View Full Version : sticks and stones
09-10-2009, 04:36 PM
i miss the days when we were children. when we actually believed that sticks and stones may break our bones but words can never hurt us. or that what we can't see can't hurt us. dealing with people who don't understand or that don't care can be very painful. we are the only ones that understand what its like to always be sick or tired or both. i may not have a diagnosis for my many symptoms but that doesn't mean that they don't exist or that they will go away if i ignore them long enough. everytime i get new symptoms i feel like i'm falling apart even more, like an old car that always needs work. but, i can't trade in my body. having a spouse that is "sick of hearing about it" is just draining me even more. a couple of weeks ago he had the nerve to say that its all in my head. that i'm just a hypo. then the other day i tried to talk to him about this subject again. he shut me out and said that if he had a disease he wouldn't want to know what was wrong with him. i asked him why this was such a hard thing for him to talk about and he said he's just not that into talking about health problems.
09-10-2009, 04:44 PM
Bet he'd be up for talkin' if the shoe was on the other foot...I have nothing nice to say so I will bite my tongue on the subject. Sounds like you have to be strong for yourself..hang in there
09-10-2009, 05:14 PM
Dealing with these diseases is very tough on us and those around us. Our loved ones don't want to admit we are sick and if they can't see it it's harder for them to accept it. I'm going through similar issues with my husband. Hang in there and you'll get through it. :hug:
09-10-2009, 07:31 PM
Men, being the little fixers that they are, get very frustrated when they can't fix us. My DH keeps it all bottled up inside of him instead of sharing his frustration/sadness with me. I have felt so very lonesome due to feeling like garbage. We married in July of 2004 and I started getting sick just after Thanksgiving in 2005. I have often wondered if he's sorry that he married me.
Like you, I want his empathy, not the magic cure all. I want him to listen and hold me when I feel like I've been run over by a truck. I want him to go to doctor's appointments with me that are anything but "routine" and most of all, I want him to not make me feel guilty if I tell him to fend for himself for dinner because if I smell anything I'm gonna puke.
Believe me, you're not alone in your frustration. The best thing that you and he can do is talk about it--even if you're afraid that he's going to be mad or his wittle feels are hurt (my DH). Otherwise, the anger, frustration and disappointment will eat you alive.
09-10-2009, 07:54 PM
i have tried many times to talk to him. but i keep getting a cold shoulder or anger from him. we've been married for almost 11 years now. i've always had health problems. you would think that after all of this time he would want to talk about it. you would think that he would want answers or have questions.
i can't help but feel that he is just sick of me being sick.
09-10-2009, 09:34 PM
He may be sick of your being sick, but marriage vows include "in sickness and in health.". Does your hubby think for one minute that you LIKE being ill?
If your hubby is shutting you out and unwilling to talk to you, perhaps he should see a therapist to work through his feelings. Once he's feeling better about the situation, perhaps you could join him for a few sessions.
I would expect that he feels guilty for being angry about your illness. Even though we love our partners, anger and resentment can creep up on us and ruin the best relationship if the issue can't be discussed and resolved in a manner that satisfies BOTH of you.
The stress of your marriage surely isn't helping your health. Please take care of yourself. If your hubby man refuses to take action, it may be time for you to see a therapist on your own so you can make decisions about what's best for you.
09-11-2009, 05:52 AM
My heart goes out to you and hope soon you get through to him. I so understand this thread and many others will too.Just know you are not alone and ITS NOT IN YOUR HEAD!!!!
Thinking of you
09-12-2009, 08:21 AM
I miss those days too! I wouldn't mind taking a trip back in time every now and then just so my heart and mind can rest from all of this. Just for a little while.
My husband and I have had a lot of trouble and are still working through it. We've been together for almost 22 years.
I don't think he'd mind me saying he's learning how to be less of an ogre. Even in the midst of improvement he will say something stupid like "I don't see how you can be in so much pain" when he does know. :grumpy: After he says these things, he will later apologize and explain to me that what he said was stupid and he was just talking out of his @ss...he didn't mean it the way it sounded.
We still have a long way to go with our communication problems. Just talking about problems is a foreign matter to him.
His perspective is...he really does love me, he just needs to learn how to show it better. I think it's the same with your husband. It took us quite a while to get just to that understanding.
I've admitted I've enabled him somewhat over the years and I do need to grow some patience while he's learning to do and be better at this marriage. Rome wasn't built in a day, yada yada yada...this is gonna take a lot of work which requires a lot of patience. He didn't have good examples to go by growing up. I'm still learning to stop myself from reacting to stupid things he says and ask myself how he really meant it. Sometimes I can just drop it. Other times I need to ask him his intentions behind what he said. There are still things each of us is not doing for the other and we're working on it.
Sometimes we still have terrible fights. Fights we should have had a long time ago actually!
It took me too long to get fed up.
Out of everything we're working on, I can say that communication is most important...even if it's done while yelling at each other, at least we're getting a notion of how the other is feeling and how much it hurts. The more stubborn I've been about it, somehow that helps mr hard headed "get it" that it's IMPORTANT and it's not going to go away. So long as the kids aren't around to hear it, it still counts as communicating.
My advice is to keep on letting him know you're unhappy being treated that way however you think would be best to communicate that to him. BonusMom is right...keep on talking. If he wont' hear you one way, there are other ways to let your feelings be known. Letters, cold shoulder right back at him, therapy... if you're hurting and lonely...well, you're hurting and lonely. You don't have to always say something to be communicating. There are other ways to make a point.
My hubby got pretty darn angry too...and still does, but I've absolutely had it. He'll just have to get over it. There are some things that are just intolerable.
I used to really hate the fighting, and I still do, but back then I hated it to the point that I'd do anything to avoid it. I didn't think it would help. After some years it got worse and I grew very tired of being miserable. Those first steps in improvement were so hard and nearly broke my heart into.
Now when we get angry and fuss...well, at least it's progressive... something comes out of it, we talk, and we apologize.
It's a huge process. I'm so sorry for the hurt you're feeling. I really am. I hope and pray your marriage improves.
I'd like to say, in some situations, it just won't work and it's not too hard for a person to be able to tell. In those situations it is better to part ways, but only when a person is very sure of it.