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scarlet13
06-04-2009, 11:07 PM
Hello. I was just wondering if anyone can give me some experience (and maybe some hope) on this topic. I am 31 and do not have any kids but eventually I do want them (or at least one and the clock is ticking). I get terrified that I won't be able to carry or take care of one though. The other day I was with my best friend and her one year old reached out and jumped into my arms and I very nearly dropped her. Had to give her back right away or I would have. It makes me wonder, if I can't even lift a child on my bad days how am I ever supposed to take care of one on a regular basis (or deal with the stress on my body of carrying a baby). But I see that many of you do have children and I was hoping that some of you ladies could tell me about your experiences. Or if anyone has similar fears I wouldn't mind feeling that I am not alone here. I can't talk to me best friend about it because she is pregnant again and having morning sickness etc and I am afraid that if I discuss that with her I'll want to start screaming at her that at least she knows that she can experience that miracle and how I would trade my many various physical ailments for a few months of morning sickness anyday. But I don't want to do that cause she is really such a wonderful friend and I hate that I am so jealous of her (and all my other friends who are so busy having their healthy babies and uncomplicated pregnancies). Having these feelings of jealousy makes me feel so petty but I can't seem to help feeling this way. Thanks for listening,
Gayle

Rastagirl
06-05-2009, 12:24 AM
Hello Gayle....

I'm Lori and I'm a Mom of 2 children, both in their teens now. I read your post and my heart goes out to you. It is so difficult to be where you are, struggling with Lupus and wanting so much to be able to start a family..have children of your own. I was right where you are....a few years ago and would have loved to hear the stories of other women with Lupus experiencing the same struggle. It's so very difficult to agonize over the emotions of sharing in the joy of your friends that are pregnant or already have children, and feeling the jealousy too. Just wanted to let you know you're completely normal in this...I went through the same things. Don't be hard on yourself, go ahead and feel those things....but I can tell you are a caring person and don't want to take from the joy of your friend. Sending you gentle hugs....I'm sorry you're hurting.

I searched through the archives here and found a post I did awhile back about my pregnancy experience. I've had Lupus for 27 years now....diagnosed right out of high school at 18. I wanted to share this with you to give you some hope...because that is what I desperately ached for so long ago.

Here's the link to follow http://forum.wehavelupus.com/showthread.php?t=5609&highlight=eclampsia

You can search through that thread and find my post.

It's getting late for me, I've got to head off to bed, but I wanted you to have something to read. And I'll be back tomorrow and share a bit more with you about how I learned how to become a Mother, and live with Lupus at the same time.

Just wanted to let you know I care.....

Fondly,

:heart: Lori

tiggerlishus - Heidi
06-05-2009, 03:46 AM
HAY Gayle
i have to say you are not the only one i think about all the time i'm 29, 30 in september with a brother and a sister who both have children and wonder if i'll ever be able to experience myself i love my niece and nephews soo much but from the age of 16 all i ever want to be was a wife and mum but feel like i might well have wanted to be an astronaught it feels that far away!!!
and as far as not wanting to rain on any one elses pregancy i know that feeling to so many people even my brothers girlfiend is due to have a baby any day now
and all my friends have children who i love soo much even am called aunty which is lovely and i love it soo much but yearn for the day to be called a mum and not by mistake by tired child!!
and well to lori thank you for putting up this old thread i am now going to read it with great interest thank you xxxxx

scarlet13
06-05-2009, 11:59 AM
Thank you both so much for responding. It was so nice to read that old thread as well. Obviously I'm not the only one who has these concerns and while I'm sorry that other people have to feel this way I'm so glad I'm not alone. It was so nice to read your story Rastagirl. It sounds like there were some scary moments in there but you and your beautiful babies made it through ok in the end and that is really encouraging.

