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Oluwa
02-27-2011, 04:17 PM
Many months have passed by since I have posted anything really..a blurp here....a thank you there. Forgive me for my silence.

My words have nothing to do about Lupus and the horrific acts it plays on us...today for me, my words are of my sadness. I am hopelessly sad, I miss my husband....I am full of emptiness, that nothing can ease the pain of the space that has been hollowed out of me..

I survived the anticipated loss of my Mom to cancer 16 years ago, but an instant sudden death is so different. Everything I planned to be as us, is gone and I don't know how to move into the new direction I found myself in as Me....

I want to cut my arm just to feel a different pain, but I know I will be just a woman with a broken heart who has a wound on her arm....

Time..I don't think a spirit, a body, a mind can endure pain everyday...today is day 53. My mind looks for answers, anecdotes..a cure, but in reality the answer is...in my own time and only I will know, the unknown when it happens. My Bola's death seems like yesterday but the pain seems like eons...

Stuck in fear mode.....not the mental fear but the physical. Adrenal glands are pumping out the fear as my stomach and chest are in knots. I am tired of feeling afraid physically when my mind is not...I am in a perpetual state of an anxiety attack...

Talking, writing about it is said it heals... heal thyself with words and time....thank you for reading me.

Love,
Oluwa

rob
02-27-2011, 05:05 PM
Hi Marijo,

I realize that you probably already know this, but I'll say it anyway-reaching out gradually, and talking to others at your own pace, and when you are ready, is a good thing. Just get your toe a bit wet, or dunk your whole foot in, either way is OK.

I've tried to imagine the world you are in, but there's no way I could ever really know. Most of us could never know, but we'll listen and try to understand the best way we can. You have helped so many people here in so many ways. But now, it's time for us to listen, and to help you. I'm glad you are back, I missed you.

Rob

Oluwa
02-27-2011, 05:26 PM
Thank you Rob for reading me. I have tried to reach out at home....within reach but not receive the results I expected. Like Lupus, you have to understand why they don't understand you, instead of the other way around. Because they don't have Lupus and we can't be in their heads everyday. I will have to find that to be the same with grief....The slightest disregard, forgotten becomes so huge....unlike if I wasn't grieving it would not hurt. I would shrug it off and say next time...

This loss is so much bigger than my Mom, so much. Though I wasn't done learning from her..I was not done living my future with Bola, whatever it may have been. I think this is different too, though my Mom and I spoke daily, we didn't plan out lives together...it was assumed. I was an adult. With Bola..I lost love, security...our tomorrows. I don't think I will get over this. I feel too raw...

I started sessions with a counselor....seems better somehow when someone can hear you cry instead of alone, in a heap on the floor. Full of emotions without motion...

My family in Michigan is great but so far away....they call me often, throughout the day. I try to hold the grief in, as I worry they will tire of my sobs....but I am like a vat. I suppress and suppress then I am filled to the rim and I implode, uncontrollably and yell and yearn I want Bola home...knowing he will never walk through that door. Then I get angry, demanding answers from who...God, anyone....I will never know, maybe when I meet him again, will I get it....what this sadness was all for. I love Bola.

Love,
Oluwa

GoodDog
02-27-2011, 05:35 PM
I don't have any words of wisdom but wanted you to know I'm listening.

Oluwa
02-27-2011, 07:19 PM
Thank you GoodDog..I don't think we met. I am Oluwa. I've been part of the family...WHL for almost 4years.

Be well.
Love,
Oluwa

GoodDog
02-27-2011, 07:24 PM
Well it's a wonderful family and I'm sure glad I found all of you.

Allie

serand4
02-27-2011, 08:11 PM
You've touched my heart and I wish with all of mine that I could help heal yours -- but I can't. It's about time and time never passes the way we want it to (fast or slow). When my second husband threw me away like the lowest piece of trash on Earth, I thought I would die. The pain was so horrible. I don't know how people feel about medication on this site but for a very short while I took Xanex just to keep from crying. And I am not a crier at all, especially back then. I needed that super sharp edge off of my emotions that kept cutting me over and over. I was lucky, I wasn't sick at the time but I did have a six year old that worshipped this guy and to have me walking around in tears didn't help either of us. I'm so glad you have a counselor and if you think a short stint on medicine would help, I would ask.

Other than that, I will put you in my prayers and hope that in your emotional world, time passes a touch faster. God bless.

Oluwa
02-27-2011, 08:30 PM
Thank you serand4 for reading me....and your caring words. Yes, I am dosing with Xanax.. I feel the anxiety always quaking inside me, the drug never takes it totally away...but eventually the dam breaks. It just helps me to function, to do the legal paper aspect of my husbands affairs. Grief is a force I am having a hard time contending with....tomorrow I see my DR and maybe she'll prescribe a different sedative...

I am sorry someone you loved treated you so badly....I hope you have found someone who respects and honors you as a person and as their love.

Be well.
Love,
Oluwa

BonusMom
02-27-2011, 08:41 PM
I was thinking of you earlier today, Oluwa, and wondering how you are doing.

I cannot begin to imagine how incredibly difficult your loss has been. As a child, you expect your parent to pass at some point, but your spouse, at such a young age, is such a tremendous loss.

My co-worker, who was six months pregnant with her son, took her daughter for a walk in the neighborhood one morning last May. They came home to find her husband on the floor after suffering a massive heart attack. Her son was born in August and she returned to work in November. Her husband had been the primary caretaker of their daughter as he was a photographer and worked on the weekends. My co-worker's had daycare issues and then the holidays were here. She's overwhelmed with parenting issues, having to pay for childcare when they didn't have that expense previously and grieving the loss of her loving husband. I think I saw her smile last week.

It's been 53 days, Sweetie. Don't expect too much from yourself. We'll be here to listen whenever you want to talk (or play Wordcube).

My Dad passed away last September. I talk to my Mom almost every day. Never do I hear her cry or grieve his passing. Is she trying to protect me and make me think she's doing well so I don't worry? Is she relieved he's gone? I'd prefer she was honest and shared her true feelings vs hiding behind the face of bravado. She's always been very private so I shouldn't expect any different, but I thought his death would bring us closer.

I'm glad that you're seeing a counselor. Most of us could use the services of a good therapist, whether we've suffered a loss or not. I know I would need one if my husband passed away because I would feel as lost and angry as you are feeling now.

Please post (or PM me) as much as want/need, Oluwa. We're here for you.

red246
02-27-2011, 09:18 PM
Oluwa,

My heart goes out to you. My father died almost 8 yrs ago. Even though he was sick, I know that neither he nor my step mother ever discussed the "what if". I watched her go through the grieving process and came to realize how deeply she loved him, even though they were never what I would call "affectionate" or act like they were a couple in love. I know it's not easy, and I know that you just want to wake up from this nightmare. I wish I could come and sit w/you and be a sounding board for you whether you want to cry, scream or relive memories. Anytime you need to let it out feel free. (((HUGS)))

Oluwa
02-27-2011, 09:23 PM
Thank you BonusMom for writing to me. Grief is so individualized, there is no right way or wrong way. What your Mom is feeling could be all of what you asked. I have been reading a book called On Grief and Grieving. I know what I thought was abnormal, really is normal. If your Mom does feel relief, it isn't because she didn't love him..it could be she can do the things she wanted to do. Or if it was an anticipated passing, she may have come to terms with grief while your Dad was still here...so many reasons. No more suffering... Grief is so complex. Ask her..I think she would tell you.....talking about death is a lesson in life we should learn about before it happens. Then I think people would not feel so awkward grieving or consoling another person....

My heart feels empathy for your colleague....it is so hard to grieve and live, if you know what I mean. Life goes on, it doesn't stop so you can grieve.

I am sorry you lost your Dad....how are you feeling about that.


Hugs..
Love,
Oluwa

porchy
02-27-2011, 11:03 PM
Hello, and I don't know if you remember me....it's been a long time since I've been here, but I remember you and how you welcomed me and listened to me. You're post breaks my heart. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Life can be so cruel, but there are people who care who help to mend our hearts. This is a good place, this site. Come and share, you will be embraced, I'm sure. I hope that with time, you can heal. You will get through this....the human spirit is resilient and relentlessly hopeful, even in the face of despair. I wish you comfort and peace. I will pray for you. xoxo

BonusMom
02-27-2011, 11:16 PM
Thank you BonusMom for writing to me. Grief is so individualized, there is no right way or wrong way. What your Mom is feeling could be all of what you asked. I have been reading a book called On Grief and Grieving. I know what I thought was abnormal, really is normal. If your Mom does feel relief, it isn't because she didn't love him..it could be she can do the things she wanted to do. Or if it was an anticipated passing, she may have come to terms with grief while your Dad was still here...so many reasons. No more suffering... Grief is so complex. Ask her..I think she would tell you.....talking about death is a lesson in life we should learn about before it happens. Then I think people would not feel so awkward grieving or consoling another person....

My heart feels empathy for your colleague....it is so hard to grieve and live, if you know what I mean. Life goes on, it doesn't stop so you can grieve.

I am sorry you lost your Dad....how are you feeling about that.


Hugs..
Love,
Oluwa

Oh Oluwa, I'm sorry. I was trying to be supportive of you, pointing out that people grieve differently and I failed.

I apologize.

Nonna
02-28-2011, 02:37 AM
Hi, you don't know me, I've only been here a year. I've read this several times, trying to think if I could answer. My situation is different; a new life after a divorce is still a lost (to me atleast). You can do it. We find an inner strength that we didn't know we had. I struggled with the "WHY" also. I used physical energy; I had the cleanest house, I got a new job and focused on moving forward.

I read how Bonusmom thinks she fail to convey her point to you. But she helped you to think of her, instead of your own grief. We move forward because that is Life. We trust in God's plan even when our faith is shaken.

Hugs
nonna = Toni

I don't know if I expressed this clearly or not. Basically we all deal with grief in our own way; we have to work through it in our own way. You will too. It's just harder for you because you didn't see it coming.

kim,l
02-28-2011, 04:17 AM
dear oluwa i no there is not much i can say to take your pain away only that i will be here for you when ever you need to talk i have watched my mother go through different stages of grieving since my father died 5 years ago and know it can be hard i wish i could put my arms around you and say everything will be alright with my mother it is one day at a time but i will be praying and thinking of you love and hugs kim l

tiggerlishus - Heidi
02-28-2011, 05:26 AM
Oh Dear Oluwa

where do i start so much i want to say

firstly and most important to let you know we all love you and feel so honoured that it is you have felt comfortable enough to express how you feel!!

secondly i just wanted to let you know i do know something if not completely what you feel like i lost my dad 4 years ago in 8 days and 2 months in a car accident where he was hit head on by a drunk driver! and it is such a hard thing being so sudden not being able to say good bye not having time to wrap your head around it! i agree its agreat thing your going to a councellor i know it help my step mum alot! thou it did take her along time to really express to us how she was truely feeling and able to cry and you know what it felt sad and hard being so far away from her as we live in uk and she lives in florida but it also felt good in a funny way a relief that she felt like we did! that we could relate had the one thing in common that noone else could feel ( i know being his wife must be harder i don't want you to think i am trying to beliitle your feeling x ) so please don't bottle up i think your be suprised in thier compassion and how much it helps!!

we also found and still find constantly talking about memories of thing we did and what he would do in certain circumstances helps lots!! i recently got engaged and when my dad first died i was devstated thinking he would never see me maarry walk me up the isle or see me having his grandkids ( specially as my bro and sis have both had kids! ) but now i relise he will see all this he's always with me, his actually able to be with more now then ever before!

i really hope all i have said helps lots and lots and lots of virtual cyuber over the pond hugs xxxxx

SandyR
02-28-2011, 08:01 AM
Oluwa,

I'm so glad to hear that you are seeing a counselor. I know it's not easy to talk about your plans and dreams or to live with this grief and loss but I am happy to hear you aren't trying to do all this alone. I'm also glad you have your little dog to help you get out of the house a little bit each day too. The fresh air is good for the soul. Breathe it in deep and know that we are all here loving for and praying with you.

Sandy

PS-How is your MIL? I know you and she were very close. I remember the story you wrote about how she gave you the name Oluwa and thought at the time that she sounded like a strong, graceful woman who so deeply loves you and her son.

mountaindreamer
02-28-2011, 09:29 AM
hello my friend,

so happy to see that you found your way back to your whl family. you know that we are all here for you to say what you need to say.....anything - anytime. We can't tell you how to get down this difficult path, but, we can be here to hold your hand while you find your way.

Like Rob said, just dip your toe in the water, or get your whole foot wet....you choose which is best for you, and we will be here supporting your every move.

love ya, sweetie...think of you every day.

Oluwa
02-28-2011, 11:12 AM
BonusMom.....silly you, hugs....you did not fail....why would you think that? I think I understood, that grieving can be a long process, different for all but you can come out of it and be strong too and smile even if it is months later like your colleague. Even though I am grieving I can still comfort and console others, as with you, your Dad. And give ideas.... Comforting another helps us with our own discomfort. I've always said that with Lupus....So, don't feel bad...or apologize, no need to. Head hugs...

Love,
Oluwa

tgal
02-28-2011, 11:30 AM
I have read this thread several times over the last couple of days and for once I am at a loss for words. There is nothing I can say to make this easier or end sooner. All I can give you is my support and shoulder if you ever need it. The first year will be the hardest. All the "firsts" will happen then. The first missed birthday. The first Christmas and the "first" of whatever memories you have together. I wish I could snap my fingers and make all the pain go away or even tell you that you will be over soon. I can't. It takes time. Time that tears at your heart a little each day but one day... one day you will be doing something that you enjoy and you will realize that you didn't hurt for x amount of time. Then another day you will have a memory that makes you laugh and warms your heart and you will catch your breath because the smile on your face was real and the joy outweighed the pain for that moment. It is then that you will know that you have begun the journey to healing. There is no right or wrong length of time. It is as individual as we are. It will happen in your time and when your heart and brain say it is. My wish for you is that those moments happen sooner than later and that, until then, you have people you love and care about that will allow you to cry on their shoulders or posts in their forums (smiles).
'

debbie-b
02-28-2011, 11:50 AM
Oluwa,

First of all, I am glad to see you here.
Like most others, I find it difficult to find the right words of encouragement.
I am so sorry, that you feel lost, but I can certainly understand that you are. I know I would be.
I think coming here to WHL will help a little, to steer your thoughts into a different direction for just a little while.
Let me know, if there is anything I can do.

Debbie

serand4
02-28-2011, 04:02 PM
You have all of us if you need us. I'm glad you have a sedative and you are definitely being proactive in trying to help yourself and that's a major thing to be proud of. That means you're stronger than you think. One thing I do and have done since I was 12 is to thank God for 3 things each day. Some days it's hard to find those three things but it really does help me refocus. Just a thought. Please take good care and God bless.

jmail
02-28-2011, 09:53 PM
Oluwa, I'm thinking of, and praying for you.

