View Full Version : How would you feel if you heard your spouse say this...
08-11-2009, 05:17 AM
Ok I can't stop thinking about this... A friend of ours is having a difficult time right now and he is considering divorce....He is my husbands best friend, they have been friends since middle school...Many years...My husband spends alot of time with the guy because they do work together sometimes...Plus the guy owns a store and we go down there all the time...
a few days ago my husband and this guy were working together and you know that when to guys get together they talk... My husband and I had been talking about him and his wife and wondering what was going on with them...so when my husband got the change to talk to him he ask, how are you and the wife doing and so on... well the question of divorce came up...the guy change the conversation and turned it around on my husband...He ask my husband Do you think you would ever get divorced??? my husbands response was no I don't think so, then his friend says is it because she is sick, is that you would not ever divorce her ?? that is part of it was my husbands response but there is more to it, she ownes everything and I would lose it all, but I do love her...Now I over heard the conversation and to later that day my husband told me about the conversation between the too and stated what he had told him which was what I heard... I cant seem to get it out of my head that he said part of it was because I was sick....
I don't want part of it to be because I was sick, nor do I want part of it to be because I own everything, yes everything is all in my name but that shouldn't be a reason to stay with someone... I ask him what he ment and he said just what he said... (being sick was part of the reason but not the whole reason):hissyfit:
I am kind of hurt and upset about that...but the rest of the converstation that they had went this way.... the friend then ask what would happen if everything was turned around and my husband was sick, did my husband think that I would stick around or leave??? he replied that he would like to think so but was not sure... hmmm not sure.... :hissyfit:
was this just a guy conversation and I took it wrong??? or were they being serious??? I understand that the friend has alot of problems with his wife and family, it's been going on for years but what the H_ll was wrong with my husband....
how would you feel about this conversation???? :unsure:
08-11-2009, 05:27 AM
I so understand why you are so worried n upset,but dont be. You and your husband are fine.Men 'talk' different to their friends, ive heard my boyfriend and its like a total different language sometimes.Its man talk.Your husband loves you and thats what matters.You husband friend is the one with the problem not your relationship. Just ignore it,move on.You have both been through so much over the years and you are sick now.Your husband is right beside you and thats what matters. When men say things to their friends,ive heard my boyfriend say stuff....later i will say...what did you mean by that you shouldnt have said that bla bla......they dont mean what they actually say to their friends....or what i mean is....men talk is sooooooooooo different to how we say things.I think ive just confused myself here lol.
Basically....if you think about it.....who knows what tomorrow will bring? Your husband loves you. Leave that conversation you overheard.If YOU had a problem you would know...you dont...your husbands friend does.
You relax and dont worry about it,you have enough to deal with.
Hope this makes sense cause i confused myself and hope you relax about what you heard.Your husband is there with you n loves you thats all that matters.
Love n hugs
08-11-2009, 05:50 AM
I understand that my husbands friend is the one with the problem and yes he has a very big problem... It was just upsetting to hear that... I know that men talk differently around each other and thought that maybe he was just trying to help his friend out and make him feel better in a way....
Oh I know that as much as my husband and I have been through that this be the least of my worries but still none the less it was upsetting to hear someone say that...
I would not want to feel like I was a burden (sp) on anyone....or making someone stay where they were not wanted...
Sometimes I feel men open there mouthes and say things before they think about what they are saying...
still it makes me mad.... :grumpy:
08-11-2009, 06:00 AM
Leann im so sorry i do know that you are so very upset about this i didnt want to write n make you think i didnt understand.I just am not good at writing it down properly.
I was just trying to make you feel a little less worried about what you heard. I am quite sure if your husband was thinking you were a burden he would certainly not be where he is now....right beside you. When you are having a conversation sometimes you try to empathise give examples n stuff and end up saying things to please someone,even if it isnt the whole truth.Just to try and make the other person feel ok.I think by the sounds of it this is what your husband did.Your husband knows he loves you n you him,so whatever he said i am hoping it was for the friends ears only and certainly not to upset you.Men do say the strangest things yet mean the opposite sometimes.
If this is upsetting you so much,why not ask him again,but i think he would say the same....he loves you and will apologise to you.
I know what you mean,and im not making excuses for your husband and hope this message isnt confusing.
08-11-2009, 06:24 AM
Open mouth insert foot. We always do that.
