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Serenity81
08-31-2010, 07:23 PM
So, I've been having a few really good days... I just started nursing school full-time last week, and I began a new med that I'm already seeing great results with. And everything came screeching to a halt tonight. My brother-in-law called my husband to tell us that him and his wife are pregnant. First, let me explain... We're all close in age (within a few years of each other). My husband & I got engaged first, they got engaged the following summer, we got married on May 24th, 2008, they married on May 23rd, 2009. Everything from the start when she began coming around at family events and stuff has seemed like a competition between her and I.. certainly not from my standpoint, but I know that's how she sees it. I think she was upset that my husband & I got married first (her and his brother had been dating before us)... I know there's no time line for how long you should've been together before getting married, I'm just trying to paint the picture for you all. Oh, and by the way, she's been a labor & delivery nurse for about 4 years now. I've always know that she wanted to get pregnant first, so she could have done *something* first, if you know what I mean...(re: engagment / wedding).

Don't get me wrong, I want to be happy for them, I really do.... and I am. BUT, it gets me thinking again about all of my health issues and there's still that question of whether or not I can even have children. I guess if I had to call it anything, I'm feeling inadequate. And guilty... my mom SO wants us to have a baby and I have this feeling deep in my gut that I won't be able to give that to my husband and her...

I'm just all mixed up and confused and I feel like I'm overreacting but I can't stop it, my mind just won't stop running in circles.

=(

tgal
08-31-2010, 08:35 PM
Hi Serenity,

It is ok to vent here. Emotions are not always logical but they are still real. Although I honestly believe that sometimes we have to mourn the life we thought we were going to have before our illness, I try very hard to remember what my mom use to tell me. I am going to pass this on to you. "Serenity, don't borrow trouble. Life will give you enough on its own". What that means is not to worry about if you can or cannot have kids until you know the answer. For all you know you are worrying over nothing. You have enough on your plate without adding more things to fret over. I know it is hard to do (and I don't always succeed) but it does make things a bit easier

The good news is that you have all of us to come vent to. I wish I could give you a hug now but since i can't.... {{{{{{Hugggggsss}}}}}}}

debbie-b
09-01-2010, 06:32 AM
Hi Shannon,

I do understand, where you are coming from.
But as tgal said, don't drive yourself crazy, with worry, until you know for sure.
There are alot of women with lupus, you have precious little babies. It is not impossible.
Take your meds and work with your docs.
And don't worry about your feelings, you can't dictate yourself how to feel.

Debbie

Serenity81
09-02-2010, 04:28 AM
Thanks guys.. I think it just brought all of those feelings bubbling up to the surface again. See, unfortunately for me, it's not just the lupus I have to work about... last summer they had to remove a tumor from my girly bits (thank god it ended up benign!)... so my gynecologist and I have some heavy discussions to get through when the time comes to be thinking about trying. She's told me not to worry about it until the time comes as stress can do wacky things to the reproductive system, too...I know she's right, it's just hard to think about.

jmail
09-06-2010, 09:43 PM
... and don't forget, serenty, it takes two to tango (both, in that "competition" thang, and in the pregnancy thang)... it took my wife and I a few years to find out it was the "he", not the "she" that had issues... mumps does some funny things to boys when they're growing up...

Serenity81
09-07-2010, 04:53 AM
jmail, you're definitely right. Honestly, after letting it sink in for a few days, I realize now that it's more of me obsessing about "what if" for us... and that's a difficult issue for me to face right now. I've also realized that I have so many other things to deal with right now (finishing nursing school for one) and stressing about this right now isn't the answer.

magistramarla
09-07-2010, 04:12 PM
Shannon,
You're on the right track. Right now is your time to concentrate on nursing school and getting your body into the best health that you can.
When I was a La Leche League Leader, we used to tell the Moms that it was great to have that education and then "bank" it while taking time to be a Mommy.
Just look at it that way - you can get the RN, then "bank" it while being pregnant and dealing with a newborn, then go start a great career with no regrets.

I "banked" my teaching degree for 20 years while I raised 5 kids, but I always knew that I had it there if I needed it.
I went back to teaching when my youngest was in high school, and had a great teaching career.

Don't let the competitive Sis-in-law get you down, or push you into something that you aren't ready for.
Hugs,
Marla

Hillbillie
09-07-2010, 06:12 PM
Do not allow anyone to push you into something. You have your life mapped out and better to stay on course for now. Get that education and then think about children. My neice and her husband were ready for kids both had finished their education and testicular cancer hit her husband. After surgery to remove it and chemo the doctors said no way could they have kids due to his low inactive sperm. So they went on with life and not one but Two kids later and a happy little family. They are financially in good shape and can enjoy being parents. So Never say never... Life is in God's hands not ours, not cancer, nor lupus! Enjoy being a wife and a student...when its YOUR time things will work the way they are ment to.
Life isn't a contest. Don't allow yourself to be pushed into one. Best wishes for a Long Happy Joy-Filled Life!
Hillbillie

magistramarla
09-10-2010, 02:24 PM
Hey Hillbillie,
The same thing happened to my brother-in-law. He had mumps that "went down" and was told that he would never father any children. I think that he purposefully married a single mom and adopted her little boy. Then, he also had a testicular cancer scare, but several tests proved nothing. However, the tests must have gotten "something" going, because they got a big surprise and had Billy eleven years ago.
Jeff teases his brother because Kip became a father the same year that Jeff became a grandfather!
Everything works out in its own time!
Marla