View Full Version : Feeling down.......

07-19-2009, 09:16 AM
I am have a bit of a trying time right now. Some of you know that I have had some blood work done and they were focusing on if I was going through menopause at 30. Some of it came back and they e-mailed it to me and it was fine. These consisted of regular blood work like cholesterol. The rest came in on Friday and the doctor said we needed to discuss these results in person. I have always had my results given to me over the phone, this was due to that fact that they have been pretty normal or consistent in the past. Something just isn't right. I tried to get in to see him Friday but he was out all afternoon. He wanted to see me as early as possible on Monday but I can not get over to the doctors until Tuesday morning. I have been sad and worried about it all weekend. Why couldn't they have just told me this on Monday so that I didn't worry all weekend???? Poopy doctors office!!!!!

To top it off, Tim just left for 10 days. There is an annual motorcycle trip that he goes on with his brother and they leave L.A. Wednesday morning but he had to go a bit early so he could get familiar with the bike he is borrowing and to get all his gear tied down to it. He gets home one week from this coming Wednesday. They will be going through lots of mountains and there will be a lot of time where I am unable to even talk to him. Don't get me wrong, I am really happy he is going on this trip and it is great for him and his brother and all that guy bonding. I just miss him. I miss my best friend, especially when I have to go to the doctor and get some news from the doctor on Tuesday. I really wish he was going to be there with me. I asked my friend to go with me and she said of course she would go. At least I am not going to be alone.

This is the worst part I have to admit but we are always so honest with each other here on this forum and I think it will help if I just say it. Tim and I are not married and I worry that when he is gone on this amazing trip he won't want to come home to me.....I know it is silly. It is just that I am so lucky! How did I get soooooo lucky with him????? I just don't want him to change his mind about staying beside me through my disease......or I should say our disease. Please tell me I am being silly with that. We have been together for about 3 years and it has been great......even through the hard times. I love him more and more everyday :hug:

I just miss him! The good thing is that he took me to see a movie yesterday and we had a great time even thought I was still feeling bad from my methotrexate shot. It is so funny but when I know he is leaving I make sure my hand is touching him all night!!!!! I just think I need a dog to keep me company!!!!!! My wish is going to be answered this weekend......I am going to house sit and dog sit this coming weekend! It will help pass my time and, not to mention, I love this dog :veryhappy: They have actually left the dog to Tim and I in their will!!!!!!! This is also the friend who is going to the doctor with me.

Ok, I am done going on and on here! Tim will be home in 10 days and everything will be fine. Maybe the doctor just missed me and that is why he is calling me in......wishful thinking but at least I am wishing :angleic:

07-19-2009, 10:42 AM
Hi you...

Hugs...squueeze...Not want to come home to you? Oh girl, I must say you are an amazing woman and no mountain, no bike trip can compare. I read it in your words, see it in your pictures...beautiful, amazing, fill with love, spirit...kindness, friendship, fun...intelligent...

A mountain, a trail...is a moment in a a life. A hobby. Love is lifetime. When he comes home, who does he share, tell his adventure to..with excitement....? You! And I bet he is excited to share it, eh? That is special in itself. That is friendship and love. Some people come home and say nothing.

Do you have friends...hobbies, projects.. you can do? Not to forget Tim, but to speed up the time till he comes home.

Tuesday will come soon enough for your results...worrying won't make the time go by faster. Won't change the result. Worrying just makes the day longer, blue, icky and all the ugly gunky stuff. Don't surmise, analyze...try to figure it out...just time wasted when you could be having fun...doing something productive.

Accept it will be bad news. Say I can handle it...move on and if it isn't when you go in on Tuesday...then it will be wonderful news.

Keep Tim close in heart and go enjoy the day...

Hugs with love,

07-19-2009, 11:19 AM
Danica -

Have to agree w/ Oluwa! You can feel the love that radiates from the two of you in your pictures! My grandmother still tells me not to go looking for trouble when there isn't any there. Tuesday will come soon enough and worrying about it will only make you feel worse in the meantime. I know it's easier said than done, but try not to think about it. :hug:

07-19-2009, 11:40 AM
Hi Danica,

I'm sorry you are having to endure a weekend of worry after a serious call like that from the Dr's office. Why do they do that? Anyway, the way I see it, you've been given bad news before, you handled it then, and you will handle it now. Remember that our imaginations can cook up some pretty grim scenarios when worrying over a weekend like this, but those scenarios are rarely realistic, or as bad as we make them in our minds.

