View Full Version : Angry Vent
09-11-2009, 04:18 PM
Hi I have to vent and I apologize if it sounds angry and hateful but I got deeply hurt today and I don't think it can ever be repaired. As you all know from a previous post my hubby and I were having a rocky relationship and I felt it had to do with him distancing himself from me because of my illness. We started talking decide to go to therapy, etc... Him and I talked and there were more issues than my illness and the therapist said try a trial separation. We have not been living together since August 1st. We said we'd date etc... Well he has been avoiding me always busy when I want to get together doing things with others he hated doing with me like going to total strangers houses for kid's B-day (he wouldn't even go to my cousin's house with me :angryfire:) This was even before I got sick..but it didn't bother me I respected his feelings. Anyway today we were supposed to have lunch but I got sick and my PCP told me to go to urgent care. At urgent care I found out I have an infection might be urinary tract but cultures aren't back. And the Doc said I could possibly have kidney stones but there was not enough evidence to do a CT-scan 'cuz insurance wouldn't pay. So he gave me antibiotics and vicodin for the pain and I have to wait and see if I get worse or better. (AWESOME WEEKEND SO FAR :tongue2:) Due to being sick I asked him to take care of the dogs and he was upset but he did it. And when I told him on the phone he didn't ask how I was doing. :aargh4: I am very vulnerable right now because I do have the Scleroderma marker in my blood work and one of the key signs are kidney issues so I just wanted company and I asked to hang out with him and he said no. I asked what was going on why he was distant and he said he has a lot on his mind. REALLY well good thing I have nothing to worry about!!! PUNK!~!! LOL Okay had to through that in there sorry. I feel better tho. I had been thinking about divorce earlier but now I think I really need to consider it because I am all alone. I could get really sick tonight and I have no one to rely on but myself. But that's okay because I am strong and I will be okay I just am really hurt...but thank goodness the Sjorgens has dried my tear ducts or I'd be crying my butt off LOL -that was angry humor-sorry. :P Well I hate that you guys have to read this but I really needed to get it off my chest and just talk. I don't need an answer and I know my problems won't be solved. But I really really love that approximately 2-4 minutes after I post this someone will read it and eventually by tomorrow at least one response. So thank you for being my long-distance friends.
I was in a very similar situation a few years back. Living with my girlfriend/fiancee took the same sort of turn. She became very cold and distant, had every excuse in the world not to be with me. When she would talk to me, she was always angry about every little thing I did. It was like living alone. She would always complain about how hard my disease was on her.
I assured her it was harder on me. She left one month before the wedding. I know I'm better off without her. I wish you didn't have to go through this. It's a hard thing to accept, and deal with when your spouse shuts you out of everything.
I really understand how you feel.
09-11-2009, 04:41 PM
Oh just some thoughts to ponder....
I don't think it was great advice your therapist suggesting trial separation unless in the end divorce is the goal...one can't work out issues being separated..gives them the option to say no as your husband has. I think trial separation is just that... to live without each other.
I think when people do this, they expect the dating scene like it was premarriage, honeymoon, to ignite the old feelings....step back and realize the love but I think for others it means seeing how life is without the other...
I wish it wasn't the latter...or perhaps your husband needs more time...as it has been 6 weeks. How has it been before this..the last 5 weeks...?
Men, can be a bit insensitive, some a whole lot especially when we have been with them for a while...I am sorry you are alone when you are not well, and not feeling well while separating...what stress, what a load you are carrying.
You are a strong person, I know you hurt...tomorrow will be better in heart and mind. With each thing we have to face, especially when ill we do come out stronger and not weaker..
I wish I had words to make you feel loved...unhurt.
I do care..sending you tight hugs... I am thinking about you. In my prayers you are.....
09-11-2009, 04:49 PM
Thanks Rob and Oluwa for responding so quickly. I too wish I didn't have to go through this :) (but Que Sera Sera - whatever will be shall be) I've never heard the entire song :tongue2: It's been rough for a while and we both sacrificed we've been working on this relationship for years. First I had issues with my job, then he had issue with his feelings for me back and forth but we fought for each other tooth and nail I think we may just be out of fight. I do know I can't keep having this stress and dealing with the auto stuff because I will get worse so one day at a time. Thanks again you guys brought tears of joy to my tearless ducts LOL!
