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Saysusie
02-19-2011, 12:42 PM
My mother has, in the past year, taken 3 tumbles. One, of which, broke both of her ankles and required surgery, meaning she was not ambulatory for 3-4 months. The most recent fall broke her right wrist.
Let me give you a bit of background; My mother is a chronic alcoholic and has been so for all of my life. After her broken ankles, she then began to abuse her vicodine (taking it with her copious amounts of alcohol). She has always denied her drinking problem because she managed to maintain her job until retirement (even though, on several occasions, she was called into the Principal's office because other staff members complained about her smelling like alcohol..instead of doing something about it, she got angry at the other teachers and the Principal). Those of you who are children of alcoholics need not have to be told what kind of life I've had to live. Her alcoholism has now caused severe emotional problems, such as OCD; Paranoia, Anger Issues; Severe Depression, amongst others.
At any rate, she just returned home from the hospital after taking yet another tumble. However, this time, the emergency room doctor confronted her because she was reeking of alcohol. Of course, my Mother still did not tell the truth about the amount of alcohol she consumes...so I DID!! The emergency doctor took he off of all of her pain medications and other meds that react to alcohol because, as she told my mother, "If you don't stop drinking, these combinations are going to kill you!" The emergency doctor told her that she fell because she was "drunk" and on these medications..My mother balked at this, of course, saying that she only has a glass of wine and 2 vicodine's per day (this is when I stepped up and told the doctor the truth).
After this tumble and being released home, she was angry that she had not medications (pain killers mostly) and I poured out 5 gallons of wine and 4 six packs of beer before I went home (this amount would last her 2-3 days at the most!). Since she was unable to go to the store to buy liquor and could not get her pain meds, she essentially was going "cold turkey" off of the substances.
Well, as we all know, going "cold turkey" will make a person extremely ill (De-Tox)..symptoms being shakes, chills, throwing up, headaches, nausea, unable to eat, etc. She called my brother to tell him that she was sick and he immediately told her what was going on. She got angry with him and called 911. Once again.she was taken to the hospital (which is a good thing, because de-toxing without care can kill you).
While in the hospital, she called me to say that she had a bad UTI and that was what was causing the symptoms. I told her that this was probably not the case, but could have added to her problem. She got angry with me saying that it was not de-tox because she is not an alcoholic!
When I went to pick her up and take her home, I asked the nurse what was her prognosis. The nurse said that ONE of the things they found was a UTI and that anti-biotics were helping that. She further stated that SHE did not know exactly what was causing the other nausea issues, but that the doctor would explain everything to us. My mother HIT THE ROOF stating that there are a lot of medical things wrong with her, not just a UTI, that caused the nausea etc. and that the nurse didn't know what she was talking about and she lied and had no business saying anything at all! I took her home and returned home myself. She then called me later to state all of these things again. I tried to re-state what the nurse said, that the UIT was ONE of the things they found, not the only thing, at which point my mother accused me of siding with the nurse, of arguing with her, of never understanding how she feels, of never considering how sick she is (now mind you..I suffer from 4 different diseases myself that dominate my life and, generally, never gives me one full day of relief!). I hung up on her!!
I am so angry..so fed up...so stressed...I just want to scream!! I just cannot do it any longer. At this point, I don't even want to speak to her at all!
This is the same woman who says that she never knew that my daughter was in the hospital dying until after Lauri died! BIG LIE! Lauri and I called her the day Lauri was admitted and told her that she was in the hospital. But do you know that she still repeats this lie to me every time that we talk about Lauri????
I know that she is my mother...but I have had enough! I just cannot help her anymore and I cannot be there for her anymore! I know that this sounds horrible, but I am losing my own ability to care for me because of this constant stress. This is just the tip of the iceberg with reference to the issues between my mother and myself (including allowing a step father to molest me so that she could keep a man!!). I am just finished!!
I am so sorry to lay all of this on all of you, but I had no place else to vent and I appreciate you allowing me to do it here. Forgive the length of this! Thank You for listening/reading
Always
Peace and Blessings
Namaste
Saysusie