As far as Tim goes, I see the love between the two of you in all those great pictures you posted in your albums, and I hear the love you two share in the words you write here. Trust me, he'll be back. You say you are lucky to have him, well, he's also one lucky man to have a woman like you. Your love doesn't depend on a piece of paper with the word "married" printed on it, it's far deeper, and stronger than that.


P.S. I agree, those people at the Dr's office definitely are "poopy".:yes:

07-19-2009, 11:47 AM
You both made my eyes tear up! Oluwa, thank you for the loving words and encouragement. My friend Krya, she is the one going to the doctor with me, called a bit ago and asked if I would go see a girly movie with her and I said yes! So, we are going to see a movie that will make me laugh :veryhappy: I love to read and even color in coloring books......hobbies I picked up over the years of spending so much time in bed. I have three book I am going to read and I have two coloring books that have my name written all over them. I also want to post some more pictures of flowers and goodies I took for you Oluwa! I am going to try to keep my days full so they pass a little bit faster.......maybe I will do some yoga in the evening, that should help me relax!

You are right, Tim shares his entire adventure with me when he gets home. He takes me through everyday and every event that made him smile. He always tells me that he takes pictures and records movies so that I will feel like I was there with him. Tim is my best friend and the love of my life. I know in my heart that he will come home even more loving than when he left......if that is even possible :smlove2:

I have been telling myself that what is done is done when it comes to my lab work. Worrying about it today is not going to change anything tomorrow. What will be, will be. I am going to try and not to worry about it and when I feel it creeping into my mind I am just going to tell it to go away, there is no need for this! Lupus makes us strong and we learn very fast that we can take on anything.......I can do this and get through whatever life decides to throw my way!

Thank you both so much for your encouraging words......you made me smile through my tears! I will tell you about the movie when I get home tonight........by the way, Tim checked in and he is almost in L.A. I told him to be very careful and to have the best trip in the world and I will see him when he gets home! :kiss:

You guys are the most amazing friends and support system......again, thank you!

07-19-2009, 12:14 PM
I have to agree with everyone else, and I see that you've come to the same conclusion: You and Tim share such a bond. What he sees in you goes so far beyond your illness..he sees and loves YOU! That is such a rarity these days and you are both lucky to have found it in each other. The other wonderful thing about the two of you is that you each allow the other to flourish in doing those things that you love. There is no resentment, no jealously..just missing each other. What you have, in my opinion, is beautiful, rare, and true. I can't see that crumbling for any reason!
I also have to agree with you about the lab results. They are, indeed, what they are. But remember, whatever they are, there is something that can be done to help you. So, no matter what the results indicate, there are treatments and medications to make it better! So, there is nothing that these results can do to you that cannot be dealt with. Also, we are here for you to help you understand them and to help you decide how you'd like to proceed.
I am happy that you have a dear friend who cares about you and is willing to be there with you and for you. You are blessed, my dear!

Peace and Blessings

07-19-2009, 12:33 PM
Hi Danica,

When I saw your post I instantly empathized with you without even reading the post because you are always happy and upbeat and to see that you are feeling down makes my heart sad. :sorry: I know it is hard to have to wait for results, because then our mind starts thinking of the worst "why did they not do it this way when they always do" could be as simple as new stringent HIPPA policy in place only allowing medical conversations face to face. So I know it is a long way until Tuesday but hang in there and don't let your mind get to far ahead of you :laugh:. As for you and Tim, I absolutely agree with everyone else. The two of you are truly devoted to each other and I think that type of LOVE is great to have. He treasures you and wants you to know event the smallest detail of his trip. He will keep coming back and telling you more and more details and then one day you will look at each other 80+ years old and still be doing the same thing.:8:

07-19-2009, 12:47 PM
Like everyone else, I agree that you and Tim seem to have a great relationship, and I'm sure that means a lot to him, too. I know exactly how you feel when he's not there. Being a military wife, I've had to endure those terrible TDYs (temporary duties) when he would be out of town for days, or weeks. We military wives joke that when the hubby is TDY, the roof leaks, the plumbing breaks, the car breaks down and the kid breaks a bone. What we're really saying is that we miss them terribly. The homecomings are the sweetest!
You'll get through this, and he'll be home before you know it. I'm glad that your friend will be with you at the doctor's, and just as soon as you can, clue in the rest of your friends here on what he says. We'll all be checking this thread!
Gentle Hugs,

07-19-2009, 05:48 PM
hi danica,

i want to join everyone else in sending you words of encouragement and support....but they all said it so much better than i can, so i will just tag along with them.

Tim chooses to share his stories with you....Tim chooses you.

I am so sorry that you have had to endure the weekend worrying about the dr's. call...i know that tuesday seems decades away, just know that we are here to hear what the dr. says, and to hold your hand in support and/or celebration....

i hope you are enjoying your movie....what a wonderful friend you have. Please tell her thank you for all of us here at WHL.

07-19-2009, 07:33 PM

I know your doctor misses you and HAS to see you in person. You're an awesome person. Dont worry my dear, Tuesday will be here before you know it and Im sure its not bad news. I know its not bad news. And Tim probably will have a good time on his trip, but not good enough to forget or even want to leave his beautiful Danica. I'm sure you mean as much to him as he does to you. He's gonna be thinking about you the whole time he is gone. And trust he is thinking about you every minute. Danica, you didnt get lucky Tim did any man would be lucky to have you in their life. Im sorry your weekend is feeled with worry, I know the feeling and Im just going to tell you. If it was dire need for you to see the doctor, you wouldve seen him before Tuesday, the doctor wouldve made arrangements, trust. So try and relax a little, Im sending big hugs and positve thoughts.


07-19-2009, 07:39 PM
You love to color..me too. I have a box or two of 16 Crayolas and coloring books too. I've always loved my Crayons. I like sticking with the 8 colors usually.

I snap them in half or third.... peel the paper away and color with the side...shading areas in by pressing on one side of the crayon to give it the 3D effect....

I am excited to see your snaps, Danica...everything that is going to bloom in my garden is or has. Not much selection in a hot summer, cold winter climate. The heat is too much for alot of plants here...South Carolina is just one of those states stuck in between...can't have tropical and can't have lush evergreens....so you have faded greens plants. Or yellow from too much rain....or black from no rain...we struggle with our yard this time of the year...

Makes me yearn for Seattle all the more...no place home, ther is no place like home...

Well, girl it is my nightie night time....just stopping in to say hey..hey...

Sleep well...good night hugs.

07-19-2009, 09:54 PM
I saw The Proposal with Krya and it made me laugh so hard! I have to be honest.....when I got home I was pretty sad. The house was so quiet and still. I am used to hearing Tim call out Monkey Butt.....that really is what he calls me or even Butt Wheat at times......just thinking about that makes me smile :cute: So, the quietness took my breath away. I decided to spend the evening catching up with my family and thought this would be a great idea. I called my mom and my dad, my dad's birthday is tomorrow. Texted my sister and heard from my Timmy twice. He is happy and excited about his adventure but he does miss me. He said he misses me so much! It still makes my heart stop just hearing him say those words....even after all these years :veryhappy:

You will all be happy to hear that tomorrow night Krya is taking me home with her and I am going to stay with them tomorrow night so we can get up and go to the doctor on Tuesday. I think she wants to take my mind off of everything. Also, they are taking me up to Flagstaff this weekend instead of watching their puppy!!!!!! Puppy will be going with us and he can sleep with me so I don't get to lonely!!!!! They said it might be nice if I swing in the hamock the day after my shot at his parent's cabin.........I agree :yes: This will break up this time while Tim is gone. Once he leaves L.A. on Wednesday morning he will be out of cell phone coverage until the following Tuesday. That will be the hardest time and Krya and Brandt know that and will keep me busy and comfy. You are all right, she is a great friend!

