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View Full Version : It never ends, help please



Hunniebun
01-31-2011, 11:30 PM
I don't even know if anyone can give me an answer, I just need a safe place to vent. This is going to be a long read.


To bring the story up to speed, my mom has a lot of problems. She has abused myself, and my 3 other siblings all our lives, the vast majority of it being mental abuse with religion included, and there is also some physical and sexual abuse that was done to me. She has done some terrible things, one example being her having an affair with a 19 year old when she was still married to my father, then that 19 year old sexually assaulting my sister, then he attempted to rape me, while my mother WATCHED and said it was okay and I should let him do this (see how nuts she is yet?). There is more but I don't want to go into more detail right now...

I am now 24 and I have wanted nothing to do with her for years, but she has still been lingering around because my sister wasn't able to stop seeing her for a long time, she was afraid and just didn't have the guts or the will to break the contact until recently. A few weeks ago my mother contacted all 4 of us demanding our social security numbers, and would not tell us why she needed them. We all said no, we will not give them to you, and she kept harassing and harassing, especially my sister who was still the only one seeing her. She would call every day more than 3 times a day, would text my sister constantly, asking over and over for my SIN number and hers. My sister finally had had enough, she finally decided to no longer see our mother and all 4 of us personally told our mother to LEAVE US ALONE, and to not contact us anymore at all in ANY way, or we would have to take the next step.

She hasn't listened to our wishes, which is not surprising. Her husband (my step father) has now gotten himself involved in this, and is trying to take us to court, which makes NO sense to me. We are all adults, we have chosen NOT to see her, how on earth can we be forced? It makes no sense! She's hurt me so badly, all my life, and she's hurt my siblings too, and my father. We have told her over and over what she has done, and why we don't want to see her, but she always plays the victim and acts like she doesn't know, or uses the excuse that she "doesn't remember".

She does not work, she says she is sick and she is not. She has tried to get disability and has been denied, she has tried to get welfare and has been denied. She makes up all sorts of diseases and goes to all sorts of doctors trying to get diagnosed with anything and everything. She even tried to tell me that I do not have Lupus or RA (when I do, and I have REAL proof), that it is all in my head and it is absurd that I got approved and I am stealing tax money by being on this support), and she believes she deserves it and I do not, and she is also looking for caregivers, she personally believes since we are her kids we MUST see her, and we MUST take care of her.

My father facebooked my step dad asking him nicely to leave us alone, he did not threaten or anything, and my step father's reply was this: (he is swedish and has very bad english)

"Sir....
This mater not only concerns me,but soon it will concern a lot of more people as I am going to get to the bottom of this mater by what ever means are available whit in the laws of Canada.
If in fact there are proven abuse in this situation,that is going to be determent by professionals and legal personals,and the situation is going to be dealt with in a professional mater,and who ever needs to be taken to task or get treatment will receive attention
If (I erased my mothers name here) is in fact doing what you claim then she is going to need some serious treatment in what ever form that the law recomend:
Do you have a problem with that?

There is nothing he can do, right? I don't understand how he could make us go to court or force us to charge our mother or tell a judge what happened when we DON'T WANT TO and just want to never see her again and get on with life. This is driving me NUTS, it's the most stupid thing ever and I just want it to end, I'm so SICK of this bull****! We did not threaten her illegally, we have not done anything wrong, we just told her to leave us alone, and if she does not, legal action will be taken such as a no contact order or a peace bond because she's HARASSING US. We've already gone to the courthouse once and what they told us to do was exactly what we did, to tell her again and once and for all, to leave us alone.

My step dad has no right to do anything, I don't know what he believes he can force or do about this, it just seems to me he's tired of having her as a wife and is looking for a way to unload her.

God I'm so frustrated and stressed...

Angel Oliver
02-01-2011, 12:35 AM
Hunniebun.