Bonita
02-19-2011, 02:09 PM
I am so sorry about the things that you are going through. My father was and alcholic his whole life but was never ugly but did not have much time for us growing up it stemmed from his life as a child and his father and his brothers were also alchoal abusers. He was ahamed of himself and only called me when he was dying and of course i went to the hospital with him where he lay in intensive care six weeks because they could not take him off life support. It really took a lot out of me and i prayed that he found Jesus before he died because we talked to him about it. If you mother does not admitt she has a problem nothing anyone says will matter. I am so sorry to hear that she did not acknowledge your daughters illness and death it must of been hard on you. My mother is 81 and fell this year and broke her hip and had a complete replacement and did very well and then a few months after that she was diagnosised with breast cancer and went through two surgeries and radiation and they say she will be okay. She lives and takes care of my mentally and physically handicapped sister who is 55 and she does not take a lot of advice from my other sister and i. I hope your relationship with your mother improves and she gets the help she needs. Love and prayers Bonita

Angel Oliver
02-19-2011, 02:52 PM
I am glad you shared this with us as its now out and people can help you through this.I am so sorry about whats been going on,i know family can be either very selfish or no help at all.I hope she gets the help she needs and someone can actually get through to her.Sounds like professional help is most certainly is needed.I am sorry what you went through and what you are going through,but try find the time to get away from her and sit n relax and look after yourself too.You have been through allot in your life.Just know i and many others care for you.
Lots of love
Amanda.xxxx

Nonna
02-19-2011, 03:14 PM
Hugs, many hugs and tears shed for you. I just want to hug you and pray that you can find peace. We are here for you as you are here for us

Hunniebun
02-19-2011, 03:17 PM
Oh Saysusie sweety, I know very well how you feel.

Know that this is NOT your fault in any way or is it your problem in any way. Her being your mother does not mean you have to bend over backwards and let her hurt you or put a strain on your own life because she won't change. She needs help, that is clear, and the best thing you can do for her is to keep standing your ground, keep telling the truth, and get her the help she needs whether she likes it or not.
My mother is very abusive, a liar, and very unhealthy herself, and for my sake I had to remove her from my life. She is borderline personality and a dangerous and manipulative person, so she's gone, and gone for good, it's what had to be done, because she will never change.
Your mom still has a chance, and what needs to be given here is tough love. If you chose to no longer see her or be in contact with her, don't think it's wrong because it's NOT.
A BIG hug for you, I know this is very hard and we are all here for you.

tgal
02-19-2011, 03:33 PM
Oh Carlotta there is so much I could say to this but first and foremost I want you to know that I love you. I not only lived with an alcoholic for much of my teens I became an addict myself until the age of 21. I have seen both sides of this and I have to tell you that yours is the hardest side to be on.

Although my biological father was not an addict or alcoholic I lived, like you, in a world of craziness. Your story and the denials of real things that you know happened struck a cord with me and I felt the need to tell you that you are doing nothing wrong. Your mother is grown. She is making her decisions and you have to allow yourself to do that as well. I have not seen my father in almost 25 years and the hardest thing to do was give myself permission to walk away. I couldn't walk away in anger but I couldn't get beyond the anger until I realized that only anger tied me to this person. The other emotions had been killed by his actions long ago and if I could get get beyond the anger then there was nothing holding the relationship together. That allowed me to stop hating and freed me completely.

I know what I am saying sounds cruel but it isn't really. Your mother will go on with her life just as she always has if you are there or not. Of course she will try to make you feel guilty and all the other emotions that have been used to "keep you in place" all these years but it is your choice if you allow it to work. You have a right to be happy and free from abuse and never doubt that this relationship is abusive to you. It not only harms you emotionally but it harms you physically because of your illness. In any other part of our life we decide to be friends with people based on how being with them makes us feel. If they make us unhappy or are damaging to us or our families we don't get close to them. I believe the same criteria should be used for family. There comes a point in every relationship that the balance of good to bad falls completely in the "bad" category. At that time, we either choose to stay and be victims of their abuse or we stand up for ourselves and decide that we deserve better. Carlotta, you deserve better and every person that you have touched with this forum knows that. You have a huge extended family here and, as you know, we don't tolerate any abuse of our WHL family. We believe that each person here deserves a safe haven and we "ban" those that attempt to cause harm. Sometimes we must "ban" people in our real life as well. Not out of anger but out of respect for ourselves and those that love us.