You all have comforted me as if you were sitting on my bed watching movies with me right now. You made me cry, smile and even laugh! I did not only get lucky with Tim but I feel like the luckiest person in the world because of all of you! You are the family I get to choose and I am happy I chose you all.

Saysusie: Thank you for reminding me of the love Tim and I have and the special bond that is unbreakable. I will not worry about things because you are right.......we can handle this and the doctors will be able to help me with anything! I want Tim to be happy and part of that is letting him get away and be with his brother. He is so strong for us during the year.....he deserves this trip and this time to himself. I think that is what love is about......

Spanglishqueen: I want to be strong and a ray of light in all of your days. I have had a long time to deal with this and I have found peace with my Lupus but it still is hard at times. I am just so happy I have friends like you to pick up my spirits when they are a bit down and blue. I look forward to being 80 with Tim and looking back at all of our life!

magistramarla: You have felt this feeling so many times with your love. You are a strong woman and I admire that you give him to us to make sure we are all safe.....thank you. I look forward to his homecoming and all the pictures he has to share with me!

mountaindreamer: I just love you and you always give me sooooo much support and answers when I am looking for them. Thank you for just being a part of my life and reading my story.

Chriss: I am telling you......that is why he wants to see me!!!!! Thank you for your positive words. I will hold onto them over the next few days and will remember them when the worry wants to creep in and scare me a bit. Thank you for saying such lovely words about Tim being the lucky one. It makes me feel so special and takes the sadness right out of my heart knowing he will be coming home to me and I will be counting down the days until then!!!!

Oluwa: I also have about two boxes of crayons too!!!!! I also stick with the same colors! That makes me laugh so hard!!!!!!! I love coloring......I have been doing it with my mom for so long and when I got sick I found comfort in it! I will send you lots of pictures to keep you happy until yours bloom again! I will send flowers just for you. Thank you for all your love and support today......you have made a difference in my life today!

I will let you all know what the doc says on Tuesday!!!!!!!! I am sorry this was so long but I had to thank each of you because you did so much for me today! I love you all very much and are my family! I look forward to talking with you all tomorrow. Sleep well my loves :grouphug:

07-20-2009, 06:28 AM
Hey Danica,
That is great news! I'm so glad that your good friends are taking good care of you this week. Take it easy, enjoy your friends, and I'm sure that you will get through whatever the doc has to tell you with flying colors. Tell the rest of us as soon as you can.

07-20-2009, 06:52 AM
Hi Danica...

While little when I visited or spent the night at my MooMoo (Grandma) and two Aunties who never married I would pull out a big square box, oh, about 1/2 gallon size the size of a of assorted, broken crayons from under the stair...They are still there...smile. 40 plus years later, I am 48.

And I would color all morning with my Auntie Julia while chicken braised over the wood stove part of the electric stove. Oh, the smell of that house...home. Everything was homemade...beet relish, bread n' butter pickles, cardamon bread, cupcakes, creamed potatoes, coffee cakes for 4PM coffee...heaven on earth.

Linen was hung on th eline to air dry...even when I was a little girl they used the old wringer washer...cranked the clothes through two spindles.

That is my favorite place really to be...

They have all past, my Mom too...I have one Auntie who is still here. She is 88 and lives in that house now. Such a treat when I go home.

This is where I get my 1/2 Finnish from...pure Finn home..sauna...clean farm...just a pure, pure homestead filled with true love, innocence and kindness.

I'll have to investigate that movie out..maybe see it this coming weekend...

Enjoy the day, I am despite moaning and groaning. From expereince I know it will get better...and the moaning will drop a several decimals.


07-20-2009, 09:32 AM

so glad your friend Kyra is stepping in and helping you....spending the day after MTX in a hammock sounds like the perfect place to be.

when you said you were going to a movie, i almost recommended "the proposal". it is truly a funny movie that enables you to forget life's trials for a couple of hours.

Iuwa...yes, yes, go see it (maybe even today if you are up to it). I promise, you will laugh.