09-11-2009, 07:40 PM
OH im so sorry you are going through this it is so sad to read you in such despair.But you have the best people replying to you.I hope you feel a little easier when you wake.Always remember we are here for you and care. Sorry i have no answers,but it does sound weird your therapist saying to trial seperate. I have no answers,but i hope you feel better tomorrow.
Love n gentle hugs
09-11-2009, 09:08 PM
I am sorry to hear about that things with your husband have gotten worse. I am watching a friend go through this right now. I pray for strength for the both of you. Like you, she also has had health issues going on and, like you, her husband has not been as attentive to her needs during this time. I know that you are a strong woman and I have no answers for you, but I am hoping with Angel that tomorrow is a better day for you then today was.
09-12-2009, 06:38 AM
First of all...don't apologize, sweetie. You have no need to. You have every right to feel the extreme hurt that you feel.
Oh B... to have the heartache and also the worry about your health is enough...but kidney stones too?! Sweetheart... that's way overload! Angry, hurt, scared... if you weren't feeling that way, I'd wonder if you're human. That's A LOT to go through!
I've had my share of stones...it's hell. I've had my share of man troubles...it's hell. I've not had to cope with a scleroderma scare though...girlfriend, I wish you were close...you don't need to be alone.
That marker may be there but remember that could mean nothing at all. I've got markers for things that I don't have and I've had to battle kidney stone pain. All that's ever happened are the stones though.
Oh I'm so mad at your insurance company!
I'm with Oluwa about the therapist's advice. If you want to keep working on this relationship, I would fire that joker. It's hard to see how things can be worked out apart...it takes a lot of talking, listening, working together...not apart. Oh it takes so much WORK! If you'd like to talk about any of that with me, pm me anytime.
We're here for you, Brenda, and we love you!!! :grouphug:
I'm keeping you and Rob in my prayers. (((((HUGS))))) to both of you. Rob...that woman was an idiot to leave such a wonderful guy! I'm glad you know you're better off without her. She didn't deserve you my friend.
09-12-2009, 06:52 AM
Oh yeah we only went to that therapist twice she was horrible very judgmental. And I did not want to do the whole living apart but my husband did he said that was the only way to save the marriage. Well I should have seen the signs back then, oh well. I think I'm just going to face reality and do what I need to do. Health wise my lower left side back and front is killing me :tongue2: I've drank like half the cranberry juice in the world to no avail. :cute: Once agian I luv all you guys and thanks for responding. :hug:
09-12-2009, 07:01 AM
By all means, you do what you think is best for you, B. We'll all be your support whatever you decide.
Cranberry juice didn't help me either. Nor did water. I tried beer once and I think it made it worse. Oh what a curse those jagged little things are! Nothing to do but wait.
The last bout I had was so bad nothing the ER gave me helped with the pain. The xray tech kept insisting i had to lay still for him and I kept telling him it hurts too bad to lay flat. A nurse came in and felt sorry for me and gave me something she called a six pack and ohhhhhhh mama, did that help! Heck if I know what a six pack is but I wish I had it now!
They think I have another one. I was told you can't always see them on a scan. Something is up...every now and then I'll get that familiar pain. Sometimes it lasts a day or so and goes away...sometimes just a few hours. The heating pad helps some.
Remember...all of this is temporary sweetie. All of it will pass. Happier times will come.
09-12-2009, 03:59 PM
I am really sorry, that you have to go through this. I don't even want to imagine, how hard it must be. Just know, that we are all here for you.
09-12-2009, 06:30 PM
Well it got even worse...earlier today I got really sick throwing up shaking horrific lower left side pain and I had taken 2 vicodin and did not want to drive to a hospital but didn't feel it was severe enough for 911 so I called hubby to take me and he asked me if could get there another way.:hissyfit: I was devestated he called back trying to explain since he was over 30 minutes away he thought I should get there quicker, well that's no excuse. Very hurt I once again told him I want a divorce and he called back asking why I was so upset and why I would want a divorce. He wants to talk about it, I don't know why he thinks he wants to save the marriage. He is not providing me with what I need which is a loving and caring husband. I'm sorry if he doesn't know how to express himself...when someone needs you you just don't abandon them. The last thing I want is a divorce but I now know in my heart we will not work because I am so deeply hurt by this that I will never ever trust him or his feelings for me ever again. WOW what a horrible weekend :)
09-12-2009, 07:11 PM
I am so sorry that you are going through all of this and also having to deal with complications in your illness.
