View Full Version : Marital Advice

08-20-2009, 03:47 PM
Sometimes lupus causes heightened emotions so I am seeking the counseling of a group of people I have grown to trust and care about. Tell me the truth about what you think, no matter what.

6 months ago I started planning our 5th year wedding anniversary. I was really excited about it, 5th year is a milestone, especially in dealing with my health and husband's Aspergers. I was working hard on my health to be well enough to ride the motorcycle to Vegas like we did when we got married.

8 weeks ago his step daughter told him she was getting married. My husband did not even think twice about canceling our anniversary. He didn't even tell her we had plans we would have to cancel. I voiced my feelings but left it up to him. He being a trucker has to plan his home time.

The wedding was postponed. Today hubby says he is now stuck taking home time for nothing. Now he wants to do something for our anniversary and I am over it. I don't want to be his second choice. I'm hurt. I have never been anybodies #1 my entire life so I am used to it BUT it hurts him now saying he wants to make it up to me. He hasn't completely owned his decision yet and I'm not letting him off the hook.

So what am I to do, to feel? How can he "fix" this? He made his choice.

08-20-2009, 07:12 PM

I am sorry that you are hurt by your husband's choice, and even more sad that you do not feel you have ever been a #1. I'm sending you a giant hug:grouphug: I have to say since my Lupus diagnosis I have been better about forgiving people and staying positive and stress free. I understand what you are feeling but I think you need to make a choice about what is more important, your husband has already made his choice and it did not work out the way he planned, so now you can choose to remain miserable and not celebrate an important milestone in your life or you can decide everything happens for a reason and enjoy your anniversary. You don't have to ride to Vegas if it's too late to replan. I say wedding anniversaries should be about recommiting yourselves to eachother, so as long as you are spending it together and you can express your love where you are and what your doing should not matter. I hope I have lightened your load a little bit. Remember we all care for you! Your great! Don't forget to pray on it...God will always be there for you.


08-21-2009, 03:02 AM

I, too, am sorry that you have never felt you were #1. I grew up in a household with a stepsister, and I can tell you that my dad seemed to always choose her over the rest of us too. He felt he had no choice, so we got used to it, not in a bad way though. He was very good to us and I love him dearly. What I'm trying to say is that maybe your husband isn't actually placing his daughter before you, but doesn't know how to fix this.

Like Natasha said, you don't have to go with your original plan, but if possible, you should. I'm sure you would have a great time, and it would bring you closer together.

Whatever you decide, be happy, and HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!


Angel Oliver
08-21-2009, 06:06 AM
Oh Ayah,

I feel your pain,ive been in a similar situation,but you know what....YOU GET OUT N CELEBRATE!!!! I know inside you feel hurt and your husband will now be able to try and right his wrong. I know you will enjoy it no matter what you both do.Otherwise you both will just stay in and not do anything and i think you deserve something nice to happen.I understand the feeling of not being number 1, but you know what you are....and you are to us...our number 1 friend.This feeling will pass,but i know you'll never forget it what he did,not putting you first as you feel,but please do something to celebrate it.Let us know.

Love n hugs

08-21-2009, 08:39 AM
Although I can nary be considered a marital expert (we're going through a VERY rough patch right now after having just celebrated 5 years of marriage), I can appreciate your hurt feelings by the choice your husband made :(

I, too, would have felt like DH's second choice if he failed to even discuss the situation with me prior to RSVP'ing to the step daughter's wedding. Perhaps DH felt like you could celebrate the following weekend (or whatever) and her special day would only be that one day. It's hard to say as I really don't understand men's way of thinking a lot of the time (sorry guys).

Let me tell you that I was deeply saddened that my DH totally forgot our anniversary last year. I didn't scream, yell or otherwise raise my voice (not my style) but when he saw how much that hurt my feelings he made darn sure he didn't forget this year (pack your bags, baby, you're going on a guilt trip!).

Like my DH, I'm sure your man didn't intentionally mean to hurt your feelings, but it does hurt--very deeply. I would do my best to pack that sadness in to your suitcase and hit the road. By the time you get to Vegas and you've been snuggled up to DH on the back of the bike, some of that hurt will have dissipated. And, should a similar situation arise in the future, I'm sure (hope) that DH wouldn't make the same decision.

My thoughts are with you...

08-21-2009, 11:08 PM
Thank you everyone for your thoughtful caring posts. Bonus Mom, sorry you are going through a tough time right now. Relationships take so much work but the rewards should be friendship and emotional intimacy. We settled this issue the same day by him owning the fact that he chose her over me. He admitted he made a huge mistake. Unfortunately it is too late now to do anything, he will not even be home. He is gone 3-4 weeks at a time, home time has to be pre-planned.

I can't help the way I feel.

08-22-2009, 10:22 AM
I woke up this morning fighting back tears and sinking into a deep depression. There is more to the story regarding the step daughter I can't say. I had been planning this for so long. It meant so much to me now I feel like such a fool for caring. I'm always the fool who cares.

Our anniversary is on September 21st. He will not be home.