07-20-2009, 12:28 PM
magistramarla: I am excited about this weekend......anything that makes the time go by a little bit faster is ok with me. I sure do miss Timmy and I am lucky I have friends who know that and are willing to let me tag along with them until he gets home. Time seems to move so slowly when I am home by myself :veryhappy:

Oluwa: There are certain smells that I will come across and they just take me back home. I am so happy you still have the ability to go back and visit the house your auntie still lives in. It is special when you keep those ties close to your heart. I love that we take things that meant a lot to us through our lives. We find comfort in them in the most unlikely ways at times. You would love the movie! It is cute and so funny! I would even go and see it again!!!!!! You will not regret the time spent in the theater for that one!

mountaindreamer: That is so funny that you were going to suggest that movie!!!! Great minds think a like!!!! It was so funny and I loved every minute of it. It was one of those movies that you just hate to see end! I would recommend it to anyone.

Tim and I both had a hard time sleeping last night. We talked for about an hour after midnight. It is funny but both of us struggle with sleeping when we are away from each other. I hope it does get a little easier for the two of us and out sleeping because it will be a long 10 days if it doesn't..........other than that he is doing good and I am doing a bit better today. Still find myself getting sad at different times but just trying to keep myself busy. I have two magazines I haven't read yet so I am hoping to get through those today. I finished one of my books last night and will start the other one today. Coloring........all the time!!!! Hehehehehe! I will check in with you later. Wednesday starts Tim's trip and I won't be able to talk to him for about 7 days.......that will be the hard part. I will get through with all of you by my side, thank you :grouphug:

07-20-2009, 02:01 PM
AWWWW, Danica, how normal it is to have our insecurities at times in our relationships, married or not. Oluwa said it just right and im with her. Amazing woman just BEGINS to describe you. :yes: I believe you are feeling extra emtional because of your stress of the dr too. You are ALLOWED to have "MOMENTS" sweetie, WE ALL DO. Im thinking of you and very much RELATING to you as well. HUGS XXXXX

dassar RN
07-20-2009, 02:12 PM
Hi Danica,
Just touching base with you to see how you are doing? I know that you may be going through alot being at home by yourself but try to hang in there. You have been such an inspiration to others in this forum.

Times like these are difficult but Oluwa gave some very interesting points to follow. In the meantime remember how special you are in this world and you have many persons who care about your well being.

Do something fun...............you have us to talk to!!!!

dassar rn

07-20-2009, 06:02 PM
Hi you, Danica.....how goes it...my bed time in one hour. I fall asleep to Iron Chef Japan. I enjoy that show very much...not to get recipes but the skill level of cooking to me is amazing to watch. A duck cooked in one hour.

I always wanted to be a reknown chef...my creativity inside me.but I am just a cook for one. And the market, Publix is my assistant cook...

Sweet dreams when you head for the sheets....see you in the morning...night.

Love and hugs,

07-20-2009, 06:19 PM
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers for tomorrow. The results will be whatever they will be. You will not be given more than you can handle. You are strong, beautiful, loving...this too shall be only a bump in the road of your journey.

Your Tim will be home soon.

Take care,


07-20-2009, 08:52 PM
Hey Danica;
I am so glad to hear that you will be staying with your friends and the puppy will be keeping you company.
I had to chuckle about your inability to sleep without Tim. My hubby and I have been married for more than 36 years and, when we are apart, we do not sleep well. In fact, if he is not here, I don't sleep in our bedroom, I sleep in the guest room or on the living room couch. I've tried to sleep in our bed when he is not here, but I can never get to sleep. I guess that, when sleeping in a strange bed, I don't look for him, so I'm able to fall asleep. I don't know the reason, it just happens this way. So, this is something that may not change for you and Tim (lol).
Good luck on your doctor's appointment and let us know how you are doing.

