View Full Version : My so- called night out.....

07-11-2009, 06:45 AM
So, yesterday I was feeling a little discouraged about my whole lupus nephritis bit and I told one of my friends " hey Im really down i just wanna get out and have some fun forget about things for a minute" blah , blah whatever. So my friend is like "awww honey Im sorry ok we can do something" We were supposed to me at 5:30pm for dinner..... well 6:00pm rolls around I call her and she's like oh IM waiting on my boyfriend to get home because she was watching HIS daughter. She said he should be home any minute I'll call you in a bit. I said ok and hung up the phone, now mind you that earlier I told her I was starving I didnt mention that in the beginning of my story. Anyway 7:00 rolls around she sends me a cowardly text " go ahead and get yourself something to eat he's not back yet, he had to stop by one of his properties to cut the grass" at this point Im livid, hurt, all those emotions, because I told her how much getting out meant to me and she completely flaked me. The only reason Im so mad is because she shouldve told me earlier she couldnt make it, but I still wouldnt have cared because she is soooooo selfish!!! Im always there for her and I ALWAYS ANSWER MY PHONE when she calls. Everytime I need her she has some drama or something and frankly Im just tired of understanding, especially when its not recipricated. Im getting rid of all selfish people.

Ohhhhhh but the night gets better..... My other friend sends me a text in the midst of all of this and says "hey wanna go get some food" so Im happy again and Im like yeah, I tell her Im glad she text me I need to get out Im sad, blah, blah.... so I tell her Im on my way to the restaraunt and when I get there I CANT FIND ANYWHERE TO PARK!!!!! Downtown Detroit is a B*%#$ for parking and there was a Tigers game going on. I DROVE AROUND FOR 30 MINUTES!!!! I called my friend and told her I cant find anywhere to park and did she just wanna go somewhere else? She said NO, I just ordered food and a drink so I'll just call you when I get done, Im like so thats it? I drove all the way here and drove around forever to just go back home? Then she suggested the most absurd thing Ive ever heard..... She told me to park in a pick up zone and if they come to tow it just hurry up and go out there to move it. Is that the dumbest idea you've ever heard???? Keep in mind guys I cant walk either because my legs, ankles, feet are swollen and she knows this so parking close is my only option or in handicap. Then she says Im having a drink right now and this conversation is blowing me and if your not going to park there then I'll call you when I get done, the phone hangs up.
Im upset a tear drops and I just pull off and drive to nowhere.

There's more my sister in law calls me and tell me to meet her some place with her friends. I did meet up with her and spent the rest of the evening with her and I had a good time which at the end of the day is the only thing that matters. But I realized something very important...... I NEED NEW FRIENDS ALL MY FRIENDS ARE THE BIGGEST LOSERS!!!


07-11-2009, 07:41 AM
Hey thats sad,

Your not the first to go thru this, and i dare say not the last either, i had the same probs with my friends to, now i just dont bother explaining to them i just phone them drop of hat "coming out" yes or no, that must of been really frustrating for you, 2wice, it really pisses me off when "friends" are not honest from the start!

Im glad tho you managed to have a good time with ure sister, thats the good thing about family.......they never let you down!

Hope your weekend is much better for you


07-11-2009, 07:47 AM
Chriss, honey, I'm am so sorry! :hug: I definitely agree you need new friends. Have you tried talking to them? Telling them how you feel? Maybe they don't realize it.

I have only one friend right now for pretty much the same reason. I've never really gotten along very well w/other women and when I do make friends, for some reason, they always seem to be very self centered. I'm trying to make better choices in my friends.

I'm glad that you ended up having fun. You're right that is what's important, but it would have been nice if you didn't have to go through the other crap to get there!

07-11-2009, 07:58 AM
I know exactly how you are feeling. My two best friends went through divorces in the past couple of years and I was there for them morning, noon, night and even in the middle of the night. I found out last summer that I had lupus when I was put in the hospital. I had an awful summer because I was in and out of the hospital and going back and forth to Mayo Clinic. But when I would ask for help with anything she was not available. But whenever she needed anything she would call or call me whining about her life. This is when I was on 110 mg of predisone and lots of other drugs and my body was going thru hell. So to say the least I do not talk to them anymore. This is another reason this disease really sucks!!!!

Angel Oliver
07-11-2009, 08:02 AM
Oh im so sorry you had t go through all that.Some friends are so self centered.Im glad it ended on a better note.Unfortunately at times like this,we then find out who really are true friends.I have come to learn recently,i have no true friends at home.I have to jump when they want me,to listen...but when i call or need them....they either are 'too busy'' or just forget me.Hard lesson,but at least now,when you find new friends ,they WILL like you for you,who you are now.Sending you gentle hugs.I did used to also make excuses for my friends like,they have a family,they're busy,but at the end of the day,friends are not supposed to let yu down constantly or make you cry....thats how i learned.
We are always here for you.Hope today you feel a little better.
lots of love

07-11-2009, 08:41 AM
Thanks guys,

I have tried talking to them and they just dont seem to get it. They say they do but clearly they dont. They are what you would call a fair weather friend, when Im well its all good but when Im sick or emotional from my issues they are all GHOSTS. That experience was an eye opener and I learned and Im better for it.

