View Full Version : The internal battle

12-22-2010, 06:45 PM
i would like to know how many of you are, or have been, in 'internal' conflict.
i am new to this site, so, perhaps this has been discussed already. but here goes...
do you ever find yourself thinking 'i just need to focus', or 'i should just pull myself up by my bootstraps', 'this is all in my head...if i could just get right with myself...', or even, 'i'm such a weenie!!! i need to grow some, and get on with it!'. does anyone else go through this?
when someone comes to a site like this with feelings of worthlessness, feelings like 'why am i even alive, i am just a burden', etc., we are all so quick at pointing out how meaningful they are, and that they are not at all worthless, but that they are ILL!
but, even as we type, do we in fact feel/fear this ourselves?
my husband made a comment today, in reference to my garb (sweats, t-shirt, robe).
he looked at me and said something along the lines of 'the eternal patient, wandering the hospital halls...".
i was really hurt. i know i look like hell, and i dress the way i do for some level of comfort in these bad days of flaring. still...
the guilt set in.
this c-mas, i have encouraged him to go to his family gathering, and have, myself, bowed out. i can't go, it would be stupid to even try. i am flaring like i haven't in years; everything is happening all at once, and none of it good.
i plan to use the 5 days he'll be gone to start a water fast, to get right as i can with spirit, and to, i guess, 'pull myself up by my bootstraps' the only way i know that has ever worked. but i am still sad, feel guilty, and so the war within rages on.
does anyone else struggle with feelings like these? like, if they really wanted to, they could be so much better, if not well?
do any of you ever feel like you are wasting perfectly good oxygen, that could be better used by someone else?
if so, how do you deal with such feelings?
i reach for 'spirit', try for internal peace, but it doesn't always work. sometimes the pain is too 'LOUD', and obscures all else.
i could use some help here, especially as i prepare for this fast.
any advice???

12-22-2010, 07:13 PM
Ohmeohmy! I think this post could have been written by any of us at different times throughout our illness. It is especially true when we try to look at ourselves through the eyes of the healthy, as you seem to be doing right now. Remember the spoons from the Spoon Theory. Some days I don't want to waste a spoon on getting dressed because I am running low from the time I get up. "Pull yourself up by the bootstraps" works if you are lazy but not when you are sick. I am not saying that you need to stay in the house all the time and avoid life but I am saying that during a flare sometimes it can't be helped.

The reason we type this and remind you that you are not wasting oxygen and reminding those that need it that they are ill is because we have all been there! Someone during that time was kind enough, honest enough and loving enough to remind us that we are sick and it isn't our fault so now we do it for others. There are days I still wake up feeling guilty because I wonder what I am teaching my daughter by sitting on the couch and having a tree up with only lights on it for christmas. Then she walks in with a big heart cut out of paper and places it on the tree and tells me that now it is the perfect tree. It now reminds us that all we need is love for christmas to be perfect. No, I am not wasting perfectly good oxygen.

Try hard to keep focused on your life from your eyes and not the eyes of well people. Listen to your body because over doing it will simply make it worse since our body does not give us the message when it has done enough until it is too late.

*hugs to you* We are here for you

12-22-2010, 07:47 PM
Well said Tgal

yes we all have this internal conflict. I for one am always saying tomorrow I'll start tomorrow. I wish I had the willpower to do what I need to do lose weight. That requires exercise.

So as I started to say; we all seem to have this conflict. But we're all here to share our comfort, out thoughts and our hopes

good thoughts and hugs

12-23-2010, 05:06 AM
ohmeohmy we all understand how you at times we all have these feelings at times i feel worthless but these feelings will pass when you are flaring everything is worse there will be good days and bad and we will be here to talk to you on both of those times, hugs kim l

12-23-2010, 07:05 AM
I agree with the others about being there at times and no one except the peolple on this site who understand completely. That is why we are here for each other. Welcome Bonita

Angel Oliver
12-24-2010, 12:47 PM
As i sit here in my eternal robe...i write to say....we hear ya my friend!!!! You will have good days and bad days,for me today is a bad one.i will deal with tmrw when it arrives but i wont think of tmrw till then.You will have good days soon,just hang in there knowing each of here understands you! Its very hard to hear loved ones say that one comment that hits our nerve,but it doesnt mean they dont care,they just have NO idea of our struggle.Take one day at a time and always remember us here at WHL.....we all understand.Sending you gentle hugs & lots of love.