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crmj1183
07-01-2009, 04:28 AM
How come family and friends say they understand what you're going through and then turn around and say mean or hurtful things???? My ex- boyfriend and I are living together and Im not sure if this is a good idea, because he's my EX ; he's been there when Ive been really bad off and has taken care of me, but sometimes he gets frustrated with the situation and he goes off. I dont think he realizes that if he is frustrated than what am I???????? He is so damn selfish, uggghh. I dont know if he realizes what this does to me or how it makes me feel. We are staying together to save money then go our separate ways. Im thinking about jumping ship because Im not going to be placed in a stressful situation and right now that is exactly whats happening. We are both stressed for some of the same reasons and some for different reasons. My home is SUPPOSED to be my sacred and quiet place but lately its been everything but. I live in Detroit the economy is dead and crime is high, I feel like I live in Gotham City, but there's no Batman (save me!!!!). Fortunately, I do have a good job w/ benefits so thats good but Im also full-time student at U of M- Dearborn. My doctor told me yesterday maybe he could write to the Dean to see about me taking a leave of absence!!!!!!! My lupus is active right now and Im going through a flare:shocked: Noooooooooooo!!!!!!!!, I need to finish school and I dont wanna "drop out" for a while. Thats just simply not an option. I dont know what to do, Im lost. Any suggestions or advice? Im open

Oluwa
07-01-2009, 06:16 AM
Morning CRMJ1183..

Your ex is your ex...just a roomate so don't engage with him. Why is it important that he understands what you are going through you should ask yourself...?

I think there is a residue of emotional attachment still there by reading your post but I am no Ann Landers.

Suggestion...set boundaries, set rules..such as what things emotionally and physically you will share about each other. Rules such as no disrespect allowed. If you must stay and things of that nature doesn't work...don't engage with him..go about your life as if he was just a associate, a roomie. Ignore.

People say hurt and mean things to 'people'..sick or not. Being sick doesn't stop that. And usually when people do say mean hurtful things to another it is due to lack of respect and lack of communication not because they forget you are sick...being sick doesn't give us a pass from disrespecting people.

I think once you put things into perspective about your living arrangement, your stress level will decrease and so might your symptoms.

Opt for taking the doctors note to your Dean...and resume the course in the Fall. And use that time to heal your heart, you spirit..and decrease your stress level...

And don't expect alot of emotional support from your EX..look for it elsewhere...like you are doing now..find it here.

I find it helps to write our feeling out here, see it and get feed back. That in itself can help me decompressed and see things in a different light...

Be well...be selfish, take care of you. Hugs.
Love,
Oluwa

crmj1183
07-01-2009, 07:12 AM
, Oluwa u r sooooooo right I'm a new person today moving forward. I'm not going to tolerate his bs. The thing is I set boundaries but I stick to them and now I'm going to make it a point to do so. Thx for the advice :)

gina
07-01-2009, 09:11 AM
Wow, oluwa again has the best advice and the way she put her words i couldn't have done it.

your ex is your ex for a reason just like my ex husband is ex for a reason i say that too my self all the time. we lived together for a year so i could get some money save to move out and i know how hard it is not to fall into the same life patterns just keep busy and away from him as much as possible.

good luck

Oluwa
07-01-2009, 09:15 AM
Hi CRJ..and you shouldn't..tolerate. Only you are responsible for yourself, your actions. And you can do it...just finds ways for solitude, walk away, get lost in your things, your life. Sometimes we have to be the bigger one. I know, why does it always have to be the girl...

He probably does those things to push your buttons, so he can try to be in control of you and your emotions. Detach, be respectful and cohabitat to save monies..

Enjoy this day...I am despite my symptoms..I could just crawl in bed, but too much rest magnifies my pain and stiffness. Yawn, yawn.
Love and hugs.
Oluwa

mountaindreamer
07-01-2009, 09:40 AM
hi crj,

i am so sorry that you are dealing with all of this stress, and while you are in a bad flare. Oluwa is 100% right, put things into perspective. He is your ex, and he is living there to help manage expenses.....walk away, disengage him in your situation, and don't tolerate his mean words.

I have a question....you say you have a job etc., is he contributing to the household expenses? You know, this needs to be a two way street....if you are not gaining any benefit from this arrangement, then maybe the time has come for you to change it. You don't need to answer this question publicly on the forum,,,,just think about it yourself.

You know that stress is the absolute worse thing for lupus, and now you have to put yourself as number one.

Putting your education on hold for a couple of months might help reduce some of the pressure you are experiencing. You are to be commended for your persistence and dedication, but a little break might be a good idea.

Please take care, I am so glad you found us, and we will help you get past obstacles.