My heart goes out to you and your sister for having such an evil Mother who is selfish and only bothered about her own needs.You have endured the terror and abuse which is unacceptable for a child.This man is a monster too! DONT give your mother any numbers,but instead inform the police.If they continue to harrass you,i know its hard as she is your mother,but you can get an injuction out on her so she can not contact you or your sister.If they think they can go to a court and demand monies from you,they are living in la la land.Also,if they take you to court do they think they can get away with attempted rape and sexual assult on their children,step children? The answer is NO!!!! They also can not tell a court that you are not sick when a doctor is there for you to diagnose you.She would also be examined and bloods taken to proove she is pretendig to be sick.
You have both been very strong living through all this.My advice would be first to inform the police in this matter and both you and sister need to write a statement of your life and what you have endured.
Other members here have been in a similiar situation.I am glad your dad is trying to help you by getting these evil people from harrassing you.In a way i think they are both bullies as they know they are not entitled to anything you or your sister get.Do you really think they can take you to court? Because from what i see is a pair of bullies,evil sexual preditors who are calling your bluff because they would not want to go to court if there was chance you or your sister would speak up about their evil behaviour.
If you dont want to inform the police i am sure there is someone,a telephone number of someone who can help you with all this.
Please keep posting and know we all care about you.This all shouldnt be happening and it needs to stop now.Let me know how you are today.

lots of gentle hugs
Amanda.xxxx

Hunniebun
02-01-2011, 01:31 AM
Thank you Angel,

I'm sorry I didn't make it as clear as I should have. My step dad is not the 19 year old my mom had an affair with when my parents were still married. This happened 10 years ago, so did the assaults. My mom is married to an almost 70 year old man and she has been for I believe a year or more now. What I can't figure out is why he thinks he has any say at all when it comes to us...I just don't get this, I can't get my brain around it, besides the fact that it is extremely crazy. I don't want to charge my mother because I'm tired of court, I already went through it when my parents divorced, and also my sister went through it when she was assaulted and had the bravery to tell the police (I didn't because mom had a hold of me and wouldn't let me go, when my parents split my dad left me behind and planned to come back for me, but my mother took me away to Alberta where he couldn't find me). My sister lost the case because our mother testified against her, saying she was a liar and also forced me to write a statement saying she was lying or else she'd hurt me, which still haunts me to this day. I DO NOT want to go through court again, nor do I have to or can anybody force me to. I want her to leave me alone, plain and simple, but she can't seem to leave it at that and now has her grandpa of a husband joining the nuts party...
I haven't been able to sleep properly at night for weeks, I have nightmares, I can't stop thinking about all of this, I'm running really high stressed. Sometimes, as morbid as this may sound, I wish she'd just die, because that seems like its the only way she will ever stop.

Angel Oliver
02-01-2011, 01:50 AM
Ah i see Hunniebun.I so understand why you wouldnt want to go through it all again,bringing it all up once more.You can get help with this and stop her from harrassing you.Please keep posting as others will help you im sure.
Just know im thinking of you n always here.
lots of love
Amanda.xxxx

tgal
02-01-2011, 05:56 AM
I wish I knew more about the laws in Canada but since I don't I did want to just post and give you a {{{{hugs}}}}. I hope everything works out for you!

mountaindreamer
02-01-2011, 05:20 PM
hi hunniebun,

i can't believe that you are having to endure her abuse once again. so sorry that you and your siblings are going through this. I agree with the police, file an injunction against her stopping her from having any contact with you all. this will stop her from harrassing you, plus it will show the judge (if it ever goes to court), that you do not want your mother in your lives. and, as adults, surely it is still your right to choose who you associate with.

like mari said, i am not familiar with canadian law, but i just can't imagine that your "step-dad" has any place to go with all of his threats. Let him spend a ton of money getting psychological tests done on your mom, and then maybe he will go away.

