View Full Version : Very angry and upset right now

01-21-2010, 07:45 PM
First, let me say that it is only because this is a place of love and respect that I feel that I can share this with you. I am so very angry and upset right now. I am shaking on the inside. On of my closest friends told me today that her husband got physical with her last night while they were having a heated discussion in bed. She said he leaned over and grabbed her by the arms and shook her and she felt frightened and curled into a ball and then he leaned over her. She says he then realized what he did and calmed down but that she felt frightened for her safety at that moment. I am so very angry and upset with this situation. NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO TOUCH ANOTHER PERSON WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION OR TO THREATEN THEM WITH HARM EITHER PHYSICAL OR VERBAL OR MENTAL OR OF ANY KIND AT ALL. I am so mad at him. She and I had discussed this over a year ago. He has been verbally abusive for over three years and I told her then that I think she needed to get away. This was my worst fear. Please, if you are in a relationship where you are identifying with my friend, run away! Get help, talk to someone. No one has the right to harm another person and no one deserves to be harmed (physically, emotionally, or mentally) by another person. I want to just go gather my friend up and make her come here. Force her into my car. I know that is not realistic. I want to go call my uncle and ask him to send a patrol car from her precinth around to monitor the house, but I can't do that either since he is in heaven. I want to call the cops and her parents and all her friends and scream at the top of my lungs. I want to cry my eyes out from anger and frustration. I want to DO something and know that I can't until she lets me. I hope that tomorrow she is mad too and not just shocked or in denial so she can go do something too.

I know this isn't really the place to discuss this, but I appreciate your letting me air it out. Thank you.

PS - If you are on my FB page, please do not comment about this on there. ty.

01-21-2010, 08:14 PM
Hi Sandy,

Domestic violence is terrible thing to have to deal with for the victim, as well as for the victim's family and friends. A man who would do such a thing is a coward. This guy is as wrong as wrong can be. The common pattern in these situations is one of escalation. First some harsh words, then profane insults and threats, and then physical violence. When the physical abuse starts, it tends to get more and more violent. Somebody needs to intervene and not let this go any further than it already has.

I am assuming that your friend did not get law enforcement involved in this incident. Do you think she would call the police if this happens again?


PS-Although we do talk about various Lupus related issues in this part of the forum, Lauri's Lounge is open to non Lupus related issues, so you are perfectly OK posting this here.

01-21-2010, 08:28 PM
no, she did not get the law involved. Honestly, I think she is still thinking it wasn't as bad as it seemed or as I think it is. i think that she might go to the law tomorrow, when the shock is less and the anger is more. if she doesn't stay stuck in denial. i hope that she will want to go to the police and file a report tomorrow, but I don't know.

01-21-2010, 10:02 PM
I'm so sorry that you are affected by this man's abuse as well as his wife is. I understand because I have an alcoholic brother in law and his actions affect not only my sister and her children, but my 78 year old mother and myself as well. It hurts, it's scary, and you feel so utterly helpless......wanting to do Something, but realizing you can only do so much.

Just let your friend know that you are there for her, and share with her what your heartfelt feelings are regarding his behavior. He has no right to violate her that way. I hope she realizes it will probably only escalate, and that in all likelihood it will get worse instead of better. She ultimately needs to get out, but the statistics are that most domestic abuse victims do not leave their husbands.

I wish the best for her, and for you as her friend. Pray for wisdom as to what your role should be in this, and for her safety.

01-22-2010, 01:35 AM
So sorry, Sandy, that your friend is minimizing her husband's abuse. Denial is the first step towards the abuse escalating. It won't get better, only worse as his actions have shown. It's so difficult witnessing a loved one's abuse because you really are helpless to do anything, except love and support her.

Be especially alert to his trying to isolate her. Try giving her literature about domestic violence that she can tuck in to her desk at work. She shouldn't keep information about DV at her house 'cause if he finds it there would surely be heck to pay and she would be the unfortunate target.

I have zero tolerance for abuse myself, but some can't recognize it for what it truly is. My heart goes out to you and your friend.

01-22-2010, 02:22 PM
Sandy.....No of course i wont air on FB firstly not my place nor for others!

Thats really sad, and i totally understand your anger, goes to show that you will not put ureself in tht situation! however i kno you want to do something for your friend and realistically you cant do what you put that you want to do, BUT she will need you for when she has come to terms with it herself, i send you lots of positive thoughts Sandy.


01-22-2010, 09:14 PM
My daughter Kayla has been going through this same sort of thing. He's not been physically abusive (as far as I know), but he has said some very awful things to her and has tried to keep her isolated. That's why her Grandma gave her a car before she passed away, and we've "rescued" her and the little guy a couple of times and had them living with us for a while. She kept going back to him and "giving him another chance". Now, they are living in Colorado, and she is far from family. She has finally gotten an apartment of her own (big sister Heather loaned her some money). I'm hoping that she finally stays away from him. She is an excellent pre-school teacher, and has found a new job.
An old boyfriend from middle school found her on facebook and has renewed their friendship. He's still in the army, but we're hoping that his friendship helps to keep her from giving the jerk yet another chance.
My stepmother went through this before she met my Dad. She says that the woman in the situation has to reach the point at which she realizes that she has had enough and finally changes her life. In the meantime, all we can do is be as supportive as we can be for them.
I wish you luck with supporting your friend.

01-23-2010, 08:14 AM
Thank you all for your support and prayers and positive thoughts. I know you are right, that all I can do is be there and be ready to do something when she is ready. That is the most frustrating, wanting to leap in and fix it and knowing it can't be fixed until she is ready to take action or ask for help. Funny thing (or really not so funny) yesterday I was at my cousins and walked in and saw a huge bandage on my 85 year old grandfather's face. It was obviously from some sort of surgery, which I didn't know he was having so I asked what happened and as a joke he tells me my 82 year old step grandmother beat him for not listening to her. Well, that just sent me running out of the room in tears because as much as I know he is kidding it was like a punch to my stomach after thinking about my friend just before that. (He had a patch of skin cancer removed on his nose if you are wondering about the bandage.) On the plus side, I told her she had to talk about this with more people so that I wouldn't be the only one to know what was going on if this problem escalates. I really want her to tell one of her sisters, and I am going to talk with her about that too, but yesterday she told one of her coworkers that we are both friends with. Marla, I hope Kayla stays strong and focused and far away from that creep. I will say some prayers for her too.