Oluwa
02-28-2011, 10:52 PM
I would love to thank each of you personally, for taking the time to share yourself with me. I hope this note will show how much it means to read each of you. Really, it means so much....I know at WHL there is always an abundance of love, kindness and true caring. Though I write so little now, know I think of you all often...I just felt I had nothing to say, nor could I help anyone anymore. I had no answers. I missed you all along , ya know...OX

Life is really hard for me now, can you believe even Lupus took a back seat. I asked God, please I can't endure both. He heard. He answered. I am thankful for that. Today my DR prescribed anti-depressants and upped my dose for Xanax. One would think I would be looped, but my anxiety sucks it right up so that I can be normal and function.

I always thought my husband was so dependent on me, as I ran the house, decision maker...and not that I wanted to have the steering wheel..it fell onto me because he traveled. I now realize I was so depended on him....though like 'men', we complain they don't hear us....he was my best friend, I told him everything whether he heard me or not through his filters. There was nothing he wouldn't do for me on a personal level....two days before he died he went to the store to get a thermometer at 10:45Pm, the stored closed in 15 minutes. He worried I had a fever and thought I should go to the ER. I said if it was 103 I would. It was 102.6. He checked on me, every have half hour, finally the fever broke at 4:30AM.

I never wanted for anything because of Bola...

My last moment with Bola....
He left our home early that morning. I laid in bed while he leaned over gave me a kiss..I said "Love you, have fun and be safe"..Love you too, he said....he came back in and said I forgot my glasses on the night stand. I saw his beautiful smile in front of my face as he leaned...that was at 7:04AM by 8:25AM he was gone....He just went to enjoy his last day of vacation to snow ski....No one had told me he was killed. I waited..noon came and left and wondered..he usually calls me when he gets his lunch after his mornings runs. I surmised he and his friends are really enjoying the runs....4PM..nothing. I called his cell periodically...wondering no cell connection perhaps. I called my brother, do you think something happened to Bola. He suggested I call 911. I wanted to call 911 and ask of any accidents, but was afraid of what they would say... Instead I googled our state trooper's website at 7:30PM...and there it was, the report and it ended with next of kin not notified....my life has changed forever...


I had a service for him, his family from London flew in..part of them, so they could be with him, see him for closure.... After the service, I asked for him to be cremated. I will bring him home to Michigan for a proper burial graveside service...in our family plot.


I don't know if anyone knows but my last Auntie died 4 days later after Bola....he loved her, they loved each other and I envisioned him welcoming her to heaven, with his hand reaching for her. My grieving is different for her...I feel she is home with her Mom, Dad, my mom and her other sisters and brothers...she waited a long time....as she was almost 90.


Maybe soon I will find that sweet sadness for Bola as I have for her...in my own time..


Thank you for reading me.


Love and hugs,
Oluwa

GoodDog
03-01-2011, 12:25 AM
((((((((((Oluwa))))))))))

BonusMom
03-01-2011, 03:35 AM
He sounds like a wonderful man, your Bola.

Sorry that your dear Auntie passed so soon after Bola..

I am happy that you saw your doctor for medications. Sometimes it"s what's needed to get through the difficult times.

Take care.

~LUVMYFLOWERS~
03-01-2011, 03:42 AM
Oluwa, You are in my thought's and prayer's!
Big Hug's to you!!!!!! ~ Diane ~

Nonna
03-01-2011, 04:01 AM
Oluwa - hugs

tiggerlishus - Heidi
03-01-2011, 04:14 AM
oluwa

i didn't relise how simular our stories are my dad had been in afgan two years helpnig the troops came back home six months before his death! i had only spoke to him a frew days before confriming his flight details to come to england to see us in two weeks and his last words were love you! on the day of his death he diverted on his way home to get fried chicken for dinner and collect his post from the post office and if he hadn't decided to do that he would not of been on that road at that time, my step mum couldn't tell us her self so rung my brothers inlaws who due to the time difference waited till morning to tell us i still to this day remember the call to go round the ergency in thier voice and know soemthing was wrong! the feeling when told colapsing on a step in thier hall, after that everthing was pretty much a blurr for weeks for months i can tell you things like flights practical stuff,that the flight thier was the wierdest experince and the flight home was supose to be dads flight here but everthing else blends in to one!

like others said just take a small dip i found taking one day at a time and when then didn't work one hour at a time helped!! the first year is the hardest it does get easier slowly but surely i promise!

lots of love and hugs from over the pond xxx

SandyR
03-01-2011, 08:11 AM
Your story also reminds me of my uncle's death. I've really not gone into it too much on here but so many of the details are similar. They were both on their way to do something they loved. My uncle was a police officer silently responding to his partner's call for help across town. He was driving up the road at 2 am and another driver was on the phone and drinking and had just come from a party where he might have also done some drugs and hit my uncle's car. My uncle's car hit a utility pole. He was killed instantly. At the time his son and my grandmother were out of town. One of my oldrr uncles was sent out to my aunt's house to notify her of her husband's death. It was several hours after the fact b/c the police first drove out to my older uncle's job - he's also a PO - an told him in person and then drove him back to my aunt's house. She wasn't notified until sometime around 8 or so. Her son was camping in the woods. I can't even remember now how they got a hold of the people he was with and notified him but I know there was a police escort back home. My grandparents were 14hrs away on vacation. One of my step-aunts flew down to tell them in person. When they arrived at their hotel later that day she was taken to them by police escort. My grandmother thought my cousin who was in Iraq at the time had been killed.

It's so shocking to have a sudden death like that. It's a rip in our own personal time/space continuum. I think we are somewhat happy when it's someone much older b/c we can rationalize that they aren't suffering. They lived a good life. They were meeting their loved ones again on the other side. It just seems to make more sense, to me at least, but that doesn't make it easier I suppose. I'm sorry to hear about your aunt. It's a cruel thing that you lost them the same week.

Anyway, I'm really rambling. Just wanted to let you know I'm here for you. I know this sounds weird - but I'm glad he forgot his glasses and that you got to see his face before he left.

Bonita
03-01-2011, 10:30 AM
I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you are feeling. It is never easy to lose someone we love but when it happens so suddenly it is harder. My prayers are with you. love Bonita

porchy
03-01-2011, 10:31 AM
(((((Sandy))))) I'm so sorry for the loss of your uncle. Our men in blue are heroes, for sure. I hope that drunk driver got a harsh sentence, not that it would make any difference....but it would be justice for your family. xoxo

iseedeadmonkeys
03-01-2011, 01:38 PM
Oluwa,

I cant even begin to imagine the pain of loosing the love of your life, your best friend, your soul partner, all i can say is you are constantly in our thoughts and prayers, that in time the pain will ease for you.

OHMEOHMY
03-01-2011, 03:01 PM
Oluwa, all i can really say is that i am so sorry. and all i can suggest is to do whatever, and everything, to address your grief. as we all know, the sadness and grief will express itself, through your body as increased pain and discomfort.
when i wasn't yet so ill (in fact i was pregnant with my son), i lost my beloved little sister to a senseless accident. i have never truely gotten over it.
i lost my mother, my best friend, to lupus and years of prednisone, in 2004. each and every person that you lose, it leaves a hole, a big hole, in your life. and that's just the honest truth.
time heals. sometimes not all the way.
the only way to fill the 'hole', is to love more; more people, more pets, more any and everything.
love us, here...and let us love you. we will love you back, here at this site, i promise. and we will listen. and care about what you say, how you feel; everything!
my heart goes out to you, honestly, and with all sincerity.

Saysusie
03-02-2011, 09:30 AM
Sweet Oluwa;
Please, please forgive my absence from this thread. It is not that I have not been here, for I have. I have read and re-read the posts, each time with full intentions of responding. However, when trying to find comforting words for you about your loss, your sudden and unexpected loss, I found myself falling into my own deep despair about my sudden and unexpected loss. I feel so very selfish for doing so and have been unable to give you what you need. For this, I truly apologize and am sorely ashamed.
You have been 53+ days without the love of your life and there is very little that can ease your sorrow, fill your emptiness, or explain "why". However, I am so happy to see you here, reaching out to those who love you, and honestly sharing your emotions with us. While none of us can imagine your pain, we are all here to walk with you, to embrace you, and to hold you as you try to move through the pain.
I tried to remember what gave me comfort during those darkest hours and I think that it was knowing that I could freely talk about everything that I was feeling and that I was always allowed to share Lauri with others:
Talk to us about Bola..tell us all about this wonderful man..who he was..who he touched...what made him smile..what made him special..tell us about the life you and he shared...
Talk to us about him...as much as you want, as often as you want..for as long as you want.
Talk to us..we are here for you!

Always with unending Love
Saysusie

mountaindreamer
03-02-2011, 10:36 AM
dearest Oluwa,

thinking of you and sending you gentle and lingering hugs today.

magistramarla
03-02-2011, 10:28 PM
Dear Oluwa,
I feel so much for you. I know what it is to have a soul-mate, and I can't imagine how I would react if I lost him.
I've cried while reading all of the stories on this thread. It does help to share, and I'm glad that you have come here to share with us.
We've missed you here, sweetie. I hope that you keep coming back and that we can help in some small way to relieve your sorrow.
Many, many hugs,
Marla

Oluwa
03-02-2011, 11:37 PM
Oh gosh, I want to write to each of you to say how much your words mean to me....and I can't even find the words....as I feel so fragmented. My mind, my heart, my body are no longer in sync. They are all going in different directions. It is a frightening existence. I am struggling finding ways to cope. I am a nomad in my own home. I am a stranger in my shell. When Lupus surfaced, I lost who I was..I reinvented me..now I lost her. There is nothing left.

Today I am a disheveled mess.

Thank you... thank you so much for reading me...writing to me...
Love with hugs. ME

wolfwhisper
03-03-2011, 12:29 AM
I am sorry that the only thing I can do is be hundred's of miles away and only be able to send you the hugs that you deserve. Please know that you are in our hearts, despite the distances between us all, and that we are all here to help you to the best of our abilities.

In my prayers,
Nicole

SandyR
03-03-2011, 07:37 AM
My heart is sending you lots of hugs today. If you want to talk, we want to listen. ((((Oluwa))))

Oluwa
03-03-2011, 06:41 PM
I am struggling hard to hang onto to this emotional roller coaster ride. It is hard when you are not strapped in. White knuckles, clinched teeth, knotted stomach...

Oluwa
03-03-2011, 07:03 PM
I just feel so awful. My husband and I would play the stocks, separate accounts and today a bit ago, I just had seen they transferred his stocks into mine. Oh, God, he worked so hard...and it so hard for me to put myself into survival mode, to accept this money as ours...even though Bola will tell me it is ours.

I am so upset and mad...there better be a God and my husband better be happy, and not want for anything....if not then it is all for nothing...because we are such fragile, sensitive, loving creatures for you not to be real....

kim,l
03-03-2011, 07:22 PM
dear oluwa i am so sorry for your pain i wish i could take it away i felt some of the same things you did when my son was born stillborn i questioned everything i was so angry with god and everyone around me i lost hope and understanding i withdrew from the world but i had to needed to believe that my son was happy with my relatives who had passed and they would look after him it takes time and everyday will be different you have every right to feel every emotion you are feeling and more and let them come you are grieving and it is your right to question and feel everything you are just know that i will be here for you to talk when ever you need we all will we love you many hugs kim l

SandyR
03-03-2011, 07:51 PM
If my arms could reach across the miles to hold you tight and hold and rock you and let you rest your tired head on my shoulder and cry for a bit I would grab you up and hold you tight and rock you all through this dark night until morning light. Since I can't reach my arms that far I am going to wrap you up in prayers and loving thoughts and carry you around with me for a while until you tell me you are ready to be let down and stand or try steps on your own. I can't bring you back what you want most but if wishes were prayers and all prayers were answered I'd send your Bola back to you unharmed and unchanged by the time that has passed since you've seen him last. I know it's hard to believe in something or someone that has hurt you so much especially when you are still so fresh and raw to the experience and trying to navigate the feelings of anger and understanding. Just know that although you may not see or feel him right now HE hears you and is answering you by sending you small little prayers through the people here and by sending your heart lots of love. If you ever want to talk to someone who has had the experience of suddenly and inexplicably losing a spouse just let me know. I know three wonderful ladies who have walked your shoes and they are just a phone call or email away. (((Gentlest hugs)))

wolfwhisper
03-03-2011, 07:54 PM
I don't have any words of wisdom, though I wish I did. Instead, I looked for them and found a few that might help you. I will mail you the link that I got these from, since there are many quotes that are very true.

"Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy."
- Eskimo Proverb

"Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death."
- Unknown

"The gods conceal from men the happiness of death, that they may endure life."
- Lucan

And of course, my favorite quote is my signature.

tgal
03-03-2011, 08:02 PM
...And I will add my favorite

"There is no death, only a change of worlds." -- Native American proverb

wolfwhisper
03-03-2011, 08:06 PM
I can't mail it to you, so I'll post it here. Lots of love.
There are a few choice ones that I hope will be most beneficial to helping you. I also found two poems you might like. the second is a lengthy, but I think it carries a lot of truth in it.
http://www.achieving-life-abundance.com/inspirational-quotes-on-death.html

If tears could build a stairway and memories were a lane,
We would walk all the way to Heaven, to bring you home again
No farewell words were spoken, no time to say good-bye
You were gone before we knew it, and only God knows why
Our hearts ache in sadness, and secret tears will flow
What is meant to lose you, no one will ever know
~unknown

"I'll lend you for a little while,
a child of mine" God said,
"for you to love the while she lives,
and mourn for when she's dead.
It may be two or three short years,
or twenty-two or three,
but will you, till I call her back,
take care of her for me?
She'll bring her charms to gladden you,
and should her stay be brief,
you'll have her lovely memories
as solace for your grief.
I cannot promise she will stay,
since all from earth return,
but there are lessons taught down there
I want this child to learn.
I've looked the wide world over
in my search for teacher's true,
and from the throngs that crowd life's lanes,
I have selected you.
Now will you give her all your love?
Nor think the labor vain?
Nor hate me when I come to call,
to take her back again?"
God fancied he heard the parent's say,
"Dear Lord, thy will be done.
For all the joy the child shall bring,
the risk of grief I'll run.
I'll shelter her with tenderness,
I'll love her while I may,
and for the happiness I've known
forever grateful I'll stay.
But should the angels call for her,
much sooner than I planned,
I'll brave the bitter grief that comes,
and try to understand."
~unknown

jmail
03-04-2011, 08:17 AM
That's a good line there from Mother Teresa, wolfwhisper... nice poem too.

Oluwa, see if you can find someone who can put your stocks into a "managed" account or something that you can "set and forget". We're still praying for you, especially for the Lord to tighten your seat belt, and sit next to you on the ride for just a little while longer. Lean on Him. He likes it when you do.

tiggerlishus - Heidi
03-05-2011, 02:57 AM
oluwa

at this point iwant you to put your left hand on our right shoulder and your right hand on your left shoulder and sqquueeeeezzzeeeee as hard as you can at that is me giving you a huge massive hug!!!!! xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Oluwa
03-05-2011, 12:16 PM
How Can You Mend a Broken Heart

I can think of younger days when living for my life
Was everything a man could want to do.
I could never see tomorrow,I was never told about the sorrow.