08-11-2009, 07:00 AM
don't worrie about you didn't upset me at all... I agree with Grime... sorry just like a man to open mouth and insert foot... but I am the type to worry about the dumbest things that he says I know he probley (sp) mean it.... but still I feel it makes the friend think well he's only there cause she sick... and yes why should I care what the friend thinks...(he's only staying with his wife cause they can't figure out how to divide up there money and property)... It's just the thought of what was said I guess...
08-11-2009, 07:15 AM
Sounds like me your husbands friend is jealous of what you n your husband have.His problem not yours.I understand fully too why you feel this way.
Davids so funny.I call my john the digger as he digs his wholes so big he falls into em...meaning he puts his foot in it also all the time.lol.
You keep strong.
08-11-2009, 07:21 AM
i agree with both grime and angel....men talk differently to each other and regularly "open mouth insert foot". I would also add another perspective....because your husband knows how badly things are for his friend, he may have been simply down playing your relationship so as not to sound like he was bragging....this may have been his way of trying to be sensitive to his friend's situation.
anyway, i do understand your dilemna about this....i know you don't want to be a burden, and you don't want your husband to stay with you just because you are sick....but remember your vows....this is what he promised. I sucks that life has thrown this illness into your lives, but it is reality, and life has a way of hitting us in the face with reality. So, for him to admit that part of the reason that he would not divorce you is because you are sick, is actually him standing by his vows. this is a good thing.
Also, for him to say no to his friend's question and to expand on his love for you, would probably be considered him being mushy....and guys just don't get mushy around each other.
i hope time will help you put this conversation in its place....which is not in the middle of your marriage.
08-11-2009, 10:47 AM
The other posters (esp Grime) are on-target, I think. We men say a lot of things to guys that 'ain't necessarily so'. Even more importantly, it sounds like this was a very hypothetical conversation and your husband may well have just been speculating, or thinking through 'what-if' scenarios.
I hope you can shrug it off.
And since you've started the 'what would you think' thread, what would you think if your spouse said what mine did the other night: that she wished she was a female eunuch so she wouldn't have the 'pressure' of having sex with me? (this from a woman who until maybe a year ago could probably be described as 'randy').
Like you, I'm still working through that one....
08-11-2009, 11:22 AM
All I can say is men can be very insensitive in the things they say. I think my boyfriend takes the cake for insensitivity. If nothing else, I am developing the skin of a crocodile. I used to be so sweet, but now I am not so sweet anymore.
If my boyfriend was staying with me because of my illness, I don't think it would bother me to much because I told him I was sick before the relationship ever began. He knew from the beginning.
I'd like to just say that the other guys are right. As men, we do talk differently to other men, especially to a best friend we've known for years. I have lived much of my life with my foot firmly planted in my mouth, which has caused many a girlfriend to plant their foot firmly in another part of my body. Sometimes our primitive man-cave rantings and language can be taken the wrong way by members of the opposite sex. :wacko:
All kidding aside, you could look at your husbands statement about staying with you because you are sick, in a different way. It could mean that he loves you so much that he would never abandon you in a time of need, when you need him the most. And that it's just one of the many good reasons why he would never divorce you. I really don't think he meant what he said in a bad way.
08-11-2009, 02:32 PM
I agree with everyone Leaann. My hubby and I have been together 22 years next month. We're still working on our communication skills. When I wonder about something he said, I ask him how did he mean it, sometimes already offended...I'm still working on that. But the things he says that seem unlike him, I don't bother asking. I know he didn't mean it how it sounded. When we were still newlyweds, it took a lot more work. We got offended at each other so easy. He'd get mad because how could I think that's what he meant, and didn't I know he loves me?! We look back now and laugh but at the time none of it was funny.
I asked him just now if a friend asked him that and he said what your husband said, how would he mean it and he said nah, he just means he'd never leave over something like that, the guy loves his wife. I don't know if that's a correct translation, but I hope you're feeling better about that by now. I can see why it would hurt your feelings... no one wants to feel like a burden.
08-11-2009, 04:01 PM
Yes men do speak differently around their guy friends, but not all of them come back home and tell you about the conversation. That means he really loves you...so although we all have doubts and sensitivities don't forget that he not only told you but he told his guy friends he loves you. My husband and I are going through issues not completely related to me bweing sick but he does let the whole world know includin g me he loves me. :valentine4: That's how guys say they are crazy about us. So go home kiss your husband and relax. And anytime you need to talk to us my ears are always available. XXOO :hug: :kiss:
08-12-2009, 10:56 AM
I do agree that men do talk differently but it still aggervates me about it...I will say that we ahve been together for 15 years only 5 months after we were married my son passed away... So I can say he has been here when life was really bad cause this is a walk in the park compaired to the H_ll I went through over that....