I know what I am saying is hard to do and I don't ever expect someone to do as I say and I will continue to love you no matter what choices you make for yourself. I just know that you deserve only the best and I hope the point comes when your realize that as well {{{hugs}}}

SandyR
02-19-2011, 09:02 PM
I've been worried about you. I haven't seen you around here much and was just getting ready to PM you tonight and then I saw your message and I am so so sorry to hear about all the crap that you have had to deal with. It's so sad that some of our parents are so lost and hurtful. I've walked away from a mentally abusive parent and it's not easy but it will be the best thing you can do for your own health. I'm wrapping you in gentle loving thoughts and prayers my friend. You have given so much love and good to so many and deserve that in return and shouldn't feel bad about sharing on here b/c that's just what you built this place to be - a loving, caring, safe place to share.

lovehubby
02-19-2011, 10:28 PM
I had to let my mother go to. She was no longer heathy for me to be around. You have to think of you and your heath good luck and take care

magistramarla
02-19-2011, 11:09 PM
SaySusie,
I'm so sorry to hear what you have been going through. Like Sandy, I've been wondering where you have been lately and hoping that you weren't having a bad flare.
Why is it that so many of us here have had abusive parents? I also had to cut my mother out of my life when Jeff and I eloped. I had to make a choice between living with the guilt and abuse (usually verbal and emotional, but sometimes physical) that was living with my mother and starting a new life with a young man who loved me and the family that we were about to start. I made the right choice, but she did everything she could to make me feel guilty about it.
When my mother was near the end of her life and was no longer able to take care of herself, I had to step in and put her in a nursing home against her will. It wasn't easy, but it was for the best. Could this be possible in your case? If she is injuring herself and can't control her own medications, could you and your brother claim that she is medically incompetent and place her into some sort of facility? That is what I had to do.
As everyone else has said, I'm here for you and I understand only too well. Take care of yourself, sweetie. Don't let this affect your own health.
Love and Hugs,
Marla

BonusMom
02-19-2011, 11:11 PM
Saysusie-

As an ACOA and the former spouse of an alcoholic, I share your pain and understand your frustration.

You are not responsible for your mother. She has made and continues to make poor choices. Until she admits she has a drinking problem and gets help, I wouldn't do anything for her. I know it would be extremely difficult, especially if she's calling and begging/guilting you in to helping her. If it's easier, screen your calls. Start going to ACOA meetings for support.

Make yourself and your health your number one priority, Saysusie. You mean the world to us.

jmail
02-20-2011, 08:54 AM
Hey there Saysusie...

I can empathise with you somewhat. I'm a recovering alcoholic. My youngest brother is also. We will always be "recovering". One of our other brothers is dead from it. The alcoholic denies there's a problem, and will rationalize their situation and what they do. You don't want to be an "enabler", and if that means cutting the strings, cut the strings. State the facts and turn and walk away. Tell your mom that if she wants to accept responsibility for her situation, that you'll help her out. Until she does that, tell her to not bother you or your family. Do like BonusMom says, and join a group and talk with others. Then pray and pray some more. Only God can truly "intervene". We'll all be praying for you and yours here.

Oluwa
02-20-2011, 11:02 AM
Oh, Honey Bunny...head hugs.........squuuueeze. I am so sorry you are going through this, and all during your life...hugs

We can love our mothers, fathers and siblings from afar or just give them respect as a human being. I don't think we are required to coddle and care for them while they destroy themselves. Please, don't own her problem. She sounds like she was a functioning alcoholic all her life and now the walls are caving in. Let them cave so she can build another structure, a solid relationship with you...People have to hit rock bottom before they see how low they are and sometimes they may think there is room to go even lower. Be ready for that...don't own her problem.

Though little girls grow up and be mothers, doctors, lawyers and etc...we still feel the need to have our Moms. I am sorry that she has not been there for you.

Be strong. Protect your heart. Protect your family. And live without guilt. You are a wonderful, beautiful, giving, caring daughter, mother and friend. Set boundaries and live your life.

