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tgal
08-28-2010, 06:44 PM
OK, I am here to whine for a bit. Although the doctor called me last week with a brief overview of my neuropsych results I received the actual report today. Honestly, there was nothing in there that I didn't know already. I have a hard time with short term memory. My recall of short term events is really bad, my comprehension sucks and I have a problem with several other memory type issues. It also stated that I had trouble with motor skills on my left and right side with the right being worse (I am right handed).

None of this is new. What is new is seeing it written down on a piece of paper. "Borderline deficient" here, "deficient" there, "low average here" with an IQ "very high average". I couldn't stop the tears. It is one thing to know in your head that you are not mentally the same person you once were but it is another to see it on paper. After I spoke with the doctor there was relief that I wasn't crazy but today, reading the report, I cried and cried because I am not me anymore. I use to pride myself on how smart I was. I could pick up just about anything quickly and I was an avid reader. Now? I don't read much because I have a hard time comprehending what I am reading. I use to bring legal briefs home to read them for FUN and now I can't grasp a short article on CNN without reading it 3 or 4 times.

It is one thing for me to know these things but it is another to see it in black and white. I guess I always thought, at least on some level, that I noticed it more because I had fallen so far. I guess I believed that maybe it wasn't as evident to others as it is to me. Today I found out that I am wrong and it made me sad. Sad that little white things on my MRI could change who I am and what I can do. Sad that no matter how hard I try I will forever be changed, at least to some extent, by nasty autoimmune issues and a disease (or diseases) that I have no control over.

I know I will feel better tomorrow. I will be able to look at the bright side which is that FINALLY someone is close to finding out what is wrong with me and then we can begin working on getting better. Today I am sad though. I am sad that my entire future has been changed and that my world will never again be what it was before this illness. Maybe it will be better than it would have been but right now I only know it will be different and that makes me sad and scares the hell out of me

Thanks for letting me vent. Now I am off to find food in hopes that it makes me feel a bit better.

red246
08-28-2010, 09:41 PM
((((hugs))))

Linda From Australia
08-28-2010, 09:50 PM
Just remember tgal that your tests showed: with an IQ "very high average". This is proof that you are still smart, it is just other things getting in the way at the moment that makes you think that you are not very smart.

Just make sure that when your condition is explained to you, ask heaps of questions to make sure you understand what everything means. Try to find something to do that you really enjoy at the moment, that will take over your current thought patterns and distract you from the 'hopeless' feelings you are experiencing at the moment. Gee I have really been beating myself up lately, and I tell you, the virtual bruises really hurt for a long time.

magistramarla
08-28-2010, 09:53 PM
Lots of Hugs, Tgal
I think that many of us here know just what you are going through. I know that I've had to change my life drastically because of these AI issues. I'm another person with a high IQ, and it has affected how much of what I read that I can retain.
I've found that it is important to me to stay involved in life, so I volunteer to do things and I push myself to get out among people. I've found that if I'm upfront with my friends about it if I'm tired, hurting or having a bad day, they really do step in and help me.
Your life has changed, and you will have to rest more often, but please don't give up.
Gentle Hugs,
Marla

rob
08-29-2010, 05:48 AM
Hi,

I understand how you feel too Tgal. The whole IQ issue has been a tough reality to accept for me too. I was in an accellerated program in school and received my high school diploma early, went on to college early and was able to use my abilities to become a successful business owner. I was told when I was a kid by everyone that with the "gift" I had, I could pretty much write my own ticket in life.

My abilities were so much a part of who, and what I was, that when I started having cognitive/memory problems, it took away my own identity, and it's been very hard to accept. I remember seeing my employees begin to look at me with a look of sadness and pity in their eyes as I fumbled around in a confused fog. I overheard family members talk of how the "sparkle in my eye", my humor, my enthusiasm for life, was now gone.

I used to have a somewhat photographic memory for things like blueprints, maps, and words. Now, I have a hard time with basic sentence structure, and spelling the simplest of words can be very difficult. I sometimes have blank spots appear in my mind that leave me wondering where I am, what I'm doing, and who I am talking to. I sometimes get lost on the way home from the grocery store in a town that I've known like the back of my hand since I was a kid.

Some days it's not bad, and I can still do some activities, other days I can't do much of anything. One thing I have done, is to find new interests and activities that are better suited to my mental and physical condition. All we can do, is try to accept what's happening, adapt, and try to soldier on. Sometimes it's easier said than done. You are definitely not alone.