astrid40
02-01-2011, 05:45 PM
what you have been through is horrrendous, these things should never happen, but unfortunately they are more common than anyone thinks, it can happen to anyone, lawyers ,doctors even priest and also so much stranger for people to understand is how a mother can be so callous and abusive. it must hurt so bad, my heart goes out to you, you must not absorb all the comments she makes, you know for yourself she is definately not right in the head. you know the truth, it will take a long time to heal but as time passes it will feel better. you wont ever forget or forgive maybe, some people do but try to just forget her she is not worth your thoughts. i know this will be hard as we are supposed to love our parents no matter what but she doesnt deserve you. spend time looking after yourself, pamper yourself in the things you love doing lay in bed read a magazine, have tea relaxed. soak your feet, whatever bakes you biscuit as they say, but forget her she is not worth the excess energy you are using, thinking of you and sending courage and huge hugs to you astrid40xoxo

BonusMom
02-01-2011, 08:20 PM
Sounds like your family needs a restraining order against your mother and her husband. So sorry she has allowed others to abuse you and your sisters. Her drama will continue to cause you and your family stress until you put a stop to it by severing all communication with her.

I, like the others who have posted, am unfamiliar with Canadian laws, but encourage you to seek a protective order through your local courts.

Hunniebun
02-01-2011, 08:47 PM
My father took us all down to the courthouse and we asked what we had to do to serve her with a peace bond or a restraining order, and the way it works now is that we need to have a list of reasons why we no longer want this person near us or to contact us, write it all down how many times they bother and harass you, and then bring it to the police. OR, to get it started right away, we can find things to charge her with from the past, which I don't want to do because I was hoping to get an order on her without charging her, but they don't do that.
So basically I/we avoid her as best we can, don't answer her calls (I don't want to change my phone number) and just write down each time she tries to contact us so it's documented. She has been told to not contact us so we are supposed to document any time she does after the date we told her to no longer contact us. If she continues she can be charged for harassment, but otherwise there is nothing else that can be done unless I want to go ahead and charge her for past things. I know she will deny everything and it will go to trial and it will be dragged on and on and on and I just don't want to go through that.
But what I am more worried about is what my step dad is up to, or what he thinks he can do "legally" about this. That's what I don't get, and I have a feeling I will be summoned to court by him and her to speak to them or to tell a judge what's going on, when I still don't want to, nor should I even have to go.

It's just so...Painful and stressful and scarey and just, I'm so tired of it, she's already ruined most of my life as it is and I know I can have a much better one without her, but she won't accept that, she's INSANE.

Bench
02-02-2011, 01:33 AM
Wow Hunniebun, I don't even know if I have any words of wisdom. This is such a difficult situation for you and although I may not have the right words right now I am here to offer some support if you need it. I'm pretty sure the only way you could be FORCED to court is if your Mom made a civil suit against you OR the crown decided to press charges against her.. in which case you may be asked to testify *this is only coming from an experience I had*
If the crown does make you testify you could make a "victim impact statement" which could be read by the crown or yourself directly to your Mother... this sounds funny, but I wish I would have read mine to the guy being prosecuted in hindsight..it's very therapeutic. The victim impact statement is just a chance for you to say to your Mom how her actions or lack there of have "impacted" you and it is up to you how much information you disclose.. it is also used when the judge is determining a sentence.
I completely understand why you dont want this court stuff to drag on and on like it seems to do. It seems like she is going to keep hurting you if she isn't willing to leave you alone even after all of this court talk though so would a little reality check be useful for her? What if you told her the consequences of her actions could be jail time and you are willing to testify against her unless she removes herself from your life until she is healthy. I don't think that kind of abuse you have endured so long is necessary anymore. She needs to respect some boundaries and if the law is the only thing that is going to enforce them then you may not have a choice.. court may be the only option. I guess it comes down to weighing the long-term benefits vs. the short-term hassle and stress (which I am not underestimating by any means)
Anyway, that's a whole lot of mumbo-jumbo when all i really wanted was to say I am here if you want to vent some more. I will check on this post again tomorrow and see how you're holding up. Please please please just remember we're all here for you and it's your back we got!!!!
take care and try to do something for yourself tonight

