View Full Version : It's getting too heavy

10-13-2009, 07:52 AM
Could ya'll be praying please? Either for strength or something to be lifted? Either one would be really nice about now. I keep trying but you know how sometimes it just gets so heavy and keeps knocking you back down...sometimes you just get worn out...

I'm about whipped.


Angel Oliver
10-13-2009, 08:11 AM
Oh my dear girl,

You just rest and im sending you lots of love n will think of you all today,hoping you get the strength back to feel a little better soon.It will get better just think that,dont let it win,you have come to far.You are so strong and so caring to everyone,we wont let it win..together we will help you through this.

Lots of love n hugs

10-13-2009, 05:29 PM
I am sending you my prayers also. I know that it can get so heavy at times and we can feel almost hopeless. You are not alone, please know that, and I am keeping you in my prayers.

Peace and Blessings

10-14-2009, 09:10 AM
Thanks... I really appreciate it. It's not just the illness...there's a lot of stressful stuff going on in life in general. More than the usual.

10-14-2009, 07:23 PM
You are in my prayers, let go and let God.
Tight hugs,

10-14-2009, 09:27 PM
Thanks... I really appreciate it. It's not just the illness...there's a lot of stressful stuff going on in life in general. More than the usual.

I totally understand (can you tell I'm a Cali girl?). The stressful "life" stuff is difficult enough, but throw in a chronic illness and you've got yur hands more than full.

Please take care and give yourself some slack. Rest when you need to and do whatever it takes relieve/deal with some of that stress.

10-19-2009, 08:00 AM
Thanks everyone...I'm doing what I'm supposed to, but certain things and people in life keeps trying to keep me from resting...know what I mean? For example, I can turn the ringer off...but people will come beat on the door. I can ignore the door but there are some people in my life who will then beat on the windows demanding a reply. I have those kinds of people in my life that don't know when to quit and are hard to get away from. It's just so hard to get some peace and for this past month it's been more difficult than usual. I've even gotten in their faces which has bought me some time from them but that's all it's done. Which makes California sound that much more wonderful to visit or perhaps move to, if only i could. lol.

I had a pretty good day yesterday. It was interrupted, which is becoming the norm, but it was a short breather at least. I wasn't as sick yesterday so...

Tomorrow I have the procedure on my throat at the hospital that I'm nervous about, the new puppy goes in to get "fixed" this week and the vet insists she stay overnight and I'm nervous for her (I hope she doesn't think we've sent her back to the shelter), my daughter turns 18 this week and it will be a small bday and I'm depressed about that, and we've got some relatives to cope with this week that are thrown in some of which are beyond foul and... my new migraine preventative med is making things more interesting too lately. Brain fog is at an all time high and my body is doing some new funky things...and i'm still having migraines. still no news from the GI doc about helping me get in with that nice rheumy he knows.

But I can feel the prayers and good thoughts. I wanted ya'll to know and to know that I appreciate it very much and miss you all. I'm keeping all of you in my thoughts and prayers and reading the board and keeping up when I can. The "migraines" in my eyes keep me from it a lot again lately. Love my WHL family! XOXOXOXO

10-19-2009, 12:09 PM
Oh My Gosh;
You have quite a bit on your plate right now. I do hope that you are able to find some restful periods without interruption. I'm sure your daughter will appreciate any type of celebration that you are able to provide for you.
Do take care of yourself and know that we are all thinking of you.

Peace and Blessings

10-22-2009, 09:51 AM
The procedure, EGD, didn't go so well. The people that prepped me for it were very warm and nice. Nurse that cared for me afterward was great. The people who actually accompany and help the doctor perform it were unprofessional and cold. The doc was late. they were griping him out for it and it wasn't joking around either. they shoved things around and were a little rough with me until i protested. short version, it sucked.