And how can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain from falling down?
How can you stop the sun from shining?
What makes the world go round?
How can you mend this broken man?
How can a loser ever win?
Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again.

I can still feel the breeze that rustles through the trees
And misty memories of days gone by
We could never see tomorrow, noone said a word about the sorrow.

And how can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain from falling down?
How can you stop the sun from shining?
What makes the world go round?
How can you mend this broken man?
How can a loser ever win?
Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again.

rob
03-05-2011, 03:05 PM
How Can You Mend a Broken Heart

I can think of younger days when living for my life
Was everything a man could want to do.
I could never see tomorrow,I was never told about the sorrow.

And how can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain from falling down?
How can you stop the sun from shining?
What makes the world go round?
How can you mend this broken man?
How can a loser ever win?
Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again.

I can still feel the breeze that rustles through the trees
And misty memories of days gone by
We could never see tomorrow, noone said a word about the sorrow.

And how can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain from falling down?
How can you stop the sun from shining?
What makes the world go round?
How can you mend this broken man?
How can a loser ever win?
Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again.

That's beautiful Marijo.

kim,l
03-05-2011, 03:45 PM
dear oluwa that is beautiful i wish i could mend your heart but i am sending you many hugs and a lot of love from across the ocean i do not know if they have this where you live but my mother attends a group called compassionate friends it is a group for people who have lost love ones maybe if you could find something like that it may help with the grieving process hugs kim l

BonusMom
03-05-2011, 09:29 PM
I hate feeling so utterly helpless.

Please know that we feel your sorrow and wish that we could take it away.

Nonna
03-06-2011, 06:41 AM
I can only offer Hugs and Love, good thoughts and prayers.

we all feel helpless to help you, but don't hide; be here with us. we need you as much as you need us.

mountaindreamer
03-06-2011, 07:50 PM
beautiful poem marijo,

sandy's words sent warming chills through my eintre body....i join her in stretching my arms accross this country and holding you as tight as i can until you tell me that I can let go.

we all love you. you are our sister.

porchy
03-07-2011, 11:31 PM
((((((Oluwa)))))))

Angel Oliver
03-08-2011, 12:32 PM
So glad you are here sharing your thoughts,but so wish is was under different circumstances.You know my thoughts and i am always here for you.
lots of love n hugs
Amanda.xxxx

Oluwa
03-08-2011, 02:01 PM
This was played at Bola's service when we said goodbye....Song by Israel Kanakawiwo'ole. His version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow mixed with What a Wonderful life...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7O-LDea7SHY&feature=related

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Once in a lullaby Ii Ii Iii
Somewhere over the rainbow
Blue birds fly
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Dreams really do come true ooh ooooh
Someday I'll wish upon a star
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me ee ee eeh
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney tops tats where you'll find me oh
Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
And the dream that you dare to, why, oh why can't I? I Iiii
Well I see trees of green and
Red roses too,
I'll watch them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world
Well I see skies of blue and I see clouds of white
And the brightness of day
I like the dark and I think to myself
What a wonderful world
The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people passing by
I see friends shaking hands
Saying, "How do you do?"
They're really saying, I... I love you
I hear babies cry and I watch them grow,
They'll learn much more
Than we'll know
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world woohoorld
Someday I'll wish upon a star,
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney top that's where you'll find me
Oh, Somewhere over the rainbow way up high
And the dream that you dare to, why, oh why can't I? I hiii?
Ooooo, oooooo, oooooo
Ooooo, oooooo, oooooo

SandyR
03-08-2011, 02:15 PM
This is my favorite version of that song...well songs really. Beautiful.

mountaindreamer
03-08-2011, 08:33 PM
i love that version also.....what a beautiful tribute to Bola...

kim,l
03-09-2011, 04:09 AM
oluwa that was a beautiful version it was so touching my thoughts are with you everyday and long hugs from across the ocean kim l

Oluwa
03-12-2011, 04:55 PM
You all have been so kind to me, thank you very much....it means alot to me. I come and read, when I hurt, more hurt than I think I can handle....it is very consoling. I am lost for words, from teared filled eyes, usually can't see to type.... except you are all just beautiful and thoughtful to console me. Sorry that I don't have much in me to give to you to help with your pains from Lupus and life in general. Grieving, wow, is it ever toll taking on ones mind, body and soul....the constant evaluation and revaluation. The randomness of emotions....

One day when I was lower than low, going through Bola's discs from his job. He always created a personal disc to transfer personal words or photographs..when he return his project laptop to his company...and was a given a new one when he started with another client. Well, feeling low because it is stuff I have to do...I came across a photo...and it was Bola standing next to a white marker board like a chalkboard. And he wrote in blue 'Marijo love you'..I felt so much love, so much warmth. I was so happy. I hurried and went to my laptop, transferred and printed a 8x10. I framed it and it is by our bed.

It was a picture with movement for me, not a still life with a picture perfect smile..it was him talking to me....and I see him saying it every night...Marijo love you.

I miss him and I want him home and there is nothing I can do to change it...

Thank you for reading me...
Be well....love ya.

Angel Oliver
03-12-2011, 05:30 PM
I am so glad you found this photo knowing it brings you comfort.It was meant to be found.

Lots of love
Amanda.xxxx

debbie-b
03-12-2011, 05:40 PM
I am so glad you found this photo knowing it brings you comfort.It was meant to be found.

Lots of love
Amanda.xxxx

I totally agree.

I am so glad that you can still feel his love.

Take care of yourself.

Debbie

GoodDog
03-12-2011, 09:14 PM
It sounds like he is still talking to you.

steve.b
03-12-2011, 10:51 PM
oluwa,
it is never easy loosing someone. my closest loss was my sisters murder. it will hurt till it stops. then you enjoy their memories.


the best thing for me was remembering the good times. it is not easy at first, but the more we remember the more we enjoy.

remember bola for all of his goodness. enjoy those memories.

remember bola for all of his goodness. enjoy those memories.

remember bola for all of his goodness. enjoy those memories.

remember bola for all of his goodness. enjoy those memories.

SandyR
03-13-2011, 08:02 AM
What a wonderful surprise he left you! When we listen we can hear messages of love from those who are gone. I'm so glad you are hearing him. I know it's a comfort to stumble across new messages. I hope you have many more as often as you need them. XOXO

Angel Oliver
03-13-2011, 03:14 PM
Steve sorry for your loss too and thank you for sharing your words for your sister.Oluwa sending you lots of love.xxxx

mountaindreamer
03-13-2011, 04:33 PM
cross-country hugs coming your way, marijo. seems that several members here agree with me that bola continues to be around you, and he is sending you the little messages of love....treat yourself to a little time enjoying some good memories.

steve, i am so sorry that you have such a tragic story to share with us, but thank you for coming forward to help a member of our "family of the sky".

this is the most compassionate and loyal group of people that i know...thanks to everyone.

tiggerlishus - Heidi
03-14-2011, 03:06 AM
"One day when I was lower than low, going through Bola's discs from his job. He always created a personal disc to transfer personal words or photographs..when he return his project laptop to his company...and was a given a new one when he started with another client. Well, feeling low because it is stuff I have to do...I came across a photo...and it was Bola standing next to a white marker board like a chalkboard. And he wrote in blue 'Marijo love you'..I felt so much love, so much warmth. I was so happy. I hurried and went to my laptop, transferred and printed a 8x10. I framed it and it is by our bed.

It was a picture with movement for me, not a still life with a picture perfect smile..it was him talking to me....and I see him saying it every night...Marijo love you."

that deffiantly sounds like bola is trying to tell you he's still here he's still around you you just can't see him personally my dad does things like all the time! i remember in the weeks after his death my step mum found a special engagement ring that my dad had made special for annversary that she had lost mothns before he died, right on the front porch!! a porch we had been sitting on for 2 weeks chatting about him and not seen then couple weeks after we left adn my step mum was feeling low she saw this twinkle as she left the house picked it up thinking it was a can ring to find it was this lost ring! and i said to her like i say to you it he saying i'm here, i'm always here

i'm so glad you have it he got it to you just at the right time and that you find comfort in it!

hang in there owula remember we all love you and are always here for you and that the loss will get easier to deal with and the good memories will be easier to enjoy

huge massive cyber hugs from acroos the pond xxxx

Oluwa
03-17-2011, 09:34 AM
Thank you everyone for taking the time to write to me....still looking for a new normal. They say I am in the acute phases of grief. The thick of it. Time. I feel like hiding every clock...because I have too much of it to think, but physically I have accomplished some things. Going through hell and high water...March on. I am.

I am sorry for all your losses too...thank you for sharing a part of yourself with me....

Lots of love....be well, keep well.
Oluwa

Toradoradi
03-17-2011, 10:59 AM
I am so sorry for everything you are going through. I have no words of wisdom for you and can't begin to imagine what you are feeling and going through but I hope that one day there will be a better tomorrow for you. Reaching out is a step in the right direction and hopefully with time it will get better.

Just know we are all here for you and even if we can't help we can always listen.

Much love.
Tori

tiggerlishus - Heidi
03-18-2011, 03:18 AM
huge hugs oluwa

think of you everyday i know your going thro the hardest bit but your going to get throu it step by step with us all behind you
much love hugs from over the pond! xxxxxx

Oluwa
08-20-2011, 09:11 PM
The calendar says over 7 months has passed but my heart says otherwise...almost like yesterday. A lot has changed for me physically..I had to move as the house we were renting was going into foreclosure... mentally sorting out Bolas death, the grief with logic, spiritually ..trying to mend my fragmented heart and still believing in God. My sorrow is still here. I am not stricken with the intensity of it as I have learned how to manage it...receive it with a different mindset. A person knows no such emotion until you lose someone that you are connected to. For me, when my Mom died...it was different. With Bola it is of such magnitude, it caused such destruction inside me that I say now I am under reconstruction.

It has been a hard pivotal point in my life...I had to change everything, new home, new city, new accounts, new yard, shop for groceries different… my daily existence… not one thing I can think of that was not affected… ….new, new....new...new just means change. My mind goes literally goes blank. It is like walking into a pane of glass. I can see outward, but when I step forward I stop. Hard when a change is forced and there is nothing anyone can do about it except wait, try to receive it, interpret it…hard to roll with it when it is everything and anything has changed. I am adapting to a new house. It is not home, unless you have memories. I have to start new ones…new ones of those too..sigh.

I brought Bola home to the family plot a month ago…I was looking for closure. The door is still opened.

I went to where Bola’s accident took place; Monday….I was looking for closure. That door is still opened.

I looked at the sheared tree and the one that stood still. My mind went back to the day it happened. Chinook Pass, mile marker 45.6 as I stood next to the tree that stopped his life that kept him from coming home. I went there to go find closure, but when I sat on the fallen down tree…right there in front of the shards from the bumper, our SC home house key...I realized it was him, literally Bola that I was looking for. I just wanted to curl up in the broken tree branches, in the leaves, in the dirt....the bits and pieces of our SUV...with the warm of the sun feeling it was him...my mind fought hard with my heart. Up, get up, Bola is not here...I wailed and sobbed playing back the accident from the reports over and over in my mind, life, death....as I tried to catch my breath and listen to my mind place calmness in my heart...I stood up and stood still. Laid the beautiful bouquet of roses, Gerber daisies and tulips…with a natural rock shaped and polished into a heart and a lock of my haired ribboned the bouquet. They too will become part of the earth….

It was a long way back to the car…

Thank you, thank you with deep love for all you have given me, Bola...not just while you were physically here, but all that you have given me since you have been away. Protecting my broken heart, ensuring I don't lose the pieces, lose my mind...all...all the ways you let me know you are with me...I know you are honey bunny...I hear you whisper, Sugar Plum....come here my little Sugar Plum. I love you, I love you....no adjective, adverb can describe how deeply. I just do. Muah, muah...muah ..all over, to every fracture, cut, lesion, wound, lips, eye, finger tips, palms, nose, knees....toes...eye brows....muah. I love you, Bola.

Thank you everyone at WHL….I reread all the posts to me from you. Simply… with love, thank you every so much…Love, O.

lovedbyHim
08-20-2011, 10:01 PM
Hello Oluwa, I am reading this as I awakened at 12:30 at night and my heart hears your heart. I have never had anyone love me the way you were loved and the way you love. How precious that must be to your soul. I believe that will carry you through all the forced change.

I have a glimpse of all the forced change as the Lupus took my farm, moved me, lost friends, family, new everything. My house is still not my home and all I love are far from me. But slowly I am falling in love with some beautiful people. I don't know how long I will stay here, as my job is relocating at a distance from my house. More change.

I don't know you dear, but truly I hear you raw open heart and I pray it will heal and you will find more beautiful people in your new world. (((hugs)))

steve.b
08-20-2011, 10:48 PM
i still feel the loss of my sister, 5 years on.
to have the life of someone you love, cut short is hard.

if i stop and think of the actual event, it hurts beyond belief.
so i think of the good times,what changes she has made i others.

then i can smile. i know she has had a reaction, and an influence in some of the people around me.
i can see her in them.

look for the good things bola has left behind. remember him in these things.

i think of you often, and of your love !

Nonna
08-21-2011, 02:48 AM
There is a song I sing, you made me think of it tonight.

"we are many parts, we are all one body"
Another line in the song is: "so your pain is my pain too"

Reading what you wrote tonight, has given me a gift. I cried.
I can't explain at the moment why I can't cry. This is not the time or place.
I want to thank you for helping me, for giving me this gift from you and from Bola.

Oluwa
08-21-2011, 11:40 AM
LovedbyHim...having a disease is indeed a forced change, an unwelcome change too... I am sorry for all you have lost...hugs.

I am sorry you lost your sister, Steve....thank you for your empathy....hugs.

Nonna...thank you for the beautiful words. In a caring way, I am happy my feeling, my emotions gave you a gift. Tears bring relief, tears creates an open door to let others in...emotions, in ..out. I am glad you are experiencing that...hugs,

Oluwa
08-21-2011, 12:00 PM
I thought how to describe what I feel inside. Some say a hole..some say a part is missing. For me....I feel a sense of being disconnected from someone you were connected to, in all aspects. Physically, emotionally..mind, heart and body and soul....I feel unplugged and yearn deeply for that connection. The connection, is knowing each other intimately, inside and out, to be your true self without regard to thinking about it. To be able to be dependent while being independent. Cry and laugh...happy and mad. Informal...formal. Who do you trust now to know your thoughts, your feeling about everything and anything..about your family, about you....I am disconnected. In space without my tether....

