View Full Version : Didn't Make It

10-03-2009, 02:47 AM
I'm sorry to report, I canceled my appointment with the rheumy on the 29th. I just couldn't do it.

Which is unfortunate considering how much pain I am in at this moment. My feet are on fire. I have plantar facsiitis and tendinitis but I think I also have lupus which is what I wanted to find out definitively but I didn't go to the appointment because I just couldn't do the damn dance again.

It is 4:30am. No sleep due to pain, but also due to other factors that I wish I could understand. I'm sure that I'm clinically depressed even though I don't ever cry. I go from one night with no sleep, to the next night where I am falling down exhausted and sleep 12-14 hours straight, then the next night no sleep again. When I don't sleep I just read novels, I am really into reading right now. It takes me out of myself and out of my pain.

I really feel like I don't belong on this earth. I've felt this way for a long, long time. I don't fit. Everything turns into pain eventually. So something is very very wrong with this picture.

I finally got cleaned up today....I'd stayed in my pajamas for the past 2 days straight. I don't eat except for supper. I take my meds if I can remember to. My memory is really bad lately.

I just feel like I'm going through the motions of barely existing. I don't leave the house all week.....where can I go? I can't walk for more than 20 minutes at a time, and that's on a Really Good Day. When hubby is home on the weekends, he gets me out of the house. We go antiquing (for my business) and just here & there. I use my scooter of course. But it takes both of us to lift it in and out of the van. If I'm not hurting too much, we go. If I am hurting bad, he'll just take me out and I ride in the van and stare at the life going on all around me. Or else we just stay home if I don't want to go.

Oh......the reason my feet flared up? This is how dumb I am......once again, like an idiot, I tried to do an exercise video.....for fibro people even......but I only made it through 10 minutes. That was several days ago, and my feet are still screaming from that. It only took 10 minutes to cause this agony days later....and it shows no sign of letting up. This could take another week or 2 to ease up. I have tried exercise before so I should know better. So many times I have tried....because I am so sick of sitting on my rear end all the time!!!!!!

And as far as the rheumy goes.....in an ideal world, I would go to the rheumy appointment, and I would tell him my problems, and he would run blood tests, and a light bulb would go off over his head and he would say this is what is wrong and this is how we are going to fix it........and he would hand me a prescription and I would skip merrily down the yellow brick road and all would be right again in my world. Trouble is, I've gone to appointments for nearly 30 years and none of them know anything. None of them help me and none of them have answers. Why should I subject myself to more of the same. I will just stay home and read my novels and stay up all night......who cares.

Thanks for being here and for understanding. I know you do..... I am just in the middle of intense, tortured, agonzing pain at present.....and when I'm there, a part of me emerges that is confused and sick and angry and sad and despairing of life. Hopefully tomorrow I can shove that part of me back down under the surface and get this pain under control. And continue to try to live in this world in spite of everything. Until another flare rudely interrupts my life and causes the despair to rise up again.

10-03-2009, 06:53 AM
hi porchy, your words so eloquently described our lives. Sounds like you are really in a bad flare, and i hope that today finds you feeling better. Don't beat yourself up about cancelling the rheumy appt. You have accomplished so much lately, and this is just one small set back. I can understand your frustration...even though i am crazy about my rheumy, i know that when i go to see her and explain my new pains, etc., that she will not be able to do anything to help me....she tries, but life is what it is for us. Yes, we ride around in the car wishing that we could be out walking and enjoying life. I have a wonderful park accross the street from my home, and i listen to all of the people laughing and having fun playing games, I walk over and watch from the outside....i feel like i am not even in the same world as them. This is just one of the many heartbreaks that we face. I hope you feel like antique shopping today, and i hope the fresh fall weather brings a beautiful day your way.

10-03-2009, 09:26 AM
Hi Porchy sweetie. No more talk of that not fitting in stuff, okay? You fit in here very well and I bet you fit in a lot of other places, you just have to find those places. I know how that feels. It will pass.

My feet keep me from doing much also. Four years of it and still no answers or relief...just coping. I've found that when my hips aren't giving me too much agony I can get on the bike and pedal for a while. It's the only thing I have found I can do so far for cardios that doesn't kill my feet. Sometimes my ankles don't like it, but I make em' do it anyway trying to keep the action on them to a minimum.

We need some kind of exercise, when we can take it...that and diet is so important. Sometimes I have to make myself eat breakfast and lunches. It's a big help with depression and helping us to feel healthier too.

I was depressed for a while because I used to could pedal my bike in the park and that was such a great stress buster too...but with the photosensitivity I have now, I'm stationary on the shaded porch. I've gone through the motions with this latest new symptom and am coming out of it...still have the symptom but I accept it more now and live around it.

You'll go to the rheumy when you're ready sweetie. Don't get down about that, okay? And try to ignore the things everyone else is doing that you can't do... when I get like that I try to focus on what I can do.