due to his tardiness, they didn't like that i wanted to talk to him before the procedure but I was gonna...tough noogies and i took my time too. i asked doc about a few things with swallowing, if it's true the throat helps you lubricate the throat more than the mouth and oh absolutely he said and he went into detail about that. i asked if i could try some medications that sjogren's patients use to lubricate their mouths and throats with and he said i'd have to ask my rheumy about that. i reminded him my past rheumy said sjogren's only affects the mouth, not the throat at all, she knows zip about sjogren's and i have no rheumy, he was supposed to talk to his rheumy friend about me, remember? he forgot!!! it went downhill from there. he said it's procedural to dilate the throat for dysphagia and he had an understanding that's what we were going to do today and I said NO, I didn't know that. I had read up on that beforehand but my understanding was they were going to dilate any tissue thickening they saw in there, if there were any. He explained the therapy to me...what dilation does. After some consideration I told him okay. Plus I figure if I don't do it, it will just be another one of those situations where they'll say "well I suggested this and you didn't try it." I had read up on it, I was informed. I was prepared because I knew they would have needed to do that anyway. If it would help me eat normally, GREAT...worth a shot!

BUT they gave me no warning before they started to put me under but i could tell i was and i told the nurse i did not feel right TWICE. i've been through 5 surgeries and no problems ever and this did not feel right to me at all but next thing i knew i was out.

i came to in a recovery room not knowing where i was but quickly figured it out. that's never happened to be me before either. I woke up angry for some reason. i wasn't in pain. they had used lidocaine and it was still "working". later on i felt as though someone had punched me in the throat and stomach from the dilation. doc comes in the room and the entire five minutes he was there he kept trying to back out of the room looking very uncomfortable. this is the same guy who was so COMPASSIONATE at my first visit with him at his office and sent me the copy of the nice letter he sent my pcp about helping me to find a good rheumy and everything. They saw no masses or any narrowing which we already knew from the barium scan so that was no news really but said he dilated me and he hopes that will help. But guess what yall...it's day two since then and I'm still having the same problem swallowing. ugh.

Then he goes on to say that for the first ten minutes after i was put under that i cried solid...and that it's unusual, and people with depression tend to do that. At that point I started to cry and I wanted to just throw something at him thinking, well he's a specialist about that huh, and i've got that too huh, and so what if I do, people in pain ought to feel depressed, DUH! So I said, angrily I might add, what do you SUGGEST I DO about that? He's nearly out the door when I asked that....Oh he doesn't know, he just thought he'd report it to me becuase I was gushing tears uncontrollably. and he finally inched his sorry tail out of the room completely as he said "see you in six weeks, okay?" Nope. No way.

I really suck at picking doctors. I really do.

So...I'm going to get my fanny down south and visit Phyllis' doctor as soon as she can fit me in. I don't know how I'm going to get there but we'll work that out. She's on my PPO list.

And that makes me feel a little better...along with the sweetness Phyllis puts in her messages to me the past couple of days. Thanks again Phyllis.

My throat is feeling a little more normal today but it's no different than it was before I went in. So all of that for NOTHING! And now I find all kinds of articles about how dilation doesn't really help a lot of people with dysphagia. No, there's no way I will return to see that doctor. He totally dropped the ball and in a huge way. I have spent a long time waiting on him to help in more ways than one that he said he would. It was a huge tease. Plus I can just see it, he'll dump me totally on my rheumy...the throat is his department, not the rheumy's. I wonder if Phyllis' rheumy can suggest a good GI doc?

Tomorrow is daughter's bday and I see my pcp...and my daughter is being such an unselfish angel, Lord bless her...but I feel so bad and wish we could bless her so richly...you only turn 18 once and I wanted it to be special for her. We thought next week may hold some breathers but...it's not looking so great either. Hubby thought maybe he could get in some overtime today and next week we could do something special later for our baby girl but some brats at work pitched a fit to get the overtime instead and got it so....there's that. I got puppy's "fix" date wrong...it's next Tuesday. We've got some unexpected bad company showing up next week...and some other unexpected things happening next week too.

It's still just so heavy. I am trying my darndest to get my second wind and it just won't be quiet long enough for me to get it. I count my blessings and honest, in the middle of even things like that something will interrupt even that!

tiggerlishus - Heidi
10-22-2009, 10:02 AM
hi babe sorry to hear your gonig through rough time too at mo! as well as seniding you huge massive gentle hugs i'll send you a couple of saying that help me get through the days!
Yesterday is History
Tomorrow is a Mistery
Today is a Gift that is why its called the present!