Caring and comforting are like foreign languages for some men. They, often, don't seem to have a clue about how their words and/or actions come across as being callous and uncaring. I am not defending your husband's behavior, but I do think that, while they may love us with every ounce of their being..they have no clue about how to be caring, comforting, re-assuring, or dependable. I've been married for over 35 years, and let me tell you about a couple of incidents where my husband failed, miserably, to be what I needed!
Years ago, I was coming home from performing at a club. It was about 2:00 AM and my car broke down on a very lonely stretch of road. Now, this was before cell phones and there was nothing out there but me and the road and darkness. I just sat in my car, afraid, for about an hour when I saw a police car approaching. I flashed my lights and he approached me. I explained that my car just stopped running and I had no way to get home. He said that he'd take me to the police station and someone could pick me up from there. I gave him my home phone number and he called my husband (who was fast asleep and didn't even notice that his wife was not at home). When the officer told my husband to pick me up at the police station, do you know what my husband's response was?? "I'm in bed asleep, why can't you bring her home?" This conversation was over the police radio, so I heard my husband's response. The officer looked at me with much sympathy and simply drove me home. I did not speak to my husband for almost a month after that. But, do you think he learned anything? Noooooooo
I was in a very bad car accident on the freeway where my vehicle spun out of control, went over the embankment and landed on the otherside of the freeway (into oncoming traffic) on its roof. I was only slightly injured. The police arrived, stopped traffic on both sides of the freeway while they got me out of my car. The ambulance arrived and asked if I wanted to go to the hospital. I declined and they left. The police officer called a tow company to remove my car from the freeway and then asked me if there was anyone he could call for me. I asked him to call my husband (who, by the way, was a Captain in the Sheriff's Department) so that he could come and get me. Once again...another conversation that I could hear over the police radio. My husband's response to the officer's question was, "Well, why can't the tow truck driver take her home? I'm in a meeting right now!"
He didn't ask if I was OK? He didn't ask if I had been hurt or injured...he just asked why couldn't someone else take on his responsibility. The officer advised him that the tow company was 50 miles from our home and "NO" the tow truck driver WOULD NOT drive me home and that he needed to come and get me or make arrangements (immediately) for someone to come and get me. So, my husband came and got me and I wasted no time at all in telling him how callous he was, how selfish he was and how, even the police officer was shocked and angered by his unthoughtfulness & uncaring behavior! Needless to say, that led to one of our biggest fights and a near separation.
However, this is the same man who nearly dies every time I get sick - who will take on the world if he thought it would protect me - who would stand in front of me and take a bullet to save me - whose every action is predicated upon my happiness! These things he does...but never says them well.
But, often in marriage, they forget how to be what we need, but the love is still there. It is a difficult balancing act, for us, and we must make decisions that are best for us and our health. I hope that you find the answer that is best for you. But, do know that, even in this, you are not alone!
Peace and Blessings
09-12-2009, 07:17 PM
Thank you soo much Say,
I really can't believe how men can be...I am sorry but your stories made me laugh:cute: And also made me understand how clueless those we love really are. I know he loves me with all he is but I'm not sure I can look back at this and laugh anymore. Thank you soo much for being here for me I really needed that. :hug: :kiss: :hug:
My husband and i seperated in july of 2007, i moved back in in nov 2007. we couldn't get on the same page and in may of 2008 i moved out again. he got engaged in feb of 2009 and is getting married in may of 2010. i don't believe i should of left the first time. haveing that time alone i think made him think grass was greener on other side and he found what he calls now is soul mate. we were married for twenty years when all this happend. if you love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him get back into the house an work on it everyday. if you don't see yourself with him for rest of your life cut your losses. life is too short. and with us haveing what we have we have to make the best of everyday. if you need to talk send me a pm. :yes:
I am sorry you are going through such a tough time. Nothing like some STRESS to aggrevate your illness!! I can tell you that I have times when I feel alone myself. I wish you a resolution in both departments and I have to say that I agree with the trial separation, that is an odd suggestion from a therapist.