Rob

PS-Linda is absolutely right, you still have a high average IQ, you are still an intelligent woman.

tgal
08-29-2010, 06:48 AM
Thanks for all the wonderful replies. I had to post here because I knew this was the one place that my rant would be understood. As usual, I was not disappointed. The care and understanding here gets me through the times I am on a pity party. I try not to do it long but when I do it helps to know that there are others out there like me. Thanks to all of you

PS Hey Rob... I graduated High School in 3 years as well. Today? I would have been riding the short bus and licking the windows! (no offense to anyone with special needs... I simply have to laugh at myself). Yes, I will figure out a new path for my life. I just need a little time to mourn the old old one.

rob
08-29-2010, 07:52 AM
Licking the windows-Now that's funny! You made me almost spill my coffee. I earned my diploma when I was 15, which was fine by me because I hated school. I never fit in, of course I never really wanted to either. College on the other hand, was an absolute blast. I finally felt challenged academically, and having all those good looking single "older women" around was a plus too.

Dad jokes with me when we go out on the boat. He always asks how I'm doing today, because at the end of the day we need to be sure that the port we go back to is Belfast Maine, and not Belfast Ireland. I've learned to laugh about my getting lost incidents. Pretty much everyone in my life knows that this happens sometimes, and they no longer get freaked out if I call and need help. I can't remember phone numbers anymore, so I keep the important ones on a card in my wallet. I don't have a cellphone because they don't work very well, if they even work at all out here in the boonies, so I keep two quarters taped to the back of the card with the phone numbers. Kind of an odd survival kit, but as long as I can find a payphone, it works.

It's strange, there are days when I really feel fine, and all the gears are turning, and other days I'm off in some other world it seems. I make the best of the good days, and endure the bad ones to the best of my ability. On the bad days I remind myself often that there are still plenty of good days ahead to look forward to, and it gets me by.

Rob

Bonita
08-29-2010, 10:01 AM
I so enjoy be part of this group and reading about the things which are so common to us . Sometimes if we do not laugh at ourselves it really becomes depressing. Good luck to everyone who is having a hard time with life these days. Love and prayers Bonita I was never very smart n school just average.

magistramarla
08-29-2010, 12:29 PM
Tgal & Rob,
As Rob already knows, you can count me in on the "graduated from HS early" group. I gave up being valedictorian of the class of '75, but was salutatorian of the class of '74.
I went to college at the age of 16, and like Rob, I was so much happier there than in HS. I was teaching by the time I was 20.
I'm glad that I did all of that and crammed as much experience as possible into my "early life". I have a lot of good memories and experiences behind me, and no regrets.
Hopefully, all of our experiences and education are helping us to fight this thing. I keep reading that older folks who keep their minds active have a better chance of holding off Alzheimer's. I think that my mother and my aunt both had AI issues that were never properly diagnosed. They succumbed very easily to anger, depression and dementia.
I think that those of us on this board are all the smart ones. We have enough "smarts" to research and understand what is going on with our bodies. That gives us a big advantage.
Hugs,
Marla

jmail
08-29-2010, 01:04 PM
... I think that those of us on this board are all the smart ones...
Another reason why I like Marla... lolol

pandagirl
08-29-2010, 05:36 PM
Have you seen the movie Fifty First Dates.....need I say more..now, don't you feel like a super genius!!

tgal
08-29-2010, 05:37 PM
LOL I agree! Nuff Said! Thank you!

BonusMom
08-29-2010, 09:33 PM
Tgal, I could have written your post although I've not had the actual neuropsych exam.

I have been a paralegal for some 23 years and a licensed private investigator for 3 years. I don't actively pursue PI work as I can't keep anything straight. I'm lucky to keep my job as I have to write down EACH and EVERY step for all tasks that I do on a daily basis. Oh, and my hard drive recently crashed with all of my forms, templates, etc., which only makes it worse.

Some days, I am crystal clear. Other days, I'm on the highway to hell and can't remember what exit to take. Yes, I feel like I'm a premature old lady in a 45 year old's body.

I understand your frustration. I haven't read a book in ages although I was once a voracious reader. I can't remember what I've read. If a movie review says something about it being a complicated storyline forget it--I'll send hubby with the kids, otherwise, it's a waste of money and time (not to mention the furstration of not being able to follow the story line and put the puzzle pieces together).

I feel your pain. And, although you knew you were aware that you were have "issues" it's tough to see them confirmed in black and white. I'm sorry.