Failure isn't when you fall, it's when you stay down. The glory
of success is not in never falling, its,s in rising up again - and
again and again and again

i find these help remember to take each day as they come and no matter how many times i get knocked down i always get back up thou some times it takes me abit longer soemtimes to get back up then others!

10-22-2009, 10:04 AM
You are in my prayers right now!! You can probably feel the hug I am sending!! (((((((hug))))))))
Thanks for keeping us updated, and I hope your day gets better...
God bless,

10-23-2009, 07:44 AM
Thanks Heidi and Deb. I can feel that hug. Thanks. Deb, I really like your signature line.

I'm so nervous today and fighting it best I can but ugh, i'm so nervous about my pcp appt today. I wonder if what they used to knock me out for the EGD is messing with me. This is extra nervousness...I've eaten a lot of junk food today and my fingernails are looking good too!

I've got my pcp appt later today. The last time I saw her she was defensive about a few things she had no reason to be defensive about....was nothing like herself at all. she let me know she's going thorugh a divorce so i certainly let it slide but it was the kind of appt that made me worry too and it's making me worry about this one today. i'm really gun shy after the egd with the gi doc and don't know what to expect today with my pcp. i've been worrying about her too. She's a nice person. Cares about people and works hard to help others. Goes that extra mile, ya know? She lets her nurses push her around though. But when they push the patients around, she will find little ways not to let them, soft ways but she still lets them know that's not nice. i hope the divorce isn't going to affect her practice because she's an awesome doctor and we really need her...our area is hurting so bad for good doctors.

I don't know whether to ask how are you or not when I first see her today...she was so touchy last time, bless her heart.

Hubby and i have to pick out a marriage counselor. i'm worn out and have run out of ideas. he doesn't know what to do either but we do know we don't want to call it quits. we do love each other but we need some help so...

it's a long story, but counseling sounds good and hubby is picking that one out so...maybe he's better at picking that out than I am. i worry about it some because you can pick out a bad one that will, like doctors, make the situation much worse so...

something i've yet to share with ya'll...we've been having problems with my oldest son for a while...he's turning 20 next week. the deal was just try to find a job or he'd have to move out. we waited a long time and ...he ended up going to live with his grandma, my mother in law...and it's been an emotional roller coaster and just won't stop. so some family counseling may be coming too. I don't know. He has corks in his ears and they're in there pretty deep too. he's always been the type that if he doesn't want to do something you can't make him do it for nothing. he'll dig his heels in and stay put. he was given a time limit on just trying to get on the ball and he sabotaged himself, wouldn't even apologize, was asked to leave, and moved in with grandma. he hates it there but he's still not looking for a job. My heart is still broken and it just won't mend and I miss my baby boy. I always thought maybe he'd grow out of that and did everything I could, read every book I could get my hands on, had him tested by the professionals, yada yada yada...

and there are some other unlovely things going on too that are in the mix of emotions which I'm sure are making my health much worse. If it would just stay quiet for a while though, I do believe I could at least get my bearings you know and feel a little better...so please keep praying and putting those good thoughts this way... I think if things would just improve a little with my marriage and my son I'd feel ten times better.

i have a homemade sweet potato pie to make for my daughter's bday today... that's what she asked for. I'm thankful i can do that today. i guess the fall weather and her craving for thanksgiving prompted that request. She received a little bday money from relatives. she's been having such a good time with the puppy that hubby got me for my bday. lol. they've learned this little game they play together hiding from each other and it's just hilarious. i'm thankful for my gal and the happy distractions we get and i'm thankful for my family here at WHL. Thanks. It means a lot to have ya'll here to talk to. I've got family and friends here around me but they don't know what it's like or don't want to know, you know? And I'm just too sick for my friends. I've not been a healthy gal much my whole life, but the past couple of years I've been going downhill so bad and it's showing me who my real friends and family are. Thanks for being here. It's just a matter of hanging in there, I know... it's just there are times when it's really hard to hang on. You get tired of waiting when you wait a long time and it's hard to rest when people won't leave you alone. Yesterday was such a doozy around the house. I gave up trying and just bawled. Strangely, when I dragged my tired body to town to run a few errands, I got more peace and ran into the nicest people. It wore my body out further, but did my mind good. :laugh:

10-26-2009, 07:08 AM
Pcp appt went well. Doc is healing thankfully and was healing to me. Told me to stay away from that GI doc and suggested another one but if it can wait to put that need on the back burner until I see the rheumy next year and see what she says. I'm very thankful that visit went well. I really needed a good doctor visit and to be treated like a human being instead of just a name on a chart. I was running a little hot but she said it was from inflammation and not a fever.