I fear, saddened....my animals are approaching the end of their lives too. Riley Mildred started to have seizures while I went to Michigan to bring Bola home and Pookie Monster stopped eating. She seems to want to but can't. Trying to figure it out with the vet. He tells me she is old...me, I have to try something to ensure nothing has been over looked. Monday they will sedate her and have a look in her mouth. I feel helpless...while at the vet yesterday a man came out with his cat. I said, I hope all is well. He replied he is dying and the Dr said keep him comfortable. He walked out with a tube of nutrients...in hopes I think to prolong his inevitable death. I cried as he stood there paying for his visit. Will, I be like that I wonder...or can I speed up her death. Do I have that compassion in me..I shudder to think of that being posed to me. I don't think my fragmented heart can be broken into even smaller bits.

lovedbyHim
08-21-2011, 05:32 PM
Oh my what a mess to have to consider more loss of your beloved pets. Please know I just said a prayer for you. My heart is heavy as I listen to your words. If you lived near me I would pick you up to go for a long ride in nature and we would eat an icecream sundae. I would ask you to tell me all about your love of your life and I would hold you and let you cry rivers. Then we would plan a mini vacation or a bus trip, where we would binge on junk food and see all kinds of amazing things. I hope and pray you find new friends where you are, to love on you well. (((hugs)))

tgal
08-21-2011, 05:38 PM
I wish I had words to say that could make you feel better. I wish I had the words that could tell you when things will get better. I have nothing to give that will help you get beyond this. It gets easier as time goes on but every new "first" makes the pain even worse. All I can give you is an offer to listen if you ever need that. I hope that you will have more happiness then pain from this day on

Oluwa
08-21-2011, 06:10 PM
lovebyHim...Thank you for you for your prayers. I smiled, I brimmed with tears, you would pick me up if I was near. I have had some very lonesome days lately. It comes in waves, sometimes tidal waves. It is had to make friends, I think they would have to be people like me, because I think gosh, they would think I have so much sad baggage. Would I say I am not married, pretend Bola is still alive...I think the word 'grieving' would shy anything from developing with new friends. I try to tell myself when you get to point B you can, you will be better but there is no point B in grieving..there is no pill, no band-aid... I am lost...I am trying to use every coping skill I know of...I march on.

Both my animals are 16...I am grateful my dog has been with me this long, usually they live to be 14. With the phenobarbital she is fairing quite well now. She is totally blind in one eye and can only see to the floor below her with the other. Sometimes I am right in front of her and she looks for me. I flail my hands about, moving... the shadow I suspect she only sees. She is almost deaf too...but to look at her, she is mistaken for a puppy. Pookie has lost much weight....surviving on kibble broth I make and canned albacore liquid. Riley gets the meat, Pookie gets the broth. I've tried everything from boiling fresh chicken, poached fish, rice, eggs...many varieties of cat food...some times a bite, but then nothing. It is difficult feeling helpless.

Thank you for writing to me...hugs.

Oluwa
08-21-2011, 06:13 PM
Just noticing my pain is help...so you have made me feel better, tgal. Thank you for taking the time to write me, sending me hope...Hugs.

magistramarla
08-21-2011, 09:48 PM
Oluwa,
I'm glad to see you back here with us again, and I am so sorry that I can't do or say anything to take away your pain.
I have a love like yours - a man with whom I am physically and spiritually bonded - and I can't imagine beginning a new life without him.
I know that Bola will always be with you in your heart, but I'm sure that he would want you to carry on in his memory.
I wish that you lived further down the coast, sweetie. I would be honored to spend time with you. If you get down to CA in the next year, come see us.

I also understand how you feel about your sweet pets. Our furry babies remain in our hearts forever, too.
Take care of yourself, and always know that we are glad to hear from you here at WHL.
Lots of Love and Gentle Hugs,
Marla

BonusMom
08-22-2011, 04:44 AM
Dearest Oluwa-

My heart hurts for you. I wish there was something I could do.

Keep writing.

debbie-b
08-22-2011, 05:01 AM
Dear Oluwa,

The only thing, I can offer you is a big hug, because I can't find any words to comfort you.

Debbie

Oluwa
08-22-2011, 09:53 AM
I brought Pookie to the vet this morning...diagnose. Cancer of the mouth. She has a tumor under her tongue. She can sustain on highly nutritious liquids, but eventually it may grow so huge, nothing will go down. I selfishly think, feel..I am not ready to have her leave me forever... in an instant. I dislike the term, put down, put to sleep....euthanize. She is home with me, sedated....he said she would wake in about 4 hours. I could not leave her there in the event she would not wake. It would be too surreal...almost like when Bola left and never came home. I am so distraught...Xanax keeps me calm mentally, while my heart thinks, imagines life without her too. I just don't understand death. If it is apart of life, then why is it so hard. I wish I was a person, without feelings..I wish I was a person who was able to survive emotionally on thinking what we did, do have instead of what will happen or what is left....sigh.

I am grateful for all the time we spend with those we love. I am grateful for the smiles the memories brings but this year it is not enough comfort...if so, it is for a mere second in time and I selfishly remember what I lost and how I yearn for more...once again my vat is empty. I race and wander inside me, inside my heart, inside my mind looking for answers....

chikititalinda
08-22-2011, 10:01 AM
Oluwa I am sooo sorry for your loss. I don't think we met, and if we have I'm sorry but I don't remember : ( but I do remember reading about your husbands passing. I can't even begin to imagine what you are feeling. I wish I had words to comfort you although I know that theres no such thing. Time will eventually start healing what you are feeling although I know that at this time that seems impossible. Sending gentle hugs your way : (

Oluwa
08-22-2011, 10:31 AM
4260 My Pookie Monster.

Oluwa
08-22-2011, 11:29 AM
4261click on snap and see larger....Pookie Monster

debbie-b
08-22-2011, 11:35 AM
He is very pretty. I just love cats. (((HUGS)))

Debbie

Oluwa
08-22-2011, 11:47 AM
Thank you Chikitalinda and debbie-b...hugs..Love, O.

tgal
08-22-2011, 12:53 PM
oh my heart hurts for you. My animals are my fur children and I hate the fact that you are losing one of your fur children at this already difficult time. As I said before, I wish there was something I can do but I am here if you need to vent

kim,l
08-22-2011, 03:49 PM
dear oluwa i am sorry you are going through this pain i send you many hugs

Oluwa
08-23-2011, 10:31 AM
tgal, thank you...she is fairing alright. The sedation left her rearend..hing legs useless, but by nightfall she started to use them a bit. Today walking more. The vet said the sedation will take longer to wear off because of her age, metabolism. I picked up an array of canned cat food...and she ate quit a bit. I mention that to the vet, he said the sedation makes them hungry. Munchies. I pray the tumor stays the same size and tumor stays isolated....thank you for reading me. I hope you are feeling good, well...better than yesterday...hugs...

Oluwa
08-23-2011, 10:32 AM
Kim...thank you. Hugs to you too. How are you? It has been ions since we chatted. I hope many things are better for you....be well...love, O.

kim,l
08-24-2011, 05:25 AM
i am okay my dear friend just you take care of yourself and your lovely furry friend my cats name is puss puss and i love her so much luv kim l

magistramarla
08-24-2011, 09:25 PM
Oluwa,
Is Poukie one of those special breed of cats who have extremely short legs? I don't remember the term for it. She's a pretty girl.
I hope that she continues to have the munchies and starts to feeling better.
Hang in there, sweetie.
Hugs,
Marla

Oluwa
08-26-2011, 04:02 PM
Thank you, Marla for your words of care....hugs and love. O.

Oluwa
08-26-2011, 04:03 PM
BonusMom, Thank you...hugs,

Oluwa
08-26-2011, 04:07 PM
Marla, she is not a purebred..but I think she might be mixed with the stubby leg bred, maybe Siamese and a bit of Himalayan or Persian one vet thought. She is eating but nearly enough. But she has alot of reserves...I am giving her high calorie food. She is in good spirits...still likes to place with pencils as I flip them through my fingers....

Hugs...O.

Oluwa
08-26-2011, 04:10 PM
Kim....what a cute name, Puss Puss..animals are so easy to love. My brother has a bumper sticker...that says I love animals, they are delicious. I didn't know whether to laugh or say Oh You. He is a hunter, deer, bears..and also fishes. hugs..Love...O.

n.mac
08-26-2011, 07:10 PM
PETA=people eating tasty animals

Oluwa
08-27-2011, 04:27 PM
n.mac......oh, you....LOL

kim,l
08-27-2011, 04:56 PM
oluwa puss puss was here when we moved in the owners dumped her she was near death so we fed her flea and wormed her got her vet checked but did not know her name so we started calling her puss puss she is a tortoise colour cat i think that is what they say her breed is but she is so fussy will only eat one type of cat food fancy feast and one type of biscuit called friskie and it also has to be fish flavoured and she will not eat until we all pat her first and is very territorial we have grown to love her very much. hugs

Oluwa
12-09-2011, 11:48 PM
I am still here....times by a thread, dangling. Hard to believe it will be one year next month. My first holiday without Bola. At first I thought how could one miss him anymore just because it was a day we shared..Christmas..but in reality it is more days than that. It is all the days prior and the days after and all what we did together for the season...all the way up until he took out Christmas tree down the night before he was killed. I still can see him in the dark of the night, dragging our bare tree out to the curb. With only the porch light on lighting up his beautiful face. I can see his hand reaching towards me...he gave me an ornament that I left on the tree. That was the last thing Bola had given me.

Inside my heart, I still grief emotionally the same..I have just learned how to veil it so society, family can feel comfortable. I still say I want Bola to come home..but now, logically I know that is impossible. Logic is stepping in more often while my emotions take the side seat...they ride next to each other neither one gets the back seat. Logic is my comfort for now. Logic is helping me to accept Bola is never coming home...sometimes I pretend he is just traveling, so I can make it to tomorrow...

Thank you everyone....thank you to all those who have recently wrote to me...and missing me. Hugs with love...Me.

steve.b
12-10-2011, 12:47 AM
thank you for sharing with us.

my sister was taken just after christmas also.
it was my daughters birthday.

it is not easy, but we try to remember some of the good times.
we try to celebrate her life.
we find joy in the good she has left behind.

i hope you can find his joy this season.
thinking of you, my friend.

kim,l
12-10-2011, 04:47 AM
oluwa my friend i am so sorry you are going through this i lost my father 3 weeks before christmas 7 years ago and not a christmas goes by when i do not wish he was here. we place a christmas bauble on our tree every year with his name on it. just so he is still with us in some way and we always serve his favourite dish. and we do this to honor his memory because christmas was his favourite time of the year. i wish i could be there to hug you in person but here is a big cyber hug my friend please take care of yourself this holiday season and know i am thinking of you.

debbie-b
12-11-2011, 06:48 AM
All I wish for you, is that life will get better for you. A little better every day.
There is a very thin line between logic and emotions, but for a long time emotions will prevail.
I wish you strength in the weeks to come.
Please let us hear from you from time to time.

Debbie

Hunniebun
12-11-2011, 02:38 PM
I lost my 2nd cousins when they were 7 and 9 years old in 2002 in a single car accident caused by their mother. Tisa, the 7 year old, was born Dec 24th, so she is always remembered every christmas eve. Only time can continue to help and continue to heal as we move on in this life. Bola will forever be in your heart, so you will never be alone.

lucky7
12-11-2011, 04:21 PM
My heart is with ALL of YOU for all the LOVED ONES lost. Life can be cruel at times and im sorry for that. I like the words Steve wrote. BEAUTIFUL. I lost my grandmother who was more like my MOTHER and it takes a while BUT you WILL get to that place Steve wrote about Marijo. You are on that road NOW MY FRIEND. It all takes time that is VERY PAINFUL but WE ARE HERE FOR YOU. WARM LOVE and HUGS XXXOOO Love You

Saysusie
12-11-2011, 08:26 PM
I know that this is your first Holiday Season without your beloved Bola and I want you to know that you are in my heart. You have been heavy on my mind as we approach this season and I want to send you my love, hoping that it gives you some comfort and some strength!
You are so precious as you, even at this time in your grief, still remember to comfort me in my grief. You are, as I've always said, an angel in my life.

Always
Saysusie

magistramarla
12-11-2011, 09:11 PM
Oluwa,
We have all missed your presence here so much.
I know that I can't say much that can really help, but like so many others here at WHL, I an always glad to hear from you, and I hope that my little bit of support can lift your spirits.
Gentle Hugs,
Marla

Oluwa
12-13-2011, 11:32 PM
Thank you everyone for reading me. I pray God blesses us with comfort in our ailing sick bodies and our sad hearts for various reasons this season of when Jesus Christ was born and always. Please Dear God bring us comfort, security, peace, love, health, a sense of feeling settled inside from all that ails us. Please shine on us...hear my prayer. Thank you Heavenly Father. Amen.

Nonna
12-14-2011, 06:03 AM
My heart grieves for you and everyone elsewho has lost someone. It's been a very long time since I was in that situation. Holidays have and will be hard. Because of memories, but putting up the front helps make it easier and time does help. hugs, prayers acne the Lords comfort to you all

Oluwa
12-14-2011, 03:21 PM
Oh heavens....my Riley Mildred is having seizures again. Two last night. Grand Mal. They started when I went to the midwest this summer to bring my Bola's ashes home for a graveside service. She is on phenobarbital. I wonder what was the trigger...food? I fear. I feel the same heaviness in my heart and chest again when Pookie developed cancer and died this September. Stress. I panic, my little family is almost all gone..not her too. I know it is inevitable as she 16.5, but God...not again. I am not going to ask for strength, as I feel I the pain in life is what gives you strength. I want comfort...peace. I am not that strong, I can't endure it, not this soon, not now.

It has been a hard year. My father had a heart attack, his kidneys failed and is on dialysis. Bola was killed. Four days later my dearest, closest Aunt died. Pookie died in my arms. My last aunt, living relative by marriage on my Mom's side died. All who came before me on my Mom's side are gone. Just too much reality for me, God. Sigh. I march on.

magistramarla
12-14-2011, 10:35 PM
Oluwa,
You have had a rough year. The new year is almost here - I hope that it is a much better one for you.
Hugs,
Marla

kim,l
12-15-2011, 05:18 PM
dear oluwa mau god bless you my friend and my hopes and prays are with you luv and hugs

lucky7
12-16-2011, 12:19 PM
Oh Marijo, so SORRY about your father as well. I want to give you THAT HUG my FRIEND , in the WORST WAY! Please try to get as much comfort as you can from your family here. WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH! You are STRONGER than you THINK, the PAIN is making you FEEL weak, BUT YOU ARE NOT. Memories that make YOU SMILE, remember, THAT CANT be taken from you my FRIEND. Make NEW ones with the ones that are still here for YOU. Add some new furrry babies to your life when the time is right for YOU. You KNOW they make GREAT memories! I also wanted to tell you that we have a new furry family member that gets seizures and is on the same meds as Riley. He is 8 and he was our neighbors dog. She had to sell her house and she couldnt find a home for him before moving into her apartment, so, he's now OUR FURRY BABY! We saved him and it FEELS GOOD! We now have 3 doggies! My Lucky is 14, My Calli is 11 and i know their getting old, which makes me sad, BUT i also know they have made our family HAPPY with so many WARM MEMORIES. They will take a piece of me when they go to doggy heaven. PLEASE take care of YOURSELF and cuddle cuddle cuddle as much as possible with your Riley! WARM HUGS and LOVE! XXXOOO

Oluwa
12-16-2011, 02:49 PM
Thank you for reading me and sharing yourself too....hugs. Riley hasn't had another seizure. I suspect her getting into Pookie's organic treats is the trigger for her seizures as I found she got into the bag again, in the closet while I was out. They went into the trash! The seizure prior, a few months back, she gnawed a hole in the bag that day too. I am now wondering if her seizures are actually from food types or maybe not , as they started at my brother house while I was away. Maybe just a trigger and not the onset cause...