DrinkofWtr
07-01-2009, 10:15 AM
It doesn't help when friends, family or others in our lives cause us additional stress, especially when we already have enough stress in our lives to begin with. It's easy for me to say to you get away from the ex who is giving you additional stress, but this is a decision you have to make for yourself. I can understand why you don't want to take a hiatus from your schooling. The dean where I went to school said less than forty percent ever return and complete their degrees, and this was many years ago. I would think the percentage would be even less now with the economy the way it is. I left my schooling for a semester in college, but I was one of the fortunate ones in that I returned and finished my degree. My hope, for you, is that you will find peace in whatever you decide to do about these situations in your life.

crmj1183
07-01-2009, 05:03 PM
I am overjoyed with the support you ladies provide. Thank you all for your feedback. And u guys r all right. I do need to separate myself or those feelings. Oh and Moutaindreamer he definitely paying bills, lol. He pays the bulk to really help me out while Im in school, but Im learning that my sanity and peace my be worth more than me saving a few extra bucks a month. Another 6 mos and Im outta here. You ladie give me so much strength and now I look forward to hearing from u guys everyday. Im so addicted to this website!!!!!! U guys ROCK!!!!!!!!!!! BIG HUGS AND SMILES

Oluwa
07-01-2009, 06:57 PM
Keep your eye on the prize, keep focused..on you and you and you and before you know it your six month plan will be here...hugs.

Love,
Oluwa

Lala
07-01-2009, 07:48 PM
I can not add to anything these wise friends have said..I get about not wanting to take a break. I tend to push it till I can't. Take care of you first. big hugs

mountaindreamer
07-01-2009, 08:54 PM
hi crmj,

i was not trying to make you reveal private information on the forum...i really just wanted you to think about the pros and cons. I hope i did not cause you any embarrassment. Sometimes I need to pause before hitting the "submit reply" button.

I am glad that the arrangement is designed to help you. Oluwa is right, you have a goal, focus on you and your health, and make things right for you.

you are obviously a very strong young woman, and success is the only option....I am so glad you joined the forum, you have a lot to offer.

Danica01
07-01-2009, 10:20 PM
As I read you post and the responses from all of our friends I was, again, amazed at the love and unconditional support everyone here provides. They gave you great advice and wonderful, encouraging words to hold in your heart.

I was previously married to a man who went through the beginning of my illness with me. He always made me feel bad about being sick and that should have been a red flag for me to just move on but no, I had to learn the hard way and get married. It lasted just a year and he told me I was the biggest mistake he has ever made and that he could not handle someone who is sick in his life. I was stuck in our house with him and my stress was so high that I ended up in the hospital. I eventually moved out of my beautiful home, saw a therapist and found my own two feet again. Once I left my health completely turned around and I was able to heal my heart and soul. Now I have an amazing man in my life who accepts my illness and fights it with all of his might right along side of me. Once you move on and heal yourself so many wonderful things can happen. Hang in there and when you are ready move out and move on.

I was going to ASU and got really sick I had to drop out. I was not satisfied with that decision and really wanted to finish the degree I had worked so hard on. I did a lot of research and found a school that I could obtain my degree in online. I am able to take classes in the comfort of my own home and my own bed when I am sick. I am actually more challenged by my online professors than I ever was while attending ASU. It was the best decision I have ever made and will graduate April 2010 with my degree in accounting. Do not give up. Where there is a will there is a way and you just have to find the road that is easiest for you to travel down. Here is the website for my school

http://www.brenau.edu/

Hang in there and remember someone from here is always thinking about you! Hold your head high and show the world that you are an amazing person and you are defined by who YOU are not by what disease you have :grouphug:

mountaindreamer
07-02-2009, 10:51 AM
what a great idea Danica....online school.

My daughter who fought breast cancer was granted a two year disability package after her lymphodema began. While on disability, she is getting her master's degree from an on-line program, and it is working just great. With two young chidren, and the many drs. appts. and tests that she continues to have, she just did not have time to go to class. She is very pleased with the education that she is receiving, and with this degree, she will be in administration and will no longer be teaching in the classroom. She is a special education teacher, and the lymphodema inhibits her ability to physically manage the children. Now, she will be able to continue with her passion, but she will be working with the teachers who help the children.

abbasgirl
07-02-2009, 03:56 PM
Wow... I am amazed again at the wise people at this forum.

As you can see...the key words here are what is good for you. What works for you. And it's all optional. I like optional...that helps to make my blood pressure drop and not worry so much. This is all an optional situation. Even with school. Danica had an awesome idea about online school...I did it and I liked it. It was more challenging, but helped me to work around my illness...so I stressed less about that too. The less the stress the better all around. (((hugs)))

abbasgirl
07-02-2009, 03:59 PM
what a great idea Danica....online school.

My daughter who fought breast cancer was granted a two year disability package after her lymphodema began. While on disability, she is getting her master's degree from an on-line program, and it is working just great. With two young chidren, and the many drs. appts. and tests that she continues to have, she just did not have time to go to class. She is very pleased with the education that she is receiving, and with this degree, she will be in administration and will no longer be teaching in the classroom. She is a special education teacher, and the lymphodema inhibits her ability to physically manage the children. Now, she will be able to continue with her passion, but she will be working with the teachers who help the children.

Oh Phyllis, that is so awesome! I'm so happy for Amber!

That gal is Super Woman! Just like her Mama!

crmj1183
07-02-2009, 06:48 PM
I have considered maybe taking some online courses, Its still an option, but Ive had to fight so hard to get where I am and Im not going to let anyone pr anything get in the way (lupus). I have a lot to think about and I guess Im just praying that things look up sooner and that god will make a way. And as far as a relationship I wonder if I'll ever find anyone :wideeyed: Ive had lupus since I was 17 and Ive been dumped, mishandled, and mistreated by so many men. The love dept is definitely discouraging for me and furthest from my mind.