My husband did tell me of the conversation as he usually does, we generally talk about everything and he is always calling me when he is at work just to tell me something....
so maybe I am taking it out of context... He did know I had a problem when he got with me, it just was not this bad... Gee when he meet me I had 3 small children and was trying to support them by myself, but now he had 4 children that were all born that same year we meet...(thats another story) and we made it work this long...
Right now I just feel that no matter what anybody says I am taking it all out of the way... for some reason I am just so stressed out and there is really no need for it.... just one of those things....
08-12-2009, 11:28 AM
Lea...(((((Hugs))))) I didn't know you lost your son. Honey I'm so sorry for your loss. That must have been a tremendous and utterly painful shock in your life and a hurt you'll carry for the rest of your life.
That he was there for you during that, with three kids already, etc... that all says something. He loves you a lot.
You were offended by something that sounded and seemed bad... and there's nothing wrong with that. I love my husband very much and if he hurts me, it hurts so bad. Even if it wasn't an intentional hurt, it takes me a while for the dust to settle. He's just so good at putting his foot in his mouth. But I'll admit, sometimes it makes me want to examine our marriage a little closer because those times seem like a trust matter...and that's important...so that's when I ask if we can have a talk. It often hurts his feelings that I don't trust him to know he didn't mean something the way it sounded, but at the same time he will admit he shouldn't have said what he said. I have to trust him more and he has to work on thinking about what he's going to say before he says it. You know marriage is always a work in progress. It sounds like you have a marriage that has lasted through many a storm and that's so wonderful Lea. That he tells you things that happen at work and when you're not around is wonderful. I've asked my husband to limit what he tells me...there are just some things that guys do I'd rather not know about. Lol.
That was a stressful shock you had...takes time to get over it sometimes. It would stress me out and has many times. Lol. Just like with any "scare"... if it shakes me up, it takes me a little while to come back down. Maybe you and he could schedule some alone time...have a date...or time alone at home cuddled up on the couch?
08-13-2009, 04:47 PM
yeh My son was 6 years old when past, he would have been 18 years old this year... He is not the first one I lost though... the first one was my daughter she would have been 22 years old this year... My son drown in a swimming pool and my daughter had a genetic disorder, she died when she was only 5 hours old...
yes my husband and I have had a battle right from the start, We got together in Aug of 95 and in Jan of 96 our house burnt down to the ground and we did have any insurance... an just when things were looking up we were building our lives back and decided to get married... we were married may of 98 and son past oct 98....
We have went through his dad passing in 97 from liver failure, to my mom surving cancer.... to my 98 year old grandmother passing away in 2008... From my daughter getting married and 11 months later getting divorced and then deciding that she wants to be married to a women...
so with saying all that, I guess I worry for nothing still none the less what he said still hurt... and he knows it and and says he is sorry about it... and wrote me a nice little love letter about it...
08-13-2009, 06:54 PM
wow! I am sorry to hear of all the hardships you and your hubbyman have had to endure. You are truly strong to have struggled with and overcome so many obstacles. I don't think your honey meant to hurt your feelings, but I can understand why his words hurt. I think he meant it the way Rob explained it, but I am glad you told him that the way he said that was somewhat ambiguos and unclear and hurtful.
08-13-2009, 07:00 PM
your life is been filled with trial after trial...you are truly a survivor....
thank goodness for "love letters" they make everything a little better. You and your husband obviously have a very strong bond. It is ok that his words hurt your feelings, because your love is stronger.
Hope you are having a good week.
08-15-2009, 12:08 PM
Dear sweet Leaann, you've been through so many painful storms. My heart is heavy for you. That's so much awful pain to experience!
What a strong woman you are and what a strong marriage! Through all of that you're both still together...wow!
He wrote you a sweet letter...aw, that's so nice. I like getting those myself.
08-15-2009, 12:13 PM
Im so happy he wrote you a lovely letter,hope this helps you feel a little better now.
Love n gentle hugs to you for a lovely lady who has been through such sadness,yet fights on.Good on ya.
08-24-2009, 12:52 PM
You have been through a lot. God bless you.