Jeanette, I am not sure about anymore animals..perhaps, but not any time soon. I fear death, losing anything, anyone now. I am not the same person I was on January 5...January 6th I was changed forever. I feel weak, afraid, lack of confidence, vulnerable. I don't know what to believe anymore and almost everything scares me. I feel connected to nothing. They say it is normal when one loses their spouse to feel this way. It has been a journey...not in a book I've ever read, an emotion I have ever felt. More frightening, anxiety 100-fold than driving on a rural road in the foothills on a rainy night I've never traveled. I learn as I go and quite frankly I am not a very good pupil and nor a good driver when I drove through Northeast Stockton, California area foothills on that rainy day. I was petrified too. Gasping.

Thank you everyone, very much...one moment at a time...hugs.

lucky7
12-17-2011, 11:59 AM
Im so sorry Marijo. I understand what you are saying about the FEAR you are feeling. It was a stupid thing to say. Foot in mouth! Sometimes you think you are helping and then you say something dumb. BRAIN FOG! I just want to HELP YOU so BAD and i cant. It HURTS ME to see you hurting and i want to take your pain away. I LOVE YOU

Oluwa
12-17-2011, 01:13 PM
Jeanette, hugs..no it wasn't stupid. It was caring and loving. I never thought it be any other way. I love you too....hugs.

Angel Oliver
12-17-2011, 02:17 PM
Sending big hugs n love.

Amanda,xxxxx

magistramarla
12-17-2011, 08:36 PM
Oluwa,
I think that you would be a perfect candidate for a service dog. They can be trained to help with motility, as mine does, or to help with psychological needs. I met a lady the other day who has a note from her doctor that allows her to carry her little service dog everywhere with her because it helps to prevent panic attacks.
You might like my dog's story:
My daughter bought Conner, a pure-bred German Shepherd, in early 2007 and trained him to be her "demo-dog" when she was training other dogs. She married an Airman and they were stationed in Arkansas in 2009. Conner was allergic to something there, and his eczema was so bad, the vet wanted to put him down.

Meg sent him back to San Antonio with her father-in-law in the fall of 2010. In June 2011, she was visiting and found her dog cowering in the back yard, starving and obviously abused. We think that the guy was trying to make him aggressive to guard his business, but Conner doesn't have an aggressive cell in his body.

I paid for his vet bills and told Meg to get him well and to train him to help me with motility. In October, I flew to Arkansas to visit and flew back to CA with Conner.
Now he goes everywhere with me. I have trouble on curbs and steps, so Conner will stiffen when I tell him "hold" so that I can lean on him to go up the step. He even helps me out of the shower! He happily lies under the table when we go to restaurants, and loves it when we take a trip to San Francisco and stay in a motel. He is now healthy, happy and a little bit spoiled.

I know that you aren't ready to make this kind of decision right now, but it might be something for you to consider in the future.
Love & Hugs,
Marla

Oluwa
12-19-2011, 12:10 AM
Thank you, Marla... maybe I will check into it.

I don't understand when people have animals they abuse and neglect them..I just cannot comprehend it. I am so glad you two found each other. My dog Riley each day she does get a day older, but I see her literally age each day in front of my eyes. I could never imagine neglecting her. Right now she is bundled in a heating blanket on low. I love her and will miss her dearly when her time cones. I think it will be soon from just old age. Hugs..me.

Oluwa
12-19-2011, 12:11 AM
Hugs to you too, Amanda...OX

debbie-b
12-19-2011, 05:15 AM
Oluwa,
I think that you would be a perfect candidate for a service dog. They can be trained to help with motility, as mine does, or to help with psychological needs. I met a lady the other day who has a note from her doctor that allows her to carry her little service dog everywhere with her because it helps to prevent panic attacks.
You might like my dog's story:
My daughter bought Conner, a pure-bred German Shepherd, in early 2007 and trained him to be her "demo-dog" when she was training other dogs. She married an Airman and they were stationed in Arkansas in 2009. Conner was allergic to something there, and his eczema was so bad, the vet wanted to put him down.

Meg sent him back to San Antonio with her father-in-law in the fall of 2010. In June 2011, she was visiting and found her dog cowering in the back yard, starving and obviously abused. We think that the guy was trying to make him aggressive to guard his business, but Conner doesn't have an aggressive cell in his body.

I paid for his vet bills and told Meg to get him well and to train him to help me with motility. In October, I flew to Arkansas to visit and flew back to CA with Conner.
Now he goes everywhere with me. I have trouble on curbs and steps, so Conner will stiffen when I tell him "hold" so that I can lean on him to go up the step. He even helps me out of the shower! He happily lies under the table when we go to restaurants, and loves it when we take a trip to San Francisco and stay in a motel. He is now healthy, happy and a little bit spoiled.

I know that you aren't ready to make this kind of decision right now, but it might be something for you to consider in the future.
Love & Hugs,
Marla

Oh Marla,

What a wonderful story. This is great for Connor and for you, just perfect.

Debbie

debbie-b
12-19-2011, 05:18 AM
Oluwa,

I think Marla has a great idea, when the time is right, you might want to consider it.


Debbie

Oluwa
12-19-2011, 02:42 PM
I have been living almost in my day for the last 2.5 days. I don't know how to explain it other than I suppose what I was doing was trying to hold my sick in but I did feel normal, living without thinking about living.

Very small dinner on Christmas at my house for Christmas...four of us, I went through my thoughts, yes, yes I can handle this glazing a ham and etc. I went to the linen closet to get my table linen and memories, after memories came flooding through...linen for Christmas, linens for summer, fall, Easter, just because linens and all the dinners Bola and I had together..alone, dinner we had with family vacationing at our house..and how many dinners I am not going to have with him. It is just maddening. Christmas I surmise I will have to pretend....so others don't feel uncomfortable. It is exhausting pretending..tight, tight inside all day...I hope no one asks, how are you doing. I will pop....sigh. I feel like all the time this year went flashing back like a roller coaster in reverse to January 6th...

I wonder if Christmas is quaking inside unbearable already, how will I make it on January 6th. I just don't know what to pray for anymore.....

Riley is old...I literally see her aging each day. I think her time is really soon.

I feel like I am in the SC, standing outside during a electrical thunderstorm with an umbrella...I march on.

Gizmo
12-19-2011, 03:18 PM
[QUOTE=Oluwa;99843]
It has been a hard year. My father had a heart attack, his kidneys failed and is on dialysis. Bola was killed. Four days later my dearest, closest Aunt died. Pookie died in my arms. My last aunt, living relative by marriage on my Mom's side died. All who came before me on my Mom's side are gone. Just too much reality for me, God. Sigh. I march on.[/QUOT

Oluwa, I am so sorry for your many loses this year. Please know that you are in many hearts here this holiday season, and that we will be here for you. Nothing can replace a loved one who has gone one, but I hope that you are able to reach out to others around you as time passes and discover that the world is full of people who want you to be a part of their lives - even without the blood ties. Peace be with you this week.

Angel Oliver
12-19-2011, 05:12 PM
Thinking of you and little Riley.

Lots of love
Amanda.xxxx

steve.b
12-19-2011, 06:19 PM
i have said this several times before.

yes it is hard, it is uncomfortable around others.

but you need to hold on to those memories.
they are your good times.

they are what holds you together.
they mean more in a positive way, than the pain they cause now.

my daughter turns 14 on december 29th.
5 years ago, on her birthday, my sisiter was murdered by her husband.
the pain will make way for joy.

you need these memories to bring you joy.

i know your pain, but i also know my joy.
please hold those memories close.

magistramarla
12-19-2011, 08:31 PM
Oluwa,
I wish that I lived close enough to you to come give you a great big hug!
Please know that we are all here for you and that anyone here at WHL will "listen" when you need to vent.
I know that I can't say anything that will ease your pain, but I can offer my shoulder to cry on anytime you need it.
Lots of Love & Gentle Hugs,
Marla

BonusMom
12-19-2011, 10:13 PM
Oluwa-

Simple words like "I'm sorry" cannot begin to convey my heartfelt sympathy for the heartbreak you've endured this year. Plus know that my thoughts are with you each and every day as you face the challenge of living without Bola.

Know that your WHL family is here for you and loves you, unconditionally.

Bonita
12-21-2011, 07:48 PM
I am so sorry for your heart aches and i want you to know that even though we never met you are in my prayers love Bonita

Oluwa
12-22-2011, 01:00 AM
STEVE...I am very sorry from my heart to yours that your sister was taken from you. Sorry, is just a small word for the empathy and sympathy I feel for you and your family even it it was along time ago. I am happy you gave room to find joy and your pain gave way to it...Hugs

Oluwa
12-22-2011, 01:04 AM
Thank you everyone for your kind, caring words. I am trying to make new memories...I was able to salvage my day and by bed time, I had made about 8 dozen cookies last night. Tonight I made a choc-caramel bar topped with sea salt. I licked the spatula...tastes good to me...and too some dinner rolls. I'll post pictures later for smell a vision. Good night...and really thank you for all your support for me, through the whole year...Love and Tight hugs.

Oluwa
12-22-2011, 01:09 AM
Merry Christmas, Happy Hannakak...Happy Kwanza...Peace be with us today and always as we celebrate each of our winter holiday that were are currently preparing for. May we always be blessed.

Hugs to each and everyone..OX

lucky7
12-22-2011, 05:44 PM
Oh STEVE, I am SO SORRY for the loss of your sister in such a senseless way at that. My HEART is WITH YOU dear FRIEND. Oh WOO HOO Marijo!!!! YEAH to COOKIES!!!! YUMMY!!!!! Im so HAPPY you made some and it made you feel GOOD!!!!! Im so EXCITED i can barely contain it! SERIOUSLY!!! My husband (Carl) just said "Oh, what made you so happy just now?" I told him and HE'S HAPPY for YOU TOO!!!!! My son, Jake, asked if you could send some of those cookies our way! LOL He has a sweet tooth like his mom! Ashleigh (my daughter) had a cookie decorating party on Monday with 6 of her friends and we played games after! It was FUN! It's our yearly tradition to decorate cookies. I have pictures of her friends from first grade through NOW decorating every year! I LOVE IT! I flared of course, BUT it was worth it!!! WOO HOO to a flare thats WORTH IT! I DITTO your last msg to everyone Marijo!!!!! XXXOOO

Saysusie
12-24-2011, 05:58 PM
i have said this several times before.

yes it is hard, it is uncomfortable around others.

but you need to hold on to those memories.
they are your good times.

they are what holds you together.
they mean more in a positive way, than the pain they cause now.

my daughter turns 14 on december 29th.
5 years ago, on her birthday, my sisiter was murdered by her husband.
the pain will make way for joy.

you need these memories to bring you joy.

i know your pain, but i also know my joy.
please hold those memories close.

Steve; there are no words that can truly express how my heart aches for you, your loss and your daughter's loss. That you are so giving and supportive to others is a testament to the goodness that defines you. Please know that, like you said to Oluwa "I know your pain, but I also know my joy. Please hold those memories close"
With understanding
Saysusie

Oluwa
12-30-2011, 02:00 PM
Riley Mildred....Is with Bola and Pookie. Born June 3, 1995...Died December 30, 2011. The only thing right now that consoles me Bola is she is with you and Pookie. I close my eyes and see you all together....without me. It hurts deep too. All the unconditional love..gone.

My family, my own, own family is all gone. I try to understand why...why all of them in one year...why.
I love you Bola. I love you Pookie Monster. I love you Riley Mildred.
4452

kim,l
12-30-2011, 03:38 PM
oh my dear friend there are no words that can describe how sorry i am for your loss and for what you have been through in the last year i am with you i do not understand how someone should suffer such losses i wish there was some way to make sense of it but there just is not. you my friend are a kind and gentle soul and were myfirst friend here . i wish i could be there to comfort you and put my arms around youand give you a big hug.i know this may not count as much at the moment but you are a big part of our family here. and we luv you. if you ever need to talk my friend just pm me.i wish there was more i could do but i just want you to know you are one the bravest people i know your strenghth is amazing to me. your riley was abeautiful dog who belonged to a beautiful person.my thoughts and luv is with you right now take care my friend hugs.

steve.b
12-30-2011, 05:39 PM
( ( ( ( h u g s ) ) ) )

ashleybaby715
12-30-2011, 05:42 PM
Oluwa,
please know that all of us here at WHL are here to listen to you, anytime. nomatter what you need to say. you can always vent to any of us, especially me. i'm always here to lend an ear.
things will get better :)

magistramarla
12-30-2011, 10:43 PM
Oluwa,
I don't have the words to say what I'm feeling for you, dear friend - just tears.
I agree with Ashley - please know that we are all here for you when you need us.
Love and Gentle Hugs,
Marla

BonusMom
12-30-2011, 11:38 PM
I'm so very sorry for the heartache that you've endured, Oluwa.

May 2012 be a year of peaceful healing.

debbie-b
12-31-2011, 04:43 AM
Oluwa,

I am crying with you and for you. I am very sorry, that you have to endure so much in such a short time.

Please know, that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Debbie

rob
12-31-2011, 06:47 AM
Hi Marijo,

My pets are my "kids". They are members of the family. I know how difficult it is to lose just one beloved pet, just one beloved friend.

But to lose so much more than that in such a short time, is something no person should ever have to endure.

I'm sorry for your loss,

Rob

tgal
12-31-2011, 08:14 AM
I too am sorry for your loss. My "fur children" are just as important to me as any other family member.

I will keep you in my thoughts

Nonna
01-01-2012, 05:08 AM
Like the others my furry friend are like my children. Losing them is so hard. You've had a very hard year but please remember you are not alone. We are here and we still love and care for and about you.

Gentle loving hugs my friend and sister

lucky7
01-01-2012, 10:33 AM
Oh Marijo, my heart is breaking for you.. I am so SORRY dear FRIEND. I have tears in my eyes as i write this. I agree with the others, they are our CHILDREN. I always say i have 5 kids, not 2. I know you are in so much pain and i wish i could take it away. Remember, YOU gave Riley a WONDERFUL LIFE. I LOVE YOU and I'm sending you WARM and Soft Hugs XXXXXXOOOOOOOO

Saysusie
01-02-2012, 02:03 PM
Sweet Oluwa; My heart aches for you and I am weeping for your losses. I am so very sorry to hear about Riley, especially at this time of the year when loss is so raw. I don't have any words that I know that will provide you with any comfort right now, I wish so much that I did or that I could be there to hold you or to help you through this time.
Oluwa, I am holding you up in my prayers and hoping that you find some peace in knowing that Bola is now holding Pookie and Riley in his arms.