SandyR
02-02-2011, 08:42 AM
(((hugs))) hunnie. you really have been through the wringer with your mom. She sounds like someone I would want to keep out of my life if I were you too. I think Angel gave you really sound advice. You should notify the police that she is attempting to obtain your Social Security number without your consent. She is obviously hatching some sort of a plan and based on what you have said about her past performance and the way she is acting now I doubt this plan is of benefit to your or your siblings. I understand your not wanting to bring up the past abuse and start a lawsuit with her and like you I don't understand what your stepfather is hoping to gain from trying to sue you and your siblings, but as hard as it may be to endure that I would think that his case isn't going to get very far as you have stated that you are all legal adults and therefore able to independently decide on who to involve in your lives. If you don't already have a lawyer perhaps your father can help you find one. It would help you to have someone in your corner who knows the law and can make sure it's working for you and not against you. Also - I don't know what phone service you have - you can probably call the phone company and block your mom and stepdad's numbers from calling your phone. If you use Verizon cell, I know you can do this on their website.

Hunniebun
02-02-2011, 01:07 PM
Thank you everybody for your kind words and replies and support. I know a lot of you will not know the Canadian laws, I'm just looking for mental support I guess, because this is hurting me bad and stressing me to no end.
This idea my mom and step dad have is definitely not for the benefit of us, it's for her only. We also told the police that she demanded our social insurance numbers and they said it was probably just for taxes so not to worry (like, what?!).
I don't have a lawyer because we haven't gotten to that point yet but I am seeing my counselor today in under an hour and I am going to update her with everything that's been happening and see if she has any advice for me and to also see if she can gather any legal advice or help as well.
I really hope I don't get summoned to civil court to testify, I don't want to do ANYTHING. This is so freaking crazy...

tgal
02-02-2011, 01:24 PM
We are always here for you whenever you need us! My fingers are crossed that all goes well for you

SandyR
02-03-2011, 08:12 AM
what did your counselor advise?

debbie-b
02-03-2011, 08:30 AM
Hunniebun,
First of all, I am sorry that you had to go through all that and still going through alot.
I can't imagine a great country like Canada, would force anybody to have contact with family members if they have no desire to do so, you are not a child, you can do what you want.
I am sure this guy is just blowing hot air. What kind of judge would even consider this kind of law suit? I mean you are in Canada, not in IRAN.
Try not to worry about having to go to court, I don't see that happening.
Make sure you don't give her your SSN.
Can you block her # from your phone?

Debbie

Hunniebun
02-03-2011, 01:40 PM
My counselor said there's really nothing that she or he can do. Yeah she also said she really doesn't see a judge even considering this kind of thing. I personally don't see it happening, but I still worry a little bit anyway...It's so stressful and painful, this is my MOTHER...Man...I will update if anything does happen, but for now all I can do is wait.
I never gave her my SIN number but somehow she already had it, so I don't even know now why she was demanding them, it's very confusing and weird. I'm pretty sure I can block her from calling me, but she hasn't done it for a while now.

This is the latest e-mail my step dad sent my dad. I told him to just quit talking to him and this is a load of rubbish, but my dad's still freaking out anyway.

"sorry to here that you don't want to be part of trying to clear this situation
but there a allegations of abuse of a serious nature,and sooner or later this is going to be become public knowledge,and all the people that made the allegations could be faced with no choice,but to come out with it in a public forum
Believe me,this is not about me having some tirade agenda,it's about setting things straight,and stopping the "bleeding"
If they think they can just turn over a new leaf,whit out resolving this problem,I think that would be a mistake
(removed name) got nothing more to lose at this time,she told me and that really concerns me
I really don't think you understand how bad this kind of situation can get,and to think it just going to go away,could be wishful thinking on everyone's behalf , but I guess we have to see.
I do not want to aggravate the situation,just trying to prevent thing's to get even worse"

