View Full Version : Out of 13 Children, WHY ME???
02-05-2011, 04:51 PM
Some of you know my story. I am the 9th child of 13 children and I am the only one diagnosed with Lupus. I am 46 years old and I feel like I have been cursed. I believe in GOD very strongly but this one thing I cannot get over. WHY? Because lately, I have had so many problems. Left hip pain; bones rolling around in my right knee; coughing for two weeks (again); pain in my chest; a-fib; headaches from hell; told I have two aneurysms; fibromyalgia; sjogrens; discoid and sle; lesion on my right eye that comes and goes as it pleases; memory loss; out of control anger flares; depression; etc. I am so mad right now that I just want to disappear but I know I really don't want to disappear. I don't take any meds prescribed because most of what is prescribed, makes me sick. I should be taking the blood thinners but I think I have a secret desire to die. I am not really wanting to die, but I think somewhere in my mind I look to death for relief. Not really, though. Sometimes I just feel that way. I am just really mad now and I need help. I am scared to go to a shrink. Yall know what I am feeling? I am sure you do. I will be ok in a couple of days.
02-05-2011, 05:05 PM
Hang in there, yes I have been at times when I thought the same, what did I do to deserve this?, I pray that you have some family understaning and support, I know my wife and daughter seem to always be able to put a smile on my face. Then there are times when I just need to be left alone. If ther is anything at all I can do for you please send me a message. I am praying for you, God bless. Jim.
02-05-2011, 05:08 PM
Thank you so much Jim. I am a woman of faith in GOD, I just seem to be in this funk right now. I know it is partly because I am home doing nothing. I do know that I will come out of this stronger than before. It helps to know that I have someone who REALLY UNDERSTANDS, praying for and encouraging me. Thank you again and GOD bless you JIM.
I know your story, and I know how you feel. I ask "why me" for different reasons, but at the end of the day, the effect is the same. Why do I have to have two of the scariest autoimmune disorders known to man? Isn't one enough?
And, like you, sometimes I descend into a dark hole that's awfully hard to escape from. Oluwa calls it "The Stupid Hole". It's a place where anger, depression, and bitterness over all that has been lost and can seemingly never be regained can tear a person up. I know it does me if I let it. There was a point, not long after my SLE diagnosis, where I found myself alone and with no hope, and I took my thoughts of an early death beyond just thinking about it. That was the worst decision I ever made, and the worst day of my life.
I survived that horrible day, and my own terrible decision, and I still think about it every day. I think about it, because of what I now have in my life. Seven years ago I lost everything because of this damn thing called Lupus-no more friends, no more career, no more love, no purpose, nothing. I thought that I could never get any of those things back. It was just too much. To work so hard at all aspects of life only to have the rug so suddenly and coldly pulled out from under you. But today, despite SLE and MS, I have so much to be thankful for. There are new friends, new love, renewed family ties, and new interests. I would have missed out on all of this had I been successful that terrible day.
What I'm trying to say, is that no matter how deep and dark that hole is at the moment, it really is only temporary. No matter how low of a point you hit, there is still hope. Hope for some peace, and some acceptance. Hope for learning new ways of living, and new ways of coping. Happiness can still happen despite it all.
I know that I have been in this place more than once. 2 years ago I thought that I had my life planned out and then they began to figure out exactly why I had been feeling bad. From that moment on my life turned upside down. Everything that I thought I knew was tossed aside for this unknown and unkind world that I now find myself living in. The good news came when I found this place. A place where people have gone through exactly what I am and know that I won't be in a funk forever. A place where people know that I am not lazy or crazy or simply mean when I hit that place of anger. I found a new family that I adore more than words can say.
It does get better. The mental part of all of this really does get better. You have a right to cry, vent, yell and be angry and when you get it out you can move beyond it. We are here to be your shoulder whenever you need us because you are part of our family now.
Its okay to be mad and feel cursed but not to the point of wanting to die.Depression is okay as long as you are able to snap out of it. their is nothing wrong with seeing a shrink. I was also one who use to think shrinks are for others but talking with someone else helps because you can say anything and not be judged. It doesnt hurt to try. you should go back to you doctor and see what other meds. can be prescribed with fewer side effects. as to the why me question here is how i see it. would you wish this illness on any of your siblings, friends, or even an enemy my answer would be no. i also am the only one in my family with this illness. so please dont let this illness win i know its tough and i break down, cry and get tired of the pain but i eventually pick myself up and keep moving because i have my family and myself to live for. Please take your blood thinners blood clots are no joke it can kill you... Take a deep breath and exhale it will be ok. Try taking yoga its a good stress reliever. Ill keep you in my payers and wishing you all the best. hope to hear back from you. slim
02-06-2011, 06:28 AM
At one point or another, I am sure we have all thought, WHY ME?
Not that we would wish this on our siblings.
I want to stress what Slim says, please take your bloodthinners.
Keep coming here, venting to people who understand what you are going through, is a tremendous help.
You are in my prayers.
Please don't give up.
02-06-2011, 07:01 AM
To Debbi, Slim, Mari, Rob, and Jim,
Thank you for replying to my post. I am feeling better at the moment. I did have a cry with my husband and he sort of understands. He actually has been excellent through this last bout. I just need to ge through this and I will be ok (until the next time which seems to come faster). I will take my meds (which I hate doing) but I don't really want to die so I better git to gittin'. Thank you everybody, again, for all your support and ((((((((( ))))))))))