08-22-2009, 06:11 PM
I know that this might not help much right now, but I want to share my hubby's favorite saying - "This too shall pass". We both agreed that we're in for the long term, but every couple has those rough patches. I know that I used to fly off the handle very easily, and I was quite insecure when we were first married. I was raised by a very abusive and psychotic mother, so I had a lot of things to work out over the years. Add to this the stresses of raising our 5 kids, and it was rough. Jeff just always said his little mantra and hung in there.
Like BonusMom, I will always remember the time that he forgot our anniversary. He wondered why I was so quiet all evening, and then slept on the couch. He was very confused, since it turned out that he had the weekends mixed up. Believe me, he's NEVER made that mistake again. Thanks to the AF, he's often been out of town on anniversaries, Valentine's Day, kids' birthdays, etc. We've just come to accept that we can always celebrate after he gets back, and still call it an anniversary, etc.
I know that it really feels bad right now, but we've found that our marriage has mellowed over the years, and now it is very, very good.
Hang in there, girl!
Gentle Hugs,

Angel Oliver
08-23-2009, 03:00 AM

Read Marlas story and i hope it helps you.I understand how upsetting this is.My husband had a son,he was only there for money,other wise we never saw him.I rarely got much.I remember one christmas id set my heart on something for him to buy me,he was going too.Instead he bought his son an expensive present and his ex's son a present too.I got nothing.So believe me i know the sting in your heart hurts allot.But like Marla said,you can celebrate it after.I know you were planning it and you feel so let down right now.I hope you begin to feel better as this isnt helping your health.We are worried about you.Let us know that you feel a little better soon.

Love n gentle hugs

08-31-2009, 03:24 PM
You have every right to feel hurt and I would absolutely feel hurt about something like that...however, who are you really helping by not doing anything on that day? Are you helping yourself? Because I'm pretty sure you wont, will you be helping him? I don't think so either. The point is, while it may feel like you're 'sticking it' to him by refusing to do anything now, you're really not gaining anything from it. It might feel kinda good to get 'even' by not wanting to do anything, but marriage isn't about getting even. He was sooooo beyond wrong for ditching the plans you guys made, no matter the ocassion- but if he attempts to make it up to you, let him!

08-31-2009, 04:28 PM

Sorry to hear your troubles...like bonus and many others on here we FEEL YOUR PAIN me and the hubby are having our struggles too, but everyone needs to resolve them their own way. It seems like there is "more than meets the eyes" (Quick what cartoon/movie?:cute:) with the step-daughter issue. You have a right to feel hurt take the time but don't let it be an eternity, and if on September 21st he's not here due to his work schedule treat yourself to something nice...a massage, box of chocalates, etc... and then tell him the day he gets back you have plans and go somewhere nice..the both of you deserve it.

And I agree with Angel you are number 1 here. By that I mean anytime you post a response you will always get at least one answer, if you PM us we will respond...so :hugs: kisses: and Happy Anniversary in advance in case I brain fog on you :)

09-29-2009, 11:51 AM
Well looky what the cat dragged in! I think you guys are the only constant in my life that I can never completely run away from when I get in my flighty run and hide phase. Thank you. I appreciate you all so much. This forum is my only online safe place where I can be myself and still be accepted, feel safe.

Dave stayed on the road for a full 7 weeks so he could be home for our Anniversary. It sucked. Did not go well for him and had one disaster after another. The trash piled up. He brought me home a very pretty silver turqoise bracelet for our anniversary. He learned a vital lesson; I come first ALWAYS.

He is starting at another company so I can go on the road with him! Aaaaahk I'm nervous! I could be with him on the road as early as Friday. I blogged about it http://dieselandlace.wordpress.com/

I love you guys. Time to catch up with you all and pray for those suffering.

06-02-2010, 10:45 AM
Remember you are always number one with God. I have been married for 47 years and dated my husband 3 years before that. There has been many trials and hurt and pain but a lot of joy too. Now that we are both retired and with each other 24-7 it adds a whole lot more things to the picture but we shall go on. I hope that you find the happiness you deserve. Love Bonita

03-10-2012, 09:38 PM
As a male, I'm a little confused here. I realise the thread starter would be disappointed at a missed anniversary, but is anyone actually seriously suggesting that this man should have missed his daughter's wedding for an anniversary, which by definition happens each year?

Or is the problem that he did not discuss the situation sufficiently?

09-03-2012, 02:04 PM
Hi good see things changing.......
your were right be hurt........in marriage we come before child,family.
we do forget and it hurts bad.
wow thats cool get go with him..........some good comfy pillows be useful....sounds fun and he like fact he be there for you if you feel poorly at any time which we lupies do often when least expect.been married 11 years now............

09-03-2012, 03:33 PM
Hi guys. We love the fact that people go back and read the posts here but please realize that some of the things you read happened a long time ago. This thread, for example, was from 2010. This wedding is long over lol

09-04-2012, 04:10 PM
so indeed it was well least you dont have foggy brain then...........ha ha

09-04-2012, 08:00 PM
so indeed it was well least you dont have foggy brain then...........ha ha

Girl! I have a terrible foggy brain and CNS on top of it! I only think to look at the date because I have done that so many times! LOL