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Nonna
03-28-2010, 05:22 AM
I'm in the midst of a dilemma; I need to make a decision. Actually i've made the decision, but i'm not sure if it's the right one.

My father is 93; my mother is 85. He, my father, is preparing for the end. My sister lives in Spain, so everything is falling on me. My mother's memory is bad; she gets lost if she's in unfamiliar territory. Dare I use the "A" word??? If I bring her to my home, she would have to leave her friends and all.

My father wants me to go down there to florida. He does not know about most of my illnesses. I think I could handle it; it means I would retire and not have to get a job. My responsibility would be mother. My problem would be flares; should I attempt this??

i'd have to give up my docs here and find new ones in that area of florida. this concerns me. How would I go about transferring my records. Do Docs let you have copies of everything?

Please share your thoughts, it would help set my mind at ease or tell me if I should change my mind.

thanks,
Nonna
:wacko::wacko::wacko:

Grime
03-28-2010, 05:57 AM
First off go down and take care of your mother. She needs you. Second off you can get all your records from your doctors. I got all of mine from the VA. Your doctors can refer you to new doctors in Fla. Third off you can do find in Fla. you just have to take care of yourself. Sunscreen and stay covered up. No big deal. I live on the Texas coast and sail.

There is a lady here on the forum that lives in S. Fla. and she sails with her husband. Her name is Renee. She might see this thread and reply.

But most of all your mother needs you now and so does your dad. Just remember one thing. No regrets. Never let good by or see you later without I Love You in it.

Hope this eases your mind some.

mabeljane
03-28-2010, 07:55 AM
Hi Nonna, I think David is right. Your parents need you, they have no one else to rely on, and are asking for your help. Its a big decision for you, starting again, leaving your job and friends, being a carer. As for your own health, ofcourse it will be difficult, no doubt about that. All your records should be transferred and you could ask for copies for yourself too. Ultimately its your decision, only youknow what is the right thing to do, although it would seen you have made up your mind. Good luck

Nonna
03-28-2010, 08:40 AM
Thank you both. You do set my mind at ease. this confirms my decision to go. Actually David i will be going to So florida. Hopefully it won't be for many years yet; my Dad is still healthy. He looks real good for 93 and would you believe he still plays golf. He uses a cart to get around the course now. But he plays.

nonna

mabeljane
03-28-2010, 10:07 AM
Hi again Nonna, your dad sounds amazing!!! what a wonderful achievement to still be playing golf. Glad you have made your decision, and that you will all benefit from your decision. I wish you lots of luck and many years of happiness with your parents x

abbasgirl
03-29-2010, 03:10 AM
Nonna, I'm so glad your mind is put to ease.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, you are an awesome daughter!!

rob
03-29-2010, 07:58 AM
Nonna,

I just want to say that I agree with the others. Your parents need you, and if I were in your situation, I would go. Your parents sound like wonderful people, and the fact that you are willing to go to these lengths to help them, tells me that you are a wonderful daughter.

Rob

Nonna
03-29-2010, 10:33 AM
Thank you all for your input. I want to do this but was unsure if I could handle it. I'm going to tell my Dad yes I will come when I'm needed. He wanted me to think about it. He thinks it's a major decision on my part. But it's not, not really; I'm going to do what I want to do.

My only regret is that I will not be able to take my cat with me.

No pets allowed....... Boo Hoo


Thanks to all again,
Nonna
:cute: :yes:

Linda From Australia
07-18-2010, 05:56 AM
Did you move to spend time with your parents? How are they?

Nonna
07-18-2010, 10:24 AM
At this point I'm still here with my daughter's family in the Atlanta area. I make trips down about every 2 months to visit with my parent. They are going north for a month now to spend time with my uncle and his wife. I'm also hoping they will come here at Christmas to be with the great grandkids. Both are still very healthy.