Angel Oliver
07-11-2009, 08:46 AM
Well always know we are always here for you and in time your new friends will always be there when you need them and not be fair weathered.

lots of love Amanda.xxxxx

07-11-2009, 09:45 AM

you are absolutely right! Im not sweating it anymore. My friend made me cry yesterday thats unexceptable and at that moment I realized..... Im never talking to her again she doesnt know it but me and her are so over...... WE NEED A NEW WORD!

Thanks for listening

07-11-2009, 10:10 AM
Oh Chriss, I am so sorry to hear that your friends have not been true friends. I had a fair weather friend too. I always made excuses for her. Finally, I realized she isn't worth my tears and dumped her too. I don't want friends who are only their when the time is good for them. It was a hard painful lesson and I am sorry to hear that you are learning it now. If you lived in the NYC area I would say feel free to give a shout when you are in a go out mood, but I think you are on the West Coast. I am glad that your sister helped you salvage the end of your evening.

Angel Oliver
07-11-2009, 10:39 AM
The thing is when you have friends who upset you,because you are alone or feel it,you'll find you will still make the call,no matter how you feel as there is noone else.I do this,only cause i dont want to loose a friend ive known for so long.But,i feel the distance is coming between us and i am getting prepared for one day not having them in my life.
I have lost many friends and it hurts when they go,the love is still there,but to keep them in my life is making my heart sad,so unfortunely i know it'll happen.
We all have paths in life,at some point our paths change....so it must be one of those things, life changes. we have to do to feel better.But then as we feel so sad and alone,like we have noone....sure enough we make new friends who suddenly appear on our new path of life.
Sometimes i wish we could stay on the same path always,but life isnt like that,so good luck on your journey and know.......you have already made some good friends here already who care n who understand and will listen,no matter what you have to say.

Lots of love Amanda.xxxx

07-11-2009, 10:59 AM
Yeah, Amanda I think you hit the nail right on the head. And yuo guys r just awesome.

Sandy, I live in Detroit... Midwest and yeah if I was in Ny I would definitely call you seem like a very sweet person and I could always use a sweet kind friend:yes:. So if i ever come to visit we should definitely do lunch or something:yes:

Thanks for being there guys. U have made my day

07-11-2009, 11:11 AM
that sounds like a plan to me!!!!!! :laugh:

07-11-2009, 11:28 AM

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have friends again (other than online). Living a solitary life has it's ups and downs, but it's OK as I don't have to put up with stuff like this. I'm sorry you had such a terrible time. People can be really inconsiderate and self centered. It's best to weed out all the "fair-weather" friends, and put your friendship and effort into just a couple of really good people. Be the best friend you can be to the ones who consistently care, and forget about the rest. Quality over quantity.


07-11-2009, 11:39 AM
Hi Chriss,

I'm in Metro Detroit too, so I know exactly what you mean about not finding a place to park downtown. In fact, I just stopped going because I have too much trouble walking...not to mention with the brain fog I get hopelessly lost sometimes.

I'm really sorry to hear about what happened with your friends. I know how much it hurts to be let down by the people you care about. When I was first diagnosed, I 'changed' friends. As awful as it was at the time to be hurt by people I believed with all my heart were my true friends, it was actually a good thing in the end. Because now, the people I have in my life ARE true friends, people I know I can call anytime and they will be there for me. Some of them can't be physically here to go out with because they live too far away, but they are just a phone call or e-mail away, and that matters too.

I was diagnosed in the fall of 2006, and I've sure learned a lot since then. I was always there for my friends, never said no when they needed me. Since lupus and Sjogrens, I had to learn to say no and to put myself first. If I am not up to doing something, I don't do it. The way I look at it, when I take care of myself first, I am able to be there for others more often and more deeply. If I'm struggling, I help no one.

But hey, it sounds like we're in the same area - maybe we can meet up sometime soon!

Angel Oliver
07-11-2009, 11:43 AM
Oh how lovely....see making new friends on here all the time and maybe to meet up too...fab! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

07-11-2009, 12:54 PM
Brandi, that would be awesome especially since Ive been trying to find a support group that fits my scheduls and Im unsuccessful, bcuz all of them apppear to be in the middle of the day while im at work, lol. So yeah, if you ever wanna hook up or something I'd like that.

Rob, u right its not quantity it is quality. And Im lacking both, isnt that just awful.

Im glad I can come and talk to u guys and ur straight up with me, because for a second I was feeling like maybe I was over- reacting, bcuz Im so emotional and maybe I was being over sensitive?? if you will?? I dont know, but I asked a few co- workers and they agreed with u guys.


07-11-2009, 12:58 PM
you are not being oversensative in my opinion. they are being very unsensative. Rob's right. quality counts much more.

07-11-2009, 01:21 PM
Chriss, you weren't being oversensitive AT ALL!!! Unfortunately, it sounds like they were being very self-absorbed, selfish, and had no clue what you are going through. And what I learned too is that it's not their fault really; people generally do the best they can with what they understand at the time. They just aren't at a place right now that they can support you because of whatever is going on in their own lives. Maybe one day they'll 'get it', but until then, surround yourself with people who truly love you and care about you...people who understand.