Always
Saysusie

Oluwa
01-05-2012, 11:34 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBFr43vQiSM (click link for Gone Too Soon....song...Love, Oluwa..
4459 My Bola....January 6....Gone Too Soon.
Like a comet
Blazing `cross the evening sky
Gone too soon

Like a rainbow
Fading in the twinkling of an eye
Gone too soon

Shiny and sparkly
And splendidly bright
Here one day
Gone one night

Like the loss of sunlight
On a cloudy afternoon
Gone too soon

Like a castle
Built upon a sandy beach
Gone too soon

Like a perfect flower
That is just beyond your reach
Gone too soon

Born to amuse, to inspire, to delight
Here one day
Gone one night

Like a sunset
Dying with the rising of the moon
Gone too soon
Gone too soon

Angel Oliver
01-05-2012, 03:08 PM
What a lovely photo.Bola will be in our thoughts tomorrow also,Pookie and Riley.Gentle hugs Marijo and lots of love.
Amanda.xxxxxx

kim,l
01-05-2012, 04:13 PM
my dear friend my thoughts and hugs are with you at this terrible time lots of luv

magistramarla
01-05-2012, 08:21 PM
Oluwa,
I'll have you in my thoughts and my heart tomorrow, sweetie.
Thanks for showing us the picture of your handsome husband. The song is right - he is gone too soon.
Remember that you are loved at WHL.
Love & Hugs,
Marla

Oluwa
01-16-2012, 12:56 AM
I never wanted memories...I only wanted all of you. I miss my family...sigh.

kim,l
01-16-2012, 05:55 PM
no words can express how much you must be missing them right now. and i know memories are not much comfort. i wish i could be there for you in person so you had my shoulder to cry on and express the many different feelings you must have. i am sending a great big bear hug from across the ocean and know i am here if you need to talk pm anytime my dear friend luv kim

Oluwa
01-18-2012, 11:51 PM
I feel like I need to runaway instead of running toward something. The anxiety stops only when I think of what was as if it still is....hummm....

Nonna
01-19-2012, 05:04 AM
That doesn't work for long. I've tried it. You have to go forward. We lost our Princess this week. She was the best dog I ever had. She was a good replacement for Pepsi, my first dog. But we go on because we have to. Don't dwell on the past and wish it still was. That is not healthy.

We of all people need to think healthy. I wish we were on the same coast. I'd come and be with you. Loneliness is hard to overcome . I still feel very alone even with family. We just adjust. We have too.

I'm rambling so I'll stop. I hope I'm clear enough that you understand.

Please don't hide in the fantasy of the past

Hugs

Desleywr
01-19-2012, 06:08 AM
My Dear Dear Oluwa
I too find it hard to work out what to say. I can relate your experience to the loss of my children and a divorce but nothing can compare to your personal grief. All I can offer is I was once told to write down how I felt when going through deep grief. I can say that this did help me as I was able to write down how I felt but I couldn't really express it verbally I just found it too confronting to say the words.

I have read here so much compassion, and offer of support as I have read in any other thread. This is an example of this group we are family! A flash in my mind just gave me a visual of a movie and the people were singing .... We are family... A nice happy vision.

You write well why not write how you go through your grief to help others and publish it as an experience to be read by others and it may help someone else. I often find that helping others in away helps us get though our day. I hope it may help you!

Lots of hugggggssssss

magistramarla
01-19-2012, 10:13 PM
Oluwa,
I've been thinking of you when I've heard about all of the snow that Seattle has been getting. I hope that you are doing all right.
If you ever want to get away from the cold and come down the coast for a visit, we have a spare room that is available!
Hugs,
Marla

lucky7
01-20-2012, 12:56 PM
THINKING of YOU ALWAYS Marijo and wishing you the BEST during a very difficult time in your life. LOVE YOU SO MUCH

Oluwa
04-01-2012, 08:45 PM
Trying to balance my love with memories. The weight on the seesaw has to be adjusted, more weight on one side and vice versa. Tough, rough and I am not buff enough for this task....a work in progress. Each death seems like yesterday, but in my heart the missing seems forever....

steve.b
04-01-2012, 09:09 PM
i found the pain does fade.
the memories will fade, if you let them.

if i sit and do nothing, it brings bad sad memories.....
if i fill my days with activities, (not just big events, just activities), i do not feel the pain, but i still remember the joy.

i keep happy thoughts and pictures around me.
look for a nice way to release the love you have.
if you cannot release love....
you have sorrow.

tgal
04-01-2012, 09:10 PM
Wonderfully said

DrinkofWtr
04-02-2012, 07:48 AM
Oluwa, It is extremely difficult to loose a husband suddenly. I have been through it and you never get over it. People say time will help. I didn't believe them at first, but it does. All you can do is take one day at a time. The littlest thing or memory can trigger a response in you. Be good to yourself and take care.

Oluwa
04-02-2012, 09:17 PM
Desley....thank you for your kindness...I do keep a personal journal too, again. After Bola died I shredded all my other writings...my words I didn't want another to read. I don't know really why I did, except because they were mine. I wish I had not. Since Bola died, I started another...afraid I will forget some things. I am so sorry for the loses you have had, and you are right our grief is our own..only we can walk our journey and meet people along the way. Happy to have met you...tight hugs.

Oluwa
04-02-2012, 09:19 PM
Thank you, Marla..that is so generous of you...hugs. I am still working on leaving outside my neighborhood. Anxiety keeps me close...thank you though. Spring has finally arrived in Seattle.....sunny today and Jack and I played in the day....tight hugs..

Oluwa
04-02-2012, 09:22 PM
Thank you, Steve...all will be well. Maybe not tomorrow, or the next, but I know it will. Thank you for your kind words. Tight hugs.

Oluwa
04-02-2012, 09:30 PM
I am so very sorry, DrinkofWtr you know such a loss. Many, many triggers lately. Perhaps because today was the day we move from the east to west. My body, my senses usually know marker dates not my thoughts...then I look at the calendar and I see the correlation. Then I go into the IFs. I try to stay in the day today...took pictures of my new flowers, put a workbench together. Just so lonely...I miss my family. I miss the connection. I love my Jack. Love, memories, is, was....now, then. Trying so hard not to just exist but to live in the day. I march on, moving forward....thank you for your words to me. Tight hugs.

DrinkofWtr
04-03-2012, 07:47 AM
I was extremely lonely too for a long time. Little by little you will start to involve yourself in social things. Keeping busy helps. You will move forward. I know you will make it through this.

Oluwa
04-05-2012, 10:23 PM
Compassion for ones self is not self pity. Grief is love. Feelings....grief....is more than feelings. It's physical too.

Feelings...One can do everything one can to avoid feeling them... with food, drugs, alcohol, work, spending, daydreaming, anger, the IFs, blame, withdrawal, people-pleasing, and so on....or you can hold your heart, opening to the feelings with deep kindness and tenderness toward yourself.


I've always chosen the latter...to hold your heart with love and compassion for yourself, some call it self pity..I call it compassion... you can feel peaceful, and even alive and passionate about your life in the midst of the pain of life. I've never been good at filling my life with endless busy to avoid feeling life, to appear positive for others. For me, it has been a good thing to embrace the pain, the sadness and live. Being 'positive', whatever that is... comes naturally for me I guess. Grief, sadness, pain is not a weakness, nor is it negative as society implies. It only becomes negative if it hurts you to the point that your life is filled with dislikes, ungentle-ness, rudeness in everything in your everyday life...


Still a work in progress...moving forward....


Spring has sprung. Happy Spring, Honey Bunny...I love you and miss you.
http://static.dailystrength.org/userfiles/7/5/3/7/577357/pg_577357_391628534.jpg

magistramarla
04-06-2012, 04:24 PM
Oluwa,
Thinking of you.... Your writing is beautiful.
Gentle Hugs,
Marla

kim,l
04-06-2012, 06:15 PM
you are always in my thoughts luv kim

Oluwa
05-30-2012, 08:44 PM
I fell into the hole. It is like someone laid a round carpet in front of me...I stepped on it....but instead I fell in. So, here I am in the dark...trying to find the light switch.

Nope not that one, nope that one is burned out...I know it will pass...it always does.

I selfishly pray....Dear Heavenly Father...please hear my words. I ask of you to lay Your hands on my tired, weary head and sadden heart, and restore me. I asked of You.. .please shine upon me and give me back the peace and the joy that has been lost when Bola died. I can't do this without you. I am tired. Thank you, God. Amen.

The sun is finally setting..now I can go to bed. I could never sleep during the day no matter how I long too. Good night, Bola.

magistramarla
05-30-2012, 08:48 PM
Oluwa,
Your sadness saddens me. I wish that there was something that I could do.
Hug that sweet puppy of yours, and have a restful night.
I'll be thinking of you.
Love & Hugs,
Marla

Nonna
05-31-2012, 03:46 AM
Hope you had a restful night
Hope the dawning of a new day brings light to you
Hope your puppy cuddles and makes you feel loved
Hope you remember we all love you

Toni

debbie-b
05-31-2012, 03:55 AM
Oluwa,

I so much hope, that you can find a way out of that dark hole.
Like Marla, I wish that I could help.
I am thinking about you and pray that God will hear you.

Debbie

rob
05-31-2012, 04:20 AM
You know Oluwa, when I take a picture of something, it's just a picture. When you take a picture of something, it's a work of art, a postcard, a magazine cover.

Please know that I think of you every day.

Rob

SweetNovember
05-31-2012, 04:29 AM
Oh, I'm so sorry for your loss! My sincerest condolences go out to you.
Writing is helpful. I know it's a bit different, but my best friend's son (my godson) passed away when he was 2 months old due to heart defects. I couldn't imagine the pain she was going through knowing that my heart felt like it was literally being crushed. She started blogging and she said it was/is incredibly helpful to her.
Once again, I'm so sorry. Prayers, love and hugs sent your way. <3

theLword
05-31-2012, 06:31 AM
Hi Oluwa,

I'm am new to WHL, but I just wanted to say that I am here to support you. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. No words can empathize with the pain you are feeling.

I will send positive thoughts your way and I wish you only the best.

Oluwa
06-01-2012, 07:54 AM
Happy Birthday in Heaven, Bola...
Happy 40th Anniversary of your birth date, Baby..…. I'm celebrating your wonderful self! I am missing you. I love you.

If Roses grow in Heaven, Lord,
please pick a bunch for me,
Place them in my husband’s arms...
and tell him they're from me.

Tell him, I love him and I miss him,
and when he turns to smile,
place a kiss upon his cheek
and hold him for awhile.

Oluwa
06-01-2012, 09:52 AM
4768 Unforgettable you are....I love you Bola. Happy Birthday. Muah all over face, eyes and toes.

debbie-b
06-01-2012, 10:32 AM
Happy Birthday in Heaven, Bola...
Happy 40th Anniversary of your birth date, Baby..…. I'm celebrating your wonderful self! I am missing you. I love you.

If Roses grow in Heaven, Lord,
please pick a bunch for me,
Place them in my husband’s arms...
and tell him they're from me.

Tell him, I love him and I miss him,
and when he turns to smile,
place a kiss upon his cheek
and hold him for awhile.

That is a beautiful poem. I am sure he is up there in heaven, loving you as much as you are loving him.
Big hug.

Debbie

Oluwa
06-01-2012, 12:03 PM
God knows my name.

kim,l
06-01-2012, 06:16 PM
dear oluwa what a lovely poem no doubt he his watching over you luv kim

steve.b
06-02-2012, 06:21 AM
may you feel my hug.

i feel your warmth and care.

Angel Oliver
06-03-2012, 06:05 AM
Ahhhhh so young but a lovely peom and love the photo.Sending gentle hugs and wishes of happy birthday to Bola above.Still remembered and spoken of daily....and always.
Love
Amanda.xxxx

magistramarla
06-03-2012, 03:16 PM
That is such a sweet photo. He left a footprint on your heart!
Love & Hugs,
Marla

Oluwa
06-05-2012, 08:11 PM
I am wandering about trying to find the bread crumbs home...sigh.

magistramarla
06-05-2012, 08:17 PM
You've found 'em. Your cyber family is right here.
Hugs,
Marla

Oluwa
06-10-2012, 10:15 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pAyKJAtDNCw (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pAyKJAtDNCw)
You are not alone
I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay

You are not alone
I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart

rob
06-11-2012, 07:38 PM
Oluwa,

Despite the fact that you have been so lost, you have done so much for so many. You have done so much for me.

If two people who are lost put their heads together and start to find their way, then maybe we aren't as lost as we used to be.

Maybe that's progress.

Rob

Oluwa
06-11-2012, 08:57 PM
Rob..the blind leading the blind. Arm in arm... I'll feel outward with my hand and you use your feet to look for the curb and hang on. Keeping our ears keened up.. listen to the world beating. Birds, the wind, the water...it is all good...all of it. When we are happy, the birds chirps are lovely songs, the colors...of the sky, so blue...grass so green becomes so vivid. I have a few of those days. I anxiously wait for many more. They are there, as they were before...waiting for us...all of us in grief, in illness..in pain..

Today was a better day..how about you? For me, if I keep busy with something to look forward to and not just busy for the sake of it..it makes the future seem more optimistic. Simple as looking for a new SUV (mine was in the accident) and perhaps a Nook or Kindle to read. My library of books about my bed could make a night stand in itself...looking for answers. The answers are really in us. Books are to bring it out..

Good night, Rob...sleep well...hugs.

Oluwa
06-18-2012, 12:09 PM
I washed, polished, nourished the inside of Bola's car last week. With each wet cloth swipe I thought no more finger prints, no more DNA, no more sweat from his hands. His elbow spot on the leather console..gone. I wanted to keep it as was, I wanted to leave it in the garage...but in reality it will just rot, decompose...from not being used. I had decided either give it to my nephew, if he wants to fly out and drive it back to the midwest or sell it. My nephew did not want to drive or fly.


It makes me feel settle, calm, something familiar when I looked at it parked, false hope he was home but when I drive it dread fills me..I feel despair.


Crossroads. It was inevitable I need to do something with it. I feel selfish when I say I missed my SUV. I fell ashamed that thought flickers through my head for the nano second it does. When Bola died I went into autopilot. Mind protecting it self from becoming nonfunctional...autopilot but no steering wheel just the conscious guiding your body through this mess while your heart and emotions take the back seat. Now my heart no longer needs protecting. I have to live and make decisions. I can't hide from the things I need to to do for me to move forward in my life.

