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kim,l
09-30-2010, 04:55 AM
hi everyone in some pain today and feeling sick and on top of that my eldest daughter sarah said sorry mum but i do not want to insult you but you look like and old women with your walking frame and really look awful right now this upset me a bit and to top it off my youngest daughter mikaela had appointment with councellor for her depression and she told the councellor in front of me that she has no respect for me only her father and everyone else she blames me for her being bullied because i am her main carer and because i cannot stop it. she tells me that i make her so angry for being sick and that i am not happy anymore and i am always telling her what to do she is only 15 and she constantly reminds me how when i was in hospital i went through severe brain fog and forgot her name and how i left her for those months that was over 2 years ago when i had my first ever severe flare and was diagnosed with lupus she screams at me curses me grunts at me . i cannot help getting sick what am i suppose to do i feel so guilty i am worried she will start to hate me because i am not who i once was i just do not know how to feel anymore i am so sorry for what this is doing to my children i feel like i am an embarrassment i go to visit family members and all i get is pity they used to have normal conversations with me now they treat me like i am achild who needs to be checked on every few minutes i just want to feel normal again i feel like i have lost me and i just do not know how to find me again. thanks for listening hugs be well everyone kim l

Bonita
09-30-2010, 08:47 AM
Kim i am so sorry to hear what you are going through. Maybe your daughter acts this way because she is scared and does not want to face the fact that her mom is never going to be the same and she has her own issuesto deal with and is frustrated. No one should treat you as if this is something you want to do and to have. It is hard enough to deal with what it does to you without no support. I ptay for you and your family and hope things will turn around. It is okay to vent here because we will listen and send you are hugs. Love Bonita

SandyR
09-30-2010, 11:33 AM
Kim,

When I was 15 I had a very tumultous relationship with my mother. I resented her for being a single mother when I was young and I ranted and raved at her for deferring all parental authority to the man who became my step-father when I was 13. I thought she was absolutely horrible for not letting me do all the things my friends were doing and I blamed her for not taking me to shop at the cool stores so my clothes wouldn't look less cool than my classmates. Everytime she did something without my brother and I, I accused her of chosing my step-father over us. I was so mad and upset and angry with her for about 7 years and mostly about things that weren't really the issue - like the fact that my father just abandoned my brother and I when I was 10 after a bitter divorce from my mom when I was 3 and he now had a new family that he took care of and treated to luxuries I could only dream of. Like that fact that he didn't give my mom a dime to help us for many years and we struggled to make ends meet and the fact that I didn't like having to share my mom's time and attention and love with someone I didn't know. I blamed her for all the things I perceived wrong in my life and all the injustices I actually did experience, even those that were a result of my own actions. I was ashamed of her for not completing her college education and for not being able to spell everyday words like "chocolate" and for saying things with that funny Bronx accent. I felt superior to her in almost all ways! The words I used in my everyday conversation with her could make a sailor blush. This from a child she once had to bribe with money to talk at all! Then one day I realized that my mom was, gasp! - HUMAN. What a letdown that felt like at first. I mean I knew I was human, but I had always thought of my mother with some special set of super powers geared specifically to the needs of myself and my brother. Notice I listed myself first. It took me a little while to realize that being human meant my mom was the same as me- someone who doesn't know where life will bring you but will do their best to make sure that place is full of safety and love and kindness and respect and that on that journey she was going to trip and fall and stumble and flat out want to give up but for the most part she was going to soar. I realized how great my mom actually was and when I compared her to the kind of mom God could have given me, I was greatful! And when I realized how shameful and hurtful my actions were I was remorseful. It took a couple of years and some tears and several open and honest conversations but I can honestly say that my mom is my best friend and I know now she really always has been and I can say now that I heed her advice when speaking and remember her little saying that words are like toothpaste, easy to use hard to put back. I know your daughters hurt you unintentionally (or maybe intentionally) but please remember - so much of what they say at this age is just them being this age and that if they didn't love you, if they didn't care at all, then they wouldn't take the time to say mean things and hurt you. I know that sounds a little backwards but we only emotionally hurt those we love on purpose. All others just aren't important enough to bother with. I know one day they will look back like I did and wish they could squeeze those words back in their mouth. Just remember, stay strong and stay the mom and they will remember to be the children again. (((HUGS)))

Linda From Australia
09-30-2010, 04:55 PM
Kim my thought are with you during this difficult time. Unfortunately it might be for quite a long time you feel let down and 'abused'. But I think Sandy is right, in time your daughters will calm down and start treating you a bit better. But it may time some time though. Have you thought about seeing a councellor yourself to help you cope with the way your family is treating you? YOu can see one that will bulk bill you. Just ask your GP to refer you to one. Try and switch off by getting totally engrossed in something you like. even if it is just watching a movie or your favourite TV show.