Peace and Blessings

07-21-2009, 01:32 AM
lucky7: Thank you so much for your kind words. I will hold them close to my heart tomorrow and the days to follow until my Monkey gets home! I think you are right, I am feeling very vulnerable and it has a lot to do with stress and not sleeping. Hopefully it will get a little bit better after tomorrow. I am so lucky to have you in my life!

dassar RN: I have to tell you what I did tonight. So, my friend Krya is a biologist and is a teacher at the university here in town. She is actually working on putting an exhibit together so that the public can come in a see exactly what animals live here in our desert. I love the idea and she is working so hard so it will be wonderful! Tonight we went toad hunting and non-venomous snake hunting! It was so much fun doing it in the rain! I love to explore and this was just another adventure to ass to my long list. We didn't find anything so we are going to try a different area tomorrow night! I can't wait :yes: Being alone at home is tough and I really trying to keep busy and just talking to all of you helps me tremendously! Thank you for being a part of my life!

Oluwa: Sleep tight my sweet Oluwa! I have to tell you that I love to cook!!!! I really like to bake.....anything from breads to cakes! My favorite is red velvet cake. I made one for Christmas and Tim and I ate the entire thing!!!! I made it from scratch......even the icing was homemade! I loved it......mmmmmmmmmmmm, it is making me hungry just thinking about it! Cooking shows are the best and so much fun to watch and get ideas from......keep watching and we should start a thread that allows us to share recipes!!!!!

Jana: Thank you for your inspiring words and that is really what I keep telling myself.....what will be will be and there is no amount of worrying that will change that at this point. It is now time to breath and relax and have faith that everything will be ok. I will keep your words close to my heart as I make the drive to the doctors office tomorrow.

Saysusie: Oh no......this will never end!!!!!! I always laugh when I think about it :-) I know what you mean about the bed issue. Our bed never feels the same when Tim is gone and I find myself building me a cove out of pillows and surrounding myself with sock monkeys!!!!! I actually hope it never changes.....it makes me realize how good I have it when I feel like this and I can appreciate him even more when her gets home! We will be driving from Ohio to Phoenix in about two weeks. My grandma is leaving me her car! I am excited to just have some time with him......just the two of us for a week in the car! Some people think I am crazy but Tim and I love each others company and love exploring new ares, so, it will be a new adventure and lots of fun! Thanks for talking to me and helping me get through this :hug:

I love you all very much and really appreciate the support and love you are surrounding me with......it is a little less lonely in my heart tonight. I will let you all know about the test results as soon as I get home tomorrow. I will be thinking about all of you and will keep all of your encouraging words close to my heart :grouphug:

07-21-2009, 03:29 PM
Well my friends....the doctors appointment came and went. There were a few things out of wack. The first was my oxygen level, it was to low so we increased my asthma medicine. My good cholesterol was high, which is good......triglycerides were normal; however, the bad cholesterol was about 40 points to high. He said based on my other tests and my weight, my eating habits were fine and that this was caused by genetics. He said my weight is perfect and so I should not change any of my eating habits. He did tell me that I should exercise a bit more just to get my heart rate up but other than that we are going to try and treat that with supplements at first before prescriptions.

Now the test we have been all waiting for.........it looks like my hormone levels are down really far and this is an indication of the whole menopause thing. He said I was not crazy and I was defiantly having hot flashes......the labs proved that! There is only one test that made him a little concerned that there could also be something neurological going on too. So, menopause is what we are thinking and I may need to go see a neurologist and an endocrinologist over the next few months. I am going to do research on how to treat these hot flashes naturally. Any suggestions?????

I am doing ok with all of this......at least most of the time. I am happy I am not going crazy with the whole hot flashes and that there is medical evidence to support what my body is going through. I am just sad about the whole kid issue. It is one thing for me to make the choice to not have children.....it is another to have that choice taken from you. I am worried about Tim and even our families and how they will take the news of no grand kids coming from this side. I know I can adopt and I know I would love a child no matter who it came from but I have been thinking about this and really think I could be happy in a life with just Tim and I and a puppy or two. We could travel the world and be selfish with our time.......I have to look at it positive in one way!!!!! Why does it feel like all of a sudden something is missing???? Maybe it is because Tim is gone right now and I wish he was here.......I am staying with Krya tonight again and will head back home tomorrow. I don't know if I have told you all or not but about 4 weeks ago I started watching my friends 9 week old son during the day. It keeps me busy and allows me to bring in a little money; however, I really don't feel like being around a baby tomorrow.....is that horrible???? I will watch him but I just don't want it to make me too sad.

Please tell me everything will be ok......I just feel like I am on this out of control roller coaster and I can not stop it. I would like a cotton candy break from the ride eventually!!!!!! I am going to go and swim with the puppy for a bit.......out of the sun of course :veryhappy:

Angel Oliver
07-21-2009, 03:42 PM
First im glad you have a good doctor who is thorough and is helping you.Im so sorry to hear about they think its the menopause.If it is there are other options available,but i so understand you must be so heartbroken,if it is that. I wish i could give you and your puppy a big hug right now.Take one day at a time.Try not to think about the what ifs.Deal with one thing at a time,so you dont get overwhelmed.We are all here for you.

lots of love

07-21-2009, 05:25 PM
Red Velvet Cake, yummy....you'll have to share the recipe. I'll whip it up for when my family arrives for a vacation in August.

I went into menopause too, now I am post menopause. It just stop 3 years ago, with none of the horror stories. They think it is because of Lupus or I must have started menopause in my 30's too and went unnoticed.

We can talk about the something missing when you feel like it, if you like. I know the feeling...my husband and I attempt INVITRO twice...failed. His little tadpoles were poor quality, so our chances to conceive naturally were basically nil.

Everything always works out, you'll see....enjoy your swim with the puppy, have a wonderful dinner...

Love with hugs.

07-21-2009, 05:37 PM
If I was there right now, I would give you a big hug, share a tear or two, and then tI would tell you the awesome story of a dear friend of mine, also diagnosed with early menopause at a very young age. She was devastated. Like you, she had not yet decided whether to have children, but she was angry that the choice would not be hers. My friend, however, is a person of tremendous faith.

A few years later, she reconnected with a wonderful man who later became her husband. He knew she was unable to have children. They loved one another, and accepted that this was their reality. One day, she felt compelled to research adoptions. What was once merely a curiosity became a force in her life to be reckoned with. She and her husband fought long and hard to become the proud parents of a little girl from Russia. They saved her life. And then, several years later, they did it again. Another little girl, who would have been lost to the world, was found and brought home by these wonderful people. When they arrived at the airport with their first daughter, there were at least 50 people (friends, family, acquaintances) who were there to greet them. There was not a dry eye in the house.

I share this with you because we never know what lies ahead in this journey we call life. Whether you adopt children, puppies or one another (you and Tim), you have a purpose to fulfill that is special and beautiful, all on its own. You will face this challenge with the same courage and grace with which you face this beast called lupus. In time, you will be at peace about this.

Watching your friend's child may be difficult, but there is beauty, even in a difficult time. Look for it. Be faithful.

I pray you have peace and understanding as you go through this moment in your life's journey.

With love,


07-22-2009, 12:48 AM
Thank you all for the support and loving words......I can always count on all of you. The sadness comes in waves.......at times I feel better and I think that everything is ok and then bam! I start feeling sad again. I keep telling myself, like everything in life, the next day brings new light and a new beginning. I have faith that tomorrow will be easier today and everyday it will get better. I think if Tim was home and I could look in6to his eyes I would feel better but that will just have to wait for a week.

Amanda: I will work on the what if thinking. You are right, there are other options and this will be dealt with in a positive way and surrounded by love. Time will tell with everything. That you for your kind words. You have always been there for me and I can not tell you how much that has meant to ne from the beginning.......you amaze me :hug:

Oluwa: I wish we could bake a cake together and then sit down and eat the whole thing while sharing stories and laughing. You make me smile and thank you for sharing your story with me. I am sure that was a tough time and I am sorry you had to go through it but I am thankful I have someone to share this feeling with. It is just hard all around. I have to remember that I am surrounded by love and support and that will get me through all of this. I would love to talk a bit about all of this. I am ready whenever you are ready!

Jana: I can feel your hugs and love you have sent me! I needed that and it feels great knowing someone is thinking about me during this time. The story you told me gave me hope and it was very inspiring, especially after today. You are right, I have to have faith that life has a plan and it will be filled. We never know what tomorrow holds and we need to let just let thing happen. Thank you for all you love and support right now......I appreciate more than you will ever know.

Well loves, I better scoot out of here and try to get some rest.........I am sending you lots of hugs! :grouphug:

07-22-2009, 11:19 AM
Hi Danica,
I just now read your post, since I was busy yesterday with by sick "baby" - Casper. I got to bring him home from the vet's office!
I'm so sorry about your news from the doctor. I seem to remember that methotrexate can have an effect on our reproductive systems. Could taking it have anything to do with this?
I loved the story that Jana told you. It made tears come to my eyes. I've heard some similar stories myself lately. The hubby of the librarian at Marshall H.S. was on a missionary trip to Russia. While there, he fell for two teens, a brother and sister, at an orphanage. He flew back, got Sue, and they both flew to Russia and adopted those kids. They had already raised their own three kids, and then took on two more. The two teens did very well at Marshall.
More recently, one of our teachers at Warren was leaving this summer to pick up his new little daughter from Russia. He and his wife have two boys, and couldn't have more, so they were determined to have a little girl.
My own daughter Hillary, who has a ten year old boy, can't seem to have another, no matter how hard they have been trying. They are now considering adopting a baby girl from either China or Russia. Those little ones, especially little girls, really need loving homes. Grandma is very thrilled at the idea of a little "China doll" to dress up and love!
I like Jana's idea that we never know what life's journey holds for us. Perhaps that is what life holds for you and Tim - to be the saviors for a sweet child who needs you very much. Just hold onto this idea. I'm sure that it will all work out for the best for you and Tim. You are such a great couple.
Gentle Hugs,

07-22-2009, 11:38 AM
I can relate to the feeling when it comes to having children! As I have not been told I can't get pregnant I know it's not going to be a reality. I want to carry my own child so very much but with everything my body has gone through I know this is probably not a good option! I too know that we could adopt but it's not the same as being pregnant but is one option on the table. And to be honest with they way I have been feeling over the past 5 years, I don't know if I have the energy for a baby. So my hubby and I may be a selfish couple too and travel and we have a doggie (I have an old english sheep dog). My dog is currently my kid!

I cry often when all of my family members and friends are getting pregnant but I guess that's how life is. One day maybe God will bring a child into my life and that child may be older so I can care for it!

I am here for you and willing to cry or laugh with you through the trials of being young and battling with having or not having our own biological children...I'm just a few key strokes away!

07-22-2009, 11:56 AM
I PMed ya...


07-22-2009, 11:46 PM
You are all my angels. I feel your love and support everyday. When I feel like crying I just pop on here and read all thew loving and supportive comments. It is helpful to hear of others going through this pain, though I do not wish it on anyone.

magistramarla: I am so happy your little baby made it home safely from the vet. Any new news on the adoption of the older kitty????? I would love to adopt and I would love to save a little life and make sure the little one doesn't face the struggles it would have if he or she had not been adopted. Do you know how long the adoption process took? I think that would be an exciting adventure!!I have read numerous research that has stated that methotrexate could possibly have caused this but I have also read that Lupus is playing a huge role. It is sad that we go through so much with our Lupus and then to top it all of there are the secondary illnesses that come along too! I am not a bus.....this ones full so jump off you nasty diseases :drive:

ButterflyRN: I also do not feel that I have the energy for a newborn. I am so exhausted and feel the lack of energy would affect my little one. I would love to adopt and infant from another country. There is always one way to look at it.......why bring a child into the world when there are so many already here that need loving moms and dads to take them and love them unconditionally. It still doesn't take away the sadness we feel at times. I would of loved to be pregnant and go that change and the thoughts of your child growing inside of you. It will get easier and I really think when we have to accept something like this you go through a mourning phase. We just ned to all stick together and share our thoughts and feelings with each other so that we can move away from this in a healthy manor. I am also here if you need to talk about anything. I can really cry with the best of them :cry2:

I love you all and I can not that you enough for all the love and support you have given me. I know I will get with this because I am strong and I have friendships from you :grouphug: