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cheryl_v
04-09-2010, 12:25 PM
Here I am again, another round of depression. Wondering if this is how it will always be for me:unsure:. Life with an illness, no matter which, is quite the challange. No one understands the daily pain. How every little thing is a challange lately. Much less how I hate that and have to plan my day carefully to get the stuff done.

I was told a year ago that my pain is from psoraitic arthritis, and psoriasis will come with it. For 6 yrs at that point I had been in pain, and getting a dx didn't relieve my mind like I thought it would......just caused more questions and concerns. Now I have sores on my scalp. I did it before, and dummy me forgot it caused sores(and no one told me not to dye my hair). Except this time the sores went down forhead, ears and back of neck. Also now my toes on right foot are in so much pain and one curved sideways and hurts all the time. The other foot has bone spurs in the heal, so walking sometimes is hard.

Couldn't sleep last night due to back pain again, always same spot, center back on right side of spine. Hubby didn't even notice I wasn't in bed until 4am, then just said "oh" when asked why and went back to bed:no:.

I feel unnoticed, unloved and unwanted except to do chores and cook. Hard being a house wife with 3 kids, and baby-sit 1 baby. I run a day-care from home, but buisness is slow (kind of a blessing though).

I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to say screw it all. I just feel like at my wits end, again. I know I will make it thru like always, but right now seems I will never be happy again. No help from home, don't even care if they help or not. I feel cold inside. When others do occassionally show bit of attention my way, all I can think is why and what do they want:skeptical:. I see all of it as fake, can't tell if real. I tell doc, but they just say it should pass and stay on the meds. I hope so, each round of depression gets worse than the one before.

Thanks for reading, writing is theraputic and hoping it helps......CV:sigh:

LAP717
04-09-2010, 02:27 PM
I can only offer hugs... and hugs... and hugs!

cheryl_v
04-09-2010, 02:31 PM
thanks, your sweet.....CV

wolfwhisper
04-09-2010, 03:40 PM
I was put on anti-depressents several years ago (psychologist declared 'massive depressive'), but sometimes they don't help. I understand that a lot of the time it feels like no one cares if you are there or not, and it's hard to trust anyone. The only two I trust are my parents, and sometimes I feel that I can't completely trust them to understand. My dad had 6 surgeries on his shoulder last year (doctors now refuse to do any more surgeries), later getting staff infection, and broke his back when I was three, so he's always in pain, and My mom fell of the back of a delivery truck and injured her shoulder. Everyone here is too busy dealing with their own pain, so I get really lonely and feel that no one understands what I'm going through.

Other than my story, I can only offer you more hugs to add the ones LAP717 sent you, and hope to give you comfort when you need it. Your not alone. xxxx

rob
04-09-2010, 05:15 PM
Hi Cheryl,

I wish I had some anwers that would help you, but you and I both know there are no easy answers or simple solutions for problems like this. I'll just say that, you and I have been around WHL for awhile now. Long enough to have seen each other fall into a bad place, and then gather our strength and pull ourselves out of that place. There's no reason to think that this time will be any different. I know how bad things can be, and how far away any hope of having better days can also be. I understand how you feel right now, but have hope. Vent all you want, you know we'll listen. Just go easy on yourself. You feel isolated and alone in your daily life, but you are not isolated or alone here.

Rob

cheryl_v
04-11-2010, 08:28 AM
Thanks for the replies. Thanks for sharing wolfwhisper, so sorry. Thanks Rob for remebering me, I hadn't been on hardly. I feel like I'm fading into a mudaine exsistance. I'll pull through, we always do. It can't last forever, once at the bottom we can only go up.

Sorry so low, each day is a new day. So looking forward to waking to a better one. Thanks for all being here, even though I didn't expect it. I will be back more, at least I'll Try.

much love to all...................CV

DrinkofWtr
04-12-2010, 02:10 PM
I feel for you. It's hard enough being a wife and a mother, without an illness. Let alone with a debilitating illness like lupus. Also, being a housewife is not rewarded well in our society. It seems, so often, that kids take their moms for granted. They simply want their needs met and often we don't make time for ourselves, or simply don't have the time. Husbands often take wives for granted too, I am sorry to say. Perhaps, you could remind them that you are not well and they need to help you out more. As for your depression, don't give up hope. I hope that better days will come for you soon.

cheryl_v
04-13-2010, 11:19 AM
thanks drinkofwtr, life with an illness can be hard for anyone.......man, woman, child. whether married, single, kids or none. hard for us all in our own ways.
my kids are good kids, not too bad. they do as told and help out more than most kids. I still have to fight with them to get chores done, no kids are perfect...lol. I wish they did more, but kids will always be a challange.
as for hubby, I don't know. he works a lot, but so do I. sometimes I swear he acts like the docs just need to give me a pill and make it go away. wants all back to normal............well duh, I wish it could. he seems a bit selfish and not understanding, screw it. he comes around, great. if not, will do fine without him.
being a housewife is hard, and PA makes it harder. just hoping it gets better.
I started exercising a little in the morning, hoping it improves mood and strength.

Thanks to all who replied, so very sweet even though you didn't need to.............hugs to all, CV

mountaindreamer
04-13-2010, 02:15 PM
hi cheryl,

like rob said, we have been around here long enough to watch as our whl friends seem to get swallowed up by the current medical challenge, and the damage that it does to our emotional strength. Also, we have all learned that there is not really anything that we can do to help, except just be here when you need us.

As far as hubby and family goes, just remember that the only way for them to completely understand what is going on with us, is to experience it themselves. We would not want anyone that we love to suffer like we do. That is what i try to tell myself when i get hurt by others' insensitivness. (not even sure if that is a word).....ha ha ha...oh yeah, it isn't a word....should be insensitivity.

you will always be a bright star here....just look at your beautiful avatar.