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KATROACH1972
06-12-2009, 12:27 PM
Anyone ever just get tired of always having somethin wacked out? I have been depressed b4, but I just started feeling selfish lately! My hubby has a uti, that he caught from me, and i have been mean to him, about it! I think its because he never ever checks on me, when I feel bad, because I am always sick he says! I layed awake hours, and thought about how selfish I have been, so concerned about being in sun, trying to avoid stress,and being around sick people ect... I was a nurse, and now I feel like a traitor, because of the focus i have put on my self and this illness. Does anyone understand what I mean?:skeptical: I am mad at my self!!! I appoligize to every1 that I am selfish! Do you think its my Prednisone nonstop last 3 years, or depression, or what? Confused!!!!!!:huh: Thanks hugs Kathy

dsunshine
06-12-2009, 03:17 PM
YES...tired of being sick, depressed, isolated, un-social, single, childless, broke, angry, bitter...TIRED!! I understand what you said and how you feel 100%.Glad someone else wrote about it so thank you. Most days I am positive and looking forward to whatever the day/life brings as long as it is not another flare up/illness which involves pain of any sort, doctor visit, or another trip to the pharmacy! I don't think you are selfish just dealing with a lot as your life has changed 360 degress as everyone on this site's life has changed. I don't think you ever get use to it...what use to be compared to what is..does that make sense???

KATROACH1972
06-12-2009, 03:22 PM
Thanks Sweetie! You helped me. I see someone voted that they dont get depressed. Thats amazing to me, wish I could say that. I have more bad then good days, matter a fact everyday has just a hour or two that I feel just half way descent. I want to give you a big HUG!! KaTHy

debbie-b
06-12-2009, 03:34 PM
Hi Kathy,

I understand what you mean, but with me it is not depression, it is more a combination of frustration, pain that is hard to handle, having a short fuse because of the pain, plus alot of times I will lie to my husband and tell him that I feel fine. The only reason I will lie to him is that he is always concerned about me, he wants to do everything for me and worries when I don't feel good ( which is most of the time). And bless his heart, he is concerned, he is loving, helpful and compassionate, but he still doesn't know what I am going through. How could he?
I did cry last night, because I still have this pain in my fingers, mostly at night, the pain is so great, that I wake up from it. But I cried because of the pain, I am not depressed. I have a good outlook on live and tell my self all the time, that it could be worse.
You know it is ok to get mad, people deal differently with this illness.
Well anyway, I forgot what the extend of your question was, but hopefully I have answered some of what you wanted to know.( damn brainfog).

Debbie

KATROACH1972
06-12-2009, 04:03 PM
Thanks Debbie. i wish my hubby was even a little compassionate. He had a mother who died of Alcoholism, and she never complained about being sick, never missed a day of work, never missed a day of her church, always kept house clean ect... So he expects me to be like that. I am not that strong sorry! I have been soo sick some nights I thought I was dying! and he would just turn over and sleep away even when i break down and cry he ignores me. I am so glad your hubby shows concern, but I understand how you feel about it. Hugs to you my new friend! Kathy

dsunshine
06-12-2009, 05:09 PM
Thanks Debbie. i wish my hubby was even a little compassionate. He had a mother who died of Alcoholism, and she never complained about being sick, never missed a day of work, never missed a day of her church, always kept house clean ect... So he expects me to be like that. I am not that strong sorry! I have been soo sick some nights I thought I was dying! and he would just turn over and sleep away even when i break down and cry he ignores me. I am so glad your hubby shows concern, but I understand how you feel about it. Hugs to you my new friend! Kathy


Thanks Sweetie! You helped me. I see someone voted that they dont get depressed. Thats amazing to me, wish I could say that. I have more bad then good days, matter a fact everyday has just a hour or two that I feel just half way descent. I want to give you a big HUG!! KaTHy

HUGS RIGHT BACK ATCHA!!! I really understand and you are totally 100% right to feel the way you do. Those are your feelings and they are not debateable!! Don't feel bad...I am here to listen

KATROACH1972
06-12-2009, 05:22 PM
HUGS RIGHT BACK ATCHA!!! I really understand and you are totally 100% right to feel the way you do. Those are your feelings and they are not debateable!! Don't feel bad...I am here to listen
Thank you my dear, believe it or not your words have blessed me, and i feel better! Hugs kathy:yes:

dsunshine
06-12-2009, 05:34 PM
Thanks Debbie. i wish my hubby was even a little compassionate. He had a mother who died of Alcoholism, and she never complained about being sick, never missed a day of work, never missed a day of her church, always kept house clean ect... So he expects me to be like that. I am not that strong sorry! I have been soo sick some nights I thought I was dying! and he would just turn over and sleep away even when i break down and cry he ignores me. I am so glad your hubby shows concern, but I understand how you feel about it. Hugs to you my new friend! Kathy
I have to weigh in on this one...FIRST you are not his mother...your his wife. I understand how you feel as my granny is the same way. She expects me/family to be the working mule she is and has been all her life. My granny is 85 years old, she washes her own car, paints her own house inside/out, cuts her own lawn, goes to church EVERY Sunday, cooks breakfast, lunch and dinner and never missed a day of work! She expects us to be the same but I am not from that generation and obviously neither are you. Yeah, we probably could do all these things but to be honest...I just don't want to and now with Lupus even if my mind says I can do it...my body says YEAH RIGHT! So don't feel bad and don't apologize. You never asked for Lupus and neither did I. I don't recall EVER standing in line for the LUPUS ride and now that I am on this ride I try everyday to get off of it...I pray to get off...and get on the REMISSION FOREVER ride!!! Your husband is there physically but emotionally he isn't which is just as bad as not being there at all. My boyfriend left when I was diagnosed and I thought he really was going to be there for me but better he left then...then after we got married. Please be strong and pray on it. I am here if you need to vent or need someone to be angry with you!!!
Love and hugs!!!
Just remember your feelings are not debateable!!!

debbie-b
06-12-2009, 05:39 PM
Kathy,

Big hugs for you. I feel bad, I didn't mean to rub in, that I have a great husband, I just think that he is the reason, that I am not depressed. And I really wish that everybody here would have an understanding partner, because that is what we all need. I also have a " friend" who asks " how are you", but when I tell her how I feel, she says " boy you have so many problems", ye think? HELLOOOOOOOOOO, I HAVE LUPUS. I have explained to her what lupus is and what it does, but she chooses to not understand.
Whenever you need to talk, we are all here for you.

Your new friend

Debbie

KATROACH1972
06-12-2009, 06:38 PM
THanks Debbie, I dont have have friend that lives around me, just online. The one friend I have here only calls if she needs to use me, and does not ask how I am.. You were fine to talk about your hubby, thats awesome! I am happy for you, and I do agree with you about having someone supportive would make a difference in all our lifes. I am glad I do have all of you girls, and guys here, that really understand.Have a great night my new friend! HUgs 2 U!! Kathy

KATROACH1972
06-12-2009, 06:41 PM
I have to weigh in on this one...FIRST you are not his mother...your his wife. I understand how you feel as my granny is the same way. She expects me/family to be the working mule she is and has been all her life. My granny is 85 years old, she washes her own car, paints her own house inside/out, cuts her own lawn, goes to church EVERY Sunday, cooks breakfast, lunch and dinner and never missed a day of work! She expects us to be the same but I am not from that generation and obviously neither are you. Yeah, we probably could do all these things but to be honest...I just don't want to and now with Lupus even if my mind says I can do it...my body says YEAH RIGHT! So don't feel bad and don't apologize. You never asked for Lupus and neither did I. I don't recall EVER standing in line for the LUPUS ride and now that I am on this ride I try everyday to get off of it...I pray to get off...and get on the REMISSION FOREVER ride!!! Your husband is there physically but emotionally he isn't which is just as bad as not being there at all. My boyfriend left when I was diagnosed and I thought he really was going to be there for me but better he left then...then after we got married. Please be strong and pray on it. I am here if you need to vent or need someone to be angry with you!!!
Love and hugs!!!
Just remember your feelings are not debateable!!! I totally agree, and I cant help having Lupus, Alcohol abuse is a choice, atleast in the beginnng! Bless you sweetie! I hope you have a great night! :yes:

sick n tired
06-12-2009, 10:50 PM
awww Kathy...I am sorry you have been feeling so down...I am so there with you...my hubby tries to be there for me, but he isn't...it is only when something potentially dangerous is happening when he starts to think about not wanting me to die that he starts to act sweet and take care of me...I agree...you didn't ask for this illness and like DSUNSHINE, I didn't wait to get on this ride, either... try not to apologize for feeling bad....

....Hey someone point me to the lifetime remission ride, will you....

KATROACH1972
06-13-2009, 07:32 AM
Amen! to that! haha Thanks sweetie! I started prozac this morning maybe it will help some how. Hugs kathy

AmyK
07-08-2009, 08:10 PM
Kat- I am 100% with you because I feel selfish at times too! I moved to my area for school and now work but don't have many people I can count on close by and it freaking sucks and I start to pity myself then I get mad at myself for being selfish and it cycles. Thank god for my cat! haha

I'm a therapist myself so I always see the benefit of seeing a therapist and mine has helped me greatly just become more assertive for my needs and look at to see if my needs are realistic. its all normal what you're feeling!

Dsunshine- i always love your posts! I read them and you always seem to be on the same page as me haha You rock and cheer me up so much! Thanks!

KATROACH1972
07-09-2009, 12:18 PM
Thanks! i have been on prozac, with zero change, except now the cellcept i take makes me have anxiety! So now I have have to take antianxiety medicine too! When does this cycle of pills pills pills ever end! Sucks Hugs kathy

MicRoMediC
07-09-2009, 04:05 PM
ok so is it bad when your rheumatologist walks into the room and says "i'm concened about your psychological health, i think you're depressed."?!?!?! that's bad.

KATROACH1972
07-09-2009, 04:27 PM
Been there done that! ugh!lol