Hillbillie
09-30-2010, 06:48 PM
Kim,
Oh, how it hurts to read this knowing that I did the same thing to my Mother. In my teenage years I had a horrible time and took it out on my mom. She kept being Mom and I finally figured out how to live and by the time I had my son I immediatly saw what Mom's go thru. I asked her to forgive me and she said that is just part of growing up trying to decide what your place is in the world. She and I became the best of friends.
Hang in there and hopefully it will get better soon. I know that has to hurt and I agree maybe getting a counselor to talk to may help you. You have enough to deal with just handling your illness but with all the rest on top the stress of it all cannot be good for you. I don't know what to say to help you other than just hold on and hope that time will take care of youthful ignorance.
Billie

Angel Oliver
10-01-2010, 08:36 AM
hi Kim,

So sad to read,but im thinking of you.Hang in there we are here for you.

love
Amanda.xxxx

magistramarla
10-01-2010, 09:16 AM
Hi Kim,
Sandy did such a great job of telling you about this from the daughter's point of view. Here it is from the Mom's point of view:
I raised four daughters. Every one of them became sassy problems at the age of 13. My hubby said that whoever first said that 13 was an unlucky number must have been the parent of a teen-aged daughter. It seemed that the ones who had personalities the most like mine were the ones who pushed me away the hardest. The oldest, who has a personality like her father's, very quickly got over it and became friends with me again before she got out of high school. The others took a bit longer.

Kayla was the one who caused me the most tears. She had a lot of medical issues while growing up. She had very severe asthma and allergies. She also had a kidney problem that required surgery when she was 4. The kidney worked for a while, but totally failed by the time she reached puberty, so she has one working kidney. She was very frustrated that she felt "different" and extremely angry that she couldn't participate in rough sports. She was always on meds for the asthma, but I had a hard time getting her to take them. She took it out on me and blamed me, just as your girl is doing. We worried about her a lot, since she rebelled by hanging out with a rough crowd, and we're pretty sure that she did some drinking and smoking that she shouldn't have been mixing with those meds.

As Billie mentioned, the moment that she was pregnant with Kyle, Kayla turned around and became my best friend. She had once told me that she wanted to never be anything like me. LOL - now she's more like me than any of her sisters. She is a great Mom, and she's a preschool teacher. Kyle has asthma and allergies, so now she understands what it was like for me!

I'm close to all of my girls now - the two youngest drive me crazy with calling me every day. I think that it is just part of growing up during those teen years. Girls have to distance themselves from their mothers. Some just have a harder time with it than others. It's my son that I rarely hear from. He's a sweet and loving guy, but he's too busy with his life to think much about the parents.
Good luck, Kim and hang in there. They will realize that you've loved them all along.
Gentle Hugs,
Marla

kim,l
10-02-2010, 02:05 AM
thanks everyone helps to hear from you i will just have to be stronger and hanging in there i know this disease and how it has changed me has affected them as well as there own issues. on a good note my wonderful loving husband stephen if though he has been unwell himself decided to do a wonderful thing for me today he took me for a drive along the coast and we had lunch at the beach and he told me how much he loved me. i am feeling so much better about myself today this is a good day hugs kim l

magistramarla
10-02-2010, 01:59 PM
Good for you, Kim!
A sweet hubby and a lovely beach can make things all better.
Hugs,
Marla

SandyR
10-04-2010, 11:45 AM
three cheers for Stephen! That is so sweet of him.

Saysusie
10-04-2010, 08:17 PM
I, too, want to give three cheers for Stephen. I cannot speak to the issues that you are having with your daughter's, but you have been given some excellent advice. Both from the perspective of a daughter and a mother.
My daughter and I never had any serious issues to the point where she blamed me for anything or said that she didn't like me. However, my Mother and I are still not in a good place and I do blame her for many things. So, reading the posts here helped me to come to terms with some of my issues with my Mother. I don't know if I will ever be brave enough to deal with those issues head on, with my Mother. But, I want to thank each of you for being so open with your responses as they were so much more helpful than you know.
Kim; I do hope that your daughter comes to realize what a wonderful mother you are!

Peace and Blessings
Namaste
Saysusie

SandyR
11-05-2010, 10:46 AM
Kim,

How are things with you and your daughters?