As far as a support group, I've gone to a few from the Michigan Indiana Lupus Alliance and really enjoyed them. They rotate the locations, so each location has a meeting every three months, spread all over Michigan and Indiana. I'm going to the meeting on Wednesday, July 29th in St. Clair Shores. It's after work time, from 6:30 - 8:00 p.m. The facilitator, Chuck, is really great and I liked the people I met there although it is a pretty small group. Want to meet there? There will probably be a meeting in Farmington next month as well, and Southfield met last month, but I didn't go to that one. Southfield may work well for you too - they meet on Saturday afternoons and the facilitator is a friend of mine from church - GREAT person!

I'd love to get together, maybe at the end of July or beginning of August? I have a friend from Canada visiting me on Wednesday for a week, so I'm tied up with those plans until she leaves, and I'll likely need a few days to rest after that.

Hang in there - it may take time, but you'll sort through your friends and find a circle of friends that will lift you up when you need it. And in the meantime, we're here for you. :)

07-11-2009, 03:19 PM
:hissyfit:I'm sorry you had to go through that. That is very hard especially when you need to go out to get rid of the tension. Your friends seem really self-involved and they may not even realize they are taking you for granted or advantage of you. Next time they call let it go to voice mail and call back at a later time explaining you were too busy to take the call..hopefully that will snap some reality back into them and force some sensitivity back. Try not to abandon all hope they are your friends for a reason. And you always have us although we may seem far away you will never know when we will be in your neck of the woods. My work has been rotating several people to Detroit for 2-3 weeks at a time. So maybe I'll be in your neck of the woods one day and I will gladly have a beer with you.:beerchug::beerchug:

07-11-2009, 04:05 PM
Cheryl, that sounds great I inbox you my info, I live near Grosse Pointe so the St. Clair Shores meeting would be very close for me. So maybe I can try and make that Wednesday meeting. Is the guy Chuck Pottenger? Anyway we will definitely talk, so thanx for everything and talk to u soon

07-11-2009, 04:07 PM

I'd definitely like to take u up on that offer. What kind of beer do u like? I usually dont drink beer but if I do I llike Blue Moon or Oberon with an orange slice.

07-12-2009, 08:39 AM
I'm a Sam Adam's or Guinness gal but I also love Blue Moon :cute:. If not beer I drink wine or mixed drinks too!! If work sends me up you'll be the first I PM

07-12-2009, 09:26 AM
So sorry your friends let you down girl! They don't sound supportive or reliable @ all. I'm not suggesting dismissing them totally as friends but I'm sure you've learned you can't count on them to cheer you up when you're down. Hope you feel better!

07-12-2009, 09:50 AM
Oh Chriss,

I am so sorry, friends can be all about themselves sometimes. Thats why I gave most of them up. I 've tried the thing with relatives but I don't have any sisters and my brother is mental challanged. So that don't work for me.

My husband and my son are being my best friends right now and thats all I need.

Glad you got to spend time with your sister. Maybe one day your friends will realize they are missing out, not you.

07-12-2009, 11:34 AM
hi chriss,

want to add to the list of hugs being sent your way. So sorry about what happened with your "friends". you have been thrust into a place where you have to make decisions based on what is best for you. If these "friends" are causing you stress, then, you are right, it must stop....I have had to put some "friends" into a non-affecting place, and nothing they say can hurt me any more. I have narrowed down my list of friends to a precious few....However, i know without question that if i need help, they will be here....that is what is important.

best of luck....you are making some very wise choices.

07-12-2009, 12:18 PM
I too feel like this a lot. I get stood up by a lot of "friends". I know what you mean when you just need somebody to be there. I know this is a great site and that everyone here is so supportive and awesome, but some days you really just need someone to go to the movies with you or have a cup of coffee or something. It's so frustrating. Urg.

07-12-2009, 11:40 PM
Chriss, I am so sad. I hate that someone as wonderful as you was treated so poorly. I have two really close friends. The only problem is my best,best friend moved home to Tulsa with her husband and kids. She used to go with me when I had to get infusions. On methotrexate nights she would come over and lay in bed with me and watch Sex in the City over and over. At that moment I felt what a true friend was like and felt the love from someone who was there unconditionally. From then on I only allow people who are like this in my life. Friends have come and gone but I do feel blessed to have the two I have. Remember that our friends are the family we actually get to choose. You have a family here with us and I wish we could all physically be together when times are tough. I am with you in my heart and I am sending you gentle hugs and thoughts of true friendship :hug:

07-13-2009, 08:33 PM
Hi Chriss,

Yep, that's Chuck Pottenger who runs the group. Have you met him before? I'm really looking forward to seeing you there!! I'll send you my phone number so we can talk before we meet at the group. I wish all of us here lived close to each other. Wouldn't it be cool if we could all just meet for dinner, or go to the movies together anytime we felt like getting out for a while?! :yes: