View Full Version : So down and almost friendless
11-15-2010, 11:07 AM
I am so down right now. I feel as if Lupus has taken everything from me, despite my efforts to hold on. My job, pretty soon my house, my friends, and possibly children (have had several miscarriages due to Lupus stress on my body). My best friend since childhood never understands when I can't make it to something. This weekend I missed her sister's wedding. I had previously planned to be at a fleamarket about 2 hrs away to try and sell my artwork to make money. I needed to sell it badly as our house is being foreclosed. I found out her sister's wedding coinsided with the fleamarket and she told me I'd regret it if I didn't go. Well, i was going to go until it started pouring down rain and my Lupus was in a huge flare. I tried to drive but it was a downpour and I felt so bad I didn't trust myself to drive 2 hrs there and then feel good enough to come back and get my stuff (much less sell it). I had to make the decision not to go. It killed me. I cried and cried. Of course, my best friend didn't understand and she hasn't spoken to me. She does this every time I have to miss something. She has all of these special occassions and I have had none. Not one in 4 years since I got married. She doesn't ahve to show up for anything. It really gets on my nerves and I'm tired of feeling like a criminal. She hasn't spoken to me at all.
We are losing our house b/c we cannot afford it. I had to take disability for the Lupus and the treatment. They ended up firing me and from then on I've been sick as a dog and haven't been able to hold down a job. We haven't paid our car and the bail out plans only take 25 dollars off of our mortage. 25 dollars!!!!!! Are you kidding me??? We have tried everything and I don't know what we are going to do. I can feel another bad flare coming and the weather isn't helping. I'm so down in the dumps and I've had panic attacks almost every day for a week. I'm at my wits end. The only bright spot in my life is my husband. Thank God for him or I'd have to be checked into the psych ward! I just really need prayers and encouragement. I feel like joy has been sucked out of my life and I'm just an emotionally charged mess. I'm broken and have a heavy heart. I tried to go to church and when I got there it was the baby dedication ceremony and I had to choke back tears the entire time. I know it's what you put into it that counts, but I just wish I had found more solace than I did. Here I am. A mess and sick so I can't just get up and do something. I can't even muster enough strength to go look at an apartment with my hubby. It's one street over from our house.
I've been living in la-la land and pretending it will all get better. I was slapped in the face with reality after I was served a notice of inspection of our house. They wanted to make sure we are still living here. I feel as if I cannot physically and mentally take much more until I'm just a vegetable on the couch.
11-16-2010, 10:46 PM
All I can think about is how could your friend NOT even try to understand what you are going through. How selfish is that? It's as if some people see you being sick as an invalid excuse...Hello! Can you say pain, fatigue, reduced mobility?! I remember going through situations like this. My cousin would get mad if she had to help me with something because I was in pain. For some reason I guess she saw the attention I was getting as special treatment and I guess she was jealous. WHY on Earth would she be? Enough about me though. My advice to you would be just to take it to God..let Him handle it. Do your part and once you do that know that you have done what you could. I know that you are going through a lot, and I wish I could give you the answers to everything but I don't have that kind of power..all I can think of is suggesting you pray on it..I know sometimes things don't happen the way we want, or when we want but this is the time we need to be strong in our faith. I'm sorry if I come off as being preachy in anyway...this just makes me a little emotional.
Linda From Australia
11-17-2010, 01:49 AM
I am not sure if your real name is Isablue or Isabelle. I prefer to call you Isablelle because that reminds me of someone who is a belle - or beautiful.
Yeah life is tough for you at the moment. I have no idea if and when life will get better. I feel your life is like rose coloured glasses. Everything you see is coloured by the tint of the glasses. Meaning, it seems that from where you are standing everything you do at the moment is under the control of your Lupus. Thankfully you have your husband who is close to you who loves and supports you. All I can do is offer you my support and let you know that even though I do not know the extent of how you feel, I understand you are going through a hard time.
You mentioned that you tried to go to church but circumstances made you leave. I remember seeing a TV show, 'Touched by an Angel'. I can't remember the exact details of the episode, but someone was being beaten up. The angel sat with the victim and hugged until the beating stopped. I feel that is how God helps sometimes. We want things to get better, or change, and it never does. We often blame God and yell at him saying - I prayed and you never answered my prayers. God answers all our prayers, but the results are often not what we expected. But I really do believe that God stays with us always. When we are going through a difficult time, he is there hugging us.