SandyR
02-03-2011, 02:49 PM
My immediate impression on what your stepfather wrote is that it is BS filled with obvoius contradictions. That said, it sounds like your counselor gave you some good advice. I can say from experience it is hard cutting a toxic person out of your life, especially when they are your parent. But I have come to realize that being a parent isn't in itself an entitlement to do whatever you want to your children or to having access or a relationship with them. Good parentING is what will do that. Unfortuntately, you and I have a parent that did not show us good parenting. It's hard to stick to your guns and keep this person out of your life without guilt, especially when from day 1 you were told to love and honor and uphold them and doing those things seems like what you should still be doing, even knowing that doing those things didn't prevent or cause your current relationship situation with that parent. Like you, I have the complication of having other siblings and some sibling abuse involved. Like you, my parent is constantly showing how manipulative and controlling they are with different schemes. It really affects so many every day little things. I don't even use my real last name on FB b/c I don't want that parent using my page to access information about other family members that have also discontinued ties with them. If you ever want to talk more about this, feel free to PM me. I totally understand.

mountaindreamer
02-03-2011, 03:44 PM
hi hunniebun,

when i read your step-dad's last email, my immediate opinion is that he is trying to use scare-tactics to force you to let your mom back in....he is basically threatening you to forgive her, or he will take your horrible family life public....i don't think he plans on any lawsuit, i think he is just trying to scare you.....he is abusive just like your mother....maybe they deserve each other.

walk away, look straight ahead, and don't look back.....

Hunniebun
02-03-2011, 10:59 PM
Thanks so much guys, I really appreciate the opinions and support. I really hope this is all BS and he's just being an asshole and nothing will happen, but all we can do is just wait and see I guess. Not sure what he means by making it public, like, what's he really going to do, tell random people that I label my mother as an abuser?
I hope I can sleep better tonight, I'm exhausted, my mind just won't shut down.

Hunniebun
02-05-2011, 05:13 PM
Going to put this on the back burner and just try to move on. I finally got my dad to calm down and not let this bother him as much as it has been. He's really been letting it bother him to the point where he's making himself sick, and that's not worth it. I told my doctor about all of it and he too agree's that there isn't anything "legally" they can do, and none of it will fly. He also upped the dose of my antidepressants to help me through this and stay feeling ok and sane.

Thank you everybody for the support, I appreciate it very much. And Sandy, thank you for offering to let me PM you.

Hunniebun
02-15-2011, 04:06 PM
So far nothing has happened, making me believe more and more that it was just all empty threats. We might also be moving which will be wonderful because then my mom will have no idea where we are, and it's way on the other side of town from her place so here's hoping...

magistramarla
02-17-2011, 02:25 PM
Good luck, Hunnie
I dealt with an abusive mother, too. Moving is a great way to get away from much of her influence. I married a military man, so I moved far away from her and didn't have to put up with her on a daily basis. It is difficult to totally cut off any relationship with a parent, though. It's hard to have to say it, but I felt a great relief when she passed away.
Like everyone else here, I'm here if you need to vent.
Stay strong!
Hugs,
Marla

Hunniebun
02-18-2011, 02:37 PM
Thanks Marla, I honestly will feel a great relief when she passes away too, she's just only 47, so...I can't hang onto that, as morbid as it sounds. I don't like having to walk around always looking over my shoulder incase she's there to pounce on me. I also don't want to leave the city I live in because I really like it here, we just want to move farther away as we currently only live a few blocks apart, and it's too close.

slim
02-20-2011, 08:20 AM
Wow that is some really morbid crap for anyone to go through none the less a child. I know how you feel believe it or not been their and I wont talk about it brings out too much emotions and that i wont deal with it. I get the wishing a parent was dead so as not to deal with it so that emotion in my opinion is fine. My situation is like your except it was my parent wasnt aware that the people whom they brought in my life was doing all these things and wasnt their enough as a parent to prevent this . Any ways I say cut all ties period and get a restraing order against her and if she is trying to get aid she might plead that she is mentally unstable which would get her a check and if you are called in to testify then yes you could be supoena to testify or be in contempt of court. Until that happens I say have nothing to do with her she is evil mom or not .My best advice is to see a psychatrist to help with healing yourself, I sa

Hunniebun
02-21-2011, 09:28 PM
Thanks Slim, but I have been seeing a therapist for a long time now and I am also on anti depressants, they both have been a tremendous help, but even with that, it still hurts no matter what.