Sing to God...Sing of your pain...sing loud....be Carlotta.

I love you.
Oluwa

rob
02-20-2011, 03:31 PM
Carlotta,

Like others here, I too can understand the damage and hurt that an alcoholic can inflict upon those around them. The person in my life who brought much hurt, has been sober for over 10 years now. Unfortunately, this is just an exception, and not the rule.

Whatever you need to do to protect your own health and mental well-being is the priority. It's a tough, sometimes tragic situation, and I'm sorry that on top of everything else, you have to deal with this too. You don't deserve this.

Rob

kim,l
02-20-2011, 08:27 PM
dear saysusie i am so sorry you are going through this i know what alcohol can do as i am dealing wih my sons alcoholism right now i wish you all the best and many hugs lots of love take care of yourself and do what feels right for you hugs kiml

debbie-b
02-21-2011, 05:13 AM
Dear Carlotta,

First of all, let me tell you how sorry I am, that you have to go through all this.
It is amazing to me, how after you have been through so much, you could be the awesome lady you are now.
I agree with everybody here, that your mom needs help, but you are not the one who can or should provide it for her.
I would totally understand, if you would distance yourself from her. The way she is now, is toxic for you and your health.
I wish you all the strength in the world.

Debbie

tiggerlishus - Heidi
02-22-2011, 03:31 AM
Oh saysusie it brought a tear to my eye and a lump in my throat to see what pain you been going throu!! as child and teen i lived throu my mum extremely depressed and trying to commit susuide several times i know nothing like your experience i know but i wanted to share with your not alone!

i had to learn to look out for my mum i had to look out for myself first if your not at your best when they finally admit they need help then you can't give the best sort of help and support!! if this means that you have to put some space between you for now till she relises then so be it! it doesn't mean you love her any less its like someone else said tough love!! she is big enough to make her choices and its not till she hits that rock bottom on her own that she will reach out!

and like tgal said just remember we love and any time you want to rant we are hear to listen like when you are for us!! xxx

Saysusie
02-22-2011, 07:50 PM
Thank you SOOOO Much everyone! I have had to take several days of having absolutely no contact with my mother at all. I needed time to wrap my head around what I KNOW I must do. That is, pretty much, exactly what each of you have suggested. I need to confront her with the truth..about her drinking; how it has affected me, how her treatment of me has affected me, and that I will no longer allow her to use guilt to make me succumb to her.
I have to give much love to my brother who, each time that I need him to, steps up to the plate and allows me to distance myself from my mother and who ALWAYS supports me! I feel guilty about leaving him to deal with her on his own. However, their relationship is 180% different because (for all intents and purposes) he ignores her, doesn't respond to her when she says mean, cruel things, and doesn't challenge her..cuz he never listens to what she says anyway :-)
I want to thank each and every one of you for you loving, understanding, and truly supportive responses. Including OLUWA who, in her loving way and in the midst of her own suffering, found the time to respond to my issues.
Thank You All...My Family...for being there for me~
With Love
Saysusie

magistramarla
02-22-2011, 09:28 PM
SaySusie,
Thinking of you tonight.......
Love and Hugs,
Marla

SandyR
02-24-2011, 11:10 AM
how're you doing Carlotta? How're things with the mom situation?

red246
02-24-2011, 06:25 PM
Carlotta,

I can't wrap my head around all that is going on inside, but know that my thoughts and prayers are headed your way! (((HUGS)))

tgal
02-24-2011, 07:47 PM
Just letting you know that I am thinking about you. I hope things are going better for you. Never forget how much you are loved and appreciated here

Nonna
02-25-2011, 03:57 AM
I'm with Mari on that thought; we love you and appreciate all that you do. Wish we could meet and harmonize. Hugs for you!