All this advice is on loan...I'll more than likely need it returned. :laugh: Okay? We all get down... we're human and this disease is more than difficult.


10-03-2009, 11:24 AM
Thank you both for your support. I cannot tell you how much your kind words mean to me. Thank you for not judging me or telling me what I should do. Thank you for allowing me the moment to express my pain through words. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone in what I feel. Words cannot express how much that means to me. I will emerge from this, I always do. You comfort me, and I appreciate it so much. xoxo

I got 6 hours of sleep, finally falling asleep at 6am. I set my alarm to wake up because I have to pay my rent for my space at the antique shop today (I have a booth at a shop & I also sell online). I think I'm going to just have my hubby run the check in to them and not go in (which drives me crazy because I want to go in and see how the sales are going) because my feet feel so tender and inflamed. If I do choose to go in, we have a folding chair in the van I can sit on while in the booth, but if the shop is busy I feel like an idiot sitting on a chair in the middle of my booth. People look at me like What the heck is she doing?? It's embarrassing but necessary sometimes.

I need to get ready to get out of this house for awhile, whether I go in anywhere or just ride along. I will carry your kindness with me today......thanks again for being so caring, and for "getting it". Hope you have a good day. xoxo

10-03-2009, 08:27 PM

Hey girl! You are not alone. We all have these moments, days or weeks. Today, for example, I went to the doctor bright and early and came home to make breakfast and then spent the rest of the day watching movies/doing very light cleaning. Tomorrow is another day, and another chance. Call that doctor when you are ready. Don't give up because you DO fit in and you WILL one day find yourself able to get a full night's sleep again.

Hang in there, we are rooting for you!


10-04-2009, 01:07 AM
Thank you Sandy........xoxo

10-04-2009, 01:22 AM
We did go to the shop today and we brought in my chair so I could sit in between a little bit of work. I saw some friends and we chatted, I got some work done with the help of my husband and I even bought a couple things. Of course, afterwards my feet were very angry with me but I still feel satisfaction that I was able to do what I did. It was good to get out of the house.

My feet are screaming at the moment so I'm going to rub some MSM cream on them (very lightly) and read awhile before hopefully getting some sleep.

Thanks again for your posts, they gave me great comfort. xoxo

10-04-2009, 09:53 AM
hi porchy, so glad to hear that you enjoyed spending time in your booth. It is shame that you feet are making you pay the price, but oh well, you had time to visit friends and that can be worth the pain. Hope your cream will give your feet a break from the pain.

10-04-2009, 10:28 AM
Hang is there and enjoy the good days when they come Thank God for those days and we can all relate to this and thanks to you having and understanding husband. Love and prayers Bonita

10-05-2009, 05:06 PM
I bet some people are glad you sit and work in your booth. Then they can ask you about things they may be interested in purchasing from you.

10-05-2009, 06:14 PM
Porchy -
I am glad to hear that things were better yesterday. One day at a time, mama. How was your today?

10-05-2009, 08:18 PM
Hi Porchy;
How are you feeling today? How are your feet? I'm so sorry to hear that they are in such pain which hampers your ability to do so much.
There have been times when (I'm sure) all of us have felt like we don't belong in this world and that life is just passing us by. But, even on those days when you can do no more than read, you are still and important part of this world and you are still very important to someone. Please do not ever devalue yourself, you mean so much to so many...
I agree that, there are probably patrons who are glad that you sit at your booth because that makes you always available to answer their questions and give them information. I do not think that others are judging you, but if they are, they are much too insignificant in your life for you to even give them another thought.
I understand your trepidation about going to another doctor who does not give you answers or treatment. It is such a conflict, isn't it? A good doctor is an absolute necessity in order for us to get relief, but finding a good doctor can be so frustrating and can cause us so much undue stress. I hope that you can find a doctor who works with you and provides you with the understanding and treatment that you need.
I hope that you are able to get some recuperative rest and that your pain subsides. Remember, we are here for you!

Peace and Blessings

10-06-2009, 07:16 AM
We did go to the shop today and we brought in my chair so I could sit in between a little bit of work. I saw some friends and we chatted, I got some work done with the help of my husband and I even bought a couple things. Of course, afterwards my feet were very angry with me but I still feel satisfaction that I was able to do what I did. It was good to get out of the house.

My feet are screaming at the moment so I'm going to rub some MSM cream on them (very lightly) and read awhile before hopefully getting some sleep.

Thanks again for your posts, they gave me great comfort. xoxo

Sometimes it's worth ticking off our feet, isn't it? :cute: Sometimes I'll cry with the pain and my hubby will start preaching to me that I shouldn't have pushed myself. Then I'll cry more and remind him but it was good for my heart and worth the pain which will ease with time. I'd never put myself in danger, of course...but sometimes a gal has gotta have some semblance of a normal routine/normal day.

((((((Hugs)))))) You're doing so good Porchy! Just keep hanging in there and visit the rheumy when you feel ready to.