Thanks for asking,
nonna

Hillbillie
07-18-2010, 09:29 PM
Nonna,
Speaking from someone that has lost both parents... do what you can while they are living. It may cause some adjustment on your part. If things get difficult there are cna and sitters that will fill in if you are having flare and/or need extra help. If you do what you can, you will have nothing to regret. Lots of folks are living under what if's and thats so much worse than I'm glad I tried. No one is perfect but do what you can. Wishing you and your parents the absolute BEST! Billie

Nonna
07-19-2010, 11:02 AM
Thanks Billie
My mother is now noticing the space of time between my visits. I gave up going to something I really wanted to go to this year. But told myself next year. I just need to sit down with a calendar and plan.
I know what you mean about the what if's, but then I think about what I have and realize that I would not want to give anything up. We have to live our lives to the best of our ability and accept the things we can not change.

Hugs,
Nonna

Nonna
03-21-2011, 02:58 AM
Had a hard time finding it but I went looking for this thread this morning. I had to have a talk with my sister about visiting my parents, her response was not to drop everything and come visit. She has a wait and see attitude. I think she might regret it. Maybe I'm wrong, but my mother is suddenly afraid. She's voiced it where she never has before. I'm at a lose as to how to convince my sister not to wait until Christmas to come and visit. Sometimes I think she thinks they will live forever or else maybe she doesn't really care. That she's been away too long and thinks we are pains. I don't know; maybe I just have hurt feelings that she doesn't try harder instead of saying ....... It's complicated.

Well thanks for listening,
Toni

steve.b
03-21-2011, 04:21 AM
everybody haddles the oncomming death differently.
your sister may be scared of the inevitable, and she hopes putting off the visit, will put off there passing as well.

it can be scarey to face the fact that you become the oldest in your family.

lovehubby
03-21-2011, 07:42 AM
Do what is heart in your heart you know what it is take care

mountaindreamer
03-21-2011, 08:46 PM
hi sweetie,

steve is correct, people handle death in different ways. some people just can't face it, and avoid the situation, at the expense of not visiting with a person before they pass.

you should just give ownership of her decision to your sister. if she chooses not to visit before they pass, then she can live with and regrets, etc. that she might have. you don't need to add this stress to your life, you are already so worried about your parents, don't waste your energy on your sister.....you can't change her.

so sorry that you are dealing with this dilema....you continue to be the wonderful daughter that you are, and give your parents tons of love.

magistramarla
03-21-2011, 09:06 PM
Toni,
Thinking of you....
Phyllis is right - don't stress yourself out over the way that your sister handles this. She will have to come to terms with it in her own way and her own time.
It's good for you that you are spending some time with them.
Jeff is full of good sayings and he had this one to say when our parents passed: "We were the sandwich generation, but we've quickly become the crust".
It's tough to lose the good ones.
Hugs,
Marla

Colleenc
03-21-2011, 09:22 PM
I think you are making the best decision... Family means everything, so enjoy the time you have left together and use it to create memories that you will be able to cherish.

But remember.... Take CAre OF YOurself!!!!

Colleen

tgal
03-22-2011, 07:20 AM
First let me say that I will support whatever you decide to do. I am, however, going to give the other side of this issues. I am very torn as to what I would do in this situation because I lived a short version of this. My mother died of cancer that spread to her brain so I understand the dementia. I lived it when I was healthy and it almost broke me. It didn't and I am thankful that I had that time however if I had to make the choice now I am not sure I would be able. I have an ex sister in law (I still call her Sister) who has spent the last 6 years taking care of her mother who just previously passed away. She has RA and it almost killed her.