Heidi, I'm sorry you have the same fears and jealousies that I do. My best friend found out she was pregnant with her 2nd baby several weeks ago right at the same time that I was starting to get some answers from the rheumatologist and learning that I had a chronic autoimmune condition (they still can't decide between lupus and mixed connective tissue disorder but either one is likely to be a lifelong chronic condition that could affect my ability to have a baby). I was so jealous I couldn't see straight. It took me a few days to start to feel happy for her. I had to remind myself that she has always been there for me and it's not her fault that I'm sick and she is not. I also try and remember people who have it much harder than me. I have another friend who has a 2 yr old with a degenerative neurological condition who likely won't live to be 5 years old. I can't imagine the pain she feels on a daily basis to know that she has so little time with her baby boy. But she lives her life in such a positive way, treasuring every good day she has with him. I only hope I can learn to be so brave. I am just starting to get used to being sick and I am trying to learn to cope without degenerating into self-pity and railing about how unfair it all is but sometimes I really can't help it. Hopefully that will start to get better, especially now that I am getting treatment finally. Thanks again for your responses.
-Gayle

Numpty
06-05-2009, 02:11 PM
I can't really comment as I had both my children before showing signs and being diagnosed with Lupus but what I wanted to say is that I was watching a programme the other day and on it was a 17 year old girl taking care of her first baby... but she had no arms. She could do everything herself except hug her child. I think both mothers and babies adapt to whatever situations they find themselves in and learn to cope! There's always hope!

I too would like to have another one some day with my new partner, so would like to learn more about what pregnancy will do to my body now though.

And I pray you get to know one day what its like to be a mother ~tight hugs~

ButterflyRN
06-05-2009, 09:11 PM
Hi Gayle,
I'm thirty and I have those same feelings. No children yet and the rate things are going for me I wonder if I will ever be health enough to take on the challenge. I want children so badly but I can barely take care of myself most days. I too see all of my family and friends having health babies and moving on with life and here I am falling apart and I too feel so jealous of all of them. Please know that you are not alone. I feel so guilty sometimes because my wonderful husband could have found someone else out there that could have given him children already and then there is me who will never know if it will happen.

Know that you are not alone with your feelings! Just drop us a line when you need to chat!

dsunshine
06-05-2009, 09:33 PM
Hi Gayle!
Thank you so much for posting this! I OFTEN WONDER and LONG For children. My club age 25 BUT my REAL age is 35. I was just in a 2 year relationship with someone who promised me marriage and children as I have always wanted four and thought this year would be the year I started with my first. BUT being diagnosed in Nov. 2008 it seemed those plans were just a dream. I can't tell you how many times I have cried morning noon and night wondering and thinking about what my life is now. Not to mention that man I was with left me in Dec. 2008 at the height of my Lupus Flare up. I was/am devasted. I put myself in therapy to deal with the depression of having Lupus along with abandonment issues. Normally without Lupus dealing with heartbreak/heartache was manageable but the drugs/lupus and heartache were all too much too cope with. The stress alone would cause flare ups. Finally, once I got my head together and my heart is starting to heal I have discussed with both my mom and my doctor about having artificial insamination. YES!!! Next year I am planning to have this proceedure and give parenthood a go by myself! My Rheumy said having children is possible and when I am ready she will help me plan this out as i will have to be monitored. I was told I have mild Lupus yet flare ups never seem mild. But all of my organs are healthy and doing well. I have had some complications recently but I know I am healing and close to remission. I claim it everyday.
I must reveal and be honest...this past mother's day I was so down and depressed thinking thoughts just as yourself. I am not a jealous person and still am not. But I just wondered why aren't I a mom and when will God bless me with the children I want. I posted my feelings to friends on this site who lifted me up and encouraged me...which I needed. I have never had such a hard time on mother's day but again...Lupus and the drugs really have made me ultra sensitive and a cry baby!
I also must share that I had the same thoughts as you. My youngest niece is 1 and in Nov. Dec 2008 when I was barely walking around and looking like the michelin man...YES I WAS...I couldn't twist the cap off of water, squeeze toothpaste tub, brush/comb my hair, take the top off of deoderant or raise my arm to put it on...let alone pick up my niece, whose eyes looked at me with an expression of why...and I looked back at her with an expression of pick me up as well. We both needed help and I was the adult who was helpless! But I am better...so much better! You will be too...speak your health into existence. You are still young and IF you really want children I believe ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE WITH GOD! Walk by faith and not by sight. I believe that when doctors and people say NO and impossible....God makes a way and makes it possible. You will be a mom! You will hold and carry your child as mother's do and you like myself will be Wonderful mom's as we are both Survivors and Victors...not Victums!!!