Good Thoughts
Prayers and Love
Toni

tiggerlishus - Heidi
02-26-2011, 04:13 AM
yer same here been checknig back each day to see any updates make sure your ok lots of over the pond cyber love and hugs xxx

slim
02-26-2011, 05:02 AM
hi saysusie, Im sorry you are going through so much with your mom, and I if you need to scream go ahead and scream it helps sometime just to let out some frustration. I had to stop speaking to my mom for different reasons than yours and that lasted for about a year. During that time I was so angry, no one could get me to speak about her I was just so dissapointed and couldnt fathom why she was the person she was. I blamed her for many things that happened to which shouldnt have happened to a child if she was the mother that should have been.I am the person that i am due to these things . I confronted her and told her how I felt and someone else told her what had happened to me because i couldnt do it. I speak to my mom regularly and have come to the realisation that i will probably never tell her everything but i forgave her in order to move on. I think my mother loves me but ours wasnt the usual mother daughter relationship . We still have our ups and downs but I refuse to let anyone abuse me and neither should you. In life we get to choose our friends but we dont get that option when it comes to family, but we can choose who we let into our lives. I think you need to stop all contact with your mom until she gets healthy. You and your sanity comes first and everything else comes after. Its a hard thing to do but its necessary. I truly hope your mother can save herself first from her addiction and then save the relationship she has with you. I have read some of your postings and you always have something inspiring to say and I hope in this challenging time that you keep you faith and hang on. Eventually it will be ok. I tend to talk too much but i send you the best wishe to you . slim

froggal
02-26-2011, 12:04 PM
Thank you so much for feeling like you could share this story. It actually makes me feel closer to you, knowing we have more in common now than just lupus. We love you! You have made one of the hardest decisions a person can make when dealing with an addict . . . you have stopped enabling her. Tough love is such a hard thing to stand by, but so worth it. You have suffered enough at the hands of your mom, let go and be free! You deserve to be happy and not always worrying about the next fall, stumble, or trip to the doctor. I am so happy for you!!! You have taken a great step in not only helping your mother to heal, but also yourself. You know I love you and I am always here for you!!

Saysusie
03-04-2011, 11:42 AM
Thank You, Everyone, for all of your love and support. As of this date, I still have not spoken with my Mother. I do not think that I can speak to her right now and, as horrible as it may sound, I am so relieved at not having that stress in my life right now.
I have no regrets about the decision that I've made, in fact, I feel a bit "free" (for the lack of a better term). Slim, as you stated, I feel so betrayed by my Mother for the years that she did not protect me. Like you, someone else may have to tell her exactly what happened to me due to her failure. However, part of my anger lies in the fact that I am certain that she knows. Looking back on it, there is absolutely no way that she could not know..so forgiveness is not in the near future.
I know that there is a long road ahead, with reference to our relationship. But, from now on, it is going to be on my terms; minus the guilt, minus the stress, minus the pain!
Thank You All Again...I cannot express how much you all mean to me and how deeply I care for each and every one of you.

Peace and Blessings Always
Saysusie

SandyR
03-04-2011, 12:07 PM
I'm giving you a standing ovation right now. Do you hear me cheering and clapping? I've been told at professional football games that my cheer from the stands can be heard at the 50yd line so if you listen closely you might hear me. I know this wasn't an easy choice but hooray for making you your own priority. (((hugs)))

tgal
03-04-2011, 12:38 PM
You brought tears to my eyes remember the day I said "enough:. I have not spoken to my father since I was 18 and, you are correct, it is freeing. You deserve better Carlotta and I am glad you are standing up for yourself

Never forget how much we love and appreciate you

iseedeadmonkeys
03-04-2011, 03:04 PM
Oh chuck,

I am soo sorry to hear about all of this, but what u are doing is right, im trying not to sounds nasty and know she is your mother, but seriously what goes around comes around, i strongly beleive that, you are such a lovely lady Carlotta and the fact that all this bad has happened to you in the past, has made you who you are today, you obv grew up knowing you would never make the same mistakes as she did with her children/you, only 1 in 8 people who are abused as children carry on into their adult lives, like you i had issues with a family member who sexually abused me from 8 years old, and my way of dealing with it was hitting the bottle at 16 it was only cause of lupus that i eventually had to stop drinking altogether (thankfully) i now can deal with my past by reading and listening to others stories, reading ures brought alot of my past up...but thats a good thing time is a great healer and so is friends.
So you stick to your guns hun, she will eventually (maybe) realised she only had herself to blame.

Take care mate
xxx