Saysusie, thank you for your stories. You put such a perspective on my life with my husband. We have lived together for 10 years and have been married for 7. I have to say that although I know my husband loves me, OH MY GOD he has those days when I think "whos is this man?" Your stories were good to remind me that comforting IS foreign to men.
THANK YOU BOTH FOR SHARING!
09-14-2009, 04:38 PM
AWWWW, SORRY im late on this one Brenda. SO sad for you:no: Life can be tough thats for sure huh:wacko: Carl and i have had our ups and downs as well, we have been together 19yrs, married for 15 of them and it hasnt been easy BUT it has gotten better. Its about HOW MUCH YOU TRUELY LOVE ONE ANOTHER and just HOW MUCH EFFORT YOU BOTH are WILLING to PUT INTO IT. WE ALL CHANGE and that can cause problems as well as MANY OTHER things. Theres a BOOK out there called "Men are Stupid and Women Are Crazy" LOL I seriously recommend it for BOTH of YOU to read! Seriously! It sums it all up and it MAKES SENSE! GOod Luck and im keeping my fingers crossed!:cute:
09-14-2009, 04:43 PM
WOW Saysusie! Did you NAIL it on the head! SO TRUE! Your story made me laugh ONLY because i CAN RELATE in some ways! LOL Men and women are SO DIFFERENT and BOTH parties HAVE to UNDERSTAND that and many other things to make it through a marriage.:cute:
09-15-2009, 09:03 AM
Once again I thank you all for all your support and sharing your stories with me. My husband and I had a long talk yesterday and realize we do love each other very much but sometimes love is just not enough if you are not happy. We decided to file jointly for divorce and continue to be best friends. We do very well as friends, I just can't handle watching him have a great life if he's with me and I'm not able to join in. Don't feel sad for us...it was a hard decision but we are trying to be happy. I feel like so much has been lifted off my chest since I started this thread and spoke with him. Thank YOU All :thanks: :hug: :kiss:
I am glad you talked with your husband. my ex and me are best friends our relationship now is better than it ever was being married. good luck to both oh you.
09-15-2009, 10:49 AM
hi brenda,first, i want to apologize a thousand times for not responding sooner....once again, a thread got lost in the cyber space here in atlanta, and i just found this thread. i am so sorry about your split. I was married the first time for 22 years, but he could not keep it in his pants, so we split after 3 children. I then married again, and we were married for 10 years and miserable....we divorced, and are best friends (with privaledges). We see no one else, and love each other very much. I have found that this really works best for me....because i don't get stressed out when i don't feel good. I don't feel pressure to keep going when i can't, and i don't worry about "looking good" when i can't.It seems that this has also releived him of the pressure that accompanies the feelings of obligations (at least for him), and we truly enjoy each other's company. We are together because we choose to be. Understand though, this also means that i find my own way to get medical help when needed, i find ways to get home repairs done, etc.....so, you will still have to become independent and you will have to call 911. This is the hard part....i want so badly to depend on someone, but i have only myself.everyone has given you such great information for you to use in your decision process. As everyone says, the important thing for you to do is what is right for you....you are number one in your life now, you need to please yourself for a change. again, i am so sorry that i just found this thread....you are not alone, we are by your side. I, like others, wish we were all closer so that we could give out real life hugs......a cyber hug to you.
09-21-2009, 04:32 PM
Okay so we signed the divorce papers today. It's very hard for me to give up on a marriage especially since we've been together for almost 12 years and married for almost 3. But one thing I have learned with this hideous autoimmune stuff. Is life is too short and you might as well be happy. For one reason or another we were not happy together and we have made a tough decision to end our marriage. We will remain friends and I am glad to have known him and married him he is a great guy and I wish him well. Thank you all for all your support through this.
Luv :hug: :kiss:
09-21-2009, 06:02 PM
:hug: B -
I am sorry to hear that things didn't end up the way you were hoping. Feel free to reach out if you want a shout or just a shoulder to cry on.
09-21-2009, 06:15 PM
hi brenda, i know you have had a tough day, i hope you are resting this evening....we are here for you.
09-21-2009, 09:28 PM
I am so sorry u are going thru this. I feel your pain. I am also married and my spouse has a difficult time as well. U will get thru it and u need only be surrounded by positive supportive people.
Having to fight with someone to be there for u or to help u out I feel just makes u feel worse and makes ur more angry.
Men...Can't live with them, and can't live without them. I've been married for 10 long, miserable, depressing, lonely, years. :laugh: The only thing keeping me from walking out that door, are my beautiful, little, innocent children. At the beginning, when things started going sour, I'd cry myself to sleep every night. Now, I just pray, that I live long enough for my children, to grow up and get married, so that I can see the look on his face, when I walk out that door, right behind them. I don't bother trying to "make things work" anymore, I'm sick of trying. We met when I was 16, married at 20. Head over heels for him at the beginning, thought I'd met the love of my life.....Yeah right!!!!! Now I'm living a nightmare, everyday of my life. All the love has turned into hate, deep down, we both know it, but so that the children don't have to suffer, we are playing the role that deserves to win the academy award. Everything about him stirs me up inside. There are days, where I can't even look at him. He's cheated, he's lied, he's cheated some more, he's selfish, heartless, and VERY STUPID!!!!! I'm over the "hurting" point. I was hurt at the start...but now I just hate him, so walking out that door will be a very happy day. Sorry, I've somehow made this about me...but the point I want to put across is this: Relationships can get very complicated, and very ugly. So even though things seem sad and lonely at the moment, it's probably all for the best. Things will get better. And before you know it, you will be looking back, realizing that the decision you made was the right one. Things always seem bad when they first happen. But give your self time, to get to know your self once again, and you will find happiness within your self.
I'm wishing you all the very best, take care, and keep moving on.
09-22-2009, 10:36 AM
I am truly sorry that you are hurting both physically and emotionally. I have no advice for you, but wanted you to know that I care.
09-22-2009, 11:00 AM
I am so sorry that you are going through the divorce process. However, you are absolutely right, sometimes love just is not enough and if the marriage has more bad memories than good, it is right that you do what is best for YOUR happiness, YOUR health, and YOUR peace of mind! In this way, resentment will not continue to build and fester. Resentment causes stress and stress is something that you do not need at this point in your life and your health. Remember that we are all here for you!
Lucky7 & Samo;
Yes, men are so vastly different from us. Many attribute it to the "Natural Order"; women are nurturers and men are protectors. So, many men feel that, if they fix our problems and protect us from harm, they are fulfilling their roles as men. I can't tell you how often my husband and I have had the "I don't need you to fix this, I just want you to understand it!" conversation.
It is funny that now, both he and I look back and laugh about the two situations that I spoke about. I have to say that now, after many, many years of marriage, my husband is the first one there when I am in need (even though he approaches it with anger at whatever and whoever caused me distress and he wants to make it right or teach someone a lesson -lol). I'm still working on that with him..but, we have to take baby steps sometimes.
But, there are still times when he is absolutely clueless...however, now he can read my face and he knows exactly where he's gone wrong and always then says something like; "Ok..tell me what I can do to help you?" or "OK, I want to understand, so tell me what you need"
Nowadays, his cluelessness is more funny than aggravating because we are both aware of our differences(lol)
Peace and Blessings
09-22-2009, 02:52 PM
Thanks again everyone. Tammy what a horrific way to live I wish you well. But children sometimes are better off when their parents separate because although you think you may be doing oscar level performances your resentment and hate towards each other will show. Please do whatever you need to to make you happy and the children will be happy to although you said it greatly It's rough in the beginning but then the healing can begin. Best of luck to you I'm always here to listen. :hug:
Today i would of been married 18yrs and been with mine for 23 years.
i am happy that we are thru the rough part and our friends. i think that staying friends is important you were drawn together for one reason.
you don't stay together because of children. i tried that and the oldest new i wasn't happy. was more stress in the house because of it.
He is now much happier and getting married 5/15/10.
we are better friends and get along better than before.
i hope this will be the same for you.