I finally bought a new car that fits my body ailments. It is just a car, but it did fill me up somewhat with familiarity of what once, my old SUV... but it is now mine and I will drive myself through life with a new vehicle. No fright while behind the steering wheels of Bola...no sadness as to once was. No more physical pain for the structure of his car on my carcass, my spine. How we get attached to things. How we love someone so we want to keep everything of theirs. The car was a huge feat, not because of its size but because it was a place Bola and I shared part of life as our house was sold just before he passed.

Moving forward...a bedroom full boxes... of clothes, toiletries... his life on paper..now to me this is the next biggest emotional feat.

I still long for Bola to come home, yearning for his hug, the trust...this will be the hugest beyond my imagination, beyond what my heart can comprehend right now that he is never coming home again. Being unable to imagine that is what keeps me safe...

I love you Bola, Pookie and Riley..my family.

rob
06-18-2012, 03:41 PM
Oluwa,

I know what you mean. I have a very hard time going out to the garage. That's where Dad and I spent the most time together. The car restoration we were working on when he got sick still had his tools laid out on the fender. His worklight was still hanging under the open hood, and his reading glasses were on the dashboard. I didn't want to move any of it. Some days I'm able to work in the garage for a short time, but it's very hard to be in there. It's so empty out there.

I had another one of those "firsts" yesterday. It was the first father's day without him. I actually picked up the phone and started dialing his number to wish him a happy father's day. I stopped dialing, and then the reality of it all hit once again. There will be no more father's days. I no longer have a father. He's gone, and he's never coming back. I still can't comprehend the finality of it all.

Yesterday was a bad day.

Rob

Oluwa
06-18-2012, 05:07 PM
Rob,

I am so sorry for being unknowingly insensitive with it being Father's Day...your first. Tight hugs. We still of our parents, I of my Mom....you of your Dad. The holidays representing mothers and fathers takes on different meaning for us. For me, it is a day to plant my Mom's favorite..deep purple petunias...this year they were late coming to the nurseries here...cold.

In life we are really not taught of death, how to live with it...most of us are taught how to avoid suffering, be stoic..only to prolong the inevitable pain with those who pass before us. Life here is finite but the spirit, the soul I believe is infinite. Even though I believe this I still, like you can not accept the finality of Bola's life here. It is hard for my mind, spirit to accept this...maybe we just get use to the pain..I wish I knew. I think with my Mom..I miss her, I love her...times I cry wanting her here to fill me with our daughter and mother relationship..so I don't know..did I learn to live with her being gone, do I accept I will see her again...or did it she just become like a book unread, unfinished to my mind...

I hope, Rob you found a bit more peace within your heart today. I know it is hard..I am sorry...tight hugs.

Oluwa
06-18-2012, 05:15 PM
Debbie, Toni, Amanda, Marla, SweetNovember, theLword, Kim...thank you for your words of kindness. Tight hugs..

rob
06-18-2012, 07:08 PM
Oluwa,

You're not insensitive at all. In fact, you are quite the opposite. Please don't worry.

Your words always help.

Rob

magistramarla
06-19-2012, 03:53 PM
Oluwa,
My heart always aches for you when I read the beautiful things that you write. I'm glad that you are beginning to feel that you are able to move on with your life now. One step at a time!

Rob,
I was thinking about you on Father's Day. I know that it must have felt like an empty day for you. You know that the best tribute to your Dad is to get out there and finish that car restoration. Eventually you will take ownership of it.

You know, sometimes I feel a little bit jealous of the sweet memories that others have of their Mothers and Fathers. My Mother was so insane and abusive, I felt nothing but relief at her passing. I didn't know my Father that well, so his passing didn't seem like it was more than an acquaintance or a distant relative passing. Hold on to those sweet memories of parents - I wish that I had some.
Hugs,
Marla

Oluwa
06-21-2012, 06:26 PM
God..hello. I am not doing very well today. I miss Bola. I saw a Jack Russel today being walked by a little boy and I watched them until they disappeared around the corner. I felt a calm, familarity..my Riley. I wish my family could come home.. :unhappy2:

Saysusie
06-26-2012, 10:40 AM
I've been lurking about here, reading Oluwa's posts and all of the very sweet responses from everyone. I felt a tug on my heart for Rob on Father's Day and fell to my knees in our hotel. My heart also made a millisecond stop on the anniversary of Oluwa's loss, again I fell to my knees.
How do we explain the emptiness that we feel after losing someone so important to us and so loved by us? Words just seem to be a deficiency, not able to carry the true intent of our hearts.
Oluwa; I continue to keep you in my heart and in my prayers and I know how we cherish all that is left in our care that once belonged to the one we've lost. It has been 13 years, and Lauri's room just got cleaned out and redecorated this year!
Rob; I say a soft prayer for you every morning as I start my day. I honor the man that you are who is a direct result of the man that your father was.

My prayers go out to both of you, that you are able to find strength and comfort each and every day.

Peace and Blessings
Namaste
Saysusie

Oluwa
07-01-2012, 04:24 PM
Thank you, Marla and Saysusie...

Words are deficient to explain a loss..it is like forcing a square into a circle. We try...but nothing fills the space, the emptiness exactly.

I can imagine how hard it was to redecorate Laurie's room. Now the room can be thought of as a gift to you from her. Tight hugs.

I filled a photo album of Bola's and my life together and mailed it across the pond to his sister to take to his Father. I gave so much of my heart, feelings, letters, cards, photos, poems while grieving myself to them from me. Though I am sure they are grateful it would have been nice to know with verbal words or a letter. This mailing is my last to them. I am not fretting anymore. I did my best. When Bola and I married, we took vows... his life became entrusted to me, to protect, honor while living and in passing...I hope in his family's eyes they know I did. In reality to them I do not think it was enough..I think a card filled with money to them may have been better...sigh. I am letting go...fly, fly...I leave it to above to carry this sadness I felt about this...Good bye.

I learn. I grow.

Oluwa
07-07-2012, 10:44 AM
Waiting at the Door by Alison Mary Dunn

I can’t explain so deep inside
The very fabric of my soul
Only a heart that grieves such loss
Can ever truly understand

It’s like you’re waiting at the door
Until a loved one comes back home
You feel a longing in your heart
When they appear the longing stops

But in a loss that never ends
You’re always standing at that door
You feel the longing in the breeze
So incomplete and never filled

I cannot find the words to say
Just what it’s like to want forever
Never seeing them again
Just always waiting at the door.

I know...emotionally and physically I waited at the the door.. in my heart I feel like I still am. :(

Oluwa
08-10-2012, 10:12 PM
I see your sweet smile
Shine through the darkness
its line is etched in my memory
So I'd know you by heart.
The joy you gave me lives on and on
'Cause I know you by heart
I still hear your voice
On warm summer nights
Whispering like the wind.
I see your sweet smile
I hear your laughter
You're still here beside me every day
'Cause I know you by heart.

The pain has lessened, but the sadness deepens.. I miss you.

Saysusie
08-24-2012, 09:23 AM
Sweet Oluwa;
I am going to pass on to you some words of wisdom that my sweet Lauri gave to me:

"Do what your heart tells you is the right thing to do because God speaks to you through your heart. It does not matter how others recognize or respond to what you have done, you know that you followed your heart and therefore you did what was right. GOD recognizes what you have done and HE loves you because of it. That is all the acknowledgment and thanks that you truly need"

Those who truly love you and know how special you are honor what you have done for Bola and for his family.

Sending you tight, warm hugs

Peace and Blessings
Namaste
Saysusie

Oluwa
09-09-2012, 08:46 AM
Thank you, Saysusie. I think that way too, listen to my heart ..give with it. I think I was really looking for empathy, love from them. I went from a loved, favorite in law..daughter, sister to being just a person who once was married to their son, brother. I feel confused as to what emotion was/is real to them. Now my heart says no more and I am okay with that.

My heart pain from missing, longing for Bola has lessened..but a deep sadness fills me. I feel the need to be isolated, alone...but I do push through it and participate in life. Yesterday spent the day with my sister and her son. Movies. The Odd Life of Timothy Green. Last weekend spent it near the Cascade Mountains with my girlfriend. Fished, hike a bit. The ocean is calling my name. Maybe I will book a few days on our coast during the winter stormy shore months...

Jack still has me loving and laughing outloud. I am glad I met him and he wanted to come home with me. He is 9 months but he is going through something a two year old baby would have..The Terrible Twos. Closet, pantry. If he can reach it, it is coming down. Hung sweaters littered my closet floor...shoes all piled in the middle of the master bath floor. Garbage from the bathroom waste cans..gnawed a strewn about the upstairs. I say, 'you, you.. animal you.' He never believes that I am mad..he can feel my emotion behind my scold..Laughter.

All will be well...tight hugs to you too. I hope you are keeping well too. Muah.

magistramarla
09-09-2012, 09:17 PM
Hi Oluwa,
I am so glad that you are getting out and getting involved with life again - you go, girl!
I know what you mean about the ocean. I live next to it, and there is nothing more calming than to sit watching the waves and the sailboats out on the bay.
Our fur babies can always bring us joy, can't they? I'm so glad that you have Jack.
Hugs,
Marla

Oluwa
10-30-2012, 08:57 PM
I did go to Ocean Shores. simply beautiful even during the raging in a instance storms. I gave some of Bola back to the world on the coast. Now he is forever apart of the physical universe.

Going on two years. I know it seems like a long time to a person working, to a person going to school, to a person without a vacation....but to me the almost two years feels like a month....sigh.

I keep trying. I don't think there is such a thing as 'home' anymore. It is like amnesia. No one to back up my stories as I tell them. Bola, my love, my sweetheart..I am lonely without you. Still lost. I tried to force a fork in the path and all it has done is made me yearn for you all the more. Flashing to the earlier days of that fatal night. Bola...forever young as I grow old.

kim,l
10-31-2012, 01:32 AM
dear oluwa i am sorry you have suffered so much in the last few years i wish i was there to give you a big hug, so i am sending cyber hug from across the ocean luv kim

debbie-b
10-31-2012, 03:24 AM
Dear Oluwa,

Even though I have not been in your situation, I can very much see, how you can hurt this much, for this long.
I also would be LOST, without my husband, even though I have children and grandchildren, but nothing can replace your soulmate.
You know, we are here for you, anytime you need to talk.

Debbie

Saysusie
10-31-2012, 10:33 AM
Sweet Oluwa;
I know that for you, two years seems like only moments ago. The loss, and the wound that it leaves behind, is still so fresh and raw. Two years is not a long time at all, it is not enough time for you to escape from your sorrow, sadness, and feelings of loneliness. Your heart and your head are still trying to come to terms with the loss and, as I said, it still feels like it has only been a matter of minutes.
I just want to continue to remind you to always do what your heart tells you to do because that is how (and where) God speaks to you! And, always know that you are always in our hearts, our prayers, and our thoughts.

Sending you warm hugs filled with understanding
Saysusie

Numpty
11-03-2012, 07:29 AM
Oh Oluwa, I'm only just returning to our wee family here and am still trying to catch up on all that I've missed. I'm so so sorry for your loss and that I haven't been here to help support you when you needed it most. I cannot even begin to imagine what the months have been like for you but know that I'm thinking of you and sending you hugs and love from across the 'pond'.
Claire xxx

Oluwa
12-09-2012, 10:39 AM
This holiday season do not buy from this Ebay Retailer...(U.K) "precious-designs"..she had ripped off a dear friend of mine.
precious
25 Bohemia Chase
Leigh On Sea
Essex
SS9 4PW
United Kingdom Phone: 07918664101
Email: wendys_fashions@btinternet.com

Oluwa
12-09-2012, 10:41 AM
I am still stumbling, a few bunts in..all is well as we enter the Christmas season.....

Keep well everyone...I am ..trying. Hugs with love.

jmail
12-09-2012, 10:52 AM
Hey there Oluwa! We're thinking 'bout you. I'm awful at gentle hugs, but I'll be careful as I can... ((((hug))))

rob
12-09-2012, 01:33 PM
I am still stumbling, a few bunts in..all is well as we enter the Christmas season.....

Keep well everyone...I am ..trying. Hugs with love.

I'm still stumbling too, but I'm not falling flat on face as much as before. Small steps.

For my family, once this Christmas is over, most of "the firsts" will be behind us.

My entire life, I looked forward to Christmas. But for this Christmas, I feel nothing but fear, and dread. I just want it to be over with.

You are always in my thoughts Marijo. We'll both stumble on the best way we can.

Rob

Oluwa
12-17-2012, 03:03 PM
Rob...
I am happy to know you are finding your way, Rob. Last year, I was numb for the holidays...trying to be in traditional, making others happy. Autopilot. This year seems harder. I am awake. Instead of crying without thought, reflection I now cry with thought and not with pain. You may want to just stay home, you may want to go out...I think I would choose to go out, be with family ...because you can always go home. We can't be afraid to try.

“You've always had the power, my dear. You've had it all along." I keep telling myself...quote from the Wizard of Oz when Dorthy wanted to go home. I thought Bola was my home...well, he was because he was my trust. Now I have to trust the world and all that is in it to feel at home.

We learn, we grow from this event in our lives. It is life..death, it is living.

I found when I could just be..to stop listening to others, stopped listening to my nagging self...and just be I started to feel peace and a calm come over me so I could think with out fear. Just be who you are now and eventually all will fall into place at some time...when? I don't even know for me....sigh...but I feel the change is taking place.

Tight hugs..all will be well. Love, Me.

magistramarla
12-17-2012, 03:06 PM
Oluwa, Rob and SaySusie,
Thinking of you all today.
Love & Hugs,
Marla

Oluwa
12-24-2012, 03:28 PM
WE'RE SPENDING CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS THIS YEAR




We see the countless Christmas trees around the world below.
With tiny lights, like heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away that tear; For we're
spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
We hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear.
But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.
We have no words to tell you the joy their voices bring.
For it is beyond description to hear the angels sing.
We know how much you miss us, we see the pain inside your heart.
But we're not so far away, we really aren't apart.
We cannot tell you of the splendor or the peace inside this place Can
you imagine Christmas with our Savior, face to face?
We will ask him to light your spirit as we tell him of your love.
So then pray for one another as you lift your eyes above.
So be happy for us, dear ones, you know we hold you dear.
And be glad we're spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
We sent you each a special gift, from our heavenly home above.
We sent you each a memory of our undying love.
After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold.
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other, as our Father said to do.
For we can't count the blessing or love he has for each of you.
So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear.
Remember, we're spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

Saysusie
12-24-2012, 11:10 PM
absolutely lovely. thank you for sharing this oluwa

peace and blessings
saysusie

Nonna
12-25-2012, 10:57 AM
I agree with Susie, thanks for posting. May I also wish you a merry Christmas with love and hope

Oluwa
08-22-2013, 07:28 AM
Dear Heavenly Father....

I am finally finding myself. I am very grateful for Your presence within me always, especially during the last two years and seven months. Through Your strength within me I realized I am strong after all and I am living somewhat of a peaceful existence inside.