I know at times when I have been sad, and someone talks to be, I just burst into tears. I try to avoid people during these times. On the other hand, on the rare times when someone has known I was sad, they just sit next to me, not saying a word, and sometimes, just placing a hand on my knee or back. Now that is so comforting, more so than words at times.
Isabelle (if that is your name) just feel comforted in knowing that "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6
Also remember that your new friends at WHL will always be with you.
11-17-2010, 08:18 AM
Just know you have many friends here.I had a job my own house a car many friends and a job.All have gone now and have adjusted to good friends online.It does help me,but like you grieve for my old life and being popular.Lately not really chatted often due to the dark cloud with my name on.Keep coming here n write your thoughts down often.Life isnt easy when you are sick and many people who you trusted just will never understand.But we all understand and will try help you through these very dark times.But just know....one day you will see light again.It just takes a very long time,but it will happen.Thinking of you and all my friends here.
gentle hugs n lots of love
11-17-2010, 09:41 AM
Thank you so much for everyone's replies. Linda, my real name is actually Whitney. The meaning of my real name is white island and my fave color is blue.. so I just combined them. haha. I didn't leave church that day, it just made me cry. I am going to go back for sure. I grew up going to church and have had the best times of my life close to God and church. Understanding God's ways have never been my strong suit, but then again they are not for me to understand.
My friend has still not spoken to me. I apologized, of course, but she hasn't said a word to me. It really makes me angry because I have been there for her no matter what. I have missed a few showers and a wedding over the past few years, but I feel those aren't times when you show your TRUE dedication to a friend. If I had only been to those showers and not hung out with her outside of those times I wouldn't be considered much of a friend. But I guess that's all she cares about. It's sad b/c we have been friends for over 20 years. She's making her choice though and I honestly believe she will be sorry one day. I went and stayed with her after her little girl was born and she had post partum. I took care of her little girl all day long and sat with her. I even drove to take her husband his inhaler on his UPS route when he had an asthma attack. Does that count? Nope. Guess not. Nothing counts for her. It's all or nothing. I'm going to have to move on.
God has given me a break and a little good news. I got a call for a temp job to probably start on Monday. I do stuff in medical billing and coding/ office stuff. It is really cathartic for me. I cannot wait to start.
All of your advice has really given me a new perspective. I tend to beat myself up a lot and I need to stop it and remember how God views me. Nothing sounds preachy. I love hearing it. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!
I too lost my job, my house, my car (doesn't matter really because I can't drive due to the seizures) and I have basically been locked in the house the entire Texas summer trying to stay out of the heat/sun. This place has been a life saver for me and I want all of you to know that. When my body hurts too bad to get off the couch I can come here and say hello or read about what everyone else is doing.
The truth of the matter is that this is not a disease you can understand from the outside. I have known someone with Lupus for many years and I didn't understand. I feel horrible now about "not getting it" but honestly there was no way that I could have understood until I walked in those shoes. The good thing that came out of this is that I am much more empathetic then I was before. I am glad about that. I would love to be healthy again but at least I have found some good that came from all of this. Well, that and finding all of you. Two positives is better than none
11-18-2010, 02:24 PM
I know what you mean. I've been locked in my house too. Isn't it depressing? People think it's great not to work, but it gets so depressing. I finally have decided to try working again. Monday I will begin another medical job. Coding/transcription/billing etc.. and I hope it's successful. I always start out with so much hope, but end up having to quit or take off so much I get fired.
In regards to my friend I sent her another text since she hasn't answered any of my attempts. I told her that I've been there for her through SO MANY THINGS and at the drop of a hat too. That she's not the only one whose feelings get hurt and I feel like she's been a truly awful friend. I hated to be so blunt, but it's the dang truth and I have held it back for so long. Surprisingly she called me. I didn't hear my phone, but she stil called. She never calls when she's mad. I have to jump through hoops to get her to. She may be going off on me, but at least she finally knows how I feel. We shall see.