09-23-2009, 11:20 AM
I can imagine how hard your situation must be on you. I am a child of a marriage that stayed together for the sake of the kids. I just want to say that, both my brother and I agree that, things would have been much better, calmer, & happier if my Mom had just left my Dad. Living with the constant underlying dislike (that permeated every inch of our lives), constant fighting, mutual disrepect, and chronic unhappiness made my brother and I very unhappy children. On the few occasions when our Dad was out of town, the entire aura of our home changed and we felt like we could breathe and actually have happy moments with our mother. When our father returned, the oppression of unhappiness came back.
I am not suggesting that you leave your husband. But, I did want you to consider the fact that the situation may not be the best for your children and that the unhappiness in the home might be affecting them. Please do not think that I'm being harsh or judgmental, I am not. I just wanted to give you some thoughts from a child who lived in a similar situation. I hope that you are able to find some peace and happiness for you and your children, whatever you decide.
Peace and Blessings
09-23-2009, 11:52 AM
hi tammy, i stayed in a marriage infested with lies and pretention....i did this for my kids. My husband was a chronic cheater, and i kept trying to believe his promises to change. I finally called it quits when my children were 18, 15, and 12. It has taken my oldest daughter many years to settle everything in her mind, because she felt like she lived a lie. I always protected my children's belief in their dad, and never revealed the truth. When we split up, the kids blamed me and were very angry. When they finally found out the truth, my oldest was really set back....she had always thought that the problems were my fault. This has been a really difficult road for her to travel. I don't know if honesty would have been better, and i am not trying to tell you what to do, i am just sharing another perspective for you to keep in your library. Moms make so many decisions for the purpose of protecting our children, so don't ever look back and question your choices, because you do what you do because you love your children.
09-28-2009, 11:51 AM
Brenda and Tammy~~~~~~~ Im sending BOTH of you A GREAT BIG HUG!!!! Please take care of YOURSELVES through it all. WE Are here for YOU!:cute:
I just wanted to tell you that babysteps is the way I often travel with my husband. Thank you for your always insightful advice. You rock!
09-29-2009, 02:07 PM
(((((Hugs)))) to Brenda and Tammy.
Oh Phyllis...how painful for you also sweetie. ((((Hugs)))
09-29-2009, 03:38 PM
Oh so TRUE PHYLLIS. NICELY SAID:cute:
09-30-2009, 05:08 PM
Well we signed the papers last week and I was sad and got over it and then I was checking the joint account we still have to settle the debts and I saw he filed the divorce yesterday and now I'm sad again. Why is it that the things that are good for us always hurt us soo much. :hissyfit: Okay I'm better now :tongue2:
09-30-2009, 05:10 PM
I am sorry to hear all the pain and anger you are dealing with. I am not married, never have been, but I am the child of parents who were seperated and divorced by the time my brother and I were 3 and 1.5 years old. My father cheated on my mother with his HS love that later married and had 2 more childred with. I grew up with both of them being so full of resentment, anger and hate that they barely could be civil enough to say hello on the rare occasions they were together. It was not a secret that my father cheated, but it was not something that was rubbed in our faces either. When asked, we were told that they split and divorced because they had decided that they didn't like living together and they were happier apart. My brother and I have discussed this over the years and are in agreement that we are happy they didn't try to stick it out just for us. It was enough of a strain dealing with them when he came to pick us up or drop us off. On the outside, they were good actors too, but they fooled no one, most especially us.
I also see how things would have been had they decided to stay for us. My father's marriage now has been suffering for many years. He does not communicate very well with my stepmom or siblings and there is often tension between them. His relationship with my youngest siblings is also strained. The air when he is not around is so much lighter and friendlier in the house. My step-mom is finally at a point where she is seeing that sticking it out for the kids is futile and my siblings wish that they would have just gotten divorced years ago. My siblings say they have known for years (about a decade) that things are not good and I remember both my stepmom and dad thinking back then that they were clueless to the situation.
I can't tell you what to do or what is best, but I agree that you should consider that your decision to stay for the sake of your children may not be the decision they would make for you given a chance and because, as good a job as you think you are doing at the acting normal, they probably realize more then you want them to that things are not right between you and your husband.
Just remember - you deserve happiness while you are still alive to enjoy it.