The sweet potato pie turned out good, whew, so i am very glad of that. Amber, my daughter, had pie and chocolate chip ice cream, and a very small bday but she was happy. she got a little spending money from her grandma and took it to the mall.

Tomorrow puppy goes to the vet and won't be back till wednesday afternoon and i'm really worried.

hubby and i have a talk with our son this week and i'm really dreading it. my mother in law is trying to come attached with the situation in a nasty unproductive way and ...

...i really dread talking to a counselor about problems, opening wounds, etc...

and some of you know about this, but most of you don't, but i have some people in my life that are so intrusive in other people's business and follow people around even online...and some have found me here and are reading and relaying things I share here, making their jokes like they do about everyone because they have no life unless it's poking holes in others' lives and also to relay things about other people's lives differently than the way it is put as fact. In order to feel big, they have to make others look small, you know?

Some of these people are just simply checking up on me to make sure i'm not talking about any of our dirty laundry and to them I say, look... if we're going to have a relationship, I need room to talk to friends about my life the same as you do with yours, same as everyone on the planet does. I'm not going to live in a shell for you... it's suffocating and if you cared for me, you wouldn't ask me to. Besides, I'm not going to say anything that the big mouths in the family don't already know.

For all you nosy butts in my life that have no life, just so you all know...the ones you share that stuff with are doing the same thing to you behind your backs too so... looks like you're in good company.

Sorry ya'll... I had to get that off my chest. It's been haunting me ever since I started posting here. I've been watching my p's and q's and having to walk the line. I've been feeling SO confined. One side of my family has severe big mouth-itis and doesn't know what the word discretion means.... and the other side thinks we should say NOTHING about ANYTHING. It was starting to really knaw at me knowing that I have that audience out there reading my posts...but it doesn't anymore. I no longer care what they say or do anymore.

11-03-2009, 08:04 PM
Hi Leslie!

I am sorry to hear about all that's been going on. I have been thinking about you and can now see that you have been busy wading through, sifting out, mucking up and getting rid of a lot of baggage in your life. I wish there was something physical I could do to help you with all that's going on, but the best thing I can do is pray that Abba will help lift your load soon.

How are you feeling now? How are things going with therapy and your family? How'd Isabelle do with the surgery?

You're in my thoughts and prayers.


Angel Oliver
11-04-2009, 02:45 PM
Im thinking of you every day and hope soon you feel better and life feels easier for you soon my friend.

lots of love

11-07-2009, 12:09 PM
So sorry for your experience...I am still trying to wrap my brain around the fact he dilated something that was not worthy of dilation??? What the heck..I would respect him more if he had said all looked normal and did nothing..no need to try to justify!! And/or pad the BILL!!! It is frustrating but hang in there. If you really don't want to go back...don't. You need to feel comfortable with your doc..not apprehensive. You sound like you know what you want and need....keep up your strength!

11-19-2009, 12:10 PM
Thanks... am doing better and having happier days. Still have a lot of trouble that I'm dealing with, but I'm dealing with it better. Just wanted to stop and say thanks for the support, good thoughts, prayers and give a short report.

Things are better but hubby and I know we need to move further away from our families...he's looking into a work transfer. We had an opportunity to move far away years ago and didn't...now wish we did. There are some things that only distance can help. It's not a sad thing though...we're actually having fun looking at the map and figuring out how a family moves many many miles away. We've moved twice, but never very far away.

Pandagirl, I'm still trying to figure that out too...about the dilation. It seems like something so serious to do and it was the first thing tried too. I've heard nothing about the biopsy done so I guess that's good news. But I'm still having trouble swallowing. I don't plan to return there at all. I know I need a GI but I am still looking for one. I look forward to seeing Phyllis' aka mountaindreamer's rheumy. I see her in January! I'm still floored that they fit me in that soon!

I've got more hope than I've had in quite a while and I'm feeling very thankful!