy
03-01-2011, 10:21 AM
Thanks Sandy!!! Yes, lunch!!!! Hurray!!!!!!! LOL (My metabolism, even though it's synthetic, thanks you for the reminders) ***grin***

porchy
03-01-2011, 10:25 AM
YES Jmail....I hear ya on that. hahahahaha Thanks for the welcome back!!

GoodDog
03-01-2011, 02:04 PM
No one told me that on the other side of the "hill" there was a cliff!!

porchy
03-01-2011, 05:51 PM
You got that right ~ LOL! HELLLLLLPPP!!!!

Saysusie
03-02-2011, 09:04 AM
Porchy;
Once again....welcome back :-). This IS the place to come when you need to vent, release your anger, cry about your pain and your losses, and even to share your humor. Each and every emotion that you feel, while living with the myriad of diseases that we deal with, is appropriate here. We are all here to listen, to comfort, to aid, and to give you support!

I know, for a fact, that I am a senior member of the downhill/over-the-hill sickies club for several reasons: 1) I'm Old 2) I'm Sick 3) I've been sick for longer than some members here have been alive (roflmao!). So, I should get senior discounts im the club :-)

Can I join? Pick me..pick me...oh please..pick me...!!

Peace and Blessings
Namaste
Saysusie

Nonna
03-02-2011, 11:51 AM
Susie you're in. Even if your picture looks to be too young. Us old people need each other.

porchy
03-02-2011, 02:08 PM
Yep SaySusie, I agree ~ you are IN. And thank you for the kind and warm welcome back. I really appreciate it. xoxo Because I am isolated so much of the time from the rest of the normal world....it's hard to deal with all the issues by myself. Hubby is wonderful but he is working so many hours that when he does come home, he eats, he showers, he sleeps. And here I am.....alone with me, myself & I. We did not have children so there is really no one that comes over to visit. I am so very grateful for the internet. If I didn't have the friends I have made on this computer, I am absolutely sure that I would not be here right now. So, I am very happy to be here and look forward to sharing.

magistramarla
03-02-2011, 10:39 PM
Hi Porchy,
Welcome back, and never, never feel bad about venting to us. We all need to do it now and then.
I love The Over-the-hill Lupies thing! Count me in!
Hugs,
Marla

porchy
03-02-2011, 11:04 PM
Thanks Marla ~ I appreciate that!!! I hope y'all don't get sick of me. lol I am happy to be back. :o)