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leaann
07-17-2009, 08:37 AM
I have told my family a million times stress is killing me they don't listen to me. :hissyfit:

My daughter who I love very much but consider to be an idoit right now, is stressing me out.(she's only 20) 2 years ago she met this boy and was head over heels in love with him, they ran off before she was through with school, granite she finished high school and now goes to nursing school. but anyway they moved in together. My mom who I love dearly does not understand why young people feel the need to move in together, wants them to get married.
After a year my mom who is in her 60's talks my dad into throwing them a wedding. They get married. I think they were 2 young. I made that mistake once.

anyway this Aug 8th they would have made it to 1 year anniversay. I was so happy she looked like she was getting her life together. School, and work and her husband got a great new job thanks to my husband. They had a nice little apartment. Then disappointment happen when they lost thier baby in jan. daughter had miscarrage due to medical issues from birth. (she was a premie) don't know if she can have children.

Anyway about a month ago the fireworks started my daughter ran off with a women. Right out of the blue. No warning or nothing leaving her poor husband in the wind. ( I don't like him but that's another story) but I do feel bad for him over the way my daughter treated him. I tought her better than that. So I am not suspose to know that she ran off with this women.

My daughter involves my mom in this. My mom is not up for all this she has been battleing kidney cancer for almost a year, and has other health issues. Now my dad on the other hand has his health issues as well. (mom and dad been married 46 years) think it's wrong to get divorced for any reason (just old school)

Daughter moves in with them -messing up their world. My mom she has to go with her sister to Atlanta (sister liver transplant recp 4 years now and in late 70's) her son who is my cousin has to go to the hospital (back surgery) and other health issues. Neither my mom nor my aunt needed to go to Atlanta, but how do you stop them.. You don't... Anyway the whole time my mom is gone by son in lawa and daughter keep calling her about their problems in return my mom keeps calling me.

I am in walmart yesterday with my husband... went out to get away from stress. (didn't work) while in walmart my mom calls me from the hospital aggervated and upset over the situation. Needless to say my mom was so upset before leaving she left all her medication at home and had to get dr to call in some refills for her while she is there.I told my mom when I got through at walmart I would call her. She called 20 times I finally turned my phone off. just when I thought that would work my mom, my daughter call my husbands phone, I have to turn mine back on and before you know my daughter and her husband were at the court house signing the divorce papers (takes 30 days in Georgia to get divorced).

Mom is so upset I told her that she needed to focuse on why she went to Atlanta and not worrie about what was going on here. She want listen. :grumpy:

I can't take this anymore, they are driving me nuts.
Should I just put up with it or tell them I can't handle it right now.
I just want to scream and run for the hills and hide till the mess is over with.

I want to take my husband and we both want to run away from home. :angry-explosion:

Oluwa
07-17-2009, 08:57 AM
Head hugs...squueeeze...I just have one question...why do want to own anyone problems. You have your own, don't make theirs yours too.. They are all grown, adults.

Run, shut the doors, shut the telephones off, cells too...

Mom is so upset I told her that she needed to focuse on why she went to Atlanta and not worrie about what was going on here. She want listen..

In place of the word Mom, insert Leaann....and replace went to Atlanta with needs to avoid stress.

Love,
Oluwa

rob
07-17-2009, 09:39 AM
Hi Leaann

At one point in my life I was surrounded by people who were literally killing me with stress. I guess that's why I live alone, in the middle of nowhere now. I couldn't deal with it anymore, I was in a perpetual flare. I changed my phone to an unlisted number, and only three people have that number. No cellphone. No answering machine. I rarely have visitors, and unless it's someone I specifically invited over, I don't even answer the door. And I don't invite people over, so...

I know it sounds extreme, but it's what I've had to do to take care of me. Nobody else is going to do it for me. You need to make yourself and your health priority one. I'm not saying you need to become a hermit like me, but Oluwa is right, you don't need "ownership" of other people's problems. And there's nothing wrong with being "selfish" when it comes to protecting your own health and well being. It's hard to do, but you need to eliminate as much stress as is practical, and possible. It can take time, it did for me, but it can be done.

Rob

dsunshine
07-17-2009, 09:44 AM
Sorry to hear your stressed...One thing I had to learn...the hard way after being stressed and having THE WORSE FLARE UPS EVER...is let it go. Let go and let God!!! I just try to let things roll off of me especially if I have no control or resolvement for the situation and I have expressed and told my family/employer the same. I use to get so upset and worry about everything. Now I walk away and let everyone know I can't be stressed out as it makes me sick and causes flare ups that I am not willing to undergo for the sake of listening or dealing with issues that are beyond my control.
I send you love and hugs!!!

leaann
07-17-2009, 10:56 AM
Well we don't have alot of people over to our house and we live in the middle of no where and everyone in the family lives about 40 to 60 miles away. If I turn off the phone I fear my mom will have a problem and I am the only one that can see about my parents. I have ask my daughter to not involve me.

She was nice and did come to see me and we had a lovely time, without much talk about her problems.

just to much stress at this point about the issue and I just get tired of hearing about her problems.

karenboss
07-17-2009, 04:06 PM
all that drama - that sucks. The worse seems to be that it's Mom not daughter that's really keeping the drama at a high level.

I really admire you for your love and acceptace of your daughter. Hang in there.

But I think it's time for daughter (if not mother 'cause she isn't going to change) to learn to support you too, she's old enough to start learning that now.
Everytime she trys to talk about her problems give her a few minutes then tell her about your problems. Even if you don't particularly feel like talking about your problems, she needs to learn.

If it doesn't work you can always move to Belize or something :)

My oldest is 30 already - the 20s are very trying.

hugs

Danica01
07-19-2009, 07:23 AM
I am so sorry you are going through this! When things get really bad just breathe!!!! Stress is so hard to deal with and it is really hard when family is at the center of all the stress. It is hard to separate our lives from theirs, especially when theirs is causing us problems. You are going to have to find away to do this when it gets this bad! I don't want to see you get sick because they are causing you stress. I know it is easier said than done and I am still working on this aspect of my life too. My family lives really far away and they seem to find away to cause me problems. I am happy I live thousands of miles away........I have a little separation at least :veryhappy: You will figure it out and until then we will be here for you! You can vent to us about anything at anytime! Remember.........take a deep breath and let it out and turn your phone off every once in a while :cute: I am thinking about you and sending you lots of hugs to get through this :hug:

rob
07-19-2009, 11:43 AM
How are you doing today Leaann? I hope all is well with you.

Rob

Saysusie
07-19-2009, 11:51 AM
I was just about to ask that same question. Your daughter is still very young and believes that she is much more mature than she truly is. Being young, she still makes ill thought out decisions and reacts to situations by making them extreme.
Everyone is correct, you need to focus on your health and they need to be made aware that your health cannot tolerate the stress that they are involving you in. I'm not sure why your mother would call you 20 times after telling her that you'd call her back. That sounds like a very inconsiderate act to me. Whatever their motivations might be, you should find a way to untangle yourself from them because, as you said, the stress can literally kill you.
You'd be surprised how all of these adults will be able to work out their problems without you! In the meantime, you work on you and on your health. I wish you the very best and please let us know how you are doing.

Peace and Blessings
Namaste
Saysusie

Danica01
07-19-2009, 11:16 PM
I really hope you are doing well tonight and that life has quieted down for you. I am sending you peaceful thoughts and lots of hugs to get you through the hard times :hug:

leaann
07-20-2009, 07:10 AM
I wanted to scream last night the pc went down and didn't think it was going to recover. Lucky my son was able to get it back up and we didn't lose anything. It's hanging on by a tread...

Well I think my mom got the idea that I needed to stay out of it when my husband had a talk with her for over an hour last night. Once he talks to her she gets mad and doesn't want to talk for awhile...I think the next time she starts up I am handing him the phone...

My mom came back from Atlanta ok to only break her foot, crazy she goes all that way nothing happens gets home and falls in a hole and breaks her foot then refuses to go to the hospital my dad had to force her to go. ( she doing better now).

Saturday night hubby and I got away from it all turned the phones off and went to see some friends of ours. It was good cause I had rested for 2 days before and had drink 2 energy drinks that day, because of it I think the hubby realized that I needed to plan for things before I did them. (which I think Helped with some other issues going on)

As for yesterday spent all day swollen up and couldn't half walk but I am feeling better today.

Right now everyone is asleep... It is so nice first thing in the mornings...My time...

mountaindreamer
07-20-2009, 10:32 AM
hi lea,

sounds like you have found the perfect defense weapon, your husband. I agree, whenever your mom calls 20 times with all of her drama, just pass the phone over to your hubby....he is your "knight in shinning armor"

My kids used to get my mom involved in the drama of their lives. I explained to them that each time they call her with their problems, she calls me and rips me a new one for not "being a good mother". I finally reached a point where i refused to get involved in their drama....i gave them ownership of their actions, and i absolutely do not get involved. But, i had to do it with the kids....my mother is not going to change, so i adjusted my "need to help".

so glad you and hubby got away saturday night....you were so smart in your preparation for a night with phones turned off.

lucky7
07-20-2009, 03:26 PM
Hi Lea, motherhood is rough no matter what their age because we ALWAYS will WORRY about them. I UNDERSTAND completely BUT YOU DO need to put yourself FIRST for a change. I have had a really hard time with this myself BUT im getting better at it as time goes by. My kids UNDERSTAND NOW that mom is worse when they arent being RATIONAL. Lupus has been bitter sweet to me actually, my kids and my husband have stepped up to the plate in ways i NEVER could have imagined. YOU have to get this point across to your family as well. I agree with the others about handing the phone to your hubby or just do what we do and unplug it when im having a BAD flare. I do this ONLY when my whole family is home and a cell phone is left on for any EMERGENCIES from other family members and/or friends. Otherwise, NOPE, we ignore it,my health matters MORE. WE are in control of how we react to things going on around us and i have learned to be MORE rational in my life so my kids have their mom around and my husband has his wife around as well. DO it for THEM as well as for yourself. Im not saying i dont have my days BUT they are a fewer than they used to be. GOOD LUCK and GENTLE HUGS XXXX

Danica01
07-21-2009, 01:48 AM
If it isn't one thing, it is another! The story of our lives :yes: I happy to see that your family is cooperating and that you have set some boundaries. You are probably right about your mom so it is on you to make sure you give yourslef some space whan she is pushing you too hard! I think husband should be elected phone duty from here on out.....he will tell them how it is and you will never have to worry about it again! Hang in their love and I am thinking about you :angelic:

crmj1183
07-21-2009, 05:56 AM
You should definitely tell them you cant take on their drama right now, well at least your daughter. Your mom on the other hand thats a tough one, because it is your mom, she doesnt need to stress either with everything going on. It really all goes back to your daughter she is the root of it all. Maybe you should try talking to her and asking her to be a little more considerate for everyone elses feelings. Tell her its not all about her and explain that stress aggravates your illness. Im sure you've tried that already, but since Im 25 I can tell you how I would like to be approached. When I was her age I thought I new everything and nobody could tell me anything because i was GROWN, ha! I later learned age does not define whether not you are grown its whether you can stand on your own, without help from mommy, daddy, grandma, etc..... Anyway I hope things get better for you soon, take care of yourself. Hang in there


I hope what I said helps
Love Chriss