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Monique89
06-16-2009, 02:56 AM
So i have an appointment with my rheumy this week, and my hematologist next week...
I told my mum tonight that she doesnt have to come with me, that i want to go by myself.
She cracked it at me and told me i was being selfish and she has to be there so she knows whats going on...which i get she wants to know, but would she like having me at every single appointment with her?
You know there are some times where you just want to talk to the doctors WITHOUT your mum sitting next to you?? Not everything needs to be shared...I just dont get why she is so angry at me. Plus she still says she is coming with me...ughh.
Sometimes i just need to do this by myself.
I seriously feel like booking another appt. and not telling her...then i guess i will have to pay for 2 appointments, and they arent cheap!! Plus i dont want to lie to her...
Its not that i dont love her, and i really am happy that i have such good support, but she is acting like im 12 and cant understand what the doctors say....when in fact i usually spend the next 2 hours explaining what she just heard anyway...
Sorry this was kind of pointless, but i just had to get it out there!!!

iseedeadmonkeys
06-16-2009, 04:14 AM
Hey no problem...get the rant out the way, it really helps to talk about it :yes:

I kno what you are talking about, i once had the same thing, in the begining i would want my mum to come with me, but sit outside not inside with me, i felt a bit uncomfortable with her in the appointment with me, seeing as it was about "me" not her, so i had to sit down with her and explain id rather she sat outside whilst i go in by myself, she understood, maybe you could do the same with your mum? or mention that you wouldnt go in with her on her appointments (shoe on the other foot) usually works,

Sometimes when im having my space bubble days (brain fogs) i ask her to come in with me, as i kno i wont remember anything of the convo, either that or i tell her everything at 100 mph when i get out of the appointment then she knows lol and i can ask her if i forget.

Im guessing she just wants to be there for you as much as she can, but doesnt know when to back off a little,

Hope you get to speak to her, let us know how you get on

P&L
ISDM
xxx

Oluwa
06-16-2009, 05:54 AM
I understand how you feel Monique, sometimes we just want things to be ours.

I think it was wrong of your Mum to say you were selfish. I don't think she is trying to take control...just protective. Sometimes Mum's don't know when they need let go...

But you know, sometimes two heads are better than one...and me, I wish I had someone to go to every appointment with me and I am 48. Like ISDM, brain fog..I'd forget. And too it is just nice to have someone there when you feel intimidated and to wait the time with you until you are seen.

Enjoy this day, I am.
Love and hugs.
Oluwa

Angel Oliver
06-16-2009, 07:46 AM
Yes i understand what you are saying too and glad you told us ...just so you feel better n dont explode inside.I also think she is being protective of you,which is good most of the time,but yes sometimes you need to see the doctor alone too.Im sure once you go she'll understand eventually and things will be ok.

lots of love
Amanda.xxx

Saysusie
06-16-2009, 10:36 AM
Speaking as a Mother who accompanied her daughter to her medical appointments, it is not really of matter of being controlling. It is more a need to know exactly what your child is faced with so that you will know how to help her. Often, as a Mother, you may have no idea of all of the things that you child has suffered with and you want to know so that you can know what you must do for her.
Also, when I would ask my daughter questions about her appointment and her new meds, she would often say that she could not remember everything that her doctor said because he said so much, and she wasn't really sure what the new medication was for or what it was supposed to do...." These answers did not help me at all and only made me more concerned about her health.
Now, Lauri would, on occassion, say to me that she wanted to discuss something personal with her doctor before I came in. Once that discussion was over, she would come and get me so that I could know about her progress, her meds, the next step, what I could do, what signs I should look for if she is in distress, etc. I had no desire to participate in her personal conversations with her doctors, but I did want to always be on top of her health needs.
Your mother's feelings were probably hurt when you told her that you did not want her to come with you. In her hurt, she made an inappropriate statement by calling you selfish. We often say things that we don't mean when we are hurt. Perhaps you can tell her that, prior to her coming in with you, you need a few moments with your doctor alone. If she is unable to respect that request, then you may have to sit down and have a conversation with your mother about your need for privacy. Make sure that you tell her that you want her to know about your health needs and you appreciate her willingness to be supportive and understanding. But, you do have private issues that you need to discuss with your doctor. Most doctors will also understand this and will indulge your request.
I hope that I've been able to put another perspective on your issue and I truly hope that you and your mother can work this out in an agreeable manner.

Peace and Blessings
Namaste
Saysusie

mountaindreamer
06-16-2009, 08:14 PM
hi monique,

i, like saysusie, walked with my daughter as she was faced with serious medical issues. I went to drs' appointment with her as well. I went for two reasons, first to learn eveything that i could so that i could help her, and second so that i was there if she got bad news. I did not go to one appointment, and she called me hysterical about some news that the dr. had told her....i never missed another visit.

Also, there were times where personal things needed to be discussed, so i waited outside in the waiting room, and was included after she and her dr. had their private conversation....everyone needs privacy, and needs to talk personally with their dr.

your mom might be so frightened for you that she is being over protective, but that is understandable....Lupus is a very scary disease.

Maybe if you try again to have a talk with your mom, you both will have a better understanding of each other and your wishes. Sorry your mom called your selfish, fear and frustration often makes us use words that we later regret.

good luck, let us know how your appointments go with the dr.

dsunshine
06-16-2009, 08:23 PM
Monique...I get what you are saying and I understand. Your mom loves you and is trying to be there to see you through this. YOU ARE HER BABY no matter how old you are. I am 35 and when I was really sick barely able to walk or drive my mom went with me to my doctor appts. AND came in the room with me when my doctor talked to me and while I got IV infusions. I was so grateful and it made me feel like a child but at the same time I was in so much pain that I could barely focus or comprehend what my doctor was saying. Having my mom there with me made me feel loved and like I wasn't in it alone. My sister also came with me and again...they were my ears when my hearing was shut down from the pain that riddled through my body. I now go to the doctor by myself for check ups but having my mom and sister with me made me feel like I didn't have to go it alone...does that make sense. Sometimes our parents need to be there as much as we need them not to be and vice versa. Again, being a parent/mom is a full time life time job and it never stops at any certain age...You will always be your mom's baby and I am sure seeing you go through this she can only feel helpless as she can't kiss it and make it better or make up a home remedy to cure you...Hang in there and when you get upset or frustrated just remember one day you will be a mom and you will have these same feelings of wanting to protect your baby!!!

abbasgirl
06-16-2009, 11:08 PM
I'm with those that suggest a talk. When she simmers down can you explain to her that sometimes you'd like to be alone every now and then? Tell her you appreciate that she cares about you and is supportive, but now and then you'd just like to go alone and fill her in later. I can understand needing your space sometimes.

You're being very kind to let her go with you like you have.

As a Mom myself, I appreciate that my kids include me in important things like doc visits, but if asked, I respect boundaries. Or at least I hope I do a good job of that. Lol.

(((hugs)))) Glad you vented. It helps to get it out.

ButterflyRN
06-17-2009, 04:06 PM
Monique, I completely understand how you feel. I grew up as a child fighting this disease with my mom next to me every step of the way. When it came to be getting married and she was here for a visit while I was in a flare she couldn't understand why I didn't want her in the room with me and my husband during my appointment. We partially wanted to talk about the future prospect of getting pregnant and I really didn't want my mom involved in that. It was very hard for her and she cried but she eventually understood and was able to move on. I keep her involved and update her with my appointments. My mom has been a huge part of my life and this disease process.

It does help to have an extra pair of ears at your appointments because we sometimes don't hear everything the doctor is saying to us. But it has to be your decision in the end to go to the doctors by yourself if you would like.

Good luck with your decision!