Dementia or "The big A" is called "the long goodbye" for a reason. We all know what happens when we get tired or stressed and Toni, you have multiple issues to deal with. I understand wanting to be near her, that makes complete sense. I just want you to promise me that you will think about all sides of this before you make a decision. As I said in the beginning, I wouldn't trade one horrible/wonderful moment that I had with my mom but if I had been as ill as I am not I don't know if I would be good to either of us in a 24/7 environment

(No tomato throwing allowed)

SandyR
03-22-2011, 07:38 AM
Had a hard time finding it but I went looking for this thread this morning. I had to have a talk with my sister about visiting my parents, her response was not to drop everything and come visit. She has a wait and see attitude. I think she might regret it. Maybe I'm wrong, but my mother is suddenly afraid. She's voiced it where she never has before. I'm at a lose as to how to convince my sister not to wait until Christmas to come and visit. Sometimes I think she thinks they will live forever or else maybe she doesn't really care. That she's been away too long and thinks we are pains. I don't know; maybe I just have hurt feelings that she doesn't try harder instead of saying ....... It's complicated.

Well thanks for listening,
Toni

My brother's very much the way your sister is. Always has been since we were kids. I remember when my grandma died he had just turned 7 and I was 8 and he didn't cry. I got so mad I punched him in the arm because I felt like he if he should be sad and he should be crying. I didn't understand that people grieve in different ways. My mom explained that to me and honestly, it still annoys me now with some things he does in those situations when it comes to him avoiding things as I see it, but I've learned it's just his way. It's not the right way or the wrong way it's just a different way. I'm much more likely to want all the information up front so I can spread out my cards and assess the hand I was dealt and form a plan of attack. He's more likely to toss it all in the wind and let fate pick out his hand. I think one day he too will have regrets about not doing certain things differently but I am slowly learning to not be so invested in the way he acts about things that I think are hurtful because I know it's not personal. I hope your sister comes to see your mom before Christmas, but if she doesn't, that's ok. You did your part in telling her how things are and she just chose not to heed your advice. Ahhhhh the beauty of free will and, huh? Sometimes we don't see until much later that our choice was hurtful to others or was not the one we would have picked if we could redo a situation. Thing is, at the end of the day - you gave her a choice and although it's not the one you feel you would have made in her place given the situation, it is still her choice. (((hugs))) you've got a lot of things you have to do now and you don't have time or energy to focus or be angry about this so just brush it off (easier said than done) and enjoy what time you have with your mom. You already know how precious that time is so don't mar it with any bad thoughts. Just celebrate the joy in sharing your mom's life, including the part being there for her in her death. That's a noble thing to do - be there for someone at the end of their life - and I applaud you for being the one to do that for your mom. You're in my prayers, Toni.

tgal
03-22-2011, 07:47 AM
I have two brothers. One of them completely stayed away, even when we called to tell him mom had died he still didn't come for about 4 hours. My other brother came to stay the last 3 weeks with us. He couldn't really handle seeing mom that way but he cooked and bought her favorite candy. All 3 of us handled it the best way we knew how. I am sure that is what is going to happen with you. You have to make the best choices for yourself and your siblings will do the same.

We will all be here no matter what choices you make. You support everyone here through tough times and we will do the same with you. Love ya

Nonna
03-22-2011, 07:41 PM
Do what is heart in your heart you know what it is take care

Michele my heart wants her to come and visit with mom & dad now. I don't want her to live with the pain of regret. I have been there and would not wish it on anyone.

Friday, Daddy will be 94. How much longer does he have only the Lord knows; I will take care of mother, that's what daughters do. But maybe Steve and the others are right. People handle death differently. I myself don't do well with it and avoid funerals if at all possible. I decided a long time ago that I'm too emotional and people don't understand why I cry and how I cry.

tgal
03-22-2011, 07:46 PM
Michele my heart wants her to come and visit with mom & dad now. I don't want her to live with the pain of regret. I have been there and would not wish it on anyone.

Friday, Daddy will be 94. How much longer does he have only the Lord knows; I will take care of mother, that's what daughters do. But maybe Steve and the others are right. People handle death differently. I myself don't do well with it and avoid funerals if at all possible. I decided a long time ago that I'm too emotional and people don't understand why I cry and how I cry.

Your emotion and your warmth is why we love you so much!

SandyR
03-23-2011, 06:51 AM
You're a good sister, Toni. and a good daughter too.