Thank You, God for being my constant companion and friend even when I felt you left me. Thank You, God, for being my safe haven that protected me from the storm that filled my heart night after night, day after day....moment by moment, from Bola's passing. And sending people to me, especially Amanda to ensure I was safe and kept me literally alive. I am grateful for all Your blessings and that I am continued to be blessed with people who love me and to have the heart to love them back.

I know Bola is in your keeping, though I wish he was in mine I will keep him in my heart in the life that you gave me as I move forward with it. I love you Bola.

I am saying hello to the life I was given to live while here on this living, moving ball...earth. Though I am not the women I was before January 6th, I never will be but I am the women who has grown more since that day...such a loss, a life so intertwined has become actually a time to wilt, wither and grow even moreso as I become one again.

I have learned to accept, well for the most part what I will never know...and that is what had happened that day at 8:26AM on January 6th, 2011. What caused my baby not to come home.

Accepting doesn't mean I no longer grieve, to me it just means the pain is lighter, the pain is understood why it is there and to know grief is love. That is all. Grief does not go away..it will always be there in some form, some days more than others, some times I may not feel it all. That is my perspective of it, but each person's response and feelings about grief is different. The sadness, the feeling of being lost, no compass, no light in the jungle is normal. I know now, but I didn't then.

Love to all as I move forward. Thank you for being my friend, my family here at WHL. And a special thank you with love to those who stood by me and held the umbrella for me when the storm was too much to bear. I thank you with all my heart. Peace and Blessings to everyone. Keep well, as all is well...as God will protect and provide for all of us even when the journey we are on is full of obstacles. I don't believe they are placed there to make us stronger but to help us become who we are meant to be. To stand in our truth..to be vulnerable...to fall on our knees because really that is all we have. Love, God, Trust and Ourselves..believe in you.

Thank you Lord my God...Amen.

steve.b
08-22-2013, 08:54 AM
( ( ( h u g s ) ) )

Creekbank
08-22-2013, 05:30 PM
Oluwa,
I am fairly new to this group of wonderful people, but I wanted to let you know you will be in my prayers. I can not imagine the emotional pain you are going through. I believe I would be truly lost if something happened to my husband. As you need support with Lupus, you also need the support of good people through you time of loss and grief.
I hope you find some peace and relief soon.
Creekbank

debbie-b
08-23-2013, 11:45 AM
Oluwa,

I think about you often. I am glad, that you are finding your way. If you want to talk, we are here for you.
How is your health?

Debbie

lucky7
08-23-2013, 03:20 PM
Oh my AMAZING "SUNSHINE"(wink wink).......for you know how much I LOVE YOU and ADMIRE YOU for MANY REASONS and I am SO HAPPY to read what is in your heart......I know you have felt "lost" lately and it breaks my HEART when I cant comfort you in any way in those moments except for with my words to you....I did not read BOTH your threads (from the "beginning" to the post from yesterday) until just now and you made me cry and smile....We only want the BEST for the ones we LOVE and CARE ABOUT and when THEY HURT, WE HURT.....I too hope one day I can FEEL what YOU FEEL in your latest post......I too feel LOST and ALONE at times for my recent loss....I UNDERSTAND PAIN....... yet I am NOT in "that" place and sometimes I feel like I cant ever IMAGINE making it "there"..... I AM HAPPY YOU have made it to this point in your GRIEF and LOSS.......Grief always,yes, BUT,lighter than before......The VERY BIGGEST of HUGS to YOU and JACK.......

Saysusie
08-27-2013, 11:15 AM
Oluwa - my Angel;
That was so very beautiful and thank you for sharing your heart with us. I know that this has been a long long journey for you and that there is still some road ahead. But, know that you do not make this journey alone for God has sent you so many who love you and who want to be here for you.
Thank you for all of the support, love, understanding and joy that you have given to me about the loss of my sweet Lauri. You have meant, and continue to mean so much to me and for that, I love you!
I am glad to hear that your heart is finding some peace. Warm loving hugs, my friend.

Peace and Blessings
Namaste
Saysusie

KathyJo
08-30-2013, 07:37 AM
So sorry may peace come soon to you.

Oluwa
09-03-2013, 10:44 PM
He loved the color green.
He loved the smell of vanilla.
He loved vanilla ice cream.
He loved hot white chocolate.
He loved the fresh powdered snow.
He loved the cold.
He loved that his Mum came to South Carolina.
He loved that he saw his family in the UK.
He loved his Mum.
He loved his Dad....
He loved his sisters.
He loved his brothers.
He loved his nieces and nephews.
He loved scrambled eggs and wheat toast.
He loved my family.
He loved macadamia nut and white chocolate cookies.
He loved Durjay.
He loved Yasmin.
He loved Bello.
He loved a good Merlot.
He loved to laugh outloud.
He loved solving work problems.
He loved medium rare steaks.
He loved Crest toothpaste.
He loved to say Hanukkah Hanukkah.
He loved Carrot Cake.
He loved watching his Magnolia Tree grow.
He loved that he looked like Niyi.
He loved down feather pillows.
He loved to learn.
He loved playing Yahtzee and Rummikub.
He loved cutting his own hair.
He loved to snorkel.
He loved the microwave.
He loved his rubber yard boots.
He loved my turkey stuffing.
He loved working in his PJ bottoms.
He loved to snow ski.
He loved my long hair.
He loved fried plantains.
He loved Tiger Woods game.
He loved his work and coworkers.
He loved Sci-Fi.
He loved for me to clip his nails.
He loved to swim.
He loved bowling with me on Wii.
He loved listening to jazz.
He loved Sierra Mist Soda.
He loved stepping on the back of his house shoes.
He loved sleeping in.
He loved Keri Lotion.
He loved being modest.
He loved finding new places to eat.
He loved when he saved a buck.
He loved Reality TV.
He loved Salsa dancing.
He loved Riley and Pookie.
He loved American Cheeseburgers.
He loved the Cinema Theater.
He loved chasing me about the house.
He loved my Potato Salad.
He loved to make me laugh.
He loved to go to the driving range.
He loved getting calls from his family.
He loved long car drives.
He loved celebrating his birthday.
He loved soft clothes.
He loved his remote control airplane.
He loved to golf.
He loved the nickname Pinhead.
He loved calling me Dingo, Sugar Plum and Lovely.
He loved himself.
He loved me.

BonusMom
09-04-2013, 12:32 AM
What a lovely list, Oluwa. The last two emtries being the absolute most important.

debbie-b
09-04-2013, 02:30 PM
He sounds like a very lovable person.

Debbie

Oluwa
09-04-2013, 11:07 PM
Bola's loves could go on forever...Bola's dislikes list is so, so, much shorter. Bola is loved and missed by me. My heart has been heavy.

I realized today, I think the 'anxiety' I have is actually attacks of a heavy saddened heart. Today, the heaviness... it would tip the scale to the floor and there is not enough Kettle Bells in the world to tilt it the other way.

I have been calling Jack, Riley and when I look down I expect it to be Riley. It is the weirdest thing...to have one foot in today and the other is yesterday.

lucky7
09-07-2013, 12:55 PM
OMG!!! I LOVE YOU "SUNSHINE"! I LOVE the list and so would your Bola...He sounds as BEAUTIFUL as YOU ARE DEAR FRIEND...What a WONDERFUL thing to post...SO SORRY for your PAIN....I CANT say IT enough (as YOU KNOW) LOL...Maybe there is a bit of RILEY in YOUR JACK....Maybe subconciously YOU FEEL THAT...Not so weird at all...Hes your FURRY BABY, as all 3 of them are.....In death as well..It doesnt make you stop being a MOMMY to them... Their spirits are FOREVER WITH YOU....LOVE and ADORE YOU BEAUTIUFUL......

Oluwa
10-05-2013, 09:22 PM
Grief is like recycling..they said it resurfaces. Books, people and my own heart. Recycling to me means, there is no schedule, there are no sequences and it repeats itself and remakes itself, over and over into something new, something old, something used. Liken it to, I was a rubber tree on January 5th and on January 6th I became a byproduct of its many uses and when it is used it is remade and used again..repeating the cycle over and over. I wonder what becomes when the plastic, the latex can not be reused anymore. Its uses have exhausted...what becomes of me? Eventually 'I' will disappear and become dirt?

Yesterday was our wedding anniversary....I didn’t miss you more, or less, Bola. I will always miss you deeply. Love you deeply. I looked at your picture and I still don’t believe you are gone. I cried. Not like a lost wailing baby seal, fragile, frighten in a new world like I use to but that of a woman with such, such…such grief and sadness.


Saw Nancy yesterday, who helps me with pharmaceuticals to with deal with my new found anxiety after Bola died and I asked her is there any hope for any drug to work? EMDR she suggested and to continue with my drug regimen. I will seek that out on Monday.

I wish I could find that part of my personality, who I was before...who was not afraid to be out in life alone, crowds and walk through life with trust, with intuition....and now I feel I have none of these. Maybe I am stuck in grief. Logically I know Bola has died but to really believe with all my heart, it is like a dream, unbelievable. When I look at his picture, something inside me feels I can't accept it. I am afraid to really, really feel it. I have always felt my heart has its own entity. Perhaps, I need to find ways for my heart to accept he is really dead.


My heart feels broken, but I don't know how to gather the pieces to put it back together. Together in some form at least so it beats with thoughts of the future being bright and without thoughts of why, what for and fright. To feel something other than it being fragmented in a pile riddled with pain. How does one gather the pieces that have been so dispersed over and over, through Bola's death, my dear Auntie and my two pets in the same year? How can a heart break so many times without losing a lot of the pieces? Not only did I lose all of them to death, but I also lost those living, some of my family because of their behavior.


Bola died in such a horrible way, the things that happened to his body which the medical examiner reported and what the witnesses told me I create an image in my mind as it is very vivid imagination, with great detail. And being a person with such great empathy, I hurt for Bola. And when he died it was not my life that flashed before my eyes, or my future...it was all what Bola would miss. His future. Then I felt guilty and at times still do for any little disagreement we had. Though I know, it is called just living life. I feel like how could I have wasted any of his precious life, even one nano second over anything when I read the accident report, age 38 (so, so young)...name not released because next of kin has not been notified.


Maybe I feel guilty for not being able to help him, to bring him back to life while he hung out of the door from the SUV... strapped in because of the seat belt and the door was mangled open. Dangling outside the SUV on a freeway, as people looked, gawked, passed by while I was sleeping, where was I. I don't even remember what I was doing at 8:26AM. I did not feel his death at 8:26AM..I think that happens rarely.


Maybe I am angry because though they said he died instantly, why did no one perform CPR? And I know, even if they had he would not come back from the injuries he sustained. And to be told by the time they, the medics arrived he had bled out and there was nothing they could do.


Maybe I am still somehow in shock, denial, PTSD because of how I found out...via the Internet or because of the report, photos, because of the things the investigators, the examiners spoke and wrote of or the lack of family supporting me.


I know all this intellectually and that it can be/is the contributing factor to my anxiety but nevertheless it still rages on. I know the strength of who I was has gotten me this far, but have I really gotten far? I think the girl, me from January 5th, her strength is petering out and that is why I flounder now into the person who was changed forever on January 6th.


People think the worst part of a death is the day knowing, finding out, but I think it is the following day and wakening up to it, whether after a sleep or a long night and seeing the sun rise. I think it is the worst because you realize they never came home last night and may not ever...I say may not because one is in disbelief, then all the ifs and whys filter through as fright settles in.

I hope the weight of despair finds its way back to being a word defined in the Webster dictionary and nothing that I will know personally anymore. One day. If not, tomorrow or perhaps the next..until then I will try to keep my thought busy with mindless games on the Net, playing with Jack, wiping my kitchen down over and over and playing loud music while dancing in my own arms. Imagining.

Shanna
10-05-2013, 10:07 PM
Hi, I too lost my husband in a plane crash in 2006. I don't know if you have read it but, Widow to Widow is a great book, it really helped me. Take care

Oluwa
10-07-2013, 08:28 PM
Shanna..I am sorry you know of such a loss too. My heart has great empathy for you. Head hugs. Be well..O.

Oluwa
12-02-2013, 12:52 AM
My Daddy died 11:55PM EST December 1, 2013. I can't believe he is gone too. I am in disbelief....I love my Daddy.

Nonna
12-02-2013, 10:38 AM
Hug my friend, I grieve with you.

debbie-b
12-02-2013, 02:04 PM
Oh no, Oluwa. I am so sorry for your loss. Many hugs for you my friend.

Debbie

Oluwa
12-14-2013, 03:00 PM
Thank you everyone for your sympathy, empathy....my Daddy fought to the very end. Sometimes the body that houses our spirit is ready to go before our spirit. He is loved by many, many...over 300 came to his service to say their farewells.

Grief is love and I will grieve for him forever. Thank you again for all your kindness and support.

Saysusie
12-14-2013, 06:12 PM
You are so right Oluwa...Our spirits know much more than our bodies do. It is wonderful that your Dad was so loved and respected. Please know that you are in my heart, as always.

Peace and Blessings
Namaste
Saysusie

Oluwa
12-31-2013, 12:59 AM
Thank you, Carlotta. I am originally from a small city in Michigan, so my Daddy was well known. It was overwhelming being in grief and meeting cousins you remember from when you 8 years old. Literally I staggered about, dizzy, overwhelmed as I met them...after awhile I just said, "I see my Daddy's side of the family in your face, I think we are related..I am his 7th born, Marijo." My Daddy has 10 brothers and 1 sister, so that means lots and lots of cousins..and Lupus causing a stir I had to go outside to get fresh air many times. It is all a mental blur but the emotions are still enclosed in my body because it is so hard to let them in, out as I fear to feel what I felt like when Bola died. So, my heart is so encased it is literally busting to crack again. It hurts.

My Daddy was Catholic so the service was a traditional one...literally an all day event. Immediate family viewing, friends and family wake, church service, burial precession, burial service and fellowship.

My Daddy had been on dialysis for 3 years but he succumbed to a heart attack. He had many while on dialysis and lived on nitroglycerin pills and patches...then morphine. It was in a sense expected but you always, always hang onto hope. Hope is what keeps us moving, living. Hopes for a better tomorrow.

To get to my Daddy's home down you have to take a puddle jumper. The airport would not let us land in the U.P. as they were having a snow storm and could not clear the runway fast enough for us to land so, we had to head back to Detroit. But before going to Detroit we had to make an emergency landing in Saginaw because we were running out of fuel. Finally in Detroit...we spent the night and to try it again tomorrow but I changed our tickets to land in another city up there. We made it... Rented a car and drove 90 minutes.

I can't believe my Daddy is gone...much of the time I can't believe Bola, Riley and Pookie are gone too. I miss them all so, so much that I feel like I live in a haze. I love my Jack, he is my saving grace. Without him, Amanda or even my Dad when Bola died..I think I would not be here. He makes me smile and laugh...and feel love in my home.

Be well...Hugs with love...Me.